115.
Most of the memories of him that appeared before me were made up of similar scenes.
Ordinary moments with his family.
There, he was someone’s ordinary son, an older brother, and a person with a dream he wished to fulfill.
I wondered for a moment why the scenery felt so different from Zaka’s memories from beginning to end.
Before I knew it, I found Izanar’s back as he stood alone.
Looking at his long hair fluttering loose, I naturally realized.
That the memories from a moment ago, which had seemed nothing but peaceful, had now become a thorn-covered nightmare for him.
That the more he recalled them every moment, the more they had fallen into a darkness that left only grief behind.
And yet, that they were precious memories he could not help but recall.
I suddenly clenched my hand. My palm was damp with cold sweat.
I knew it instinctively.
As though it had been waiting, noise came crashing in right after.
I staggered, then sank down onto the floor.
I was speaking.
“I like you.”
I lifted my head.
With a cold expression, Prien Izanar was looking down at me.
And the voice of the me standing before him, whispering to him with a feverish face, reached my ears clearly.
“I like you, Izanar.”
Izanar stared fixedly at me without a word.
“But I do not like you.”
“I know that too!”
Though his voice was colder than ten thousand years of ice and snow, I wore an expression that showed I did not mind in the least.
‘You know that too? What on earth are you saying?’
In a daze, I continued staring at the two people facing each other.
“If you know, then please give up your feelings.”
“I thought I might, too. But it didn’t really work.”
“…….”
I was smiling at him calmly.
Izanar was still expressionless, but the way his mouth would not readily open made him seem, somehow, slightly flustered.
“I’m not telling you to like me back. I just wanted you to know. That’s all I want, and you won’t refuse even that much, will you?”
“…….”
“Because my liking you is beyond my control.”
“……No matter what you say, I cannot agree to let you accompany me.”
“That’s your freedom, of course, but you know this too, don’t you, Sir? We have the same destination.”
“…….”
“We’re going down the same road, to the same destination, for the same reason anyway. Isn’t this a little too harsh?”
Izanar let out a sigh and began to walk.
With a doubtful look, I asked again.
“You’re going to raid a heretic base too, aren’t you, Sir? Right?”
When no answer came back, my expression brightened, and I began walking after Izanar.
Sidling up beside him, I walked shoulder to shoulder and asked Izanar.
“But what is it about me that you don’t like? I think I’m quite decent, all things considered.”
“My conclusion was made regardless of such likes or dislikes.”
“Because you swore not to form close relationships with others?”
“…….”
“Does that mean, if it weren’t for that oath, I could interpret it as you would have been tempted by me?”
“Roxan. Be quiet.”
“I’m no different in that I don’t know when I might die. Since you won’t like me back, in a way…… I think I might feel relieved.”
“…….”
Izanar did not look back at me until the end.
But I could see him silently tightening his grip on the hilt of the scabbard hanging at his waist.
And though they had sunk deep, his eyes, always unchanging, faintly wavered as well.
Had we walked in silence like that for a long time?
Suddenly, Izanar opened his mouth.
“Was I good to you?”
“To be honest, well, not particularly?”
“…….”
“Are you asking why I just had to like you?”
As if pondering the answer, I was silent for a moment.
Then, as though something had suddenly occurred to me, I smiled.
“Because if someone were to be kind to me, I wanted it to be you?”
“…….”
“Mm, I suppose I’m curious about you being kind.”
I murmured softly, as though whispering lyrics to a song.
Izanar said nothing at all.
I stared blankly at the two people gradually moving farther away.
‘What on earth is this memory?’
I was confused.
Was this memory the past? Or the future?
Or was it “something not yet decided”?
Or else…….
* * *
My vision blurred and sharpened over and over again.
My head felt numb. I thought the light of the bracelet seemed exceptionally weak, but my thoughts did not continue any further from there.
I stared down at the crystal stone, split halfway open so that the inside was visible.
‘One last time.’
The moment I drove the sword down into that crack.
Sparks flew.
This time, noise drove itself straight into my mind.
Without even those memories that had seemed like short, severed fragments, the scene that began at once was utterly unfamiliar, and yet…….
* * *
At the somehow familiar feeling, I blinked.
This place was my mansion.
And Isitan was standing in front of it.
‘What is this?’
As if mocking the fact that, perhaps because the me who appeared in the memories felt unfamiliar, I had subconsciously been distinguishing her from my present self.
Though its exterior had grown old and shabby as though it had been abandoned for a long time, the residence where I had been born, raised, and lived until just recently had appeared before my eyes.
After standing fixed in front of it for a long while, Isitan finally set off.
He walked along the familiar streets of the imperial capital.
The streets were filled with an excited atmosphere.
At a street stall, he bought simple food one could hold and eat, and when people on the street happened to get into an argument and began shouting at the top of their lungs, he paused among the crowd for a moment to watch.
Then he handed a few copper coins to a boy in a beret running through the street and bought a newspaper.
The headline of the main article splashed across the front page came into view.
“At last, the war that has continued for eleven years reaches its final curtain.”
I stopped walking.
‘Eleven years?’
Not six?
I hurriedly followed after Isitan. But he had already skimmed the newspaper roughly once, then folded it in half.
With no other choice, I bent my upper body and tried hard to read the article in the newspaper held in his hand.
“Say, on a fine day like today, won’t you give flowers to your family?”
A very elderly old man called out to Isitan. When he turned around, the old man seemed to flinch for a moment, but he smiled gently and held out one of the bouquets he had made in advance.
“There’s no need to wear such a frightening expression anymore! Isn’t that so?”
Isitan stared quietly at the bouquet, then paid the old man and asked.
“What flowers are they?”
The old man narrowed his eyes for a moment at the unruffled informal speech, then soon answered softly.
“Red acacia flowers. That’s right, do you know? The meaning of these flowers is…….”
After rubbing his chin for a moment, the old man smiled.
“It is a hidden love. What do you think? Doesn’t it sound romantic?”
“Not really. Not particularly.”
Isitan’s expression as he replied was not the slightest bit different from before the conversation began.
At that wooden attitude, the old man’s smiling face finally clouded over, but Isitan, having already paid, turned away without any lingering attachment.
Isitan continued walking down the street, occasionally lowering his eyes as if to smell the fragrance of the flower.
But afterward, he would instead gaze past the people with an even emptier expression.
Before long, the sun had set, and lanterns were hung everywhere.
Feeling uneasy, I looked around.
Contrary to all the preparation I had braced myself for, this time I was nowhere to be seen.
The memories I had seen were gradually growing hazy, and impatience rose in me for fear I might miss something important.
When fireworks burst overhead, he stopped walking for a moment and looked up at the sky.
Without realizing it, I raised my head after him as well.
‘Why don’t I appear this time?’
Naturally, as the sun went down, the places that began doing a roaring trade were, without a doubt, the taverns.
“Come have a taste!”
“Order a snack, and you get a cup of wine for free!”
Amid the noisy music, the boisterous laughter, and the people on the street chatting and giggling with relaxed faces, someone stepped out and blocked Isitan’s path as he walked.
“A tasting is free, sir!”
Receiving the small cup filled with liquor, Isitan did not resist and swallowed a sip.
“How is it? Tastes good, doesn’t it? With the war ending this time, a lot of fine liquor from the north has come in!”
“Not really. Not particularly.”
Having once again clouded the tout’s face with his inflexible answer, Isitan placed the cup back on the tray and started walking again.
I had no idea where on earth he was trying to go, but I could not very well refuse to follow, so I quickened my steps.
‘A stroll? Is he just wandering aimlessly?’
He did not seem to have any schedule. He did not seem to have anything he wanted to do, nor anything he had to do.
……Instead, his gait became slightly unsteady.
It seemed certain that the Isitan in this memory was also weak to alcohol.
Perhaps because the lantern light had ended there, he sank heavily onto a bench in a deserted open space.
Just then, raindrops suddenly began to fall, one or two at a time.