Chapter 93. Do you know how truly awful you are?
2023.12.02.
Barely managing to open her eyes, Blair blinked slowly. Her hazy vision gradually cleared, and the memories from before she lost consciousness slowly returned as well.
She had accidentally overheard a conversation between Herdin and Ruth at the Founding Day banquet, and upon returning to the ducal estate, she had argued with Herdin. Then, she had shaken him off and turned to leave the bedroom, and after that…….
Blair's heart dropped as she recalled up to that point. Her trembling hands instinctively wrapped around her lower abdomen.
"My baby, my baby……."
She shouldn't overexert herself in the early stages of pregnancy. No matter how angry she was, she should have held back for the sake of the child in her womb…….
Everything since returning to the past had been for that child. If something had happened to Asiel, she felt like she wouldn't be able to endure it anymore.
Just as Blair was anxiously worrying that something might be wrong with the baby in her womb, a cold voice sounded from beside her.
"The child is safe."
Turning her head, she saw Herdin's face, looking at her with cold eyes. Blair's pupils shook violently as she met his gaze.
Since she had collapsed suddenly, he must have called the attending physician to examine her.
And what he might have heard from the physician after the examination could be guessed just from his words a moment ago.
In the end, he had found out about her pregnancy.
Blair sat up and backed away. With one hand still covering her lower abdomen, her large eyes were filled with intense wariness toward him.
It was as if she was trying to protect the child in her womb from him.
Herdin's lips twisted at the sight.
It was laughable that she was trying to protect the child from him, of all people—the child's father.
So, this woman truly only thought of running away from him. In the future she envisioned, he did not exist even once.
Even after spending countless nights with him, and now carrying his child in her womb.
The assumption that she would naturally stay by his side if she got pregnant was wrong from the very premise.
That fact scraped at his heart.
Herdin tilted his head slightly and opened his mouth.
"Judging by your reaction, it seems you already knew you were pregnant."
"……."
"Since when have you been hiding it?"
"……."
"Exactly since when did you have this cute little idea of divorcing me while carrying my child?"
"……My child."
Trembling violently, the best she could say was a claim of ownership over the child.
Herdin looked at her flat stomach, hidden beneath the blankets and her small, slender hands, and replied indifferently.
"And it is also my child."
"No, it's not!"
Blair refuted his words as if erupting in indignation.
It was my child whom you had turned away from. My pitiful baby who grew up without a father's love.
Only I loved this child, and thus, throughout two lifetimes, they became my everything. No matter what anyone said, Asiel was rightfully my child.
"Then did you make that child on your own?"
"……This child is, Mikhail's……."
Before Blair's clumsy lie could even finish, Herdin cupped her cheek and locked eyes with her. The blue eyes staring back at her were colder than ever.
"If you're going to lie, at least make it believable."
"……."
"After rolling around with me day and night like that, you're saying the thing in your belly is some other bastard's? And you expect me to believe that?"
"But the pills……."
Blair, who was about to retort to his words, faltered.
He must have known that she had been taking her contraceptives faithfully. Yet, his reaction right now wasn't so much surprise at her getting pregnant, but rather as if it was a matter of course.
No, actually…… it looked as if he had been waiting for this news.
The moment she realized that, the words he had said during their argument before she collapsed came to mind.
His words that he needed her for the negotiation with Ivan.
At the same time, a chilling assumption crossed her mind.
"Don't tell me…… you knew? That I would get pregnant."
Blair's voice trembled as she asked.
Please, let it not be what she was thinking.
Let it not be that both she and this child were placed on that negotiating table.
However, the answer that came from his mouth after a brief silence drove Blair into despair.
"Yes. Because I was waiting for it."
Faced with his calm answer, which didn't even show a hint of trying to hide it, Blair lost her words.
It was a pregnancy she had desperately wanted.
In her past life, it was because she loved him, and in this life, it was solely to meet that child, Asiel, again.
But to him, who sought to use her, her will hadn't been necessary from the start. If it was to achieve his own goal.
'In the end, whether in the past life or this one, you'll do anything to use me.'
The fact that he wouldn't have hesitated to bring her to her knees made her skin crawl and her teeth chatter.
The absurdity of the situation made her laugh out loud. Or perhaps, it sounded more like a sob.
"……Do you know how truly awful you are?"
At this moment, he became so unfamiliar.
He felt like a different person from the man who once climbed the clock tower with her, who put roasted marshmallows in her mouth.
The sense of disparity suffocated her, and a wave of nausea surged up.
"Ugh……."
Unable to hold back the surging nausea any longer, Blair covered her mouth with her hand.
Since her stomach was empty, nothing came up, but once the dry heaving started, it wouldn't easily stop.
"Blair."
As Herdin reached out to check on her condition, Blair sharply slapped his hand away.
"Don't touch me!"
Blair turned her back to him and swallowed her revulsion. Her whole body tensed, reflexively bringing tears to her eyes, and her energy drained away.
Only after throwing up nothing but air for a long while did her stomach finally settle.
She wanted to collapse on the bed and rest right then and there, but she utterly despised being in the same space as this strange man who resembled her husband.
She hated herself for wanting to lean on him, using her weakened body as an excuse even at this moment.
Blair forcefully raised her weakened, trembling body and escaped the bed. Her slender figure looked precarious, as if she might collapse at any moment.
Noticing that Blair was trying to leave the room, Herdin sighed and approached her.
"Blair, come here and lie down."
But Blair didn't even pretend to hear his words. Her pale feet heading out of the bedroom didn't even have indoor slippers on them.
"You need to rest right now."
Herdin approached to turn Blair around and pulled her into an embrace. At that, Blair thrashed about frantically, trying to break free from his arms.
"No! Let go of me!"
His infuriated wife's fists pounded mercilessly against his chest, but there was no strength in those hands. So much so that one might think her hands would hurt more instead.
In the end, Herdin let Blair go as if he couldn't win against her.
Freed from his embrace, Blair left the room as if fleeing. However, she stopped in her tracks the moment she faced the dark hallway.
She couldn't escape from his mansion anyway. There was nowhere here where she could fully let her guard down and rest.
She had vowed not to repeat her past life, but in the end, nothing had changed.
She only realized the fact that no matter how much she struggled, she was still pathetically naive and powerless.
That fact made her laugh.
"……I'm such a fool."
The boundless darkness heavily pressed down on her, who had nowhere to go.
* * *
At the hour when the dim light of dawn began to seep into the deep darkness, the door to the room where Pipi stayed opened soundlessly.
Pipi, who had been sleeping curled up inside a hollowed-out log placed in one corner of the room, leaped out upon hearing the noise, even in his sleep.
"Pii?"
The person who entered the room was Herdin.
Pipi looked around, perhaps thinking he had come to play with him, but Herdin ignored the small beast and headed for the sofa placed on one side of the room.
Blair was sleeping on the sofa, which had become tattered from Pipi's gnawing. Curled up, her already small and frail figure looked even smaller.
Herdin approached her with silenced footsteps and stared blankly at her sleeping figure. On her long eyelashes lingered tears that hadn't yet dried.
The place she had fled to from him was merely here. A place just a few steps away from the bedroom.
No matter how much she struggled, she couldn't escape his domain. That fact, which was terrible to Blair, brought him a sense of relief.
His wife, who had always quietly stayed by his side, now only reluctantly allowed him near her when she was asleep, but Herdin did not regret his choice.
Even if I were to return to the past countless times, I would make the same choice to keep you by my side.
And for Blair as well, staying by his side would be a much more rational and better choice.
It was better than eloping with a man so incompetent that he would stand by and watch her become another man's contract wife, only to be caught and spend the rest of her life in disgrace.
Herdin watched the sleeping Blair for a moment, then carefully scooped her up in his arms. For a body carrying two lives, she was far too light.
"Mmm……."
Perhaps sensing his presence, Blair let out a groan, but fortunately, she didn't open her eyes. It seemed to be because she had spent an exhausting day with a body that was no longer just her own.
Herdin quietly left the room carrying Blair. Without a single glance at Pipi, who was hovering at his feet.
* * *
The next day, when Blair woke up, she was in the bed.
Herdin must have moved her there while she was asleep. Fortunately, he wasn't beside her.
Blair lay with her heavily sinking body and stared blankly at the scenery outside the balcony window. As her vision became clearer, so did her thoughts.
She had acted somewhat emotionally the night before, but as her feelings calmed down, her mind began to think rationally again.
Herdin had no intention of divorcing her.
And she had no intention of repeating her past life by his side.
If so, there was only one conclusion.
'Let's leave.'