[Chapter 85] - What Should I Do?
Immediately after the dance ended, Titania sought out the "lounge" for a moment to cool the heat that had risen to the tips of her hair.
A place where young ladies could retouch their makeup or costumes, or rest for a while. Since it was a private space, Titania didn't worry about others' gazes and flopped down onto the sofa, surrendering her body to it.
"Haa..."
Lying on the sofa and staring at the ceiling, Titania kicked off her shoes as if throwing them and hugged the cushion on the sofa tightly. She didn't care at all if her styled hair became a mess or her dress got wrinkled.
If someone had seen this sight, they would have scolded her, saying, "The princess truly has no manners!" But right now, Titania was alone in the lounge. And if she didn't let herself go like this, her complicated emotions would make her want to burst into tears at any moment.
What in the world was happening? That the feeling she had for Mother was "romantic love"? That "romantic love" which was a word lovers used in novels?
She simply hated to death when Mother showed affection to other young ladies, and merely wished that affection would be directed only at herself.
That this was "jealousy" stemming from romantic love? Really, was this heart the romantic love one felt when loving a "lover," just as Mother had said? As a daughter, toward Mother?
"It doesn't make sense logically... For me, as a daughter, to feel romantic love for Mother. Besides, both Mother and I are women? In books, it's men and women who love each other, not women with women, right?"
Titania denied it again and again.
Saying it was impossible, that it didn't make sense from the start. Titania first denied her own heart. She thought it strange to conclude what this emotion was based solely on Mother's words when she didn't even understand her own heart, but...
It was also true that she had sympathized with Mother's words. She had disliked Mother approaching other young ladies. Furthermore, the thought that she wished Mother wouldn't give her gaze to other young ladies, but would look only at her—that thought had certainly taken root in her heart.
"Argh!!"
Titania twisted around on the sofa again, her body trembling with embarrassment.
After thrashing and flipping over a few times, she sighed while looking at the ceiling. She thought her heart might calm for a moment, but soon, due to the inexplicable rage boiling up from within, she began kicking her legs at the empty air.
"If only Mother hadn't said such strange things from the start! What the hell is romantic love?! Embracing and kissing! This is all because Mother said such strange things!"
As Titania flailed her legs in the air as if kicking off a blanket that wasn't even there, a fleeting memory suddenly crossed her mind. The memory that she herself was the one who had asked Mother, "What is love?"
In this strange situation where she herself had asked Mother and was now the one getting angry, Titania grew sullen from the annoyance of it all and slumped onto the sofa.
What in the world should she do?
Titania squeezed her eyes shut and began to agonize.
How could she prove that this heart was not "romantic love"? Was this even really "romantic love" in the first place? Wasn't this feeling she had for Mother merely a confusion with "familial love"?
"Yes, that must be it. If the mother she's lived with her whole life gives affection to someone other than her daughter, isn't it natural to be a little jealous because of that? It's a stretch to call that romantic love, right? Right? That's what it is?"
Titania asked herself and answered herself, nodding her head.
She tried to compromise with her own emotion, telling herself that she had simply confused this feeling with "familial love," that she was just a spoiled child who liked Mother too much and was mistaken, and that this feeling was a delusion.
As she tried to believe all these feelings were a delusion, it seemed as though a certain question arose from within her heart. As if another version of herself was asking in reply.
"Then, is it okay if Mother gives her affection to someone else? Since I've grown up, since I'm not a child anymore, is it okay if Mother abandons me and loves someone else?"
"..."
"Is it okay if Mother shares love with someone else, like the protagonist in a novel? Holding hands with someone other than me, kissing someone other than me, with someone other than me..."
She shot up!
Titania sprang up, her face burning bright red.
Due to the surging emotions within, moisture gathered at the corners of her eyes. The moment she imagined Mother doing that, that, that with someone else, Titania's tears welled up instantly.
Though Titania was young at thirteen, she was at an age where she already knew everything there was to know. She had learned in class that babies weren't brought by fairies, and that men and women had to do this and that to be born.
Mother had insisted she receive sex education before entering the academy, so she had taken it against her will. The lesson content itself had been embarrassing, but at the time, she hadn't thought much of it.
After all, she already knew it all from reading romance novels. The sex education class had been at the level of specializing the erotic scenes from novels. But to think of Mother doing that with someone else? That act that people who loved each other performed?
Titania ran both hands down her face, then rubbed her wet eyes with the back of her hand and gulped down saliva.
The thought of Mother doing such and such with someone else filled her with irritation like nausea. It wasn't that Mother doing such things annoyed her. The target of her irritation was...
"Ah."
Squeezing her eyes shut, Titania closed her eyes tightly.
She didn't know what to do with the emotions that made her feel like crying at any moment. How could this be "familial love," how could this be a heart that a "child" could have for their mother? Titania couldn't raise her head due to the crushing self-loathing.
"How could this be...?"
That the target of her irritation wasn't Mother, but a "certain someone" embracing Mother. And the emotion she harbored toward that someone was all too familiar.
Titania could recognize this emotion better than anyone. After all, it had only been a few hours since she had become aware of it herself.
The emotion Titania harbored toward the faceless "someone" in her imagination was none other than "jealousy." A terrible jealousy that felt as if her entrails would snap.
Titania had ended up feeling jealous even of an imaginary being she herself had conjured. The absurdity of that fact made Titania burst into a hollow laugh while lying on the sofa.
"What on earth do I want to do with Mother? I..."
As she floundered in self-loathing, the sound of someone knocking on the lounge door reached her ears. And without her saying they could enter, the door began to swing open with a clack.
Titania cursed inwardly and quickly sat up properly. Then, between the door gap, a familiar mask poked its head in.
"Titania, may I come in? Ah, don't worry about other people's eyes. I've checked that there's no one around."
"U-uh, Mother..."
Seeing the wolf mask peeking through the door gap, Titania's shoulders, which had tensed up high, began to slowly lower. As Titania let out a brief sigh of relief, Vivian, who had already slipped into the lounge, settled right onto the sofa.
"Are you still tired?"
"Ah, n-no... I'm fine now..."
"...? Really? You still look tired to my eyes."
Titania let out a puff of laughter at those words.
Lies really don't work on Mother, she thought, nodding slightly.
Then, Mother also let out a tired sigh and removed the wolf mask she was wearing, placing it on the table. Her face was the usual Mother, but her hair looked black because of the wig, so it felt somewhat strange.
"Why are you staring so intently?"
"...It's my first time seeing you wear a wig, Mother."
"Really? Then look your fill now. I'll never wear one again. It's maddeningly itchy, more than I expected. So much that I want to take it off right away."
Vivian let out a deep sigh, about to remove the wig but then stopped. It would surely feel refreshing to take it off, but it would be too bothersome to put back on.
Having received permission to look at her face like that, Titania calmly etched Mother's face onto her retina. Among Mother's beautiful features, as always, the most eye-catching thing was, for some reason, Mother's lips.
Titania couldn't tear her gaze from Vivian's lips. As she kept staring at Mother's lips, the soft, plump texture of those lips and the feel of their tiny wrinkles seemed to keep appearing on the back of her hand, so Titania unknowingly brushed the back of her hand where Mother's lips had touched.
Then, quite naturally, the thought arose that she wished Mother would press her lips to the back of her hand just once more. The moment that thought came, Titania was startled by her own imagination and pinched the back of her own hand hard!
"Have I truly gone mad?"
To shake off the bad thoughts, Titania shook her head. She had never in her entire life looked at Mother with "those eyes." She swore she truly hadn't.
Surely these bad thoughts were because she had imagined strange things about Mother earlier, and because she had read too many romance novels—Titania thought this way and let out a sigh.
At Titania's heavy sighs that seemed to make the ground sink, Vivian looked at Titania with worried eyes. As her mother, there was no way Vivian could fail to notice Titania's strangeness.
Vivian gently raised her hand and placed it on Titania's forehead. Worried she might have a fever, she checked her temperature with her palm, but it was a relief that she didn't seem to have one.
"Titania, you're really alright, right? You're not hurt anywhere?"
"I-I'm fine. I'm just tired..."
"...Hiding pain is the most foolish thing. If you're hurting anywhere, tell me anytime."
"..."
Ah. I really feel like I'm going crazy.
Every time her skin touched Vivian's, Titania felt heat boiling in her body. The trigger was Mother's plump lips, and her affectionate gestures that were no different from usual. That affectionate gaze and those hand movements seemed to drive her mad today of all days.
Titania glanced up, raising her eyes to look at Mother's lips. She wanted to feel that sensation of those lips touching the back of her hand just once more. But how? How could she ask Mother?
Titania hesitated for a moment, then a not-so-good idea came to mind. She knew it wasn't a good idea, but this was all her heat-addled brain could come up with.
"U-uh, Mother... I think I'm hurt..."
"...As I thought, where does it hurt? A cold? A headache? We must fetch a physician immediately..."
"Th-that's not it...! We don't need a physician...! I-it's just..."
Her face burning bright red, Titania moved her lips and subtly extended one hand toward Mother. The not-so-good idea that had popped into her head was a method of trading her shame for this.
"I-I think I'd get better if Mother gave me a k-kiss...?"
"..."
A truly absurd gaze.
As if asking when she had started acting so cutesy toward her, Mother's gaze looked at her as if it was truly absurd. Titania's face turned so red it couldn't possibly get any redder. Even she thought it was absurd, but nothing else had come to mind.
Tears welled up from the shame. At the same time she wished she could hide in a mouse hole, the moment Titania tried to pull back her outstretched hand—
"...Since when did my daughter become such a spoiled child."
With a smack, a familiar sensation was felt on the back of her hand. A pain that felt as if her heart was being squeezed, and a pleasant heat spreading from the point of contact. Titania smiled bashfully at the feeling and looked at Vivian.
But honestly, this wasn't enough anymore. No, it was far too insufficient; she couldn't be satisfied with just this.
Her shame, which had already hit rock bottom, couldn't be gathered back up. Therefore, Titania could be bolder. No, she could be brazen. She wasn't embarrassed to make a more provocative request, since she had already discarded her shame.
"H-here, i-is it p-possible too?"
Titania tapped her own lips. At that sight, Vivian stiffened as if flustered, then soon snickered and looked at Titania.
"Could she be acting cute because of what happened with the other young ladies earlier? Ever since that incident when she was ten, I haven't even touched those lips with my hand, let alone kissed them."
But since the child wished it, it couldn't be helped. Vivian gently raised her head and pressed her lips firmly against Titania's lips. A very brief smack sounded, and soon the lips parted.
"You're quite affectionate today."
At Mother's eye-smile curved like a crescent moon, at the lightly touched lips, Titania felt as if her breath would stop.
And then soon, the complicated, tangled emotions within began to slowly unravel.
"...Ah, I see."
This wasn't simply a matter of words like romantic love or familial love.
The feeling she felt when looking at Mother wasn't simply the emotion of loving Mother as a woman, nor was it the kind of love felt because Mother was a parent.
It was simply...
I simply love you because you are "Vivian."
Whether you are my mother or the same sex, it doesn't matter.
I love your very existence.
I love "Vivian" who loves me.
I love "Vivian" who cares for me.
Titania suddenly pulled Vivian into an embrace.
Though it was the same embrace as always, for some reason it felt different from usual. Mother's scent, which she had never paid attention to before, Mother's heartbeat, everything about Mother was felt vividly.
"Mother..."
"Yes?"
"Do you love me?"
At that question, Vivian let out a small sigh.
Thinking that she shouldn't kiss other young ladies from now on, and that she hadn't known Titania was such a jealous spoiled child, Vivian answered while gently stroking Titania's head as if soothing a petulant child.
"Of course, I love you more than anything in the world. The child I love is only you."
Titania, who had buried her head in Vivian's chest, poked her head up, met eyes with Vivian, and smiled bashfully.
"Me too."
Truly.
"I only love Mother."