# 155
155. Perhaps It Was For This Very Moment (8)
Just as he had said he would come right over, Ethan visited early in the morning a few days later. As soon as he arrived at the mansion, he spoke with Joely, and when the afternoon came, they went out together. And as if promised, Vincent did not visit the mansion even after a day had passed. I overheard them talking about the murder case before Ethan and Joely left. Had they perhaps found out who the culprit was?
As night fell, thunder rumbled from the dark sky. The thunder that echoed softly at first now boomed fiercely. It looked like it would pour rain soon.
I got up from the bed, changed my clothes, and left the room. I turned the lamp's flame down to its lowest, illuminating only right before my eyes. Walking down carefully like that, I stood in front of the room where Alicia was confined. Unlike during the day, there was no one in front of the room at night. Since both murder cases occurred in the middle of the night, it seemed they didn't station a guard at night.
The door was, naturally, locked. I pulled out the long hairpin pinned in my hair and inserted it into the keyhole. As I jiggled it around, the door handle clicked and clacked, then soon opened with a clack.
Through the open door, I saw Alicia sitting on the bed. Was it because she felt the presence outside the door, or was she waiting for me? Alicia was awake.
"Get up. There's no time but now."
"Yeah."
Alicia nodded and got up. I handed her the bag I had brought for her, surveyed the surroundings, and slipped out of the mansion. As soon as we entered the forest, Alicia walked diligently to follow me. The sky spits out a rumbling sound. I had to get to the secret door quickly before the rain fell.
"How much further do we have to go?"
"We have to walk quite a bit."
However, walking through the forest relying only on the lamp's light was not easy. The way there was quite far, making me feel unnecessarily more anxious. As I walked urgently, Alicia spoke to me.
"You're coming too, right?"
"I'm... not going."
At those words, the footsteps following me stopped. When I turned around, Alicia was standing there blankly.
"Why?"
"I decided to stay here."
"You said you didn't want to stay here."
"I don't dislike it anymore."
Not because someone forced me, but because I wanted to do so. I faced Alicia without hesitation and showed my true feelings.
Then, the surroundings suddenly flashed brightly. Rumble— the sound of thunder came. I looked up at the sky. Raindrops hadn't fallen yet. There was no more leisure to converse. I looked around the dark forest and sent Alicia a pressing gaze. But Alicia, as if she had no intention of moving, calmly continued speaking.
"Why are you staying here?"
"It just turned out that way. More importantly, this isn't the time for this. You have to go before it rains."
"That man asked you to stay by his side, right. That's it, right?"
I was about to say no, but for a fleeting moment, I hesitated. Noticing my hesitation, Alicia strode over and grabbed both my arms tightly. Her grip was quite strong. The light of the lamp wandered around us once. I frowned.
"Why? Why of all people, you? Why does it have to be you?"
"It hurts. What are you doing?"
"I don't understand. What's so good about someone like you?"
What's so good about you, what does he see in you that he likes so much. Her voice, coming out in stutters, sounded strange. I looked at Alicia in dismay. The blank face in front of me right now was different from her resigned look from a few days ago. It was covered with all sorts of emotions: doubt, confusion, and jealousy.
Conversations with Alicia always went in circles. Before, I couldn't rebut because I somewhat agreed with Alicia's words. But now, for the first time, a doubt sprouted.
"Why can't I?"
Why shouldn't I be by that man's side? Is it that strange for him to ask me to stay by his side? At my question, Alicia's eyes widened and her face distorted.
"With that face, who do you expect to receive love from? You always suit living pathetically, keeping your head down and reading other people's moods. You have to live like that from now on, too. No, you were born to live like that from the very beginning!"
As if it would be strange if I didn't. When the sense of betrayal harbored at the end of her confused emotions was read, my heart plummeted deep to the bottom. Alicia kept asking, "Huh? Huh?" and shook my body back and forth. Shaking along with her touch, I couldn't bear it anymore and forcefully shook off the arm Alicia was holding.
The lamp bounced out of my hand and rolled on the ground. Alicia fell flat on the ground. I glared at Alicia, fuming. Alicia was also glaring at me fiercely. Only then did I realize that the greed hadn't disappeared from Alicia yet.
It was always absurd and incomprehensible. She always hated me, and yet.
"Do you want to become me that much? Me, with my ugly appearance and pathetic life of begging others, as you put it?"
"Yes! If doing so allows me to survive, I'll live even if it means becoming you! If I can live safely and happily, I can pretend to be you!"
"That's wrong. That's a wrong thing to do!"
"You lived like that too! Everyone lives like that!"
I know. I lived like that too. For my safety, I ignored what feelings others had. That guilt tormented me my whole life. I was like that, so why are you always so shameless. I was suffering enough to suffocate, but I hated her even more because Alicia seemed to be living well.
"Again, that look in your eyes again."
"..."
"You always look at me like that. As if I shouldn't do that, as if I'm unconditionally in the wrong, you look down on people. Don't make me laugh. You might want to condemn me over the other kids' affairs, but if I'm a bystander, you're a bystander too. If I'm a murderer, you're a murderer too. What I did wrong, you did wrong too! Because you and I, we... are that detestable blood relative."
The area under Alicia's eyes turned red. Not shedding tears was Alicia's last pride. She gritted her teeth and clenched her fists so hard that her palms would cave in. At this very moment, Alicia admitted that we were each other's only remaining blood relative. No, she had already known.
"On the outside, you pretended to care for others, but you ignored whether the other kids lived or died. So it probably doesn't matter to you what happens to someone like me. You wouldn't do anything for me, and you'd think it can't be helped if I die. So what else can I do but at least do this? Taking advantage of everything I can use, instead of living in anxiety not knowing what will happen immediately, I have to secure my happiness in a proper, safe place! I want to live! I want to survive, even if it means doing this!"
The sky flashed again. Alicia's shout struck my mind strongly like thunder.
'I killed you like that.'
I ignored you, I looked away, and I killed you like that. I turned a blind eye to the third child's death in that way. Even though she was the only sister left after everyone left, I never once looked at Alicia equally with the other siblings. I only resented and hated her, never embracing Alicia. I arbitrarily rationalized that a pretty and outstanding sister wouldn't have any pain.
But looking back, Alicia was no different from livestock raised to be sold. Her father only cared about dressing Alicia up prettily, cultivating her, and displaying her outwardly to increase the price she would be appraised at in the future. He never considered the wretchedness Alicia would feel when she realized the value of her own existence. Alicia's heart, standing before me right now, was no different from a tattered rag.
It was a distorted relationship from the start. It was also a relationship that could never return to how it was. Regret fills my empty heart. I thought it would be enough if I just struggled alone, but I had missed too much on my own. Now I understood Alicia. The method was wrong, but I realized that in the end, you were also struggling to live, just like me.
I closed my eyes and caught my breath. Alicia also hung her head low and panted. The sincerity blurted out in a fit of anger was too heavy, and it was only lamentable that it merely made us realize a reality that was already too late.
"I..."
I'm not trying to ignore you.
Then, a rustling sound came from behind. Startled, I picked up the lamp rolling on the ground and shone it in the direction of the sound. Between the swaying light of the lamp, a dark figure was visible. The figure was a person. A quite familiar one, at that.
"I told you. I warned you not to keep wandering around in the middle of the night."
A playful voice echoed faintly. I opened my eyes wide and scanned the opponent who appeared before me. The opponent passed me, gave a glance to Alicia sitting behind me, and then pulled up the corners of his mouth.
Why you—no, why here.
The face reflected in the stabilized light was indeed Johnny.
"So, who is it?"
"What?"
My mind felt dizzily tangled, yet it also seemed to be turning completely blank.
I couldn't hide my bewilderment at Johnny's sudden appearance. As if he had expected my reaction, Johnny gave a small laugh. His face even looked delighted, as if he had run into me by chance on the street.
"I'm asking who the woman the Count here is looking for is."
At that moment, lightning struck with a flash. Through the beam of light cutting through the air, a terrifyingly calm face was visible. The knife in his hand snatched my gaze. The scene piercing my mind dredged up a single memory from my head.
'Run, go!'
I had experienced a situation like this once before.
Johnny took a step forward. I hesitantly stepped back while scanning the knife in Johnny's hand.
"At first, I thought it was Alicia, but seeing the information I found out and how things were going, it seemed like it was you. But then again, you didn't give me a clear answer for me to be sure. Thanks to that, my head's been complicated in all sorts of ways. Even so, I couldn't just openly ask if you were the woman the Count here was looking for, right? I have my pride. I suffered quite a bit, you know."
The grumbling voice felt unfamiliar. Johnny pointed at me with his finger and asked.
"Are you the woman the Count was looking for? You're sure this time? It'd be troublesome if you changed your story later and said you weren't."
"Who are you."
Listening to what Johnny was saying, I barely spat out a single phrase.
"Someone who does anything for money."
"What does that mean? Speak so I can understand."
"It's simple. There was someone who wanted to find the woman the Count here desperately searched for first."
"Who is that?"
"Who do you think it is?"
The tone of the retort was laced with playfulness, unbefitting the current situation. So much so that I was confused whether I was dreaming right now. Or how else should I accept this situation? Even so, I continuously scanned the knife in Johnny's hand. No matter how many times I looked at it, it was definitely a knife. As if showing off to me, Johnny gripped and released the knife handle once. I looked at Johnny again.
"Were you the one who killed the people all this time?"
"Hmm— I wonder."
Johnny tilted his head. I was certain. That Johnny was connected to the two murder cases that occurred. Did you really kill those people? Why on earth?
As if he had read my thoughts, Johnny shrugged his shoulders and turned his body slightly backward.
"Even if you ask me, what am I supposed to answer?"
The bushes rustled again. My gaze headed in that direction. The surroundings flashed and brightened again. Pushing through the bushes in the bright light, a man revealed himself.
Shabby clothes, a thin body probably from not eating properly, a gaunt face, and eyes harboring a chilling murderous intent that contrasted with his dirty appearance.
A snake-like man.
"...Stopper."
James Christopher.
Kwakwakwang— Thunder boomed and scratched at my eardrums. My voice was swallowed by the sound of thunder. The lamp I was holding fell powerlessly to the ground and shattered. In the abruptly descending darkness, vicious eyes flashed and bound me.
My mind organized my thoughts at a terrifying speed.
There was a man who held a grudge against his own birth. As a child, he had to endure hidden discrimination, and within that, he dreamed of success. The blood of his adoptive father and biological brother stained his hands. It seemed he would succeed like that, but the half-brother he was most wary of eventually blocked his path.
He failed. He was enraged. He wanted revenge. He thought of the target of revenge first. The person who had hindered him even before his brother dragged him to the bottom. Coincidentally, he heard that his opponent was secretly bringing in a servant. He was looking for a certain woman. She seemed to be a precious woman. Then, let's find that woman first and kill her right in front of him. Since he was bringing people from the outside, it wouldn't have been difficult to plant his own person.
And I realized.
That Ethan, in the end, couldn't bring himself to abandon his older brother.