# 154
154. Perhaps It Was For This Moment (7)
Silence lingered in the room. Alicia stared blankly at somewhere, and I pondered where to begin. There was much I wanted to say, but facing Alicia, my mind seemed to turn blank. As I kept my eyes downcast, choosing my words, Alicia spoke first.
"Since when……."
Her voice was hoarse and feeble. I immediately understood what she was asking.
"I didn't hear exactly when you noticed. But I remember the day I told you to run away. After you left like that, I tried to leave on my own and met that man. That man already knew who I was then."
"So that's why you came back."
"……Yes."
Just as I couldn't speak of the current situation, Alicia might have pondered over circumstances she couldn't understand either. Silence flowed again for a while. During that time, Alicia seemed to have organized her thoughts to some degree.
"Then why didn't you tell me right away? You could have told me who I was."
"That's……."
Vincent had been considerate of me, and I lacked confidence. That was the only reason I had let it slide even while knowing it was a meaningless situation. When I stayed silent, not particularly wanting to say it, Alicia didn't press for an answer either.
"So you were trying to persuade me to change my mind."
Our older sister wouldn't have just watched this situation unfold. A self-deprecating laugh was mixed into the quietly flowing words, but I didn't deny it. Perhaps Alicia had also faintly grasped how the current situation was flowing.
I recalled Alicia's often anxious appearance. I thought when everything came to light, Alicia would pour out reproaches like 'how could you do this to me, were you making fun of me all this time?' But Alicia was excessively calm right now. It wasn't that she was holding her words. It was closer to resignation.
Seeing that appearance, I ended up blaming myself for dragging this situation out until it came to this. Even while knowing Alicia's greed, I couldn't actively stop her from the beginning. Even while acknowledging something was wrong, I turned away because I was afraid of revealing myself. In a way, my fault was the greatest. That's why I lacked confidence in meeting Alicia. Because it was something I had to reflect on my own wrongdoing.
I needed to have a proper conversation even now, but the words wouldn't come out. Come to think of it, it was often like this with Alicia.
I tended to keep my mouth shut to avoid pointless fights, and Alicia disliked being with me so she didn't initiate conversation. Even while staying in the same room here, we didn't ask each other how the work was or if it was difficult. I was the least close with Alicia among the sisters, so when we were alone together, it was sometimes incredibly awkward. Even when we conversed, it was all about disparaging each other, so I only tried to avoid it. On the day the younger sisters left, Alicia and I were in the same space like this yet said nothing.
Silence toward each other wasn't unfamiliar. But now, much meaning was contained within it. Actually, conversation had little meaning at this point. The situation that had already unfolded couldn't be reversed, and what I needed to say was decided.
I ruminated on the conversation I had with Ethan, and uttered the words.
"When the current situation is sorted out, you'll receive punishment for what you've done. But if you realize your mistake now and change your mind to leave this place."
"I will."
Before my words could even finish, Alicia gave her answer first. I looked at Alicia with wide eyes. Alicia looked back at me.
"I'll leave here. I've come to want to leave."
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah. I can't stay here anymore, and I think leaving is the right thing."
I didn't expect Alicia to bring up leaving first. Actually, I didn't think we'd be having a conversation in such a calm atmosphere either. Though her pronunciation was thickly muddled, Alicia's sincerity came through clearly. Her face visible through her hair looked exhausted, but she didn't seem to be lying.
"Right, that's a good decision. Then."
"Instead, help me, sister."
"Me?"
"Yeah. Help me so I can escape from here."
This was something I hadn't anticipated. I furrowed my brow.
"I was promised they wouldn't escalate things if you said you'd leave quietly."
"I can't trust other people. Especially not at this very moment, I can't trust anyone. You used to tell me that often, sister. That nobles may look fine on the outside, but inside they consider the lives of people like us as nothing. So to be careful."
I did say that often. At those times, Alicia had scoffed, so I never knew she'd bring those words up now. But come to think of it, it might resonate the most now.
"You can trust the people here."
"How? You said you also fell out of favor with your superiors and ran away before. Was that a lie too?"
"……There were circumstances."
"Seeing as you don't completely deny it, I guess you can't say it's entirely safe."
Those words caught me off guard. Just as there are various people in the world, nobles were diverse too. Vincent had been considerate of me and turned a blind eye to what Alicia did, but I couldn't know what he was thinking right now. Ethan also said he couldn't just let what Alicia did slide. It was hard to deny the thought that Vincent's true feelings might actually be the same. I hadn't discussed this matter in detail with Joelly, but she too might not just watch this situation quietly. Violet, who returned without knowing the situation, could also hear the story and take measures before long.
It would be a lie to say I trusted them for their kindness to me but had never doubted them about anything else. That's why I couldn't immediately refute it.
"You told me to escape from here with you last time, right? You were heading somewhere in the forest, not the way we came. You know a path to sneak out of here secretly. I won't refuse this time. Come with me."
"I……."
"Now the only person I can trust is you, sister."
"……."
"You never once listened to me."
"That was something I couldn't listen to."
"I know. So listen this time."
I was going to say no. I was going to say I couldn't do that, but Alicia's figure caught my eye. Her face looking at me earnestly, her gaze begging to be saved, dredged up old memories.
"Sister, eldest sister."
'Sister, sister. Eldest sister.'
A smile dyed in moonlight is pale enough to crumble. A thin body sways, unable to find its center. A bony, slender wrist reaches out toward me.
"I'll ask you this one last time."
'Sa-save me. Save me. M-me please…….'
"Help me survive, sister."
Who is that over there? My dead sisters were looking at me.
I couldn't immediately answer Alicia's request. I fled from that place as if running away. Only after walking for a while and confirming no one was around did I exhale my tense breath. My sisters' voices still buzzed in my ears. It stung as if my throat was still blocked tight.
I should say no, but I couldn't give any answer. Was it because I knew it wasn't a proposal with guaranteed safety as Alicia said, or because I saw my other sisters through Alicia? I could neither accept nor refuse.
I'm still a foolish person. I gazed at the red tea in the cup and blamed my own weakness. Then the sound of tableware clinking shattered my reverie.
"Did you finish talking with your sister?"
"Yes, I did well."
I answered a bit slowly and raised my cup.
Right now, I was sitting alone with Vincent in the reception room. After Robert left, I attended to Joelly again. Alicia wasn't there, and since I had briefly attended to her before, I naturally went that way. Thanks to that, Vincent came to see me under the pretext of naturally meeting Joelly.
Joelly often had tea time with him and would vacate the seat like this frequently. Every time, I felt grateful, knowing it was her own consideration to have us talk alone even while not knowing what to do with myself.
The day after Violet left, Ethan also departed the mansion. Whether he had briefly visited following Violet, he didn't stay long. After a brief conversation in the room, I didn't have any further discussion with Ethan until the day he left. However, he left the mansion after saying he'd return soon.
"How did it go?"
"She seemed to be reflecting."
"Hmm—"
The short murmur contained doubt about whether she was truly reflecting. I said nothing. I turned my head and looked out the window. Gazing at the endlessly spreading lush forest, the things complicating my mind felt fleeting.
My gaze was fixed on my cheek. I pretended not to notice and looked out the window, then rose from my seat.
"The tea has cooled, so I'll brew a new pot."
I made a small excuse and picked up the teapot. Then as I turned toward the door.
"Ah!"
Suddenly my body floated up. I gripped the teapot tightly so I wouldn't drop it. Vincent was holding me up in his arms.
"W-what, what, what are you doing?!"
Vincent, making a mischievous face toward me as I shouted in bewilderment, suddenly started spinning around. The scenery before my eyes whirled past. I squeezed my eyes shut and wrapped both arms tightly around his head, supporting my body so I wouldn't fall. With the hand not holding the teapot, I think I also pulled at his hair.
After spinning for a while, he stopped at some point. When I opened my closed eyes, I was seated on the windowsill. Vincent took the teapot from my startled hand, set it on the table, and came back to me. I pressed my churning stomach and looked up at his still mischievous face.
"How do you feel?"
"How do I feel? I was startled."
"But the useless thoughts are gone, right?"
Only then did I let out a hollow laugh. Is this what happens when I'm having useless thoughts? No, how did he know what I was thinking, doing something so dangerous. If I had bumped into a table or something and fallen, it could have been a big accident. When I glared at him as if scolding, Vincent laughed and hugged me tightly.
At the sensation of cheeks rubbing together, I relaxed my body comfortably. I was about to place both hands on his back when I saw something clutched in one hand. When I opened it, there were golden hairs I had just pulled out. I discreetly put my hand behind me and shook them out the window.
"What are you thinking about so deeply. You scared me."
"I wasn't thinking anything."
"Liar."
Saying so, Vincent carefully wrapped his arms around me. I leaned my cheek against his shoulder. My stomach still churned a bit, but as he said, the complicated thoughts tormenting my mind had faded slightly.
When Alicia told me to escape, I realized one thing. That my feelings now were different from when I had grabbed her hand and tried to leave this place. I didn't want to leave here. I didn't want to betray my promise with him, his feelings.
I won't leave this place. That was a small desire I had planted and sprouted myself. I felt unfamiliar with myself thinking such thoughts, but now even that unfamiliar feeling had become familiar.
I gently held his back and looked around the room. The neatly furnished reception room bore an elegance fitting of a noble family's mansion to anyone's eyes. Someday, this sight too would become familiar. The path I must walk ahead might be more than I deserve.
So for the last time…… I wanted to let Alicia go. If we're walking different paths from now on, shouldn't I let her go now? I couldn't run away with her, but I had a strong desire to safely send her off on her final path with my own hands. Truly just this one last time.
"Shall we go out together next time? It's frustrating being in the mansion all the time."
"That sounds good."
I couldn't tell Vincent. He would obviously worry, and I didn't want to drag him into this any further. I closed my eyes. Feeling the body temperature coming to embrace me, I whispered an apology in my heart.