Chapter 126. So Viciously Cruel
2024.01.04.
At Herdin's unexpected confession, Blair's pupils shook violently, but it was only for a fleeting moment. Soon, her eyes contorted in pain.
The words she had so desperately yearned to hear were, paradoxically, picking at her unhealed wounds of the past.
The words, "I love you."
They were words she had heard from him in her past life as well.
Even in her past life, he had looked at her with tender eyes, held her softly, and whispered. That he loved her.
Whether that tenderness, that warmth, those words were all lies, or whether they were sincere even for a fleeting moment, she did not know.
However, even if they were sincere, she knew better than anyone how futile it all was. The undeniable proof of that was herself.
Having turned back time, her very existence standing right here.
Of course, she knew that her intervention had changed many things in a different direction from the past.
'But do feelings change as well?'
Even after experiencing her past life and being hurt once again, her feelings for him had not changed.
She couldn't handle the emotions that grew uncontrollably, even when she turned away, denied them, and suppressed them.
Would you be any different?
Acknowledging my feelings meant, sadly, abandoning that much trust and expectation for you.
She didn't have the confidence to watch him change once more. Nor did she have the courage to believe in him again, holding onto the hope that this time might be different.
Because those expectations had already been shattered time and time again.
And even after all that, I couldn't let you go.
If those expectations were shattered once more, beyond hating him, I felt I would find my own foolish self so dreadful that I couldn't bear it.
Thus, the answer to his confession was already set.
From the very moment she opened her eyes after returning to the past.
"I'm sorry."
As she said that, Blair's eyes and voice were calm, without a single tremor.
That fact drove Herdin mad. Even though it was the reaction he had expected, he couldn't accept it.
"...Do you really love that bastard?"
"Mihail has nothing to do with this."
Blair drew a firm line.
Herdin desperately sought another reason. A reason why she couldn't love him.
At that moment, the face of Miela, who had approached him earlier, came to mind.
And the fact that the reason he had felt uncomfortable around her was because of a story he had once heard from Blair.
"Or is it because of that woman? Because of that future, or whatever that premonition was?"
He still didn't believe those words.
Because leaving her to love another woman was an absurd notion from the start.
However, the fact that Blair believed in that future was something he couldn't change with his own power. If he could, he would have erased the version of himself from the future she claimed to have seen.
"It could be different from the future you saw."
"Herdin."
"I could, love you."
"Don't try to find reasons in other people. This is a matter of my own feelings."
At those words, Herdin finally faced the truth he hadn't wanted to admit.
Just as Blair had said, the important thing wasn't others, but her feelings.
Because he couldn't accept the fact that it wasn't that she couldn't love him, but that she didn't love him.
Herdin's hand gripping Blair's arm grew tighter. He knew he should let go now, but his mouth moved on its own.
"Why can't it be me?"
"......"
"I'm your husband."
As his eyes searched for a reason why Blair should love him, they fell upon her swollen belly.
"That's our child."
"......"
"Isn't that enough of a reason to love me?"
Looking at his desperation, Blair smiled bitterly.
The more desperately he showed his sincerity, the more the memories of her past life surfaced like a nightmare. The sight of him turning away from her, and the sight of him being tender.
Now, she wanted it to stop.
"Because marriage and building a family don't necessarily require feelings."
The words he had once thrown out carelessly to keep Blair by his side came back and pierced Herdin's chest. That spot throbbed.
At the same time, a belated question suddenly crossed his mind.
Did my words hurt you too?
No, since you didn't love me, perhaps it didn't bother you at all.
I hoped my words hadn't hurt you, but in the end, I came to wish that my words had hurt you too.
As he was having such senseless thoughts, Blair grabbed Herdin's hand that was holding her arm.
Blankly staring into her tranquil eyes, which held neither excitement, panic, nor resentment, Herdin finally let go of her arm.
"I'll go in first."
Blair released his detached hand and turned away just like that.
A hollow laugh burst from Herdin's mouth as he watched her retreating figure.
The night breeze brushing against his hand, which had lost her warmth, was bitter.
* * *
Ruth, who had been organizing documents and materials late into the night, finished his shower late and stepped out of the bathroom.
On his way back to his room, he heard the maids talking. Perhaps because it was a quiet night, their whispering voices rang particularly loud.
Ruth, who had been about to pass by absentmindedly, saw the maids' serious expressions and approached them.
"Is something the matter?"
"Ah, Sir Ruth. Well... Perhaps it's because of the changing seasons, but the Madam has been coughing occasionally, and she told us not to light the fireplace. If she catches a cold like that, it will be hard for her since she can't even take medicine."
"Ah..."
Ruth finally realized why the maids were speaking so seriously.
The fact that Blair suffered from pyrophobia was known only to Lina, Melly, and Mason among the servants of the ducal estate.
Because the Duchess's weakness would soon become Herdin's weakness.
For them, who didn't know the truth, it was only natural to worry that Blair might fall seriously ill, and that the fallout might splash onto them.
"Has His Grace not retired to the bedroom yet?"
"No, not yet."
Given the time, Herdin would normally have retired to the bedroom as well.
'Still, he always slept in the bedroom.'
Right after finding and bringing Blair back from Nerha, their relationship didn't look great, but they still always slept together.
'Since he roughly handled the urgent work before coming to Nerha, there shouldn't be any pressing business that requires reviewing late into the night.'
Feeling puzzled, Ruth decided to reassure the maids for now.
"I will inform the Duke, so for now, follow the Madam's orders."
"Understood."
After parting ways with the maids, Ruth went to Herdin's office. He knocked and waited, but no answer came from inside.
'Is he not in the office?'
Thinking that, Ruth tilted his head, recalling that Herdin had returned from the banquet about an hour ago.
It didn't seem like Herdin would be anywhere other than his office or bedroom at this hour.
After waiting a little longer, Ruth carefully opened the office door. At the same time, the strong smell of cigar smoke pierced his lungs.
"Cough..."
Stepping into the office with a reflexive cough, he saw a familiar silhouette in the dark room where moonlight seeped in.
Herdin was smoking a cigar in that darkness. He must have smoked a lot, as the office was hazy with smoke.
Ruth, about to nag him as usual, shut his mouth the moment he met Herdin's eyes. His eyes, quietly sunken in the darkness, were chilling.
While Ruth hesitated to speak, Herdin broke the silence first.
"What is it."
"Ah, it's nothing much... I was just wondering if you hadn't gone to bed yet. The Madam seems to have a cold, and she can't light the fireplace."
Herdin scoffed at those words. But it was only for a moment. As if it had never been there, the smile disappeared from his face.
His eyes, stripped of the smile, were still chilling, but at the same time, they looked somewhat desolate.
"Then... go to sleep."
Thinking it was a matter he couldn't interfere with, Ruth quietly left the office.
Roughly sweeping his bangs up and taking a final drag of his cigar, Herdin exhaled a breath like a sigh and crushed out the remaining cigar. Then, as if rinsing his mouth, he emptied his glass of whiskey and rose to head to the bedroom.
The room, having fallen asleep along with its master, was quiet.
Herdin placed logs into the fireplace, took out his lighter, and skillfully ignited it. The room, which had been wrapped in a cool chill, quickly warmed up from the heat of the fireplace.
Staring quietly at the blazing embers, Herdin let out a hollow laugh.
The sight of Blair, who pushed him away saying she hated him but had no choice but to rely on him, was laughable.
But what was even more laughable was his own appearance, acting as kindling for a woman who said she hated him.
His senseless laughter stopped the moment a small cough was heard from the bedroom.
As he approached the bed, he saw Blair fast asleep. With her belly heavily swollen, she couldn't sleep on her back, so she was asleep lying on her side, hugging a pillow.
He sat in the chair next to her and quietly observed her sleeping form, carefully brushing away the hair that slightly covered her face. Blair, whose coughing had subsided, looked incredibly peaceful in her sleep.
He felt resentful of her for saying she hated him even if she died, yet seeing that face made his heart pound again.
He wanted to see her, hold her, and kiss her.
The fact that he shouldn't harbor any expectations or emotions toward that warmth struck him anew as so viciously cruel.
"...Blair."
Herdin's hand, which had been reaching for Blair's, stopped just inches away. Unable to bring himself to touch her.
"Please, love me a little."
His low voice, sounding like both a hollow laugh and a sob, scattered into the darkness of the quiet night.