[Chapter 84] - The Word Love
‘...Did I tease her too much?’
I glanced down to see Titania looking away with a sulky expression, her lips pouted out. Her jealous demeanor had been so lovely that I couldn’t resist teasing her a little, but Titania seemed thoroughly displeased by it, refusing to look at me ever since.
The jealousy I was witnessing from Titania for the first time was maddeningly adorable—so much so that laughter bubbled up naturally. Honestly, I had tried not to tease her, but seeing her like that, I simply couldn’t help myself. Until now, Titania had never shown the slightest hint of jealousy toward anyone else.
A daughter’s anxious jealousy, afraid her mother would be stolen away, was not something one could easily witness. That was why I had wanted to tease her just a little, but seeing Titania’s reaction, I started to worry that I had only poured oil on a burning house.
In any case, since the oil had already been spilled, there was nothing to do but coax her gently. I had already seen her sufficiently adorable side, and if I teased her further, I felt I would be scolded by Titania. I gently bowed my head and whispered softly into Titania’s ear.
“I’m sorry, I teased you too much, didn’t I? I merely—”
“It’s fine. I’m not very angry.”
“R-really? That’s a relief, but...”
If she isn’t angry, then why is my daughter making such a sullen face? As I sighed in frustration, the second song began to play. Hearing the familiar tune in my ear, I smiled brightly, took Titania’s hand, and headed toward the dance floor.
The next song was not a mazurka, but a piece that Titania had practiced with me so much when she was young. A simple yet bouncy tune. A round dance that men and women typically danced together in a circle. A 3/4 beat perfectly engraved into the body of Titania, who had no sense of rhythm.
I grinned as I looked at Titania being pulled along by my hand.
“Surely you’re not going to dance this one sloppily like the mazurka? If so, I might be a little disappointed.”
“...As if I would? I won’t dance this one sloppily. Because it’s the first song I ever danced with someone.”
At my provocation, Titania snickered and approached my side with quick steps. Once we took our positions on the dance floor, we grasped each other’s hands, and I placed my other hand on Titania’s back.
Honestly—and I’m only confessing this now—the dance I performed at Titania’s sixth birthday wasn’t really a dance at all. It was more like me dancing like a marionette. Our heights hadn’t matched in the first place.
But now, things were different. Titania had grown to my shoulder height, enough to dance properly with me. I was happy to see she had grown up so beautifully, yet I also felt just a slight twinge of wistfulness.
As I looked at Titania with such complicated feelings, the orchestra began to play a cheerful tune. The piece that six-year-old Titania had practiced until her feet bled.
A ‘waltz’ that was nostalgic if one felt nostalgic, and tiresome if one felt weary.
*
Titania honestly had no time to concentrate on the waltz.
Until now, she had attended the ball every year and danced with various partners, but she had never once been conscious of her partner. To Titania, dancing was merely one of several bothersome obligations. Because of her position as a princess, she couldn’t avoid dancing, so she would roughly grab a partner and dance halfheartedly.
But now, it was different.
‘Somehow... I’m incredibly embarrassed.’
Where she should place her gaze while dancing, what expression she should make, whether the hand clasped with Mother’s like interlaced fingers was sweating, why the palm placed on her back felt so scorching hot, why the stomach that lightly grazed against hers whenever she breathed felt so distracting.
Every part of her touching Mother nagged at her attention.
Titania was bewildered, not knowing why she had to be so conscious of such things. The moment that had clearly triggered this awareness was undoubtedly when she had been caught being jealous over Mother getting along with another young lady.
‘Why on earth? I merely got caught being jealous. Was I always such a spoiled child?’
Titania knew that she and Mother truly got along well, but she had never thought of herself as such a spoiled child that she would be jealous of the young ladies who were close with her mother.
No, more than merely getting along, it was Mother’s ‘action’ that was the problem.
What had Mother been thinking, pressing her lips to the back of another young lady’s hand? If the purpose was to ask for a dance without speaking, surely a mere ‘pretense’ of a kiss would have been sufficient.
But Mother had truly pressed her lips to the backs of those young ladies’ hands. Whether they wore gloves or had bare skin. As if it made no difference at all. Recalling that sight, Titania felt her emotions welling up again.
‘Lately, I don’t even kiss Mother that much...!’
She flinched.
Titania was startled by her own thought, momentarily missing the beat.
It was certainly Titania herself who had been avoiding Mother’s kisses lately. Saying she was all grown up now, that she was past the age of kissing her mother. That was why she had felt too embarrassed to sleep together and had decided to use separate rooms.
‘But why? Why am I angry that Mother kissed someone else?’
Titania nearly let out a hollow laugh at her own hypocrisy but suppressed it and continued the steps.
A childish heart that didn’t want Mother to give affection to others and didn’t want Mother to move away from her side.
A heart that wished Mother would stop treating her like a child and acknowledge her as an adult.
What exactly she wanted, Titania could not understand in the least.
What did she want Mother to do for her... whether she wanted Mother to step a little away from her side, or not to step away from her side at all.
Her heart was complicated, dizzying, and almost nothing was clear, but this alone was certain.
That she had been irritated when Mother showed affection to a young lady.
That she had been jealous for fear of having Mother stolen away by someone else.
That she had been afraid that if Mother was stolen away by someone else, she would be left alone again like back then.
Titania suddenly recalled what Viola had told her last night. That there must be attachment and jealousy for something to be called love. That such a love existed too.
“Well, books might call it attachment or jealousy, but I think love without attachment and jealousy doesn’t exist. You feel jealous and obsess because you love, don’t you?”
Certainly, Titania had been jealous because she ‘loved’ Mother. Yet if asked whether this love for Mother was the same as the ‘lovers’ love shared by the protagonists of romance novels, she felt that it was not.
Could ‘jealousy’ be included in familial love too? Even if Mother showed affection to another young lady, was it right for her, as a daughter, to be ‘jealous’ of that young lady? Titania could not know at all.
She loved Mother, but that was as family. Titania still could not fully understand her complicated heart, but this alone was certain.
‘...I don’t like Mother smiling at someone else. I just don’t. I dislike it enough to be annoyed.’
Selfishness and jealousy so severe they nearly drew a bitter smile.
In the middle of the dance, Titania raised her head to look at Mother. She wanted to rip off that mask covering her lips right that instant and scrub it fiercely with a handkerchief. It annoyed her that traces of another young lady remained on Mother’s body.
As Titania stared fixedly at the wolf mask completely covering Vivian’s face, Vivian gently lowered her head and whispered softly to Titania.
“Whew... Let’s call the dance teacher again when we return to the palace. What on earth are you thinking so hard about that you keep getting the beat wrong?”
“Th-that’s...”
Titania glanced away, avoiding Vivian’s gaze. She didn’t even know what she was feeling right now—what answer could she possibly give to a question asking what she had been thinking? As she agonized over what words to use, unable to know what to say, at that moment, truly unconsciously, Titania blurted out the conversation she had had last night.
“M-Mother, what do you think love is?”
“Love...? Have you been reading strange novels again...? Like last time when I kissed your lips, and you said you lost your purity—hurk?!”
Crack!
Why must she still bring up a story from when I was ten...! Titania stomped on Vivian’s foot hard with the heel of her shoe, her emotions surging at her dark history being dredged up. Then, as if to say ‘hurry up and answer the question,’ she puffed her cheeks out and glared at Vivian.
“Love... as for love... I find it difficult to express love in words. Within the word ‘love,’ there is love between family, love between lovers, and so many other things, you see.”
Vivian continued the waltz steps with her tingling foot and began to worry about how she should answer Titania. She felt that the love Titania was asking about was not familial love or friendship, but rather ‘romantic feelings.’
After all, she could proudly say that she had given Titania boundless familial love. She thought there was no need to explain familial love again to Titania, who surely already understood it well.
And the reason Titania was asking Vivian such things was mostly due to the romance novels she read with Viola. The issue with ‘purity’ when Titania was ten had also been caused by a book she read with Viola.
Since then, she had forbidden Titania from reading romance novels in the palace, but had allowed it when she played with Viola. After all, she had thought such a harmless hobby was acceptable.
So this question of ‘what is love’ was undoubtedly because of a book Titania read with Viola last night. Wondering if she should forbid Viola from reading such books too, Vivian let out a groan.
“The love I think of is...”
Vivian lowered her head and looked at Titania.
Honestly, Vivian did not know much about romantic feelings either. You had to have experienced having a lover to know such things. Therefore, Vivian could only teach her with the meager knowledge she had gained from novels she read long ago or from the internet.
Was Titania now at an age to worry about ‘romantic feelings’? Who was the other person? Though it still seemed too early for her to realize romantic feelings...
Still, Vivian felt it was time to tell her.
“Love is the desire to want the other person.”
“Desire...?”
“Yes, desire. Wanting to know everything about the other person, or feeling jealous when the other person approaches someone else.”
The moment Titania heard Vivian’s explanation, she felt all the hair on her body standing on end. Mother’s words seemed to lay bare all of her heart, and shame surged up within her.
“When you love someone, you want to embrace them, or kiss them. The selfish wish that everything about that person would be directed only at you.”
Titania nodded slightly at Vivian’s words. She wanted to embrace Mother, and she wished Mother’s affection would be directed only at her. She still wasn’t sure about wanting to kiss...
But earlier, when Mother’s lips had touched the back of her hand, honestly, it had felt good. Though it felt as if her heart was being squeezed, she couldn’t stop smiling. Was this that kind of emotion?
“But such feelings shouldn’t be excessive either. You mustn’t forcibly steal the other person’s lips. You know that best, don’t you?”
At Vivian’s giggling, mischievous laughter, Titania puffed her cheeks out hugely. She simply hated Mother for bringing up the story from when she was ten again, but she didn’t hate her that much.
As the song neared its end, Mother spun around, turning to strike the final pose. Lost in thought, Titania couldn’t recall how she had danced at all. She had completely entrusted her body to Mother.
As the song ended, applause sounded from the surroundings. Just as they were about to step off the dance floor—
“That is what I think of as the love between ‘lovers.’ If you find someone you love later, you must tell me, alright? And if you’re caught acting affectionate with them this early, you should know you’ll be scolded.”
Thud. Titania stopped mid-step as she was leaving the dance floor. Then, beginning from her toes, heat rose upward, and her face gradually flushed bright red.
‘So... everything I empathized with in Mother’s words just now was the love of ‘lovers’? I’m feeling this toward ‘Mother’?’
The moment that thought crossed her mind—
Titania’s face turned so red it felt as if it would burst.
When Titania didn’t step off the dance floor, Vivian looked up at her as if asking what was wrong. Titania caught her breath for a moment and looked down at Mother.
The moment her eyes met the green pupils visible through the small eye holes of the wolf mask Mother wore, Titania felt as if her breath had stopped.
As Mother had said—
The emotion she felt was romantic love.
And the target was her beloved mother.
The feeling that rose upon realizing this emotion was simply...
“H-huh...?”
An embarrassment that felt as if her whole body would burst.