234_What's Different -1
The UK and China are roughly eight hours apart in time difference. Simply put, China is about eight hours ahead. Because when it's noon in the UK, it's 8 PM in China.
Add a ten-hour flight on top of that, and time gets twisted even more strangely. It was 1 PM when I departed from Manchester Airport, but when I arrived in Hangzhou, it was 7 in the morning. It's usually time to sleep, but the place you've arrived is just starting its day, so your body clock gets twisted and your days and nights flip.
So I remember struggling quite a bit on my first day arriving in China. I was practically half a corpse. Thankfully, I was able to recover quickly thanks to a medical team with expert knowledge, but my body definitely felt heavy through the first and second days.
But here's the strange thing. Despite departing from China and arriving now in Manchester, UK, I'm not tired at all.
"Tired, aren't you?"
"I'm fine."
"'Fine.' You are tired. Go get some rest."
"...Yes."
I answer Dad from where I'm leaning back against the passenger seat. Dad came to pick me up at the airport. Come to think of it, he's really been driving this car the club gave me quite dutifully. Though it's Dad's car now, I suppose.
"..."
Anyway, like Dad said, it's a situation where being tired is normal. So it's strange that I'm not very tired. Rather, my mind is clear and my eyes are wide open.
Maybe it's thanks to the first-class ticket the club booked for me. I certainly came comfortably. But I took the same plane when heading from the UK to China. Seeing how I was exhausted then but not now, I can't help but infer that there's definitely a different reason.
If I had to guess what it is, well. Isn't it the difference in destination? Like how your mindset and mood are naturally different when going to work versus going home.
In the end, it's the difference of who's waiting for me.
"...Is she asleep?"
"Huh? Jiu?"
"Yeah."
I ask, looking out the window, and Dad chuckles.
"She insisted on going to pick you up too, stayed up until the end, then fell asleep on the sofa. She told me to wake her up if she dozed off, but she was sleeping so pitifully that I couldn't bring myself to wake her."
"...Why did she force herself to stay up?"
"Well, I suppose she wanted to be the first to congratulate you."
I can somehow picture that scene and let out a short, empty laugh. Her insisting she wouldn't sleep either, then slowly dozing off on the sofa with her mouth hanging open.
"Is she an idiot..."
She already congratulated me first via message. What does she mean staying up and even coming to pick me up? She's such a fool.
Well, I mean. Jiu is the type to message late into the night but say we should talk about the details when we meet tomorrow. A mere text message wouldn't have been enough. Not for unloading all of Jiu's chatter.
...But the funny thing is me. Jiu has always been that kind of girl, but seeing how I, who am totally not that type, felt the exact same way.
A mere text message wasn't enough. During the few weeks we were apart. I wanted to see her face directly. There was something I really wanted to say, but it was something I didn't want to say over text or phone.
"We're almost there. Now that I've been coming and going constantly, the roads look familiar."
...But I'm not sure again. Now that the distance of thousands of kilometers has narrowed to a few hundred meters, seeing my confidence waver about whether I can really say what I wanted to say so badly.
Can I do it?
"..."
Just thinking about it made my hands curl up and my face feel hot.
*
"..."
Wide awake. I stare blankly at the ceiling of my room with clear eyes. Though I'm lying in the soft bed of my room after a long flight, my eyes won't close.
Thump, thump. With my heart beating like this, there's no way I could fall asleep. In that sense, it's fortunate. It'll be evening soon, so if I sleep when night falls, I won't need to adjust to the time difference separately. Actually, it's better.
...By the way. When I arrived home, Jiu was sleeping soundly on the living room sofa, covered with a blanket. This is exactly why I told her to sleep at night. It's me who went to China; it's funny that she's the one with her days and nights reversed.
Anyway, to avoid waking her, I quietly went up to the second floor, unpacked, washed up briefly, and lay down. Thanks to that, a leisurely silence settled over the room. The room is filled with nothing but the sound of my pounding heart.
"..."
No matter how much I think about it, I'm not confident. Just because there are words I want to say, does that mean I should say them? There are clearly times when you have to hold back even if you have something you want to say. If those words aren't something the other person wants to hear... that's when you know.
Jiu is such a precious friend to me. Of course, I can't say this out loud. Especially not in front of Jiu. My hands and feet wouldn't just curl up from embarrassment—they'd disappear entirely.
But the truth is the truth. There's no friend as precious as Jiu. We'd been friends for so long it was more than half my life, and during that long time, I'd received and relied on more help from her than I could ever repay.
So the thought of growing apart from Jiu was something unimaginable for the current me. ...I don't even want to imagine it. Even knowing we'd meet again soon, being apart for a short while wasn't easy. The thought of what would happen if we drifted apart forever is terrifying.
That's why I'm torn between confessing the feelings inside me or holding them in. If I do and Jiu feels uncomfortable. If that means we can't stay best friends like before or now... what do I do then?
I don't want to lose a precious friend because of selfish thoughts like "I want to say it so I should." If I just suppress my greed a little, we can keep seeing each other every day with smiles like now, so that seems right.
"..."
...Honestly, I even have thoughts that make no sense. Why does Jiu have to be a girl. And the kind of girl I can't help but like, making me agonize like this. If she were just a guy, none of this would have happened and we could have kept being good friends.
Thinking that makes me feel like I'm some kind of bad guy. To harbor such feelings for a friend I've known since we were so young.
I guess Senior Saponara was right. That there's no such thing as friends between men and women, and that those pretending to be friends all actually have one side liking the other.
...To think that was about me. I tried to deny it until the end, but I finally had to surrender and admit it.
I guess the adults weren't wrong after all.
"Huu..."
I let out a deep sigh and glare at the innocent ceiling. Then I pick up the phone by my bedside, turn on the screen, and go into the memo app.
And I delete all the memos I'd saved. Though I'd looked them up and saved them with difficulty, I erase them cleanly without hesitation. They're useless now anyway. Confession lines that aren't even funny. I'm embarrassed that I thought I could actually write something like this and even looked them up.
After cleanly erasing those embarrassing things, I somehow feel lighter. As if the words in my heart were erased along with them. It was ridiculous and absurd from the start.
It's nothing to agonize over in the end. I just have to endure. Though I have a feeling it'll be a difficult thing... It's my forte and specialty, so there's nothing I can't do. Hiding what's in my heart and pretending otherwise. That's what I'm best at.
A snort. An absurd smile leaks out. I must have been crazy for a moment. Maybe I weakened after feeling warmth and then losing it. Or maybe I easily lost to the loneliness I'd always been able to endure.
It's fine now, so it'll be fine. If I get busy again, struggling to survive among monsters, these overfed worries will disappear quickly too. With the Champions League starting soon, I won't have the mind for this anyway.
"..."
I nod as if to convince myself.
Just as I'm glaring at the innocent ceiling again.
"Hey!"
At the voice booming through the door like thunder, my upper body shoots up reflexively. I nearly jumped out of my skin.
Slam-!
Soon the door bursts open. And behind that burst-open door stands Jiu. For some reason, Jiu has an extremely annoyed expression.
"Hey, what the hell!"
"...What do you mean?"
"If you're here, you should say you're here! You wanna die? It's been days, and you don't even greet me!"
"...Isn't it more wrong to get angry like that when we haven't seen each other for days..."
"Ooh, talking back now. You've really grown, huh? Want me to remind you of the old days?"
"No. Sorry."
Good grief. I'm out of it. She's the one who barged in out of nowhere, so why is it ending with me apologizing?
"Sigh. Whatever. Where is it?"
"Where's what?"
"Your present. Don't tell me you went all the way to China and didn't bring back a single gift."
"..."
"Hey, no way. You're not that thoughtless."
"...Haha."
"...'Haha?' Don't think you can laugh this off. Hurry up. Hand it over."
Does she think I left it with someone? The sight of her thrusting her hand out expectantly is so absurd that a laugh bursts out. In that gesture, I can see her childhood self overlapping.
Come to think of it, why does she seem like she's reverted to the old days today? I thought Jiu had changed so much recently I barely recognized her. Maybe it was just me getting used to her, or maybe after not seeing her for a while, she seems just like before.
"What are you staring blankly for? Tired?"
"...Not exactly."
"Then hurry up and hand over the gift. Stop messing around."
"..."
I'm not playing around, but Jiu doesn't seem to be playing either, so I swallow hard without realizing it. The truth is, I didn't even think about souvenirs. I was busy competing...
"Where's your suitcase. Ah, there it is. Can I open it?"
"Ah, no. My clothes are in there too."
"So what. We're friends. Come on, let's see—"
Wait, hold on. Before I can stop her, Jiu heads to my suitcase. And with a burst—just like when she opened my door—she opens my suitcase, and soon the corners of her mouth curl up in a grin.
"Here it is."
Jiu reaches into the suitcase. And when she pulls it out, what's in her hand is none other than the gold medal.
"Wow! It's gold!"
...Was the gift she meant that by any chance? Jiu lifts the gold medal over her head and looks at it with sparkling eyes. So she wasn't waiting for me, she was waiting for that.
"Wow, it's heavy. Is it all gold? It's sparkling."
"...I don't think it's all gold."
"Eck, really? Stingy. If you're going to give it, you should give pure gold. Anyway, it's pretty."
Was the reason she kept telling me to win a gold medal just because she purely wanted to see one? Jiu examines the gold medal curiously from every angle, enough to make me think that.
Watching that... I feel proud. So much so that watching Jiu marvel at it now is more fulfilling than when I stood on the podium and hung the medal around my neck.
"Wow, it's really heavy. I shouldn't bite it, should I?"
Jiu tries hanging the gold medal around her neck. Seeing it around Jiu's neck, the medal looks enormous. If Jiu wore that around, she'd probably get a crick in her neck.
"You like it?"
"...Huh?"
"You must smile just looking at the medal. You're going to drool."
"...Ah."
At Jiu's words, I suddenly close my mouth. Seems I was grinning with my mouth hanging open without realizing it.
Jiu snorts and says.
"Well, I bet you like it. A gold medal, wow."
"..."
"Our Jian's life is set now. You don't even have to go to the army anymore. Guess you don't have any worries, huh?"
...She seems to be congratulating me. I don't know why I feel like getting annoyed. Is it because I actually do have worries, when she says I don't?
"How did you feel when you got it?"
"...My feelings?"
"How did you feel when they hung this around your neck? Was it good?"
I answer with a shrug, as if she's asking the obvious.
"It was good."
"How good? Like you could fly?"
"Like I could fly."
Because Jiu asks with childlike innocence, a laugh bursts out and I continue.
"It was really good. Because I won without losing even once. You wouldn't know how happy that is."
"Wow, sure. I don't know. So what."
"It's a really happy thing. Winning... especially winning everything without losing is a really happy thing."
"What. Getting serious all of a sudden."
...Was I? But for some reason, I don't feel like joking around. Seeing Jiu with the gold medal I brought around her neck, something indescribable tickles my throat.
"...Football is all I have."
Unable to endure that tickle, I blurt it out. Then Jiu stops joking and looks at me, and seeing that face, I become even more unable to stop my words.
"Football is the only thing I know how to do. I ended up where I am thanks to football. I wonder what would have happened if it weren't for football."
"...What do you mean, what would have happened? Why are you thinking like that?"
"I don't know. I just... that's how important football is to me. That's how happy I was when I won the gold medal."
Jiu pouts her lips and nods. The moment I see that, something hot from an unknown source rises up my throat.
Usually, words come from the brain to the mouth. This feels like they're coming from the heart to the mouth.
"...But what do I do?"
"What do you mean?"
Jiu tilts her head. Against that, I end up spewing out the hot something welling up from deep inside my heart.
"I think... there's something... more important than football... that has come to me."
This isn't my will.
"Because... I was incredibly happy when we won, right?"
Even I can tell this isn't it, but my mouth—which has lost its brakes—is already speeding out of control.
"But why do I like this moment better?"
Why am I asking Jiu that, you idiot.
"...What?"
Jiu looks at me with wide round eyes. Jiu probably doesn't understand either. What I'm saying right now.
But what's even harder to understand is that Jiu, who until just now looked like a boy, suddenly started looking like a girl.
"..."
Jiu, seemingly unable to even think of joking anymore, couldn't say a word with her face bright red.