Chapter 151. The Courage to Be Cowardly
2024.01.29.
It was late at night when Herdin arrived at the village where Blair lived.
He had no idea how many days he had ridden through the nights. But even as his sense of time faded, the thought that he had to see Blair only grew clearer with each passing moment.
It was neither a moment of recklessness nor impulse. He couldn't let everything end like this with her.
With only that single thought driving him, he had rushed here without pause.
It was around the time he dismounted at the village entrance that he realized the tiny fragments scattering before his eyes were snow.
Herdin arrived in front of Blair's house, stepping on the first snow that no one had yet tread upon. Only upon seeing the unlit house did he realize it was too late a hour to come visiting.
He thought about coming back tomorrow since Blair would be asleep, yet he couldn't bring himself to turn away.
Blair was in that house.
Just the thought of being in the same space as her made it seem like he could finally breathe again. Like a person who hadn't known how to breathe until now.
How long had he been standing there? A familiar silhouette appeared at the second-floor window. It was Blair.
Herdin blankly stared at her, who had appeared before his eyes like a miracle. Blair, whose eyes met his, also blinked her widened eyes, seemingly quite surprised.
The two looked at each other in the silently falling snow. For a long while.
It was Blair who turned away first.
A bitter sigh slipped from Herdin's lips as he watched her retreat into her room.
He hadn't thought she would easily accept him. Just seeing her face once, seeing that she was doing well, would have been enough.
But human greed knows no bounds—the moment he saw her face, he wanted to approach her. He wanted to hold her, kiss her, and hear that whispering voice. His heart burned with longing.
'……So she won't see me after all.'
Then again, a former husband showing up unannounced at this hour did seem like a crazy person. Especially having ridden a distance that would take at least several days even without sleeping. If he were her, he probably wouldn't agree to meet either.
As he scoffed at himself and wiped his face with dry hands—
Click—
The sound of a door opening broke the silence of the snowy night, and the front door that seemed like it would never open, opened.
Blair carefully stepped on the accumulated snow as she approached him. Herdin, who had been blankly watching her, hurriedly stopped her lest she fall.
"I'll come to you."
In a few strides, he was standing before her. Herdin first assessed his wife's condition whom he hadn't seen in a month.
Blair's belly had grown a bit more, but thankfully she looked healthy. Thinking that she had protected and nurtured the child in her womb with that frail body made him proud yet pained at the same time. How absurd.
Blair, who had been staring up at Herdin as he busied himself assessing her condition, asked first.
"How long were you planning to stay like that?"
"Just for a moment…… I was going to go back. I was going to come again tomorrow."
But contrary to his answer, snow had piled high on his shoulders.
Blair let out a small sigh and asked.
"Why did you come here? At this hour."
"Because I missed you."
"……."
"So I came. At this hour."
The answer flowed out without a moment's hesitation.
Fearful of missing this time she had given him, this last chance, Herdin urgently grabbed her hand and spoke.
"……I know you were deeply hurt because of me. I also know that no reason can justify the wounds I've given you. I know that, but…… I still can't be without you."
"……."
"That's how much I still love you."
The words he had kept in his heart all the way here—no, ever since he recovered his memories of the past.
The words he couldn't bring himself to say because he lacked the courage to be cowardly.
"Give me one more chance, Blair."
At the sight of Herdin desperately grasping her hand as if he would die if she shook it off, Blair's eyes contorted with sorrow.
He loved her.
Even without hearing those words, the answer was in his eyes. His eyes, resembling a winter night, held only her reflection.
In those eyes, Blair saw her past life.
On the day of the first snow in her past life, she had faced him with emotionless eyes. But now, he was looking at her with eyes completely different from back then.
"……You're right. I still remember you from my past life."
Herdin faltered at Blair's words.
"I know that wasn't your true self, but the sadness I felt back then won't go away."
The memories of her past life were now hazy.
But even as the memories faded, the emotions from that time remained vivid—it hurt enough to bring tears just recalling that period.
The saddest and loneliest time of my life.
She now knew his emotions back then weren't genuine, she knew he had done it to protect her…… Yet whenever memories of the past suddenly surfaced, the wounds he had inflicted ached anew.
"I left your side because I was afraid of this."
"……."
"Afraid that I might suddenly resent you, afraid that I would hate myself for being bound by past wounds and unable to move forward……."
The heart doesn't follow one's will.
Because that would be cruel to both you and me.
Herdin was devastated by Blair's words, which held a quiet sorrow.
Her wounds were so deep that he could never fully understand them no matter how hard he tried. At that fact, his wrist, which he had messed up terribly a few days ago, throbbed. Even though not even a scar remained.
But he would rather that phantom pain last forever. Rather than losing her like this.
"You don't have to believe me right away. I won't even ask you to forgive me. Just…… just let me stay by your side, would that be impossible?"
"……."
"If you suddenly remember and hate me, resent me—could I just stay by your side like that?"
The cold winter wind brushed between the two of them.
Blair looked up at him, who was clinging to her almost like a plea.
His handsome face was the same, but having grown thinner in the time they were apart, his features had become sharper. His always-neat hair was also disheveled, damp from the snow.
Looking at that sight, Blair let out a small sigh. Her frozen breath scattered in the cold wind.
"……Come inside for now."
Herdin followed Blair and stepped into her space. The house where everyone was asleep was quiet.
Just the fact that she inhabited this space was enough to make this unfamiliar place lovely, when Blair, who had gone to the kitchen, asked.
"Would you like something to drink?"
"Just a glass of water will do."
"I don't want to serve only water to a guest."
Guest.
That word, which she probably said without any special meaning, reached Herdin bitterly.
"……Then whatever you usually drink."
If it was what Blair often drank, it was cocoa.
"You don't like sweet things."
"I felt like drinking it today."
After looking at him for a moment, Blair eventually began preparing cocoa as he requested.
The moment she opened the cupboard door, Herdin, who had somehow approached from behind, took out the small box of cocoa powder instead.
"I'm sorry. It must be hard on your body, making you serve a guest late at night."
Saying that, he looked around the kitchen. It seemed he intended to prepare the drink himself. Blair stopped him.
"Guests just wait."
At those words, Herdin stopped looking around and stood quietly beside her. But his gaze never left her.
She was right before his eyes.
At a distance where he could see, hear, and touch her. Talking with him, occasionally meeting his eyes. Just like right now.
Blair, who looked up to meet Herdin's gaze, drew a line against him as he had stepped right up to her.
"I haven't decided to accept you yet. It's late, so let's talk again tomorrow."
At that, Herdin smiled bitterly.
He knew.
His wife wasn't cruel enough to throw out someone who had come to find her on this cold winter night.
Even letting him into the house now was because of her nature. She would have done the same if it had been Ruth or someone else instead of him.
So her kindness wasn't forgiveness.
Nevertheless, Herdin was grateful in this moment that she had given him a place by her side.
"Alright, let's talk again tomorrow."
Blair stared at him, who was so obedient as if he would do anything she said, then added as she handed him the cocoa poured with warmed milk.
"But don't wait out in the snow."
* * *
"Herdin."
The next day, Herdin opened his eyes at the sound of Blair calling him.
"Are you okay?"
The moment he met his worried wife's eyes, he instinctively realized his condition wasn't good.
His whole body was hot and heavy. He seemed to have a fever.
Having ridden on horseback through the winter wind for days without proper sleep, it was perhaps an inevitable outcome.
He hadn't been sick since childhood, but of all times, it had to be now.
His wife's slender hand pressed against his forehead. Her hand, always cool to the touch, felt even colder today.
"You have a really high fever right now."
At that moment, through his dizzy head fogged with fever, the thought belatedly occurred to him that he needed to keep her away from him.
Pregnant women couldn't even take medicine if they caught a cold.
Pathetic bastard—once again letting his emotions take over and rushing here, only to nearly put her in danger.
"I'll go call a doctor."
As Blair, who had been examining him with worried eyes, turned to leave the room, Herdin grabbed her hand.
Herdin parted his dry, cracked lips and barely managed to voice the words.
"……I'll leave soon, so don't call anyone."
He dragged his heavy body up and put on his outer coat.
He's going out with that burning body?
Unable to believe his actions, Blair, who had been standing blankly, grabbed his arm.
"You're going out? Where? In that condition?"
"I'll go rest somewhere and come back. I'll be fine soon, so let's talk again then. I might give you my cold—"
Just as Herdin was gently trying to pull his captured hand from hers, Blair grabbed his hand again and threatened.
"You, if you leave now, know that you'll never set foot in this house again."
"Blair."
Blair forced him back down to sit on the bed and left the room.
But by the time she returned to the guest room, he was already gone.