Episode 190: Secret -5
“Hey.”
“…Huh?”
“You got something to say?”
“Ah, no. Why?”
Glancing around.
While trying to gauge Jiu’s mood and needlessly circling nearby.
When Jiu suddenly glares and asks me, I play dumb and shake my head.
Then Jiu tilts their head and looks at me as if I’m strange.
“There isn’t?”
“…There isn’t.”
“Then why have you been checking my mood since earlier?”
“When did I…”
“You know you were. I can see you fidgeting restlessly like a dog that needs to take a dump.”
…A dog that needs to take a dump.
It’s not wrong, but that’s a bit harsh.
“You did something wrong, didn’t you? Tell me quick.”
“…I told you I didn’t.”
“If you’re going to say it, say it quick. I don’t know what it is, but if you get caught later, I won’t let it slide.”
Jiu disappears into the kitchen with a threat that isn’t quite a threat.
I lean back against the living room sofa and let out a sigh.
…Hmm.
My mouth just won’t open.
I don’t have the courage. The courage.
On the way back after finishing counseling with Matteo, I felt my steps grow lighter, yet at the same time I couldn’t help but fall deep into thought.
Having unloaded words I couldn’t say to anyone, my heart felt lighter, as if I’d just come back from the bathroom, but…
I was worried about how to do the homework Matteo gave me.
It was not easy homework.
He told me to try revealing one secret I hadn’t been able to tell until now.
To tell the truth, it’s not just one or two.
Whether because I was embarrassed, didn’t feel the need to say it, or didn’t even know my own heart.
Regardless of the reason, there are more than one or two secrets I couldn’t tell Jiu.
For example, well… was it in elementary school?
When Jiu wasn’t at their seat, some boy left chocolate and a note on Jiu’s desk, so I secretly put them in my bag and pretended not to know.
It wasn’t some petty jealousy or anything; that boy was a really nasty kid, so I’d thought Jiu shouldn’t get involved.
And also, well… was it during the physical education assessment?
Since I was in the soccer club, the teacher had me record the measurements, and I secretly wrote down higher numbers for Jiu.
If Jiu did five push-ups, I wrote seven. If Jiu did six sit-ups, I wrote eight.
The funny thing about Jiu was that they didn’t even know how many they did, and later just happily said they got a Level 1.
Well, they’re all things like this.
Small, trivial things.
Except for the lie that I was adjusting well after coming to Italy, they’re all nothing special.
But do I really have to say these things?
Since Matteo told me to try, I’ve been thinking about it, but what good does telling a secret do?
To begin with, they’re too trivial to even be called secrets.
“…”
…Hmm.
But thinking about it the other way, I also wonder why I can’t say them even though they’re so trivial.
I could just laugh it off, saying, oh, something like that happened back then.
Yet it’s hard to say it readily, as if it’s some great secret.
Matteo’s words suddenly come to mind again.
Did he say I was too strict with myself?
Well, I have felt that way once before.
That the person who expected the most from me wasn’t anyone else, but me.
That there is no one who expected as much from me as I did.
The more time passes, the more I realize I’m really greedy.
I thought I was someone with no greed whatsoever, but I wasn’t.
When you think about it, I was someone who wanted to be perfect.
What greater greed is there than that?
…Where in the world is there a perfect person?
Ah, of course there might be somewhere.
It’s just that it won’t be me.
Then when did I become so greedy?
Was I like that from birth?
Or did I become that way as I grew?
I don’t really know.
But one thing is certain: I’ve been like that since I was quite young.
At least since as far back as I can remember.
Maybe even since before I had memories.
I think I always wanted to be a perfect son. In every aspect.
It just got worse after I started soccer; I was like that even before.
Not simply because I was afraid of getting scolded, but when Mom and Dad looked at me.
I think I just wanted to look like I had no problems at all.
That’s why I lied a lot and acted a lot.
Pretending it was fine when I didn’t want to do it, pretending nothing was wrong when it was hard.
Is that why?
They say habits formed at three last until eighty; I guess I had a talent for lying and acting since then.
Maybe that’s also why I particularly can’t stand being embarrassed.
Well, embarrassment is an emotion anyone would dislike.
But when I look at myself reflected in the people around me, I’m at a serious level, to the point of being pathological.
Yeah.
Maybe this is really an illness.
Matteo’s words come to mind again.
To love myself, I first have to admit that I’m not a great person.
Do I love myself?
…My head shakes.
I don’t particularly seem to love myself.
No, rather than love, I often really hate myself.
If so, then according to Matteo, I must have been deluding myself into thinking I’m a great being.
Not being a great being, yet deluding myself that I am.
Every time I feel that I’m ordinary, my fondness for myself drops away.
“…”
Honestly, I can’t say I don’t also think, do I really have to…
Do I really have to love myself?
But the one who suffers is me.
Of course I don’t want to suffer.
I want to be free too.
Illness grows the more you leave it alone.
You have to treat it early before it grows; pretending not to know won’t make it go away on its own.
If you turn away, it’ll just blow up later.
Come to think of it, that’s what I did.
What if I had said it was hard when it was hard, and said I didn’t want to do it when I didn’t?
Even if I gave up being the perfect son. Even if I became a hated son.
If I had been a bit more honest… maybe Dad wouldn’t have ended up alone.
It was the same after coming to Italy.
If I hadn’t pretended nothing was wrong, Dad wouldn’t have felt so guilty.
Maybe it’s the same even now.
If I don’t love myself, I might somehow endure it for now.
But later, the illness might grow beyond what I can endure.
Then it’ll burst with a bang.
I still want to be a soccer player for quite a long time.
I didn’t used to, but my thoughts have gradually changed.
Soccer, which once felt like homework and something scary, sometimes feels like a fun game.
As Matteo said, it’s also nice to have the privilege of giving someone the painkiller called joy.
Even if I don’t really want to.
Maybe it’s time to do Matteo’s homework.
“…Hoo.”
Nodding, I sigh, get up from the sofa, and amble toward the kitchen.
A good smell has already been wafting since earlier.
Jiu is hard at work making something again.
“…Ahem.”
I cough idly while pouring water into a cup, and Jiu glances my way before focusing back on cooking and asking.
“Hey. So, when exactly does the season end?”
“The season? Our team ends on June 3rd. All the other teams finish by the 12th. Why?”
I answer while racking my memory, and Jiu shrugs.
“No, well. I’m graduating from school now. It’s a two-year program.”
“Yeah.”
“I think the graduation ceremony is on June 17th, so I was wondering if you could come if you’re not busy.”
“Ah, the graduation ceremony…”
“No, I mean, other kids have family coming and stuff. But I don’t have anyone coming. If you’re not busy, I mean, if you’re not busy. Of course you’ll be busy though.”
Hmm.
Actually, the season ending doesn’t mean I’ll have free time.
I have to do individual training, and this summer is when my existing contract ends.
I’ll definitely be incredibly busy.
“Mm. I don’t think I’ll be busy.”
But no matter how busy I am, if Jiu calls, I have to go.
Right now Jiu is serving two pitiful souls—me and my dad—who have terrible cooking skills.
If I have any shame, I should clear my schedule.
“Really? Well, it’d be nice if you come if you’re not busy.”
“I’ll mention it to Dad too.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
Pfft.
Watching Jiu’s back and the back of their head as they answer, the corners of my mouth rise.
Even while saying it like, if not, it can’t be helped.
I can tell from their back alone that Jiu is in a better mood, as if they’d secretly been hoping I would come.
“…”
Hmm.
Come to think of it, I came here to reveal a secret.
Talking about the graduation ceremony suddenly reminded me of elementary school graduation.
I mean our elementary school graduation.
“…Hey. Talking about the graduation ceremony suddenly reminded me of something.”
“Hmm?”
“Do you remember our elementary school graduation?”
“Elementary school graduation?”
“Yeah.”
Jiu didn’t turn around, but I nodded alone while racking my memory and spoke.
“Back then… ahem. I lied to you.”
When I worked up the courage to say it, Jiu finally turned around.
…Just look forward.
“What lie?”
“…You know, when we talked about our first-choice middle school.”
“Did we? I guess we did? So?”
Suddenly my whole body feels itchy.
Is revealing the truth this difficult?
It’s from years ago, and it’s not even a big deal, yet it is.
But right now, my desire to be free is greater.
I try hard to move my lips, which won’t easily open.
“Back then you said your first choice was Maeil Middle School.”
“Yeah. Mine was Maeil. Yours was Hwayeong Middle School?”
“…Yeah. I said I put Hwayeong as my first choice. But that… was a lie.”
…Whoa.
I spat it out.
Suddenly I want to scratch my head.
Jiu tilts their head and asks.
“What are you talking about?”
“My first choice was Maeil too.”
“Didn’t you say Maeil was your second choice? That’s why we thought it was amazing we ended up at the same middle school. But why would you lie about that?”
Yeah, why.
Why did I do it?
“…I didn’t want to be found out.”
“Found out about what?”
“…That I only had one friend. You.”
“…Huh?”
Hoo.
I let out a sigh and speak.
“I said I was going with another friend from the soccer club. That’s why I said I’d put Hwayeong as my first choice. That was a lie. I only had you as a friend, so I put Maeil. I was mortified, so I lied for no reason.”
…It’s more mortifying than embarrassing.
I want to say it with a nonchalant expression, as if talking about the past, but before I know it, my head hangs low.
Then Jiu’s laughter pierces into the back of my head.
“Puhaha! Oh my, was that it? Our Jian lied because you didn’t want to get caught having no friends? You wanted to follow me around but couldn’t say it?”
“…”
“Wow, but what can you do? I already knew everything.”
What is this now?
I raise my head to look at Jiu, and Jiu shrugs and laughs.
“Did you think I didn’t know? That you only had me as a friend? Who do you take me for, a fool?”
“…”
“Of course I was your only friend. As if you’d have any other friends. You only ever hung out with me.”
…Heh.
So Jiu knew. I don’t know if I should be happy or upset about this.
Somehow it’s mortifying, yet I feel relieved and in a good mood, but Jiu’s snickering laughter is really getting on my nerves.
“Oh my, so that’s how it was. Our Jian followed me all the way to middle school. Whew, whew. What would you have done without me?”
“…”
“Hey, since it came to this, be honest. What was so great about me that you followed me around everywhere?”
“…”
A surge of emotion welled up in my chest.
That tone and expression. It’s really pissing me off.
Do they think I can’t be honest?
I’ll change now too, thanks to Matteo.
Since I’ve worked up the courage once, it’s less of a big deal than I thought.
It’s just my face burning and feeling mortifying, nothing much.
“Huh? I said be honest. What was so great? Huh?”
I swallowed hard and answered.