Chapter 40. What Are You Afraid Of?
2023.10.10.
The inside of the guild was as boisterous as any other day.
Though it was a time when everyone should have been asleep, the atmosphere of the drinking session was only now reaching its peak.
As usual, Mikhail stood guarding the bar and skillfully made a cocktail, placing it before the customer in front of him.
"Ah, liquor from a man tastes bland. Aren't there any women? A pretty sister."
While Mikhail was dealing with the heavily intoxicated customer, another bartender came inside the bar.
"Mikhail. It's time for your shift change."
Though he was speaking informally, his gaze toward Mikhail was respectful. There was no one in this guild who dared to stand above Mikhail.
Mikhail stepped out from the bar and went up to the second floor.
The affable smile he had worn like a painting in front of the customers disappeared, and the look in his eyes beyond his glasses took on a cold gleam.
As if waiting for him, a subordinate approached and handed over some documents.
"This is the personal record of the investigation target. Since he is a knight of Delmarck, it took a while as I had to travel to the Delmarck territory."
"Good work."
The subordinate bowed his head and withdrew. Mikhail flipped through the documents he had received.
The documents concerned the personal details of 'Kaligo Elphind,' whom Blair had commissioned to be investigated a fortnight ago.
[Found abandoned in front of the temple immediately after birth by a priest and taken in, raised in the orphanage within the temple.
Raised in the temple until around the age of thirteen, then joined the Delmarck Order of Knights upon the recommendation of Pope Gerard Lumiel.
Afterward, went to war alongside the Duke of Delmarck and……]
Mikhail's brow gradually narrowed as he read through the documents with an impassive face.
'Why of all people, this person.'
Kaligo Elphind was entangled with someone Mikhail was not at all pleased about. Was this truly a coincidence?
After reading the documents to the end, he grew curious.
Why Blair was investigating this man.
* * *
"A banquet?"
Blair, who was strolling through the garden in the noticeably warmer weather, looked up with wide eyes at the unexpected proposal from Mason.
"Yes. Since the late former Duchess passed away, there hasn't been a single banquet held in the past ten years."
"Ah……"
"Now that Madam seems to have adapted to life in the ducal house, I thought it might be good to hold a banquet to welcome the spring."
A banquet was not simply a day for enjoyment, but a day that revealed everything about that family to outsiders.
Not only their wealth, but the atmosphere of the household, the relationship between the lord and his spouse, and even the family's influence within the empire, which could be gauged by those who attended the banquet.
It was truly an occasion that put everything about the family on display.
In particular, the first banquet held after the lady of the house had changed carried even greater significance.
It was an occasion where not only outsiders but also the vassals of the household measured and judged the new lady they would serve.
That much more, it was a burdensome occasion for Blair.
'Come to think of it, they held a banquet around this time in my past life too.'
When she was a princess, she never had to prepare banquets herself.
Blair's own disposition wasn't one to enjoy boisterous parties, and large events like birthdays or coming-of-age ceremonies were prepared by the imperial family themselves.
The princess had no need to do anything.
No matter what kind of party the princess prepared, who would dare judge and gossip about the imperial family's wealth and her?
For Blair, who had lived in such a world, preparing for her first banquet was bound to be difficult and clumsy.
'Besides, back then…… my health was quite poor as well.'
It was a banquet she had prepared with much agonizing and hardship.
At that banquet, Blair happened to overhear the vassals of the household badmouthing her. The reasons were varied.
Because the princess had thoughtlessly prepared a banquet that only poured in money, because what was served was white wine instead of red wine, because a separate banquet for the children hadn't been prepared…….
Those words mercilessly clawed at Blair's heart.
More than having her efforts criticized, her chest tightened at the thought that she had been a disgrace to Herdin and to the Delmarck name.
But now she knows.
No matter how perfect the banquet was, they would eventually find some pretext to disparage her.
It wasn't the banquet they found displeasing. It was herself, the daughter of the imperial family, the daughter of Katrina.
Therefore, she also knows now that there was no need to be hurt by those words every single time.
"The household has run on the budget Madam drafted for the past month. So I believe you will also be able to prepare the banquet without difficulty."
When Blair hesitated in her answer, Mason, thinking the passive woman was shrinking back, praised her abilities.
Reading the meaning behind his blunt but straightforward encouragement, Blair answered readily.
"Yes, it's about time we held a banquet."
On a personal level as well, there had been regrets about that banquet, so this time she wanted to do it properly by making up for those shortcomings.
"I'd like to refer to past records, so please prepare them for me."
"I'll have them ready for you to see by tomorrow."
Just as Blair was finishing her conversation with Mason, the sound of approaching footsteps could be heard. It was Melly.
"Madam, Her Majesty the Empress Dowager has sent for you."
It was unexpected news.
* * *
"Is there still no news?"
At her first private meeting with her daughter after the marriage, the very first thing Katrina asked about was news of a pregnancy.
It was nothing new for Blair. Her mother was always that kind of person.
Blair answered calmly.
"No, not yet."
"Are you sharing beds, regularly?"
"Yes."
Katrina picked up a suitably cooled teacup and broached the subject.
"Men are foolish creatures who only see the reality right before their eyes. It's only when they get a child hanging around their own necks that they learn fear and start holding themselves back."
The subject of those words was Herdin.
Having lived as her daughter for twenty years, Blair noticed that Katrina wouldn't say such things without reason.
Only then did she grow curious.
What did the two of them talk about when they were left alone at Katrina's birthday banquet?
"Has something happened?"
"I hear he's been meeting with the Countess of Loreline regularly lately?"
Blair, who had been lifting her teacup, paused.
She hadn't intended to hide the issue in the first place. It wasn't as if they were doing something they shouldn't. They were merely doing something that should have been set right sooner or later.
However, knowing full well it was a sensitive topic for Katrina, she simply hadn't gone out of her way to inform her.
"And you're even considering trying hypnosis?"
The fact that Katrina knew the Countess of Loreline hadn't attempted hypnosis yet meant she was aware of the progress of the consultations.
And to keep tabs on that progress, she must have planted someone in the ducal household.
"……Did you plant someone?"
"Because I worry about you. How would I know if the Duke neglects you?"
Katrina didn't even attempt to hide the fact that she had been spying on the ducal household. Rather, she was brazen. As always, under the name of a mother's love.
The fact that what lay in those eyes was unwavering sincerity made it even more bitter.
'You, who worry about your daughter so much—in my past life, you saw and heard how isolated I was in the ducal household, and yet you left me alone?'
The deep-seated resentment jutted out unexpectedly like chestnut burrs hidden under a blanket.
Blair suppressed her emotions with the feeling of swallowing those prickly burrs.
Katrina set down the teacup she had taken a sip from and spoke.
"Go tell him you'll stop. Tell him it's unpleasant to distrust your mother like this."
"I'm not distrusting you, Mother. I'm merely re-examining the parts that were questionable at the time."
"You're doubting my testimonies, aren't you?"
Katrina's voice gradually rose. She squeezed her eyes shut and opened them as if she was sick and tired of it.
"I'm sick of it. It's dreadful. Until when do I have to be tormented by the ghost of that crazy woman who died ten years ago?"
"Mother."
"What changes by digging into it now? Is that dead woman going to come back to life?"
"……"
"That woman is dead! She went mad to the point of being prescribed neurosis medication out of jealousy toward me, took her frustrations out on you, and died like that."
Blair silently observed Katrina, who recoiled at the mere thought of Esmeralda.
She herself had lived her entire past life under suspicion from Herdin and the vassals of Delmarck regarding Esmeralda's death.
Knowing that, she didn't want to suspect Katrina lightly.
Above all, she was afraid. Of suspecting her own mother.
On that day ten years ago, Katrina had personally gone to find Gerard and asked for help. She, who never went to meet anyone on her own two feet, at such a late hour. Only to save Blair.
Through that incident, Blair realized that even she, who always prioritized Ivan, was ultimately her mother.
She was someone who would throw Blair away without hesitation if she had to choose between Ivan and Blair, but the desire to save her daughter at that time must have been genuine.
That was why she seemed to cling even more to Katrina's love after that incident.
Still, my mother loves me.
Leaning on that hope and affection.
She genuinely believed so.
No matter how much her mother treated her like a trophy, no matter how much her mother used her daughter as fodder for her son, she still wouldn't go so far as to use her daughter's life.
But seeing Katrina, who was not only reluctant but fearful of her recovering her memories, the doubt she had long turned away from sprouted.
"Mother. If that is the truth, what are you so afraid of?"
A myriad of emotions were mixed in Katrina's eyes as they met hers. Anger, betrayal, surprise, and…… fear as well.
Having read those emotions, Blair added.
"Don't suppress me anymore, Mother."
"……"
"If you truly thought of me as your daughter."
Blair's eyes gazing at Katrina were filled with resolve. Along with a trace of sorrow.
She was still afraid of what might lie beyond the veil of truth.
However, this time, she had no intention of running away.