Chapter 132. Unconveyed True Feelings
2024.01.10.
"Did I perhaps do something wrong? If I'm at fault, I'll fix it."
At Blair's question, who didn't know the circumstances, Herdin laughed hollowly without being able to answer.
The fault was not hers, but his.
The sin of loving her. The sin of consequently entangling her in dark magic.
"……No."
"If something is going on, please tell me honestly. I'm your wife."
Blair asked desperately with tearful eyes. Yet even that sight was so lovely that, paradoxically, he couldn't tell her the truth.
He couldn't make her tremble with anxiety by telling her that she could get caught up in his rampage.
"Nothing is wrong."
Herdin answered thus and cupped her cheeks. Then he brought his face close to hers as if to kiss her and met her eyes.
In those lovely violet eyes, his reflection was there as it always had been.
"Herdin?"
"……It's okay."
I will definitely save you. I will solve every problem and return to your side again.
"Everything will be alright."
It was words spoken to her, and at the same time, a promise he made to himself.
Herdin kissed her, turning away from her eyes that desperately wanted an answer. Then her sweet body fragrance washed over him along with the lingering effects of alcohol.
His desire, which had long craved that warmth and scent, flared uncontrollably from just a single kiss.
Swept away by emotion, he held Blair urgently without even removing their clothes.
"Mmh, Herdin……."
Blair, who accepted him before her body was properly prepared, struggled but still embraced Herdin.
That small warmth, that tiny gesture of her desperately craving him just as he craved her, drove him mad.
After reaching climax once, Herdin belatedly tried to regain his senses and pull away from her, but Blair grabbed him. She wrapped her slender arms around his back and kissed him.
At her desperate actions trying to hold onto him by any means, the reason he had barely reclaimed snapped completely.
Herdin explored Blair all through the night.
He left his marks all over that white skin, endlessly filling her with his heat. Again and again persistently, as if engraving her into his memory.
Even knowing that being by her side would put her in danger, even knowing that once this night passed he would have to distance her from himself again, for that moment alone he absolutely could not stop.
He came to his senses at dawn the next day, after waking from sleep.
Seeing Blair asleep in his arms, Herdin regretted his impulsive actions from the previous night.
Until this problem was resolved, he would have to keep Blair at a distance, and since he couldn't tell her the reason, he shouldn't have given in to emotion like this.
Yet even as he thought that, he found it laughable how he still didn't want to pull away from her.
Having barely composed his feelings, Herdin rose before Blair woke. Because if she opened her eyes and looked at him, he felt he might pretend to be mad and stay by her side.
But the moment he rose from the bed, Blair opened her eyes. While Herdin froze as their eyes met, Blair blinked away her sleepiness and grabbed his hand, asking.
"……Are you very busy today too?"
When Herdin didn't answer, Blair leaned her face against his captured hand and asked more directly.
"If you're not busy, could you stay with me just a little longer?"
Those eyes craving his love, the warmth of her hand desperately holding on lest he leave, were sorrowful.
Herdin barely swallowed his feelings and withdrew his hand from her grasp. Then he pulled the blanket over her slender shoulders exposed outside the covers and spoke in a voice that feigned indifference.
"Sleep a little more."
The moment he turned away, those pitifully trembling eyes remained as an afterimage in his heart for a long time.
* * *
After that, Herdin kept his distance from Blair again and looked into more accurate information about dark magic. With only the single determination to reclaim his daily life with her.
However, he only learned the basic information that to undo the spell, the caster of the magic had to be killed. He discovered no other method, nor could he find the caster of the dark magic. Furthermore, he now had nightmares even when Blair wasn't beside him.
As time passed without any progress for a long while, his resolve to solve this problem and return to her side began to waver.
Only then did Herdin doubt his choice for the first time.
Should he have rather told you the truth and let you go.
Then one day, unexpected news came from Mason, who had come looking for him urgently.
"Your Excellency, the madam…… has collapsed."
They said Blair had called a hypnotist and attempted hypnosis, then fainted.
When Herdin rushed to check on her upon hearing the news, fortunately Blair had already regained consciousness. But upon hearing the attending physician's words, her face showed unmistakable signs of distress.
Could it be a serious illness.
The moment his heart sank at an ominous premonition, the attending physician spoke in a thoroughly excited voice.
"Congratulations, Your Excellency. The madam is with child."
The attending physician discreetly left to give the couple their joyful moment, and only the two remained in the room.
Herdin stared blankly at Blair and her belly that didn't yet show at the unexpected news.
Inside her belly, a child resembling both him and her was growing.
Having spent countless nights with her, he had vaguely thought they would become parents in the near future. And he had believed without doubt that a child resembling them both would make her and him even happier.
Yet he couldn't simply rejoice even upon hearing the news he had been waiting for.
Why of all times.
Why now, when I can't even be by your side.
Though it was a situation that warranted joy, worry came first. The anxiety that perhaps this child too might suffer the same terrible fate as him took precedence.
At the same time, fury rose within him at the current situation that had driven her—carrying a child—to attempt hypnosis, and at his own powerlessness. Unable to fully suppress that anger, it burst in a harsh direction.
"Why on earth did you attempt hypnosis?"
Blair, who had been about to speak of the child first, flustered at his sharp tone, then answered as if making excuses.
"I know you're investigating the truth about the empress palace fire incident from ten years ago. I wanted to help you, so……."
Herdin smiled bitterly upon hearing Blair's words.
It seemed someone had told her he was investigating the empress palace fire incident.
She must have heard that story and tried to forcibly recall the memories she feared so much.
Thinking that would change his heart. Desperately trying to hold onto his distancing heart even by doing so.
When he guessed what feelings had driven her to attempt hypnosis, his throat tightened.
More than the fact that she had learned he was investigating the empress palace incident, the thought that he had to ensure she would never dare do such a dangerous thing again came first.
"You ignored it for ten years, and now you're feeling guilty?"
"……."
"Don't do anything anymore. Just, stay still. Like you have all this time."
Blair cried sorrowfully for the first time.
She had never cried in front of him even when making tearful expressions, but that day she couldn't hide her tears. That sight was quite pitiful.
He wanted to hold her.
He wanted to console her, saying that none of that mattered anymore, that nothing was more precious to him than her.
But he couldn't give in to momentary emotion and put her in danger.
If everything went wrong, he had to consider even the possibility of severing her feelings toward him.
Leaving Blair in tears behind, Herdin stepped out of the room and collapsed right there the moment he closed the door.
Only then did he remember that he had never once told her he loved her.
The true feelings he failed to convey returned as a dagger and pierced his heart.
Facing the cruel reality, a laugh like a sob slipped from his clenched teeth.
* * *
Some time after that, Herdin headed to the Delmark main estate where more records of ancestors remained.
Leaving Blair, carrying his child, alone.
* * *
Even in the pain as if he had torn out his heart and left it behind, time flowed swiftly.
From the summer he left Blair's side through autumn, and into winter, the investigation into dark magic made little progress.
Herdin now wished rather that Blair would hate and resent him. Thinking it would be acceptable if only he could sever the shackles of this terrible power, if only she could be safe from him.
Even if she no longer loved him, he would love her forever, and that alone would be enough.
But her feelings toward him were not severed. Just like her letters that arrived every week.
[Herdin, a few days ago the baby moved for the first time. Actually, it wasn't the first time—they kept greeting me, but I only just noticed.
They say the baby can now hear Mom and Dad's voices too. It would be nice if you could also greet the baby…….]
[Herdin, the wind has gotten very cold. I heard the north is even colder, are you doing well?
Our baby is growing well. Recently the movements have become very active. Hmm, this is just my thought, but the kicking is so vigorous, I think it must be a son who takes after you. Though a daughter would be fine too of course. You…….]
While hoping her love for him would be severed, he rejoiced like a fool whenever he received a letter. At the same time, his heart ached with the replies he couldn't send.
He missed her, wanted to hold her.
He wanted to stroke her belly that must have grown much and greet the child.
Then one day, news arrived that he had to go down to the capital.
"Your Excellency, the true culprit of the empress palace fire incident…… appears to be the Empress Dowager."