89. Still a Strange Guest (3)
“Don’t hate him too much. He's just very lonely, which makes him overly guarded.”
“Yes. I don't hate him.”
“Really?”
“……A little?”
Ethan burst into laughter at my answer. He clutched his stomach and laughed boisterously. I propped my chin on my hand and stared coldly at him.
“You left one out. This occasional honest side is also part of Paula's charm.”
“I'll pass on that kind of charm.”
“Haha. You can scold him occasionally. Discipline is necessary, after all. The nanny pities Robert, so whenever he acts stubborn, she only tries to appease him; there needs to be at least one person who disciplines him.”
“Thank you for the good advice.”
Then I shall discipline him strictly. If anyone says anything, I'll say Lord Ethan gave me permission. As I nodded with that thought in mind, Ethan laughed again.
“You met Joelly too, right? Well, if you stay here, you'd have no choice but to meet her.”
“Yes. But what is her relationship with the Master?”
I had been curious about that all along. As for Robert, since he's Violet's son, it made sense. And I was relieved that Vincent hadn't severed ties with Violet. But I still couldn't quite figure out Joelly's identity.
Wait, she called Robert her nephew. Then what is she to Violet…?
“You didn't know?”
“Pardon? Know what?”
“……Ah, well. I suppose you might not have noticed.”
“Excuse me?”
I tilted my head at his incomprehensible words. Ethan let out a groan, then whispered softly.
“This is a real secret, but I'm only telling you, Paula. You must never breathe a word of this to anyone. Understood?”
“Ah, yes.”
“She's a princess.”
“Yes, she is a princess…… Wait, what?!”
This time, I was surprised for a different reason. As I gasped in astonishment again, Ethan scratched his head and asked if I really didn't know. By now, his questioning felt almost pointless.
“Along with Violet, Joelly was also someone he frequently played with since childhood. Even though she's royalty, she never treated people differently based on their status. Thanks to that, they've maintained a long-standing friendship to this day.”
“T-Then, could it be the one in the newspaper…?”
“You saw it. That's right. There was an article about Vincent's engagement knight.”
“Then is it really…?”
“Ah, it wasn't actually real. They just let the rumor slip.”
I truly had no idea. The faces of the two people in the newspaper photo were so small that I couldn't even make out their facial features. And judging by the photo, the princess looked elegant and dignified… Who could have ever imagined she'd be living this kind of life in a mansion in the middle of a forest?
“T-Then how did she end up here?”
“It's a long story, but for her true life?”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that people sometimes need a place to catch their breath.”
He only spoke in riddles. I couldn't understand at all, so I frowned. Finding my expression amusing, Ethan burst into laughter again. But seeing as he didn't say anything more, it seemed he didn't want to share the detailed story.
“You called Young Master Robert your nephew, then what about with Lady Violet?”
“They're relatives. Despite how she looks, Violet is royalty.”
“I didn't know.”
Violet seemed different to me anew.
“Anything else you're curious about?”
Ethan asked when his laughter had mostly subsided. I pondered carefully. Anything else I'm curious about… As I repeated his question in my mind, one thing came to mind. Perhaps it was what I'd wanted to ask first the moment I met him.
Looking at his pleasant-looking face, I hesitantly parted my lips.
“Um, Lord Ethan.”
“Yes.”
“When I met Lord Vincent again, his eyes could see.”
I swallowed dry saliva instinctively. Ethan paused, then slowly nodded. As if telling me to continue.
“I was very worried, but his physique had become robust, and it seemed like he was living a healthy life now. His eyes also seemed to see very well.”
“But.”
“But…… the moment I saw that appearance, I had something I was curious about.”
Even speaking up to this point, I felt strangely breathless. A part of my chest felt stifled. I licked my dry lips. As if giving me courage, Ethan calmly waited for my next words.
I opened and closed my lips several times, but ultimately couldn't spit out the question lingering in my mouth. Noticing my hesitation, Ethan smiled warmly. He seemed to know what I was trying to ask. No, he was permitting it.
*It's okay, so go ahead and ask.*
Ethan truly hadn't changed. Someone who hid his own feelings tightly but pierced through others' hearts sharply. That was why it was uncomfortable being with him.
This time as well, he had dug up my inner thoughts. The question I wanted to ask first if I ever met him, but on the other hand, couldn't easily bring up.
I moved my lips and barely spat out a single phrase.
“What happened to Lord Lucas?”
Finally facing the question of his well-being.
“I wondered when you'd ask.”
“…….”
“May I ask why seeing Vincent made you think of Lucas?”
“In the past, Lord Lucas……”
Back then, I only thought he was playing a cruel prank. I realized that it was actually his true feeling the moment I met Vincent again. Perhaps I wanted to believe I had misheard. Even though I was angry at his attitude for calling it a joke, a part of me was relieved. Relieved that it was just a joke.
A gentle person.
And therefore, a bad person.
“He said he wanted to give his world to Lord Vincent.”
As soon as I spat that out, a lump rose in my throat. My heart always ached whenever I thought of Lucas. My heart would constrict, and sorrow would rise up to the back of my throat, making me feel like I was suffocating. That was why I hesitated to think of him. Even though I knew, I pretended not to know, turning a blind eye while thinking he must be living well. I just tried to forget the anxiety nestled in a corner of my heart. Even though I knew I couldn't erase it even if I tried to forget, I prioritized my own selfishness.
Lucas must be living happily, better than anyone else.
Because he had to be.
Ethan provided the answer to that now. His brown eyes, tinged with sorrow, looked at me. Not wanting to see that face anymore, I buried my face in both hands. I bent over so that my hands touched my knees, afraid he might tell me to lift my head.
“Paula.”
“……Yes.”
“Lucas didn't hesitate. He didn't regret it, either.”
“Was there… was there really no other way?”
“Well. If we waited, there might have been another way. A way for Lucas to live, and for Vincent to step out into the world. But there was no time for that. Lucas's condition was worsening day by day. His frail constitution since childhood was one of the reasons for the deterioration.”
“…….”
“It was what Lucas wanted. Since it was a choice he made himself, I wanted to respect it, too.”
Ethan's voice was calm. But I knew how much agonizing time he must have spent to be able to say this. I knew it very well. Who would welcome their younger brother throwing his own life away? And for the sake of his friend, no less.
Both Lucas and Vincent had their own respective circumstances. Caught in between, Ethan made a choice, and he must have had to bear the consequences of that choice himself.
How much must he have agonized and suffered until he could respect and accept Lucas's decision? Only now did I realize the meaning of the words he had said to me.
A count who survived by devouring his own flesh and blood. That was his truth. A truth too sorrowful.
I recalled his face, stiff and unsmiling. That uncharacteristic face was Ethan's husk, left behind after enduring everything. The face that smiled at me might have actually been wearing a deeper expression of sorrow than my own. I knew his habit of trying to overcome sadness with a lighthearted attitude.
Tears fell drop by drop. The sound of sobbing, which I had tried to suppress by biting my lips, eventually leaked out. It was the second time I shed tears since coming here.
The first was for Lucas.
Now, it was for Ethan.
And for the other man who must have had to accept this situation as well.
Because this was the only thing I could do for them.
“Paula. Will you remember him? No matter how sad it gets, don't forget, and keep the memories of Lucas cherished in your heart?”
*Am I allowed to do that? Am I allowed, when I left him behind and ran away alone in the end? Am I allowed to remember him, when I so shamelessly tried to forget everything after running away?*
As if reading my mind, Ethan patted my shoulder. As if to say it was okay.
“Remember him. I want you to remember him, Paula.”
“Hic, yes…… I will…… I won't forget……”
“Thank you.”
I shook my head vigorously, saying no. He just kept patting my shoulder. He comforted me with a careful and affectionate touch.
I slowly raised my head. As I lowered both hands, Ethan's eyes widened before turning mischievous. My face, stained with tears and snot, must have looked funny.
Ethan took out a handkerchief and offered it to me. Instead of taking the handkerchief, I reached out and gently stroked his head.
What kind of time must Ethan, who became all alone overnight, have spent? When Vincent went blind, he shut himself in his room, but Ethan wouldn't have done that. He, who assessed situations more coldly and objectively than anyone else, would have kept running without rest. He probably never looked back, lest grief ensnare him. Just as I did, he must have done the same.
That was why my heart ached even more.
“You've been through a lot.”
“…….”
“You held on well.”
The smile disappeared from Ethan's face as he quietly listened to me. I smiled softly and comforted him. I didn't hide my face, which had become even more unsightly, covered in tears and snot. I wanted to shed tears on behalf of Ethan, who probably hadn't been able to cry to his heart's content all this time.
“Thank you for holding on.”
“……Don't say things like that.”
“Thank you for living.”
“…….”
“Thank you.”
In the end, Ethan's face distorted. I hoped he would break down the walls he had built up layer by layer, solid and firm, and spit out the emotions locked within.
Ethan covered his face with one hand. I affectionately stroked his head again.
But he didn't cry. After taking a moment to catch his breath, Ethan quickly pulled his emotions together. The solid wall had merely cracked a little; it hadn't collapsed. I knew that was his way of protecting himself. No tear stains could be seen on his face. His eyes being slightly red was all that showed.
Ethan wrapped his hand around my wrist, which was stroking his head, and pulled it down.
“You haven't changed, Paula.”
“Except for my bangs, that is.”
“That was quite a surprise.”
“But how did you recognize my face so quickly?”
“Did you think I wouldn't recognize you because of your bangs?”
“To be honest, yes.”
“I told you. I saw your face.”
Did he? As I couldn't remember, Ethan pouted. I burst into laughter. Seeing that, he pulled his pouted lips back in and let out a laugh.
He hides his sorrow with a smile. Unable to linger in sadness, he tries to brush it off with a light laugh. Doing so won't make this sorrow disappear, but by hiding it deep within his heart, the emotion can gradually fade, so that when it is brought out again, the grief might be a little fainter.
Still, I was glad to have met him and shared this sorrow like this.
“The last time I saw you, I hoped we wouldn't meet again.”
He said, as if recalling the day he left the mansion. I felt the same way. Just as the beginning was like that, the end wasn't good either. I hadn't expected to see him again. Even if I did, I thought it would just be me seeing him from afar, or us passing by each other like strangers on the street.
But now, here, I had reunited with Ethan.
“It's definitely good to see you again.”
He smiled warmly. I also smiled broadly, as if in agreement.