Episode 47
What words could possibly explain this feeling?
It was a dreadful experience.
As she looked into the eyes she had ruined, Rose tensed at every moment, waiting as though for punishment, bracing for whatever words Dr. Briman might throw at her.
Even though she had experienced it before, there was no getting used to it. Rather, as the days passed, her sense of guilt only climbed to an extreme.
While the antidote, concocted by inferring what poison might have been mixed in from the symptoms so far, was administered, Ezekail endured without so much as a groan, clutching her hand as though it were a lifeline. Even Dr. Briman praised the fact that his condition had remained stable thanks to her presence.
Rose alone sat frozen there like a stone statue. She had trembled so much, and had berated herself so fiercely not to show it enough for him to notice, that she barely endured the entire examination in a daze, then ran to the bathroom as soon as it ended and retched dryly.
In the aftermath, exhaustion swept over her and her body sank, but there was no time to rest.
Rose stared blankly at the letter paper on which she had written only the recipient’s name at the top, then wiped her sweaty palms on the hem of her skirt. It was a letter to be sent through Merlo to Ezekail’s father. As they had obtained a stay on his disposal, news of Derosa had to be shared with Cleris.
Moreover, inquiries about his future were apparently being directed to the Valdemaera family because the “King’s Army” had lost its commander, so she had to ask them to buy time so that Ezekail could maintain his position for the time being.
She had to write in as neat a hand as possible, suppressing all emotion and recording only objective facts. To do that, she first had to calm this unsettled heart. She breathed as steadily as she could.
“Rose.”
And yet, before Ezekail’s voice, every effort fell apart at once.
Concealing her scattered feelings, Rose turned to look at him.
As Dr. Briman had instructed for aftercare, Ezekail had a cold, chilled wet towel laid over his eyes. It was to reduce the pain, heat, and swelling.
“It’s too quiet. What are you doing?”
“A letter……”
Rose glanced sideways at the name Valdemaera, which she had carefully written with her own hand.
“I was writing a reply to the report.”
“To send to Moncam?”
“Yes.”
A lie of this degree had become easy now. She had told so many small lies to deceive him that they no longer even felt like lies.
“Right, about that reply.”
“Do you have new instructions?”
“I think we should tell Moncam to postpone his visit to the mansion.”
“Ah, pardon?”
It was unexpected good news. Rose opened her eyes wide, then soon let out a breath of relief. She did not know why Ezekail had suddenly changed his mind, but simply avoiding a face-to-face meeting with Captain Moncam eased her burden considerably.
Before Rose could ask, Ezekail explained the reason.
“If Davis is wary of us, then we need to show as soon as possible that the King’s Army is still intact. The priority is to assemble the company and prepare military training.”
“One moment. I’ll write it down.”
Ezekail listened to Rose’s movements. He could hear the nib of her pen scratching softly over the paper. It was a gentle sound that made him feel at peace.
Rose did not ask further, so he did not bother saying it, but in truth, that excuse was not the entire reason he had refused Moncam’s visit.
He did not want to show Rose to another man.
Dr. Briman might be a middle-aged to elderly man, well advanced in years, but Moncam was young. Moreover, he was a capable adjutant, competent enough that Ezekail had entrusted him with handling matters in his stead from among the company he had personally selected with care.
It was not that he did not trust Rose or Moncam. It was that he had not yet seen anything of Rose—not her face, not even her handwriting—and he disliked how others kept seeing the Rose he could not see before him and admiring her first. He was the one who had gained her feelings, and he was the one who shared the deepest bond with her, yet because he was a damned blind man, he had to confirm everything through someone else’s mouth every time, and it gnawed at him. Sometimes—no, in truth, always—he wanted to be the first to know the wonderful qualities and abilities Rose possessed, before anyone else did.
Even if it was childish, that was his honest feeling, and there was nothing he could do about it.
“In any case, it’ll be difficult to keep tracking that woman with only the clues we have now. If her entire family fled at once, she won’t be comfortably staying at the school either. For now, I have to focus on treatment. And after treatment is finished, I plan to personally command the search for that woman.”
“Yes, I’ll relay it exactly as you said.”
Rose calmly wrote down his instructions.
Having spoken half of his objective aloud, Ezekail carefully folded away and hid the other half of his true feelings concerning Rose. It was not yet time to reveal them.
Someday, when he regained his sight, he would tell Rose with a smile that he had in fact felt that way.
That though you did not know, whenever it came to you, my heart was never at ease.
That I had waited only for the day I could look directly at your face and speak this honestly.
That since you protected me all this time, from now on I would protect you and spend my entire life repaying you.
That I would love you no longer in darkness, but in the light, and that I had always wished for nothing more.
Together with that deep confession he had long buried in his heart, he intended to slip a ring onto Rose’s finger and propose to her.
For that, he had to regain these eyes as soon as possible.
Impatience was already rising within him.
It was all right if it became more painful. It was all right if it took a long time. It was all right even if his vision did not return as perfectly as before. So long as he could see your face, even dimly.
Ezekail pressed the backs of his hands gently against his aching eyelids.
Dr. Briman visited the mansion twice a week. Madam Serva had tried to offer him a guest room in the mansion so he could comfortably devote himself to Ezekail while he was in charge of the treatment, but Dr. Briman declined the offer, saying that besides Ezekail, he had several other patients under his care. Thus Rose’s role grew even larger.
Once Dr. Briman finished his examination and returned, everything afterward fell to Rose. She carefully observed whether any unusual symptoms appeared, and even when Ezekail did not show it, she noticed his discomfort and pain and nursed him. Looking through the medical books Dr. Briman had brought and comparing various symptoms related to poisoning also became her task. In the midst of it all, she also wrote letters in spare moments to send to Valdemaera in Cleris. Merlo took her letter, checked Ezekail’s condition so that he could report even in brief, and then departed for Cleris.
“How is Lord Ezekail?”
“He has only just begun detoxification, so we still can’t know the exact results. But he is receiving the treatment well.”
“The butler and everyone else have been so tense these past few days they can hardly breathe. In any case, you’re no ordinary person either, my lady.”
Instead of responding, Rose changed the subject.
“……I wrote it in the letter as well, but please convey to His Excellency that his officer’s commission must be preserved. There is a reason the company he led became known as the King’s Army representing the 37th Regiment. It was also a place where Valdemaera’s prestige was established, so even for the sake of that symbolism, it must be protected.”
“Good grief, my ears are going to bleed. I understand, so please stop saying it. Somehow, you seem more worried about him losing his position than Lord Ezekail himself. His Excellency will also be trying to protect Lord Ezekail as much as possible for now because of your guarantee, my lady, so that part should be fine. Ah, and if there is anything you need, say so. In any case, even if Valdemaera cannot acknowledge your existence, they ought to compensate you to some extent for your efforts and sacrifices so far.”
Rose did not answer. She had never considered any material compensation. From the beginning, she had not appeared hoping for such a thing.
What she wanted was something no one could give her. And Ezekail, the only person capable of giving it…… probably would not.
Because he would not forgive her deception.
Unlike her heart, which had lost its answer, the day flowed steadily in a fixed direction.
At the secluded mansion in Derosa, she sent Merlo off and welcomed Dr. Briman. The doctor, who visited the mansion early in the morning, examined Ezekail in the drawing room being used as a treatment room. Ezekail went in with Rose accompanying him.
Without fail, it was the process of facing the past.
Too many people’s wrongs had been involved in harming one person. Her parents, who had been unable to abandon their excessive desire to educate their daughter, and Akenaus, who had taken hostages and forced poison into her hands in the end, would not be able to escape responsibility.
But no matter whom she thought of, in the end, her own fault had been the greatest in his fall.
After all, had she not been the one who ultimately carried it out?
She had no right to blame others. She resented herself from that day.
She hated “Rose” so much.