[Chapter 132] - Dependence (1)
That night.
No matter how tightly I closed my eyes, Titania’s face flickered before me, crying and begging me not to leave her side. That she liked me. That I shouldn’t leave her side.
A voice that seemed to resent me, yet ultimately collapsed helplessly, pleading. Titania’s sobs clinging to my ears wouldn’t fade away. Just what… how was I supposed to have answered?
After I rejected Titania’s feelings in the end, that child collapsed where she stood and began to sob. Moisture seeped into her trembling voice, and her crumpled body sank heavily like waterlogged cotton.
Titania’s voice, calling me ‘Mother’ and pleading, gradually transformed into the desperate howls of someone begging with their all. Just asking me to stay by her side, saying she didn’t wish for anything more.
But, no matter how much she pleaded.
I could not accept Titania’s heart.
The reason I tried to push Titania away was because, just as Titania had said, the feelings that child felt for me were not ‘normal.’ Only now could I understand Titania’s heart a little.
Because the person she loved kept slipping away from her side. Because they ran away. Just as Titania had said, she had imprisoned me here because it felt like she would truly go mad. To keep the person she loved by her side.
‘The problem is that the person Titania loves is ‘me,’ her adoptive mother…’
I was truly at a loss, not knowing what to do in such a situation. In the first place, was the ‘liking’ that Titania spoke of really the same ‘liking’ that I knew? Not the kind of affection shared between mother and daughter, but the kind between lovers?
Not the warm feelings felt between mother and daughter, but the intense emotions felt as lovers? Since I had never once dated anyone until now, it was difficult to put into words what Titania felt for me.
‘In the first place, I’ve never even properly had a first love…’
The only thing I could know was that the emotions Titania held for me were not ‘normal,’ just as Titania had said. For two women, and moreover for her to ‘love’ me, her adoptive mother, was not normal.
Even if I made a hundred concessions, I could understand having feelings beyond friendship between women. But I was the adoptive mother who had raised Titania. That is, a ‘stepmother.’ Snow White falling in love with her stepmother?
“Ha.”
A hollow laugh escaped me before I knew it. Perhaps Titania was mistaking the familial love she felt for me as romantic love? I had thought there was no other explanation, but…
The gaze with which Titania looked at me, saying she liked me, held an earnestness and pathos I did not know. Could I really dismiss the emotions contained in those eyes as merely a ‘delusion’? When I didn’t even know first love?
“……”
For now, I had to leave this place quickly. I had to get away from Titania’s side by any means. Because Titania shouldn’t hold such feelings for me. Because she shouldn’t say she ‘loved’ me.
That child was now a queen. The queen of a nation. Her Majesty the Queen who had to bear heirs and lead this country. For such a child to say she loved me, a woman, me, her stepmother—that could never be allowed.
Suddenly, the words I had said to Veronica came to mind. That I was ‘poison’ to Titania. A bitter smile came to my face, thinking that this was exactly that situation. In the end, wasn’t I the one who had ruined Titania?
‘I have to leave.’
But, how? A shackle was bound to my ankle, and Titania came to see me every day. Should I tell her not to come anymore? Should I somehow cut the shackle and run away from this place again?
‘No, if I did that, Titania might break. I can’t just leave on my own.’
I had wanted to resolve this gently through conversation, but Titania wouldn’t listen to a word I said. So I had no choice but to coldly reject Titania, who had begged me to stay by her side.
I had deliberately chosen hurtful words to make every last feeling she held for me fall away. Because only then could I reduce even a little of the emotion of ‘liking’ that Titania felt for me.
Therefore, I had to leave. I had to leave Titania’s side. Even if it wasn’t leaving completely, I felt that I shouldn’t be this close to Titania.
Because I was by Titania’s side, that child was breaking like this. My existence was ruining Titania. Lying on the bed, I clasped my hands as if in prayer and begged a nameless god.
Please, let the emotion Titania held for me be merely passing. Let it be a momentary delusion felt during puberty. I sincerely prayed that the emotion she felt for me was not love, but merely a delusion.
It had to be. It absolutely had to be.
Otherwise, Titania would be too pitiful. Because Titania, who had fallen in love with something that could never be fulfilled for her whole life, was too pitiful. I simply prayed that she would quickly forget the ‘delusion’ that was me, and discover new ‘love’.
*
The next morning. Fortunately—if it could be called fortunate—an opportunity for Titania and me to create distance arrived very suddenly. Afterward, Titania, who had become awkward, spoke without meeting my eyes.
“I’m sorry. I don’t think I’ll be able to visit here often for the time being.”
“…Is that so?”
Titania, who had come to see me early in the morning, spoke to me with a bitter smile. That she would be busy with much work as queen for the time being. Therefore, she didn’t think she could visit here often.
Titania had visited here every day and sat for at least three to four hours. Had she been postponing work to come see me all this time? Probably not. I looked at Titania with a bitter smile.
“Well, it can’t be helped.”
“…Yes, it can’t be helped.”
After those few words, silence descended between Titania and me. A subtly awkward atmosphere lingered. After yesterday, the atmosphere was so awkward that I couldn’t even tell what kind of conversations we normally had.
*Ahem.* Clearing my throat, I shook the chain attached to my shackle in the heavy atmosphere. I subtly hinted that it might be all right to release me now, but Titania answered with an embarrassed smile.
“…I’m sorry. I still need Mother. If I undo this right away, Mother will run away again, won’t you? So please, stay here a little longer.”
“If I promise not to run away, will you release me?”
“…Because I cannot trust Mother’s promises.”
In the end, it was a repetition of yesterday’s conversation. Thinking that she wouldn’t release the shackle no matter what more I said, I sighed and let go of the chain in my hand. There was nothing to be done for now; I had to give up.
Titania looked down at me with a bitter smile.
“Didn’t Mother tell me? That we need time apart. Just as Mother said, I also need time to sort out my thoughts. So, couldn’t you wait here until then?”
It wasn’t a bad proposal.
I was the one who had said we needed time apart. Fortunately—if it could be called fortunate—Titania had also said she was busy and couldn’t visit often, so it seemed we would have plenty of time to think.
“…Yes, so it shall be.”
“…If you need anything, please tell the maids and attendants. Then… I shall return to the capital now.”
“Already?”
“Yes, I’m rather busy. I only made a little time to come here… If I don’t go back soon, the ministers might scold me.”
At the sight of Titania giggling, a chuckle escaped me before I knew it. I had been worried about Titania, who had been wounded in heart since yesterday, but she still seemed composed enough to smile.
“You really must be busy. If you’re too busy, you don’t have to force yourself to visit.”
“I couldn’t do that. I’ll make time to come see you even if I have to force it. If you need anything, please be sure to tell the maids. Then I shall take my leave…”
Titania, who would normally have stayed here for three to four hours, tried to leave less than ten minutes after arriving. Did that mean she was that busy? Well, having become queen, it was only natural that she would be busy.
At the sight of Titania leaving the room without looking back, a sigh escaped me before I knew it. I still couldn’t leave this place and was still bound by shackles, but it still felt like a step forward.
I was glad that Titania seemed willing to heed my words even a little. If we could gradually create distance and take time to think, wouldn’t Titania come to understand my feelings as well?
‘…Yes, let’s wait.’
Titania was a bright and clever child, unlike me. If I trusted Titania and waited a little, she would come to release me. I had faith that Titania would surely understand my feelings.
She had only gone slightly astray because of emotions she couldn’t control; if she thought about it for a bit, she would return to how she used to be. When that time came, she would release me, and we would return to the ordinary relationship we had before.
‘When that time comes, I’ll hold her tight. I’ll tell her thank you, thank you for reconsidering. That I was happy she loved me. When that time comes, even if I don’t run away, I’ll keep some distance and watch over Titania. Let’s meet once every month or two, and stay by Titania’s side.’
When time passed, she would forget the ‘delusion’ that was me.
Believing so, I waited for Titania.
*
The first day Titania didn’t visit was, honestly, comfortable. There were many books to read in the room, and tools for embroidery and painting, so I wasn’t bored. Moreover, three meals a day came without fail.
Having so much time alone, I sometimes felt depressed as stray thoughts multiplied, but I still waited for Titania with positive thoughts. I believed that she would surely come to her senses and release my shackle.
But, one day, two days, three days, four days.
Even after four days passed, Titania did not come to see me.
‘Surely, Titania isn’t thinking of keeping me imprisoned like this for life? Were the words she said to me merely lies to set my mind at ease?’
Terrible thoughts kept swirling in my head, but I shook my head and cast aside the dark thoughts. It wasn’t that I doubted Titania, but I couldn’t help having such thoughts.
The longer I was trapped alone in this room, resentment rose within me before I knew it, and I began to doubt Titania. Being alone was more painful, hopeless, and lonely than I had thought.
The maids only gave me the ‘bare minimum’ of answers and did not try to converse with me. No matter how I tried to keep talking, the maids ignored my words and focused only on their own tasks.
Thinking that this couldn’t continue, I tried to cut the chain with the knife that came with my meals, but it was no use. The terribly sturdy chain had no intention of breaking.
I tried to lift the bedpost; I tried to cut the leather shackle. All of it ended in failure and despair. I wondered if I should even pretend to harm myself, but I was too afraid of pain to muster the courage.
Every time the clock hand ticked away, I felt as if I was slowly going mad. Why on earth wasn’t Titania coming to see me? It would be nice if she at least sent word.
‘It would be nice if she sent even a letter saying she couldn’t come because she was busy…’
Since Ainsel wasn’t here either, I didn’t know the situation in the capital, so I became even more curious about Titania’s situation. Was there some reason the royal castle would be busy at this time? Was she busy enough that she couldn’t visit even for a moment?
As I stared blankly at the window, I heard murmuring sounds from outside the door. The maids only murmured like this for a brief moment. I quickly got up from my seat and ran to the door.
Swish! The chain clattered loudly as it struck the floor. Even though the chain bounced and hit my calf painfully, I paced in front of the door without caring. And then the firmly closed door opened—
“T-Titania. You’re here…?”
“…I’m sorry. Work has been terribly busy. I’ve come quite late, haven’t I?”
“N-Not at all? In fact, being alone gave me plenty of time to think, which was nice.”
Titania entered the room with a bright smile. At the sight of Titania smiling with her eyes curved, cupping my cheek, I felt a sense of ‘relief’ so intense it was nearly addictive for the first time since coming here.