Episode 189: Secret -4
A dazzling Monday afternoon with blinding sunshine.
The warmth that had fully settled in by now and the floral scent brushing the tip of my nose seemed to signal that the changing of the guard between April and May was imminent.
The air was as warm and drowsy as if laced with sleeping powder, and my body felt as heavy as lead. It was the kind of day where I wanted to lie in bed and sleep to my heart’s content, but I was dragging my weary body and heading somewhere.
[...A difficult match had been expected, and the actual flow of the game was similar, but Fiorentina secured a 2-0 victory thanks to Ri’s decisive goal...]
Inside a shop with its door wide open, listening to the voice flowing from the radio, the place I was heading to was the hospital where Mateo was admitted.
In my hand, I even held a lunchbox that I had asked Jiu to prepare.
It went without saying, but there were no cameras following me. I wasn’t going because the club had sent me; I was just going.
So I didn’t even know whether I would be able to get in. Since I was heading there without a word, I might get kicked out at the entrance.
Then why, all of a sudden, was I going to see Mateo again on this honey-sweet day off the day after the match? Well.
There was no particular reason; I suppose I just wanted to talk.
I simply wanted to have a conversation.
Come to think of it, that was rather strange.
It wasn’t like I had a friendly personality like Jiu, nor was I the type to easily make friends with someone I had just met.
I didn’t even like talking that much.
To think that I would take time out of my own schedule to go find someone just to talk.
And to a friend I had only seen once, at that.
But strangely, I felt like I wanted to talk more with Mateo.
It wasn’t necessarily because he was my fan, or because his heartbreaking story made me worry about him.
Of course, those things were part of it, but more than anything, I literally just wanted to talk.
It might have been a bit selfish, but I wanted to be comforted.
When we had met last time, Mateo had told me that I looked like I was having a hard time.
And it was the first time I had heard something like that.
I had heard plenty of people say they were jealous or envious of me, but never that I looked like I was struggling. Hearing that made me feel somehow... like my heart settled into place with a thud, light and free.
So I wanted to vent even more.
Somehow, if it was Mateo, even if I said I was having a hard time... I felt like he wouldn’t twist my words the wrong way.
Though of course, it might just be my own delusion.
Anyway, that was how it felt.
It was an odd thing to say, but it didn’t feel like I was going to meet a fan... it felt like I was going to receive counseling.
Not that I was expecting some kind of answer; it was more the feeling that I just wanted to unload my thoughts, but anyway.
“Ahem.”
Maybe because the weather was nice.
I felt good.
*
“...I’ll let you know before I come next time.”
“Ah, do whatever’s comfortable. Sorry. I was just so surprised earlier.”
I said, scratching my head, and Mateo waved his hand with a laugh.
Because I had shown up out of the blue without a word, the hospital had been in chaos.
From the staff at the reception desk to the nurses, everyone had been busily moving around because of me, and I felt so sorry.
Mateo seemed to have been just as surprised.
He had finally calmed down now, but earlier he had looked at me with an expression like he’d seen a ghost.
I was worried that I might have startled him too much when his health was already poor.
...I had shown up too recklessly.
“But... did you see?”
“Hmm? See what?”
“Yesterday’s match.”
“Ah, of course I saw it! It wasn’t an easy match. Honestly, I watched thinking it wouldn’t be strange if you lost, but it was really great. I think winning yesterday is really huge.”
When I brought up the match, Mateo’s expression brightened instantly.
The amazing thing was, I had felt it back then too.
He was someone who usually wore a smile, but there was still an inevitable gauntness to him.
Yet when he talked about soccer, that feeling disappeared.
His bright face was nice to see.
“...The celebration?”
“Of course I saw it. Hehe.”
When I mentioned the celebration, his face bloomed even wider.
He smiled so brightly that I wondered how he could smile like that, and I ended up bursting into laughter too.
What would I have done if I hadn’t scored?
I’m glad I scored.
Seeing him rejoice so purely, I suddenly even thought that I was glad I had become a soccer player.
“Thank you. For remembering that and doing that celebration for me.”
“...I’m not that much of an idiot. Of course I had to remember.”
“No, that’s not what I mean. Haha. I’m just a nobody fan, so I’m thankful, that’s all. No, actually, there’s something I wanted to ask.”
When I told him to ask anything, Mateo scratched his head.
“Just being able to meet you that time was like a miracle to me. And doing that celebration for me was also something unbelievable. Those things alone were already unbelievable, but today you even kept your promise to see me again.”
“Yeah.”
“Why are you going this far for me? I’m so grateful, but I feel sorry because cheering is all I can do for you. Haha.”
Cheering. As if that’s not everything.
I was about to shake my head, but I suddenly saw something to refute and decided to point it out.
“There’s more you can do.”
“...Me?”
“Yeah. That’s why I came to ask you a favor.”
Mateo’s eyes went wide.
“What is it?”
“Well, it’s nothing big... I just wanted you to be someone I can talk with.”
“A talking companion?”
I nodded at Mateo’s question, and Mateo tilted his head.
“Don’t you have any friends?”
“...Is it that obvious?”
“Ah, no. It’s not that. It’s just because you said you wanted a talking companion.”
...He just stabbed me with a knife out of nowhere.
I had no choice but to admit it.
“The only person I can call a really close friend... is just one.”
“Oh, well at least you have one. Then that’s fine, that’s fine!”
“...You don’t need to force yourself to comfort me. I’m fine.”
“Yeah... got it.”
Mateo scratched his head as if apologizing, and I couldn’t help but let out a chuckle.
Right.
Maybe this attitude was why Mateo felt rather comfortable.
He didn’t just praise me endlessly because I was a fan... how should I put it.
He could tease me like this, meaning he also saw me as just one ordinary friend.
I had sensed it last time when I was being overly cautious and he joked first about whether I wasn’t jealous of him just lying in bed.
Mateo is a friend with tremendous self-esteem.
That was probably why I felt he wouldn’t twist my words.
He was the exact opposite kind of friend from me.
“But if you have even one, shouldn’t you talk to that friend? Why me?”
I scratched my head at Mateo’s question this time.
“That friend... yeah. She really is a close friend, but there are things that are hard to bring up with her.”
“Things that are hard to bring up?”
Hmm.
Jiu was the person I had conversed with the most in my entire life.
But there were actually many things I had never said to Jiu.
“...Showing weakness.”
The lies I told Jiu.
Why had I lied in the first place?
It was because I couldn’t bear to show weakness.
Mateo looked at me deeply and grinned.
“It’s your girlfriend, isn’t it?”
“...”
“Am I right?”
“She is a girl, and she is a friend. But she’s not my girlfriend.”
“Aah, then that makes even more sense. She’s a fish you haven’t caught yet. So you can’t show her any weakness.”
...Hmm.
It seemed like it would take too long to refute everything, so I decided to just let it slide.
“You think you can unload on me?”
“Well... if you’ll listen?”
“Of course I can listen as much as you want. Alright. I’ll counsel you. Tell me whatever’s bothering you.”
Mateo thumped his chest and nodded.
This wasn’t a relationship between a fan and a soccer player.
From now on, it was a relationship between counselor and client.
“What’s your current worry?”
My current worry.
“...Hmm. That it’s hard, but I can’t say it’s hard?”
“Why? Why can’t you?”
Well.
Why couldn’t I?
“...Because I have too much to be grateful for.”
“What do you mean?”
I organized my thoughts a bit, then let out my true feelings with a sigh.
“I mean, I’m grateful for everything. The fans cheering for me, the people helping me up close. It’s not like I’m anyone special, but anyway, I received a lot of help to get this far.”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks to them, I can play soccer better today than yesterday, I can earn money, and I can become someone’s hope. Isn’t it natural to be grateful?”
“It is.”
A life where each day was something to be grateful for.
“But separate from being grateful... there are hard things too.”
Mateo nodded.
Emboldened by this, I spat out my pent-up feelings.
“But saying it’s hard feels too shameless. And I’m not the only one having a hard time. Even the hardship itself is something to be grateful for.”
“Yeah.”
“So I held it in. And because of that, it felt like it was piling up little by little. I’m enduring it because it’s bearable, but maybe that’s why it feels harder. It definitely is bearable. If I can endure it, why does it feel this hard? I feel like such an idiot.”
It was a strange thing.
The words flowed out effortlessly.
These were things I hadn’t even said to my dad.
Mateo had a strange magic about him.
“Hmm, I see.”
Mateo nodded.
Then, after seeming to think about something for a moment, he spoke.
“You seem too hard on yourself.”
...Is that so.
I wasn’t sure.
Mateo said with a face full of certainty.
“That’s how it looks to me. I think you’re the one tormenting yourself the most.”
“...”
“Want to try talking about it?”
“...About what?”
“Brag about yourself. A brag about you.”
...Out of nowhere?
That was a bit... difficult.
My mouth wouldn’t open even more than when I had to pour out my hardships.
“Look at you. How amazing you are. You don’t seem to know that.”
“...”
“You don’t seem to like yourself. That’s not very good. I know it well. Do you know how?”
I shook my head at Mateo’s question, and Mateo rummaged through the drawer beside his bed.
What he took out was a photo of a handsome boy with blond hair.
“Who’s this?”
“...You don’t know?”
“It’s me. Totally different from now, right? It’s only from two years ago.”
Surprised, I shook my head unconsciously.
He was a completely different person; I hadn’t noticed at all.
“Compared to back then, my face now is completely unsightly. I have no hair at all, and I’m so emaciated I’m practically a skeleton.”
“...”
“So I wanted to die. But I couldn’t because of Mom and Dad. I tried to find a way, and I realized there was nothing to do but to love even this version of me.”
Mateo put the photo back in and spoke with a smile.
“Of course it was hard. Loving myself, who could do nothing but lie in bed receiving treatment. But I took it step by step, and it worked. What I did was, I just started by blindly praising myself.”
“...”
“When I opened my eyes in the morning, I praised myself for surviving another day. When a painful treatment ended, I praised myself for enduring it well. When I forced myself to do it like that, it worked. So now? I’m at ease. It’s my body that hurts, not my heart.”
It seemed that way.
Outwardly, it was just that he looked like it, but Mateo didn’t feel like a sick person.
“But to come to love myself like that, there’s something you have to do first.”
“...What is it?”
“Admitting that I’m not an amazing person. Very paradoxical, isn’t it?”
“...Yeah.”
“But that’s how it was for me. When I drastically lowered my standards for myself, even trivial things became things I could praise myself for. So rather, I started to become proud of myself. I started to feel like I was amazing.”
It was hard to perfectly understand what he meant.
But the important thing was, it sounded quite plausible.
“Can I call you Jian?”
“Yeah.”
“Jian. I’ll give you some homework.”
“...Homework?”
Mateo nodded with a smile.
“That girlfriend of yours earlier—I mean, that friend who is your closest female friend.”
“...Yeah.”
“Go to her and reveal just one secret. Just one thing you haven’t been able to say until now.”
“A secret...?”
“Yeah. Then something really amazing will happen. I guarantee it.”
As if telling me to believe him, Mateo thumped his chest and spoke.
I didn’t know why, but that sight looked so reliable that I nodded my head unconsciously.