1
1. Date
“See? It was a lovers’ quarrel after all.”
Daae chided Seonha as she was getting ready to go out.
“Huh?”
“Anyone can tell you’re dressed for a date right now. You must have made up with your husband?”
“It’s not… like that.”
She shook her head first, but embarrassment soon washed over her and she had to avert her gaze. She hadn’t dressed up in any conspicuous way, but it was true that she had put in effort without quite realizing it. She had taken out her favorite clothes to wear, and even put on a light touch of makeup. Her hair, which she usually only dried with a blow-dryer and brushed through, had been clumsily curled.
Her closest friend, who lived with her, could tell from her appearance that even Seonha’s feelings had subtly changed. But Do-uk, who was insensitive to changes in a woman’s outward appearance, probably wouldn’t notice. He was a man who, in three years, had not once noticed even when she trimmed her hair. He was at the level of wandering around without properly looking into even his own heart, so what could she expect?
After that conversation—his request for a chance… though it had felt half like a threat—Do-uk left on the business trip he had kept putting off.
He had been leaving work on the dot every day and coming to the front of the apartment, and somehow it had seemed like he was overdoing it. Since she knew how packed his schedule was, every time she saw his car sitting on one side of the parking lot as if it had been embedded there, she felt strange, and at the same time, anxious. When he had lived with her, he had been so busy he could barely sleep properly, so she had been the one to grow restless, wondering whether he could really afford to be doing that.
After Do-uk left, Seonha felt a weight lift from her mind. She had been in a daze from the change in his attitude, beginning with the sudden confession that he loved her and then pushing forward. She needed time to gather and sort out her thoughts.
But unlike her, who had nodded slightly, thinking it was just as well when he said he was leaving on a business trip, Do-uk seemed anxious about even the slightest gap opening between them.
It had been obvious that he regretted giving her those two months. She could not forget how bleak his face had looked as it distorted, as though cracking, when he heard her say that she had forgotten him completely.
Do-uk kept calling her even from his business trip. Even when she tried to persuade him not to call, he wouldn’t listen. Apparently, he had learned something from the past.
When she heard those words, Seonha was so flustered that she could not even answer and simply hung up the phone. It felt so unreal that she even had the absurd thought that a robot that had copied Choe Do-uk’s voice might be reading out lines.
Even after she came to believe in Do-uk’s feelings, it was one mountain after another. As the person who had watched and known him from closest by for three years, his change still felt unfamiliar. He was absolutely not a man capable of saying things like that. Because she had been so certain of it, every time he said something, she felt as though a bomb quietly went off in her ear.
Still, it must have been his true feelings, conveyed with courage. Feeling sorry that she had hung up without giving a proper answer, Seonha hesitated over whether she should call him again. Then she suddenly realized that recently, she had been the one hanging up first every time.
Before she left the house, the one who always hung up without lingering had been Do-uk. Even such small actions from him had made her heart sink, but now even that fact had drifted far from her mind.
There had been a time when all her nerves had been focused on him, and it had felt as though her whole world revolved around him. She had hoped she could shake off that dependent heart, and now that it seemed she had accomplished it to some extent, she felt oddly bewildered.
Contrary to what she had told Do-uk, she had not forgotten him. She clearly still liked Do-uk. Because the moment she faced him again, she realized that over those two months, she had not managed to lighten her feelings even a little.
Was it because, though she could not throw away her feelings, she had completely let go of the expectation that she could be loved? Or was it because she could not get used to the man who had always shown her only his back suddenly turning around and chasing after her?
When Seonha hung up with the excuse that she was busy or sleepy, he would stubbornly contact her again. He would brazenly ask why she had hung up when he still had so much left to say.
His attitude was worlds apart from hers, when she had silently sunk into gloom alone every time he hung up first. Because their personalities were so different, she found it fascinating that he could be so confident even while saying he liked her, and at the same time, just a little annoying.
I won’t do that anymore. Did it upset you?>
Whenever they talked, the conversation eventually flowed in that direction. Resentment must have built up inside her without her realizing it, because complaints slipped out unconsciously. It seemed she really had been hurt by Do-uk’s indifferent attitude all this time.
This time, she did not press the end-call button in shock. Instead, to resolve her steadfast suspicion, she quietly opened her mouth.
There really isn’t someone beside you reciting lines for you, is there?>
Like that, she was carefully crossing one step at a time, tapping the stone bridge not just once but several times.
“I’ll be back. Should I buy anything on my way home?”
“Mm, ice cream? From that shop by the intersection up ahead.”
“Okay. Oh, and if anything happens, call me right away.”
“You call too if you think you’ll be late. And call if you don’t think you can come home.”
Seonha tried to ignore the sly look Daae sent her and started walking. Do-uk’s car had already arrived in front of the house. The fact that he was waiting made her feel strange, so she hesitated there for a moment. Then Do-uk got out of the driver’s seat, unfolding his long legs.
He looked very handsome and impressive in a dark navy sweater over a shirt and cotton pants. But because he had always insisted on perfectly fitted suits whenever he went out, this casual fashion of his was practically a first, so somehow it did not look familiar to her. Perhaps because of his clothes, his atmosphere felt slightly softer too.
‘He really looks like a man who came to go on a date.’
If he had heard Seonha’s inward mutter, he might have been baffled and asked what else he would be if not a man who had come to go on a date.
“I’m not allowed to hug you, am I?”
Do-uk, who had approached right in front of Seonha as she stood there blankly, asked out of nowhere. When she lifted her head in surprise, his intense eyes were looking at her as if they would swallow her whole. They had only been unable to meet for a little over ten days, but anyone watching might mistake them for lovers who had been apart for a long time.
“You’re not.”
Seonha answered, lowering her eyes. Letting out a sigh that could have been regret or disappointment, he opened the passenger door for her.
Only after she got into the car did it gradually begin to feel real. She truly was going on a date with him.
“Where are we going today?”
“An amusement park.”
He answered in an ordinary tone.
“What?”
The places men and women commonly went for dates were obvious, and an amusement park was one of those common places, but she still ended up startled as if she had been horrified.
“A-an amusement park? We’re going there? You too, Do-uk?”
“Why are you so surprised? Are you afraid of rides?”
“No. That’s not it… Can you ride things like that?”
“Are you worrying that I might get scared?”
“……
It just really doesn’t suit you. An amusement park, I mean.”
No matter how she tried to picture it, she could not imagine a man like Choe Do-uk suddenly dropped into a cheerful, lively amusement park. Would she really be able to see him startled by something, laughing loudly, or enjoying himself?
Seonha let out a small laugh. She would be relieved if he wasn’t standing in a long line to ride something with his face twisted in boredom.
“It’s my first time going to an amusement park.”
At the words she murmured without thinking, Do-uk looked faintly surprised. Of course it would be surprising to hear that she had never once been to such a common place, where most people went with their families in childhood, by this age. But this time, too, Do-uk threw out something unexpected.
“I guess you never went with that weasel-looking guy.”
At the expression “weasel,” she had to search through her mind for a moment. Could he be talking about Gyeongmin? When she looked at him in disbelief, he seemed somehow subtly excited. The corners of Do-uk’s satisfied eyes were curving without him quite realizing it.
“Were you always this childish?”
“How would I know? I told you, all of this is a first for me.”
Do-uk replied with a shrug.
As she fastened her seat belt, Seonha glanced sidelong at his profile. Even so, the corners of her mouth kept threatening to creep upward, so she had to press her lips together. Even though she still had many things she was upset with him about, for some reason, she kept wanting to smile.
*
“It’s not a place I’d come twice.”
That was what Do-uk said as they headed toward a restaurant after barely waiting long enough to ride two of the most popular rides. While waiting in lines that seemed as though they would never get shorter, his face had already looked as if his patience had reached its limit. It was almost admirable that he had not voiced his complaints so as not to dampen her anticipation.
However, when he learned that the ride they had waited an hour for lasted less than three minutes, he finally exploded. On top of that, the ride famous for making chills run down one’s spine apparently had not been very thrilling to him. Naturally, that would make him irritated. She had wondered just in case, but as expected, he was a man who did not suit amusement parks.
“Was it that bad?”
“Was it fun for you?”
Do-uk asked with a look that said, Surely not.
Seonha nodded and took a seat at an outdoor table at the restaurant. The weather had warmed up a lot, so the outside air was mild. Once the couple who had just finished their tea and gotten up disappeared, only the two of them were left at the outdoor tables.
“It was fun.”
“You said it was scary.”
“That part is what’s fun. It suddenly dropped straight down, and I thought my heart stopped. That was the first time I’d ever experienced something like that.”
“The feeling that your heart is going to stop seems like a problem. Is your heart weak?”
His expression, having seized on a strange point, instantly turned serious. He looked ready to take her to the hospital at once.
She paid it no mind.
“It’s so scary, but exciting. I want to ride it again.”
“What is that supposed to mean? I don’t understand at all.”
Do-uk, sitting across from Seonha, folded his arms in front of him and frowned.
“Well, if you don’t understand, there’s nothing to be done. But I think I’ll want to come again.”
“Really? Then next time, we’ll choose a time when there are as few people as possible.”
“Hm? Are we coming to the amusement park for our second date too?”
“No.”
Do-uk replied as if she had said something foolish.
“If we come back-to-back, you’ll get sick of it. Let’s come later. Later.”
His tone seemed to be speaking of a time after the five promised dates. For someone who had desperately begged for a chance, he spoke as though he was certain they would undoubtedly be together afterward, and Seonha was slightly dumbfounded. At the same time, that inexplicable urge to be contrary rose to the surface once more.
“Then you must mean the fifth date.”
“What?”
“That’s the latest time we have, after all. Since it’s the last one.”
At the word “last,” Do-uk’s face crumpled completely.
“You said you’d give me a chance. Aren’t you closing off your heart too much?”
“That’s up to me.”
“Did I do something wrong again?”
The fact that he’d said again was, in its own way, progress. The sight of him anxiously staring at her while drumming his fingers against the table felt new.
“I told you before, didn’t I? You didn’t do anything wrong, Mr. Douk. I was just disappointed and hurt all on my own. That’s how everyone is, isn’t it? I think as I please, and you think as you please, and that’s how we live. Even now, we’re clashing because each of us is moving forward according to what we want and what we’ve decided.”
“So you’re saying I don’t have the right to be hurt by the words and actions with which you’re rejecting me now?”
“I didn’t go that far.”
Seonha gave an awkward smile and hid her gaze behind the menu. With the way he kept latching onto every word, if this went on, they might end up in a war of attrition until they were starving.
“Let me ask you one thing.”
“What is it?”
“Compared to the day you said you didn’t like me anymore, as of today, have your feelings for me come back even a little? Do you think you could like me again?”
For a moment, a breathless laugh slipped out from between her closed lips.
“Why are you laughing at me?”
“Because you’re so confident. Or should I say shameless?”
“Me?”
“Aren’t you overestimating yourself a little too much? What exactly did you do today that makes you expect my feelings to come back? You stood there looking bored the whole time we were waiting in line, frowning, and after we got off the ride, you complained that we’d waited an hour for something so uninteresting. What part of that is supposed to make me like you again? Don’t you think that’s practically a thief’s mindset?”
Seonha looked at Douk and shook her head slightly. But inwardly, she flinched, wondering if she’d gone too far. Thief might have been a little harsh. It was the first time she had ever spoken to him so freely.
“I’m just impatient these days.”
Perhaps even he thought it was a little embarrassing, because Douk cleared his throat before answering. But soon he returned to his poker face and began staring intently at her again. His eyes held a curiosity that seemed almost observational.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“How did you hold it in all that time?”
“What?”
“When we lived together, whenever I said something ridiculous, how did you keep yourself from calling me out like this? Wasn’t it frustrating?”
“Well… it was a power imbalance, so I had to endure it.”
She had meant it as a joke, but for some reason Douk’s face froze in a miserable expression. He was looking at her with eyes darker and more serious than when she had provoked his anger by saying it was the last time.
“Did you, by any chance…”
Unlike him, he hesitated several times and swallowed his words. After a long pause, he asked in a voice so low it seemed to sink to the floor.
“When we did it… did you hold it in even when you didn’t want to? Did you… force yourself?”
At the unexpected question, Seonha’s pupils widened.
Seeing the tremble in her eyes, his face was covered in despair. She lowered her head as if avoiding his gaze. His tightly clenched fist on the table was trembling quietly.
The high, endless laughter that always filled amusement parks drifted far away around them. Only the two of them sank into a heavy silence that did not belong in this cheerful place.
She wanted to revive the endlessly sunken mood, but because it was the very issue that had troubled her the most and hurt her the most all this time, words did not come easily. Seonha barely managed to open her mouth.
“It wasn’t that I forced myself. But… even when there were times I didn’t want to… I couldn’t refuse.”
“Why on earth? You said it was okay, that you liked it…”
Even while saying those few words, Douk repeatedly held his breath and let it out again. His eyes were still distorted, as if shouting that he did not want to believe it.
Moving her lips uncertainly, Seonha carefully confessed the honest feelings she had thought she would never be able to say for the rest of her life.
“After listening to my friends, I got anxious… That’s why.”
“What did they say?”
“That if you don’t satisfy all of your husband’s needs… he’ll go elsewhere, so…”
So she had not been able to bring herself to say no. Even when she was not feeling well or was tired, she could not say it. She had lived without being able to utter even simple words like, I want to rest today, or, I’m not in the mood. Rather than innocent, she had simply been foolish.
“You…”
Douk’s face stiffened, as if he had heard the most absurd and unbelievable story in the world.
Perhaps the reason she had laid bare everything inside her without even knowing shame was because she had wanted to see this reaction. She wanted him to say it was ridiculous. That he would never touch any woman other than her. She wanted that certainty.
“If a man can’t control his lust and takes it out on another woman, that’s a beast, not a human being. Did you think I was a beast? Did you marry a beast?”
He poured out the words harshly. Seonha shook her head vigorously.
“I thought I was the only complete idiot, but you weren’t far behind.”
His uniquely sharp tone almost made her laugh, but sensing that his mood was still grave, she bit her lip.
“I told you, the only woman in my life is Yu Seonha. That means you had the most useless worry in the world.”
“…That’s impossible.”
“What’s impossible?”
“That I was the only one. That’s a lie.”
“Why would I tell that kind of lie? And beyond being a lie, that would be fraud. Are you planning to accuse me of being a swindler on top of being a thief?”
“But…”
She trailed off hesitantly.
“But what?”
“For someone for whom it was your first time… you were t-too… good.”
After finally answering his urging, her face turned bright red all on its own. Belatedly, she felt embarrassed that she had revealed her thoughts so honestly out of panic.
“Now being good at it is a crime too?”
Douk gave a hollow laugh.
He was about to protest further when the server brought over the dishes they had ordered a little while ago. Flustered because Douk’s reaction had been more intense than she expected, Seonha tried to gloss it over by starting the meal, but he showed no intention of picking up his spoon.
“I swear, there isn’t a man with a cleaner history with women than me. You can investigate every corner and shake out everything. I’m confident.”
“Mr. Douk, let’s eat first…”
“I can eat only after clearing my name as a swindler.”
“I believe you. I’ll believe you. And I’m really hungry now.”
Only then did Douk close his mouth.
Seonha quietly gazed at Douk as he began eating. Thinking about it anew, she realized it had been a very long time since they had sat across from each other and shared a meal like this.
This time, she did not try hard to stop the smile from gently spreading over her lips. It had been this easy and simple. She should have asked him long ago. As he had said, it seemed she too had been a complete idiot. As if by magic, the moment she heard his words, the anxiety weighing on her chest was washed clean away. And yet she had been so afraid that she had not even thought to confirm it.
She could finally be certain, without needing to ask, that the relationship between Douk and Cha Yuju, which she had briefly suspected, had been nothing at all. Besides, if she let slip that she had suspected the two of them, she had a feeling she really would not get a single spoonful of food down before he gave her a thorough scolding.
“Just a very little.”
“What?”
At Seonha’s abrupt words, Douk asked back.
“Just a very little, I think my feelings may have come back.”
“…”
“Not enough for you to get your hopes up. It’s really only a very little.”*
Whenever she went to an amusement park, what she most wanted to ride was the Ferris wheel, more than a roller coaster or a haunted house. On TV, it always stood out the most, and she used to imagine that riding it with someone she liked would be very romantic.
But reality, as expected, was different from imagination. It was far slower than she had thought, slow enough to make her feel stifled, and above all, the atmosphere in the space where only the two of them sat was not gentle. It was because of the phone call Seonha had just received.
- You didn’t come today, so I called because I was wondering if something had happened.
“I had something to take care of today. I’ll go tomorrow.”
- Ah, I see. The other students were looking for you too, Seonha. They were asking if that pretty young lady hadn’t come today. Everyone is full of praise, saying you’re so gentle and sociable that they’d like to have you as a daughter or daughter-in-law. They’re not people who are easily impressed by young people. Ahaha.
At the friendly words, Seonha laughed quietly out of courtesy, but when her eyes met Douk’s, she quickly pressed her mouth into a straight line. It felt burdensome to meet Douk’s eyes as he sat across from her with his arms crossed, looking at her with a crooked gaze, so she turned her eyes outside. A wide-open view unfolded before her, but she was so uncomfortable that none of it registered.
“Well then, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
The other person caught the hint in her appropriately concluding words and politely said goodbye. After hanging up, she looked down at the screen without thinking. One minute and thirty seconds. It had not been a very long call, so why had it felt so long?
“Who was that?”
The answer was simple. It was because of Douk, who had been practically glaring at her with wariness thick in his eyes the moment a man’s low voice had faintly leaked from the receiver.
“Just…”
As if he could not tolerate her trailing off, his voice sharpened another degree.
“Just who?”
Seonha squeezed her eyes shut, then opened them. Thinking back, it seemed fights always broke out after situations like this.
“Just, who.”
The way he enunciated each word was so fierce it seemed as if he would stop the Ferris wheel right there if he did not get an answer.
And when he pressured her so forcefully like this, that inexplicable spite curled up in her chest would rise again…
“It has nothing to do with you, Mr. Douk.”
And such thorny words would come out on their own.
“Are you doing this to torment me to death? Why on earth won’t you tell me?”
“You won’t be tormented to death over something like this.”
“Does it seem like I’m in the mood for wordplay?”
Seonha did not answer. In truth, this time it was less because of spite and more because there was a reason she could not tell him. But she could not lie either, so she had no choice but to change the subject or keep her mouth shut.
“Don’t tell me you really went on a blind date.”
“It felt really slow, but we’re already all the way around. Let’s hurry and get off too.”
After getting off the Ferris wheel, Seonha looked up at the now-darkened sky and pretended to be distracted. She could feel his piercing gaze right beside her, but she at least possessed enough acting skill to play innocent.
The mood had definitely been good before they got on the Ferris wheel.
Even while preaching that waiting an hour to ride something for a mere three minutes was highly inefficient, Douk had not seemed bored with the time they were spending now. After hearing her say that her feelings had come back a very little, his spirits had visibly lifted.
Without being asked, he had bought churros, cotton candy, and ice cream while they waited in line.
He knew that she liked sweet snacks and ice cream. The drink he had bought her before they got on the Ferris wheel had also been her favorite, a chocolate latte. She had thought she was the only one who knew him inside and out, so it had been a little surprising. After taking and eating everything he bought her, she belatedly felt guilty and lamented, and he gave a small laugh before saying,
It had been an unsightly past in which she got drunk and rambled in front of someone she was not even close to, but that was how many wounds had been knotted up inside her. She had regretted spilling words she could not say to anyone, but if Douk had dismissed those stories as trivial and forgotten them completely, perhaps that too would have hurt her.
She thought she had been moved by the fact that Douk had cherished every word she had said in his memory. Just like the moment he had declared that the only woman in his life was her.
However, Douk, who knew nothing of a woman’s heart, couldn’t figure out why her smile had softened, however faintly, with warmth. Perhaps he’d wildly missed the mark and assumed she was in a better mood because he had bought her plenty of sweet snacks, because he tried to buy absolutely everything that caught his eye as they passed. Even that was so very Choe Douk.
The awkward atmosphere had been ripening into something pleasant, but a single phone call ended up ruining the date. No, in truth, the phone call had done nothing wrong.
“Why won’t you tell me what bastard it was?”
“I told you, there’s no reason to. And don’t talk so crudely about someone you don’t even know. It’s unpleasant to hear.”
“Unpleasant? Why are you taking that bastard’s side here? A guy who calls a married woman late at night and snickers is obvious.”
“Are you going to keep talking like that?”
“If you don’t want to hear me talk like this, tell me who that bastard is. Even better if you give me his contact information.”
Seonha, whose mood today had been like sweet, soft cotton candy, plummeted to the ends of the earth in an instant and let out a deep sigh.
“Is this what the love you supposedly came to realize is, Mr. Douk? Then there’s no need to continue the rest of this date. I don’t want to see someone this inconsiderate.”
The roughness in his gaze cooled coldly.
“Is it so wrong for me to be curious about who the man you talked to was?”
“You’re far too sensitive about things like this, Mr. Douk. It’s not as if I shared some deep conversation with him, and yet you’re already looking at me with suspicion.”
“I wasn’t suspecting you.”
“And is it only today? That day… in the kitchen too, you got worked up like that right away and lost your reason.”
“What am I supposed to do when just the thought of you being with another man makes my blood boil so much I can’t handle it?”
“That’s exactly what’s too excessive—”
Douk cut Seonha off.
“I know I’m sensitive and excessive. But what about you? If I were with another woman, wouldn’t you get angry and irritated?”
“……”
“It’s only normal to feel uneasy or bothered. Ever since I realized what the feeling called love is, my entire world has revolved around you.”
Because he expressed his feelings without hesitation, Seonha felt her heart grow hot.
“Ah, did you say you only liked me moderately and then stopped? Then I understand. If it wasn’t love, you could have maintained such a considerate and elegant heart.”
Douk, who had shifted his gaze away as if avoiding meeting Seonha’s eyes, did not see the tremor in her gaze.