[Episode 83] — The Beginning of Awareness
After the dance ended, Titania began hurriedly searching for Vivian as she ran around the spacious ballroom. Since the choreography of the mazurka involved frequently changing partners, several partners had changed after she danced with her mother, and she could no longer tell exactly where her mother was.
The smile on Titania’s lips did not fade as she ran around the ballroom in search of her mother. Who would have thought that Mother would attend a masquerade ball while even disguising herself as a man? Titania burst into quiet giggles as she recalled her mother’s male disguise.
‘She hated masquerade balls so much, yet perhaps Mother is the one enjoying herself the most?’
Her mother’s disguise was so perfect that it was easy to think that.
Her shoulders were broader, and her legs were longer. On top of that, her flattened chest was so firm that it could easily be mistaken for muscle. It was probably something like bandages, but the young ladies who had lightly touched her while dancing must certainly have mistaken those bandages for hard muscle. Titania herself had done the same.
Titania giggled quietly, thinking that she would never have noticed either if her mother had not spoken to her, and hurriedly resumed her search. After walking around the ballroom for a little while, she soon found her mother.
Finding her mother had been incredibly easy. After all...
“Th-There! Could you do that one more time, please? Where did you learn such nimble hands?”
“Have you already chosen your next dance partner? If you haven’t, then please—”
“Ah! That’s unfair! I was going to ask first!”
“Are you really staying in character by refusing to speak?! Huh?!”
She was surrounded by young noble ladies who were so conspicuous that everyone’s eyes were drawn to them.
Titania spotted her mother showing a slightly flustered expression as she listened to the young ladies one after another. She was busy either demonstrating simple coin tricks or turning down the ladies’ invitations to dance.
Just as Titania was about to enter the group after confirming where her mother was, she saw her mother press her lips to the back of one young lady’s hand. The lady had probably asked her to do it.
‘I don’t mind if you don’t dance with me. I just want you to do what you did earlier one more time.’
Her mother tilted her chin as if considering the request for a moment, then took the young lady’s hand and pressed her lips to its back.
“Eeeek! Me too! Me too!”
At that moment, cries of delight, almost like shrieks, burst from the young ladies. Saying how envious they were, they hurriedly held out the backs of their hands to her mother.
The moment Titania saw that cheerful scene—
She felt displeased.
She did not know why, but her first thought was, ‘Did I attend this masquerade ball for nothing?’ Was it because everyone’s attention was directed at her mother instead of herself? No, absolutely not.
She did not possess any desire for ostentation. She had attended the masquerade ball in the first place to conceal the fact that she was a princess. The fact that no one recognized her was, if anything, a source of happiness and joy.
Was it because her mother had pressed her lips to a young lady’s hand? That made even less sense. ‘Why am I angry just because Mother kissed the back of a young lady’s hand?’ Her mother had merely been ‘acting.’
Then why? Why did seeing her mother being so popular put her in a bad mood? Shouldn’t she be happy for her instead? No matter how much she thought about it, she could not understand the reason, but Titania did not want to leave her mother as she was.
So Titania—
“Excuse me.”
—decided not to leave the situation alone.
When Titania spoke to the young ladies from behind, they recognized her, and instantly parted to either side of her like a wave splitting apart. The young lady standing beside Vivian also quickly retreated.
The fact that everyone recognized her and changed their attitude despite her disguise and mask made Titania feel even worse. This was not the masquerade ball she had expected.
Titania pushed her way through the group of young ladies and raised her head to look at her mother. Through the small eyeholes of the wolf mask, she caught a glimpse of something resembling relief in those green eyes.
Those green eyes had surely held not only relief but also the expectation that Titania would resolve the situation. But Titania left her mother behind.
She opened her fan to conceal her lips, narrowed her eyes, and gave a seductive smile.
“Young master, would you be so kind as to ask me to be your dance partner?”
With that, Titania held out the back of her hand to Vivian.
The young ladies who saw Titania’s outstretched hand began to murmur.
Who was that young master for the princess to ask him to dance herself? The princess had never directly asked anyone to dance before. Their whispers were so loud that there was no point in calling them whispers at all.
Hearing them, Vivian opened her eyes wide in bewilderment at Titania’s sudden behavior. Then, as if she understood why Titania had acted this way, she gave a small nod.
Vivian trusted Titania, knowing that this must have been the only way she could get her out of the situation. Indeed, the only way to escape was to become someone’s partner.
Vivian gently took Titania’s hand.
Then, as a sign of acceptance, she brought the hand she held to her lips and pressed them firmly against its back.
When Titania felt her mother’s warm, soft lips touch her skin, the hairs all over her body seemed to stand on end. It should have been an ordinary kiss, one she had received countless times, but for some reason, it felt different.
What was this feeling? Ecstasy? Emotion? She did not know what it was, but Titania felt as though something had pierced through her entire body. The sensation seemed to squeeze her heart, and for some reason, a silly smile rose to her lips.
When she glanced down at her mother kissing the back of her hand, Titania’s mood instantly improved, as though her earlier displeasure had been a lie. It improved to the point that it sent a chill down her spine.
When Vivian lifted her lips from the back of Titania’s hand, the young ladies nearby let out sighs and cheers at the same time. Some sighed regretfully at losing the young master, while others cheered excitedly at having witnessed something wonderful.
Once the sighs and cheers subsided, the young ladies surrounding Vivian and Titania began to scatter. As the two of them were left alone in an instant, Vivian smiled brightly and whispered into Titania’s ear.
“Thank you. To be honest, I was worried about how I was going to get away...”
“Then why did you disguise yourself as a man?”
“...?”
Vivian was at a loss for words for a moment at Titania’s strangely furious attitude. Was she sulking because Vivian had teased her for being a terrible dancer and having no sense of rhythm earlier?
Or was the masquerade ball more disappointing than she had expected? Titania’s expression began to grow increasingly sullen. She looked disappointed, or perhaps uncomfortable. Vivian gently lowered her head and whispered softly into Titania’s ear.
“Are you sulking because I teased you? Or is it because the masquerade ball was disappointing? You don’t look very happy... Did your mother do something wrong?”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Mother. I wouldn’t sulk just because you teased me. The masquerade ball is... disappointing, I suppose, but that isn’t why I’m in a bad mood.”
“Is that so? Then why does my daughter look so dissatisfied...?”
“What? Me? You must be imagining things.”
Titania turned her head away from Vivian as if she had no idea what she was talking about.
The way she turned away so Vivian could not see her face made it obvious that she was sulking. Vivian tilted her head, clearly finding Titania’s sharp attitude strange.
As far as Vivian knew, even when Titania sulked, she had never done so in such a curt manner. Like a child, Titania would puff out her cheeks and snort through her nose. That was how she usually sulked. But her current attitude...
Vivian felt as though her blood were turning cold. It was truly like watching a middle-school girl going through puberty. She was reminded of stories she had seen on television or the internet about the troubles of parents with adolescent daughters.
A daughter who suddenly became cold, and parents who did not know what to do. In most such cases, the problem was something truly trivial, and the solution was always communication with the child. Without talking, there was no way to know.
Many parents would leave their suddenly cold daughters alone, thinking they would soon return to normal, only for the distance between them to grow with time. The daughter would end up going completely off the rails.
“It doesn’t matter. I simply won’t come to another masquerade ball ever again. Now I know that it’s a place where you can’t hide even if you wear a mask. Besides, the young masters who tried to force themselves to dance with me because of my parents were a problem too. What would they have done if I hadn’t changed the song to a mazurka? And the young ladies were a problem as well. Do they really think people won’t recognize them just because they’re wearing masks? In the first place, what were they even seeing when they rushed toward someone wearing a mask that completely concealed her face, like yours? If you weren’t my mother, wouldn’t those young masters have found it truly unpleasant? They’re rushing toward people based solely on their masks and appearances, aren’t they?”
Titania spoke ill of the young ladies in a rapid-fire stream.
Vivian thought even this side of Titania was entirely unlike her usual self. Perhaps she only behaved this way in front of Vivian, but Vivian had never once seen Titania speak so maliciously about others.
‘Ah, there were two times. Franc and Princess Fiona...’
Apart from Franc and Princess Fiona, Titania had never spoken of anyone with such dislike or attacked them verbally. No matter how much she disliked someone, Titania would simply respond with a smile.
“Mother, you’re the same. What kind of behavior is it to kiss the back of a young lady’s hand just because she holds it out to you? Even young masters don’t seduce young ladies in that manner. In the first place—”
Vivian listened quietly as Titania continued to criticize the young masters and young ladies, then suddenly let out a chuckle, thinking she had figured something out. The people Titania had been criticizing the most were the young ladies.
Especially the ones who had approached Vivian and the ones whose hands she had kissed.
“Titania.”
“...What is it, Mother?”
“You’re jealous of the young ladies right now, aren’t you?”
“What?”
Titania stared up at Vivian with wide eyes, as if she found the idea absurd. Then she glared at Vivian, eyes bulging as though to insist that she had no idea why she would be jealous of those young ladies and that it was nothing of the sort. Vivian could only grin at Titania’s expression.
“I see~ I see~ My daughter was really upset that I kissed the back of a young lady’s hand, wasn’t she? You felt bad because I didn’t pay attention to you and only took care of the other young ladies, right?”
“No, Mother, wait, what? I was jealous of the young ladies?”
Titania opened and closed her mouth like a fish. In the end, she stammered as she asked her mother, apparently incredulous.
“Did I really look like I was jealous of those young ladies?”
‘Me, jealous? Just because Mother kissed the backs of those young ladies’ hands? Why would I be?’
She desperately wanted to deny it, but...
When Vivian asked her that question, Titania realized why she had been displeased. No—her mother was right. The terrible emotion boiling inside her only became clear once it had been given a name.
The fact that this emotion was ‘jealousy’ directed at the young ladies.
The moment Titania recognized her feelings, her cheeks reddened like ripe apples. Her mask was red, her cape was red, and even her lips were red. Her entire body grew hot and flushed crimson.
Amid those confused emotions, Titania suddenly remembered the conversation she had shared with Viola the previous night. The two of them had lain together in bed, looking through a romance novel and talking about love.
‘Think carefully, Titania. Imagine that you love someone. But that person smiles brightly at other people besides you and tries to become close to them. How would you feel?’
“Even if you put it that way, I still don’t get it... Wouldn’t I just accept it?”
“It doesn’t have to be someone you love. Don’t you have someone you’re really close to? Someone as close to you as I am? What about a pet? Imagine that your pet wagged its tail at someone else instead of you. And that person was someone you really hated. How would you feel? Can you understand it now?”
At the time, for some reason, Titania had thought of her mother in response to Viola’s question.
The sight of her mother smiling brightly at someone else and sharing her affection with another person. When Titania imagined it, she remembered how unpleasant she had felt.
Back then, she had thought she felt that way simply because there was no one else she could think of besides her mother. The unpleasant, twisted emotion that made her want to burst into tears at once, the discomfort that had quietly blossomed within her—she had not understood it then.
But now, she thought she understood.
Titania now knew the name of the emotion she had been unable to define back then.
This was the emotion called ‘jealousy.’
But there was still one thing she did not know.
Was she jealous because she loved her as ‘family’?
Or—