Night was black as ink, and the dance studio’s lights were off.
Su Yufan panted heavily, her close-fitting practice clothes soaked through with sweat.
In the empty dance room, she lay sprawled on the floor.
Though the floor was icy cold, her body burned as if on fire, her heartbeat scorching and fierce.
Her anxiety had grown severe over the past two years. She could no longer face a camera—not even a mirror.
She practiced dance in the dark. She enjoyed the feeling, but deep down she knew it was fear.
Her doctor jokingly called this fear “camera phobia.” As long as she looked directly at a lens, she could not help trembling and crying.
She took a deep breath, trying to make her violent heartbeat stop for a moment.
As a veteran dancer of twenty years, though she was in fact only twenty-five, she was confident she had the ability to adjust her breathing at will.
A minute passed, yet her heartbeat was harder to calm than ever before.
She tried to adjust her state again when her phone suddenly rang.
The ringtone was a Dabenqu melody from Su Yufan’s hometown, Dali, adapted from the famous song “By Butterfly Spring.”
Her phone wallpaper showed a little novice monk in red Paleng clothing, smiling happily as he held up a wooden-carved cat.
Su Yufan crawled two steps and grabbed her black shoulder bag.
She took out her phone and glanced at the number. It was unfamiliar. She had no intention of answering, but it kept ringing without end.
She drew in another deep breath and let it out, then answered the call. “Hello? Who is this?”
“Is Su Fengxia your mother?” The person on the other end sounded very anxious, with noisy voices all around.
There was a “beep, beep, beep” sound as well; she could not tell what kind of environment the caller was in.
Su Yufan was an extremely sensitive person. Since the caller had mentioned her mother’s name, even if it was a scam call, she had to listen patiently to the end.
“Yes. What is it?” Su Yufan’s voice carried a cold politeness as she continued to pant without showing it.
“I’m a doctor at a hospital in Kunming. Your mother is having a myocardial infarction and is being resuscitated. Please come to the hospital as soon as possible to handle the admission procedures.”
The woman who claimed to be a doctor deliberately slowed her tone, trying not to frighten Su Yufan on the other end.
A myocardial infarction?
Su Yufan quickly rolled over and sat up. Her mother had always been in good health. How could she suddenly have a myocardial infarction?
She had only retired a few years ago and had kept dancing and exercising all along. There was no way she could be sick!
“My mom video-called me at noon. You’re a scammer, aren’t you?”
Su Yufan did not believe it at all and only thought the other party was committing fraud.
“If you don’t believe me, I’ll send you a photo of your mother’s hospital bed by text shortly. I’m very busy. Come over and sign as soon as possible.”
The doctor on the other end immediately hung up. Soon after, Su Yufan received a text message with a photo of her mother, an oxygen tube inserted, her body connected to all kinds of instruments.
She stared carefully down at the image. The face was undoubtedly her mother’s.
At that moment, Su Yufan was seized by panic. Her heart thudded wildly, accelerating even faster than it had after she finished dancing just now.
With trembling hands, she called her mother’s phone. No one answered.
She could only call the doctor from earlier. The other party briefly explained that Su Fengxia’s myocardial infarction was extremely difficult to handle and that she was about to be sent into the operating room.
Su Yufan hastily agreed through her tears and told the doctor she would set off at once, flying from Shanghai to Kunming.
“Doctor, please, I’m begging you, save my mother. She’s a famous dancer. She’s still so young. She… Doctor, please, you must save her!”
She seemed to hear the doctor let out a helpless sigh. Then came a burst of chaos, and the call abruptly ended.
The lights in the dance studio suddenly came on, and He Xu’s voice rang out.
“Su Yufan, the final rehearsal ended last night. We’re flying to Paris tomorrow. As the principal dancer, instead of getting proper rest, what are you still practicing for today?”
Su Yufan had already staggered to her feet, her eyes blurred with tears.
“I’m not dancing anymore. You can go fight for the honor yourselves. I’m going back to Yunnan.”
Su Yufan wiped away the tear tracks at the corners of her eyes. In front of this man, she would not allow herself to show weakness.
He Xu was in disbelief. Su Yufan must have gone mad.
“Su Yufan, you rehearsed for three years for this Paris performance. You finally got the lead and the solo. Now you want to give up the highest honor of being a dancer?
“You’ve danced for twenty years. Wasn’t it all for a performance opportunity like this? Did something happen?”
She had begun practicing dance at five years old and spent twenty years finally stepping onto the international stage. It was indeed a pity to give up now.
Su Yufan struggled for three seconds.
Last month, she had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. For the chance to dance abroad, she had undergone laparoscopic surgery to remove one ovary and had not yet received follow-up treatment.
Now her mother was ill too. Compared to her mother’s life, she would rather lose this precious performance opportunity. At last, she closed her eyes and made the decision with difficulty.
“I have severe camera phobia. My mother is also sick. Last month, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I can’t complete the performance you expect of me.”
Su Yufan did her utmost to control the urge to cry, while constantly watching He Xu’s expression.
He Xu’s face shifted from confusion to shock. Su Yufan was not someone who liked to joke.
Besides, who would joke with their own life?
“Su Yufan, calm down first. We only need one week. With your willpower, you should be able to hold on, right?
“Camera phobia is nothing more than too much pressure and too much anxiety. You can keep your gaze on the audience.
“I promise you, after the performance ends, I’ll immediately help you find the best doctor for treatment. Cancer isn’t frightening. You need to have confidence.
“As for your mother, you can hire a caregiver to look after her. I think you’re in decent condition. After we finish the overseas tour, you can receive treatment then, all right?”
He Xu was always like this, idealizing and rationalizing everything, drawing a clear line between public and private matters. He was a selfish artist.
Between life and art, he would always choose art first.
Over the years, she had been influenced by some of that inhuman selfishness of his.
But this time, she did not want to go abroad. She even had an ominous premonition.
“What if I go abroad and my mother dies?”
“Then you can come back and sign for her cremation. Or she can be cremated first, and her ashes can be stored until you handle them later.
“In any case, this performance of ours is of utmost importance. I don’t care who dies. You cannot leave.”
Su Yufan was speechless. She even wanted to laugh a little.
“After all, she’s not your mother. I understand why you can say something like that.
“I used to think the same as you, that life wasn’t as important as dancing. Now that I hear it from your mouth, I finally realize how ridiculous cold, icy art is.
“Haven’t you been secretly training my dance double? If I withdraw of my own accord, your dance double can openly accompany you to Paris. I wish the two of you instant success.
“I need to go to the airport to catch a flight. Excuse me.”
Expressionless, Su Yufan shook off He Xu’s right hand as he tried to stop her. Saying the matter of the dance double aloud now gave both of them a dignified way out.
He Xu did not chase after her. He only watched Su Yufan’s back with some regret.
So she had known all along?
But for the position of principal dancer, aside from that face of hers, no one in the troupe was more suitable than she was.
“Su Yufan, both publicly and privately, I hope you can overcome every difficulty and complete the performance. Don’t forget, I’m your boyfriend. Without me, you wouldn’t be where you are today.”
Su Yufan did not turn back. She left him with one sentence. “You’re not anymore. And don’t you forget either—without me, your troupe wouldn’t have gotten a performance opportunity like this.”
They parted on decent terms, without slander, without a quarrel.
She left him enough respect, and also left herself enough dignity.
In the end, two years of feelings could not compare to the importance of one overseas performance.
They were both selfish people who put art above all else. She did not blame him. She had her own pride.
Su Yufan had nothing to be too sad about. Before they got together, she had known very clearly that He Xu was a refined egoist.
And his control over her diet was nearly insane. In three years, the number of times she had eaten meat could be counted on one hand. Most of the time, she ate only vegetable leaves.
Back then, she had admired his persistence and high standards for art. He had been someone on the same path as her.
Only today did she finally see clearly that, in He Xu’s eyes, perhaps even her life could not compare to a performance that won applause.
It was very sad.
By the time she landed in Kunming, it was already three in the morning. Su Yufan rushed to the hospital as fast as she could and found her mother’s operating room without trouble.
When Su Fengxia was pushed out, Su Yufan secretly rejoiced, but the doctor told her an unfortunate piece of news.
“Although your mother’s surgery was successful, the vascular blockage was severe. We did everything we could.”