235. What Changed? -2
Vrooooom, sudden acceleration.
Bang! Collision.
And a cold silence flows.
“···”
“···”
Only one thought crosses my mind in that instant.
I’m screwed.
I’m screwed, I’m screwed, I’m screwed, I’m screwed, I’m screwed, I’m screwed, I’m screwed, I’m screwed, I’m screwed, I’m screwed, I’m screwed.
What have I done?
What just burst out of my mouth?
They weren’t words.
Literally, it just burst out.
I should have caught it, but I couldn’t.
···Why did I do that?
This is why you shouldn’t keep things bottled up.
You just pile everything up every day, so there’s no room left and it bursts out, doesn’t it?
What do I do?
I should just play it off as a joke, act like nothing happened.
But I can feel my face burning up.
I feel like I know even without looking in a mirror.
My face must already be red as a beet.
Anyone could tell I’m flustered.
“···”
But what leaves me even more at a loss is that Jiwoo isn’t reacting at all.
Should I say it’s... cold?
If only he’d ask what that was about, I could at least make some excuse.
He’s just staring at me blankly, all playfulness gone from his face.
What excuse should I make?
I try my hardest to get my brain working, which has frozen like I’ve been hit from behind.
I have to squeeze something out.
Any words at all...
“···What?”
“······Huh?”
“Just now··· what did you say?”
The moment I try to squeeze out an excuse, Jiwoo speaks first, and my mouth shuts again.
Asking what I said just now...
Um, so what did I say again?
Ah.
A slight hope blooms in that instant.
Even I can’t remember exactly what I said just now, so maybe Jiwoo didn’t hear it properly either.
I tend to mumble my words.
And my voice is quiet.
So there’s a chance Jiwoo didn’t hear properly.
Maybe I can still salvage this.
It was then, as I tried to offer an excuse with such hope.
But that hope soon becomes futile.
Because Jiwoo unfolds my words again, one syllable at a time, crystal clear.
“So, soccer is the most important thing to you, so I was really happy when you won the gold medal. But I said I’m happier now than I was then. I don’t know why, but it seems like something more important than soccer has come along.”
...His ears are sharp too.
And his memory is good.
Did I really say it like that?
I really spoke like an idiot.
I want to kick the door open and run out right this instant.
I can’t breathe and want to get some fresh air, and that ice water shower that was such torture is exactly what I desperately want right now.
My face has been on the verge of exploding since earlier.
I wish Jiwoo would play it off as a joke, or even throw a punch telling me to stop messing around.
But for some reason, all playfulness has vanished from Jiwoo’s face since earlier.
Does he hate even this kind of joke?
Well.
Even jokes between friends have their limits.
Who would like this kind of joke?
I want to turn back time.
But that’s only possible in games.
Just as spilt water cannot be gathered back up, time cannot be turned back.
“So...”
Jiwoo slowly moves his lips.
Gulp.
The sound of my Adam’s apple bobbing echoes horribly.
Jiwoo continues.
“Then the thing that’s more important than soccer to you... don’t tell me it’s...”
Should I just squeeze my eyes shut?
Even if I do, my ears are still open, so it’d be pointless.
I wish life were a game.
Then I’d log out right now.
But this isn’t a game.
I can’t cover Jiwoo’s mouth, nor can I log out and ignore everything.
“...me?”
Thud.
My heart drops.
If there was any hope I had left, it was that Jiwoo wouldn’t be able to interpret my ambiguous words.
Unfortunately, he understood perfectly.
He understood completely.
“···”
My lips won’t part.
It’s my turn to answer, but I don’t know what to say.
Admitting it feels so embarrassing I could die.
But denying it... that’s not something I can easily say either.
I’ve told lies as easily as I’ve eaten meals.
Especially to Jiwoo, I’ve told enormous lies without batting an eye.
Lies and acting were my strong suit and specialty.
But now is strange.
I don’t want to lie.
Is it because of Jiwoo’s face demanding the truth, devoid of any playfulness?
I can do neither this nor that.
Unable to offer any answer, while an unbearable silence fills the room.
Perhaps unable to endure it either, Jiwoo asks again.
As if confirming.
“Do you like me?”
...Haha.
A laugh bubbles up.
Of course, I didn’t actually laugh, but that’s how I feel.
Like the laugh that comes out when you come home one day and open your door to find everything in complete chaos.
I wonder if this is what it feels like to receive the finishing blow.
Now I don’t even have the courage to face Jiwoo.
Tap.
My head drops.
Swoosh.
And my head rises again.
This repeats three or four times.
In the end... it amounts to nodding my head.
I’ve opened it.
Pandora’s box that should never have been opened.
The secret under the bed I never wanted revealed—I foolishly showed it myself.
Once again, my head fills with just three syllables.
I’m screwed.
Unable to raise my head, I fall into self-loathing.
Am I going to lose a friend like this?
What do I do.
I only have one friend.
Do I have to live without even that from now on?
As if being sucked into the deep ocean floor.
I was feeling like I kept sinking down, lower and lower.
“Hey.”
Jiwoo calls out to me.
Since he called me, I should answer, or at least raise my head to look at Jiwoo.
But my mouth and head are alike, frozen as if paralyzed, not budging an inch.
Still, I try to muster strength.
I try to raise my head, exerting force as if doing rehabilitation training.
Who knew my head was heavier than the heavy barbells I’ve lifted a few times at the gym.
Creak, creak.
Creaking several times, I raise my head and face Jiwoo with difficulty.
But only for a moment.
Startled by our meeting eyes, unable to hold it for even a second.
Without realizing it, I try to avert my eyes... but before I can, it’s Jiwoo who averts his eyes first.
Jiwoo turns his head to avoid my eyes and speaks to me in a timid voice.
“...Hug me.”
Jiwoo approaches.
And burrows into my embrace.
At the same time, every nervous system in my body malfunctions.
My brain stops thinking, and my eyes forget to blink.
My heart pounds like crazy, and my whole body stiffens as if frozen with frostbite.
The only things functioning are my nose and sense of touch.
The scent of freshly washed hair burrows into my nose.
The small sensation of him burrowed into my embrace sparks an impulse to pull him tight right away.
...My arms move on their own.
System failure. System failure.
With my brain stopped, my arms wrap around Jiwoo on their own.
“···”
“···”
Strange.
Just now I said this was reality, not a game.
Why does it now feel like it’s not reality again?
Time has stopped, hasn’t it?
I was clearly sitting on the edge of the bed just now, so why does it feel like I’m sitting on clouds?
...Is this a dream?
But if it’s a dream, the trembling and heartbeat I feel in my embrace are all too vivid.
It doesn’t seem to be a dream.
No, actually, I wish it weren’t.
With an anxious heart, I pull Jiwoo in tighter.
As if he’ll softly slip away if I don’t, I lock both arms so as not to lose him.
“...Hey.”
“···”
“...Hey? Hey, hey.”
“···”
“Ah, it hurts. I can’t breathe... Hey!”
“...Huh?”
Flash.
The voice that brings me back to reality snaps me to my senses.
Only then does my broken body return to normal, and I release the strength in my arms that were moving on their own.
Then, softly, Jiwoo pulls away, tickling my cheek with his hair.
Jiwoo pushes my shoulders with both hands and looks at me.
“···”
Have I ever faced Jiwoo this closely before?
I don’t think so.
Maybe that’s why Jiwoo’s face looks a little different than usual.
His skin was this clean, huh.
Why are his eyes, nose, and lips so exquisitely formed?
Does he groom his eyebrows separately? They’re so pretty they look drawn on.
Today, Jiwoo feels like a different person.
“...Ah.”
Jiwoo moves completely away.
I stare blankly at Jiwoo, and Jiwoo turns his body.
No wonder it felt somehow hot—Jiwoo’s ears are bright red.
“Hey.”
“...Huh?”
“...You confessed first.”
So... that’s how it is.
“But, whether I’ll accept or not, um. I’ll think about it a bit more. Got it?”
“...Y-yeah.”
“Right. Yeah. Right.”
Jiwoo dashes out of the room.
And as the door closes, a thumping sound is heard from beyond the closed door.
“···”
Soon, only silence flows through the room again.
How should I put it.
It feels like the quiet, clear sky after a typhoon has passed.
Plop.
I collapse right onto the bed.
Because all the strength has left my body.
...I’m really such an idiot.
This isn’t how I imagined it.
Honestly, I didn’t even have the courage, but if I were to confess, I wanted to do it much more coolly.
I’d even prepared lines that weren’t funny for that purpose.
But I couldn’t use a single one of them when it counted.
...So what happens now?
My head spins round and round.
*
Thud! Thud! Thud!
Dull impacts echo through the room.
Violent sounds that don’t match the elegant atmosphere created by white-toned wallpaper and wood-toned furniture continue to echo.
The source of the sound is Kim Jiwoo’s fists as he beats a pillow senseless.
Thud!
“···”
With the last of his strength, Kim Jiwoo beats the pillow into a pulp and slumps down.
Then, as if making up for the beating, he clutches the pillow tightly.
Soon, a deep sigh flows from Kim Jiwoo’s mouth.
“Haah...”
Just earlier, I’d woken up from a good night’s sleep and my body felt refreshed.
Now my face is hot and my body feels weak, as if I’ve suddenly come down with body aches.
In short, all my energy is drained.
But my heart alone seems to overflow with energy, pounding wildly.
Thump-thump, thump-thump.
It pounds so hard that I feel like something terrible might happen, and it even seems to make my body shake.
“···”
So, what just happened.
I somehow fell asleep on the sofa and woke up to see the sun was setting, so I jumped up.
There was a man in the kitchen, so I asked what was going on, and he said he’d gone to pick up Jian alone because I was sleeping so well.
Feeling betrayed, I immediately went up to the second floor and threw open Jian’s door.
And I teased him for no reason, trying to suppress the laughter that was struggling to break free.
I asked if he hadn’t brought a gift.
The fact that Jian came back unhurt was a gift in itself, but I teased him for no reason, expressing my own way of being glad.
But Jian said something strange.
At first I wondered what he was saying.
But as I chewed over each syllable, my eyes went wide and round.
My heart dropped with a thud.
At the same time, my whole body wouldn’t move as if broken, and my face became burning hot, like it would burst.
It felt like I was dreaming.
It didn’t feel like reality at all.
I think I asked again because I was confused whether what I understood was correct.
I asked, unable to believe it.
Do you like me?
I thought he’d say it was a joke, but Jian nodded.
When I came to my senses, I was in his arms.
Crazy, oh my god.
I was in Jian’s arms.
And after that, I said something ridiculous.
Did I say I’d think about it and answer?
“Crazy... you crazy...”
It’s absurd.
I was already in his arms like he’d been waiting for it—what was there to think about and answer?
I can’t even imagine how bewildered Jian must have been.
...Besides.
If Jian went that far first, I should have accepted him wholeheartedly.
What kind of pride made me say it like that?
Thud!
The pillow that had relaxed thinking it was over bounces once more.
“···”
...By the way.
So what do I do now?
I’m too embarrassed to muster the courage to open the door and leave.
It’s almost dinner time, and I don’t have the courage to sit at the same table as Jian.
I think I need to sort out the situation first before that.
If I want to talk face to face, to be comfortable like before, I need to get the situation straight first, don’t I?
......We’re not friends... anymore?
Isn’t that right?
We’re not just friends like we’ve been until now.
Then... if not friends...
Are we dating?
“Uuugh!”
Kim Jiwoo makes a strange sound and grabs the pillow.
And he begins twisting and wringing the pillow this way and that.
At that monstrous strength, it feels like you can hear the pillow screaming.
The other pillows trembled in fear.