# 139
139. Meeting the Duke Again (8)
"Honestly, I didn't expect you to say such a thing."
Just because we experienced the same event didn't mean we would share the same thoughts about it. It remained a good memory for me, but I thought it would be a memory you'd want to erase. Back then, he had lost his sight and his life was threatened, not to mention many other hardships he endured. For me, leaving would have been the end of it, but for him, it was something he had to continuously endure while living in the present.
"Did you think I'd forget?"
"Yes."
"I can't even argue otherwise."
Bitterness seeped into his smile. It was an honest answer, but I wasn't hurt by it. Even so, Vincent turned his head as if to avoid my gaze.
"There were times I wanted to forget everything. But I couldn't. Just because one out of ten memories was bad, it didn't mean the remaining nine would all fade away. Rather, because those nine were so good, that one bad one felt even heavier."
"Are memories of me among those nine?"
"Yes."
A laugh burst out of me at his answer.
"Did you remember Sir Lucas that way too?"
It was a thoughtless remark, made without any particular intention. I said it thinking that perhaps Lucas had remembered it similarly, embracing even the bad memories because the good ones were so precious. However, Vincent's face stiffened the moment he heard my words.
The conversation suddenly halted. The atmosphere grew heavy, pricking me with sharp thorns. Vincent's reaction was strange. Just moments ago, he had been smiling happily, but not anymore.
"Master?"
As I carefully called out, he slightly curled the fingers that had been touching mine and pulled away. Vincent looked back at me. Smiling again.
"You're right. I remembered him that way."
"……"
But unlike before, I felt a sense of intimidation from his smiling face. I realized he had forced a 'smiling mask' over his face.
'Lie.'
What is he trying to hide?
I couldn't smile back and simply stared at him. Cracks gradually began to form on Vincent's face as he met my gaze. He turned his head away again and rose from the bed.
It felt as though the distance between our hearts grew alongside the physical distance. I sensed an unsettling atmosphere from his back as he approached the window. Then, I realized something.
Vincent always smiled joyfully when talking about his memories with me. He had no reservations about speaking of Ethan and Violet, either. But when it came to Lucas, he never brought him up. No, it was more accurate to say he avoided the topic. Whenever Lucas was occasionally mentioned, his face would stiffen like it did now, if only for a fleeting moment, and he would show signs of trying to avoid the conversation.
"Is there something you're hiding from me?"
Isn't that why you're avoiding me right now? Why you're hanging your head and keeping your mouth shut?
But I didn't want to push him. I sat quietly and waited for his answer.
"I couldn't help it."
He let out a strained voice. I held my breath and listened closely to his words.
"I, I also... couldn't help it."
"Is it because of your eyes? I heard you had the surgery without knowing they were Sir Lucas's eyes."
"......No."
"What?"
"That's not it."
His voice grew smaller. I leaned forward. Creak, the bed cried out. Vincent looked back at me. Darkness had settled over his face as he stood with his back to the moonlight.
"I knew."
Knew what?
"I knew they were going to give me Lucas's eyes."
"……!"
I couldn't help but be shocked by those words.
I stared at Vincent with wide eyes. Ethan had told me that Vincent had the surgery without knowing anything. He said he deliberately hid it because Vincent might refuse if he knew they were Lucas's eyes. He said that was why he and Vincent had grown apart, but Vincent actually knew?
"S-since when?"
"Since I heard my eyes could be fixed."
"……"
"Anyone could tell it was strange. I heard that Lucas's condition had deteriorated and he was hovering between life and death, and not long after, I was told my eyes could be fixed with surgery. They said it was a surgery to transplant someone else's cornea; how could I not know?"
Every word flowed out heavily, as if he were vomiting blood. Ethan's words lingered in my mind again. What if it wasn't that Ethan felt sorry for making such a big choice by deceiving him, but rather, Vincent knew everything but still accepted Ethan's choice, and they grew apart because of that guilt? It wasn't an entirely nonsensical thought. Vincent was telling me so himself right now.
His face, confessing his sins, was terrifyingly calm.
"Why... why on earth did you pretend not to know?"
"Because I wanted to live, even if it meant doing that."
I knew that a life without sight was no different from death to him. He breathed and faced tomorrow, but it was a life he had given up on. When we first met, he was already completely withered. Like a living corpse, he had shown no will to live. So I immediately understood what he meant when he said he wanted to live.
What could I say? The weight of his words was so heavy that I couldn't easily spit any out. I couldn't approach him, nor could I flee from this place.
Vincent stepped toward me, one step at a time. His trembling hands grabbed my arms tightly. As I raised my gaze, I saw his fiercely contorted face. The pain he had buried in his heart for so long was vividly revealed on his face.
Tears of repentance fell endlessly from his face.
"It was the only chance to restore my sight. I didn't know when another opportunity would come, and I was terrified of missing it and having to keep living in the darkness. I didn't have the confidence to continue living in suspicion, trusting no one and trembling in fear. So... even though I knew everything, I pretended not to know and accepted it. I consoled myself by saying it was all that bastard's fault my eyes ended up like this, so it was fine, even though I knew what kind of feelings Ethan had when making that decision..."
His pain soaked into me. He held onto me so tightly that my arms hurt. Like a person trembling with anxiety, afraid I might run away.
"Because I wanted to live... I had no other choice."
Whispering so, Vincent buried his face in my shoulder and wrapped his entire body around me. The weight of him clinging to me was heavy. Moonlight swayed beautifully on the ceiling. Lucas was quietly looking down at us, half-blocking that light. The blood covering his black face dropped plip plop to either side of me.
'Sir Lucas.'
Whenever I called that name, I used to feel a suffocating surge of emotion along with a pain like being pricked by a fine needle. But right now... it didn't.
"If I had tried a little harder, Lucas might have lived. He could have had hope. I'm the one who made him give that up. Because I wanted to live, because of my greed..."
Words of repentance poured into my ears. Lucas was listening to those words. His face was covered in blood so I couldn't see his expression, but his slightly opened eyes stared directly at Vincent.
I raised my trembling hands and hugged Vincent tightly. I wanted to hide him as he trembled with guilt. I hoped Lucas wouldn't look at Vincent. I wanted to stop him from hearing his sins. My small stature felt utterly resentful at this very moment.
Whose hand held the sword that stained more blood and grew heavier? Whose fault was deeper? It was a question that couldn't be settled from the start. Because there was no one who hadn't suffered.
The reason I couldn't condemn Vincent for acting selfishly to satisfy his own greed was, ultimately, because I was also an outsider. Who could understand my pain? No one could take my place. So I couldn't push away Vincent, who clung to me and hid himself.
'I'm sorry, Sir Lucas.'
"It's okay."
I rubbed my cheek against his golden hair, patted his trembling back, and offered him the comfort he wanted. As my vision blurred, Lucas's face also grew hazy. Then, I was able to hold Vincent even tighter.
"You told me that before, didn't you? That no one could take my place, so you couldn't condemn me. I think the same way. Since no one can take your place, who could judge what's right or wrong? Nothing went wrong. Just don't forget the feelings you have right now, and remember Sir Lucas. That's how you should live."
Truthfully, words like these couldn't be a comfort. They could soothe the heart for a fleeting moment, but they couldn't turn back the past. He didn't not know that a pain etched once would never disappear forever. Nevertheless, Vincent held his breath and listened to my comfort.
"So it's okay. Everything will be okay soon."
Sins would leave scars, but I hoped his pain could fade just a little. I hoped he could turn a blind eye to his guilt, even if just for a very brief moment. I tried to comfort him with a wicked heart. I took his side, turning my back on Lucas who was watching us.
Vincent, who had his face buried in my shoulder, panted for breath. I continuously rubbed my cheek against his hair and soothed him. When I raised my gaze, Lucas's figure was no longer visible. Did he leave in disappointment? The moment that thought crossed my mind, a weight pressed down on my entire body. I collapsed onto the bed under that pressure. The creaking noise that echoed was indistinguishable from someone's crying.
Vincent lifted his upper body. I saw his tear-stained face. His emerald eyes gazed down at me, who was crying. His hand slowly felt my face. As if trying to memorize my face with his fingertips, just as he had once done before.
"You're someone who can go anywhere. Even if life is hard and painful, you'll try to live well wherever you are. As you live like that, you might meet someone precious in your life and even start a family. I know you're more than capable of that."
His hand, which had been stroking my cheek, stopped at my lips. He swept over his own moist lips once.
"I'm the one clinging to you."
"……"
"Because you're the only one who knows this entire situation and the only one who can listen to my words, and because I knew you'd be the only one to tell me it's okay. I'm seeking you out with my own greed, trying to keep you by my side. Because I... want to be comforted by you."
Because I wanted to live.... The small whisper echoed painfully. He wiped away the tears falling from the corners of my eyes with his large hand and pressed his forehead against mine. His wet eyelids fluttered. Rough, heated breaths were shared through our parted lips.
"I'll treat you kindly. I'll do everything you want. So stay here. Here with me..."
His moist lips covered the corners of my eyes. The lips that wiped away my tears and traced my cheeks finally pressed against mine.
"Paula..."
The call was sweet. The breath intruding into my mouth was sweet. Even the salty taste touching the tip of my tongue felt sweet.
What a truly rude person. He cries as he pleases, acts tender as he pleases, and clings to me as he pleases. He tries to keep me by his side like that. Even though his greed was so wicked and rude, the reason I couldn't let go of him as he clung to me was because I knew the warmth of someone enveloping me was warm, and the breath tracing my lips was so incredibly tender, as if it were licking even my wounds.
His tears continuously soaked my cheeks. He pushed aside the jacket covering one of my shoulders, and his long hands reached for me more. I closed my eyes, opened my arms, and locked the cascading sensations deep within my entire body.