[Episode 18] - Love Is Blindness and Deadly Poison
“The princess’s birthday is soon, yet that man who calls himself His Majesty will not even come out of his room, nor will he so much as give the princess a name. I truly do not know what my son, His Majesty, intends to do.”
Veins stood out on the pale back of the Queen Dowager’s hand as she gripped her wineglass. As though trying to soothe the turmoil boiling inside her with alcohol, the Queen Dowager did nothing but gulp down the liquor in her cup.
“If you keep drinking like that, you will ruin your stomach.”
“Since when did you care so much about my health that you would say such a thing?”
“You must remain healthy for as long as possible, Your Highness, so you may see the princess grow into a lovely young lady. The princess, too, would surely wish for you to live long and in good health.”
“......Tch. Do you think I will listen to you if you use the princess against me?”
Clack—
Contrary to her words, the Queen Dowager pushed the wineglass aside. I gave a small laugh at the sight, filled an empty glass with cold water, and placed it before her.
As though rinsing her mouth, the Queen Dowager gulped down the cold water I had brought her, then let out a weary sigh and turned her head slightly to glare at me.
“Why do you not simply give the princess her name?”
“...That joke goes too far. You know as well as I do, Your Highness. I am not so different from the princess.”
“...Yes, that joke did go too far.”
The Queen Dowager let out a long sigh and irritably chewed and swallowed the grapes set before her. To begin with, I could not give the princess a name. Vivian, too, had not been granted the surname of “Snow White.”
That did not mean the Queen Dowager could give the princess a name either. If the Queen Dowager ignored the king shut away in his room and gave the princess a name, the elders below would surely think this:
Her Highness the Queen Dowager intends to place the princess on the throne and become regent.
Her Highness the Queen Dowager has, in the end, given up on His Majesty, who remains shut away in his room.
Her Highness the Queen Dowager has judged His Majesty to be no different from a “dead man.”
Everyone would surely say so in unison.
The Queen Dowager must be refraining from naming the princess because of what would follow afterward. A princess who ascended the throne at such a young age could not possibly grow up properly.
...Now that I thought about it, I felt like storming into the room where the king was secluded right this instant, grabbing him by the hair, and dragging him out. How was every problem because of the king?
Perhaps the Queen Dowager felt much the same as I did, for she could do nothing but let out weary sighs. The ideal solution would be to bring the king out of his room within the remaining three months, but...
“You must have many complaints as well. It has already been two years since you married His Majesty, yet you have not even spent your ‘first night’ with him. Why does the law that says one must spend the ‘first night’ before being granted a surname even still remain?”
“Kgh, cough! Cough!”
At the Queen Dowager’s harassment, I choked on the water I had been drinking without realizing it.
Ah, I was truly glad the princess was not here. I knew Vivian had not even spent her “first night,” but it was not a story fit for the young princess to hear.
“Kgh, I no longer concern myself with such things, cough! Cough!”
“Is that so? Is that why you are acting as though you have become a different person? Has the wound you suffered when His Majesty did not come to you on your ‘first night’ healed now?”
“...I will leave that to Your Highness’s imagination.”
I lifted a handkerchief to wipe my mouth and swiftly turned my head away, avoiding the Queen Dowager’s smirking gaze. As though she found teasing me amusing, the Queen Dowager grinned and continued speaking.
“Yes, clinging forever to a man bound by the past would only wound you, so it is fortunate that you have let go of those feelings, even now.”
“......”
“A man bound by the past.” That was how the Queen Dowager described her own son. At that, the room I had seen earlier suddenly came to mind. The room that seemed as though the First Queen’s time had been cut away and preserved there.
...The more I learned about this place, the more I felt as if I were sinking into a labyrinth over whether the First Queen was dead or alive. The answer to this problem lay inside “that room” where the king had secluded himself, but...
As time passed, I began to feel that the room in which the king was said to be secluded was like “Pandora’s box,” something that should never be opened. Even if I opened that door, I felt as though I would not be able to bear what lay beyond it... a feeling like that.
But I could not simply leave the king as he was. The only person who could give the princess her name was His Majesty, shut away in his room, and now there were only about three months left until spring’s “main event.”
Within these three months, I had to meet the secluded king somehow.
For the princess, and for everyone else.
And to do that, first...
“Your Highness, there is something I wish to know.”
At my words, the Queen Dowager tilted her head and looked at me as if telling me to speak.
...To begin with, the only person who could tell me this was the Queen Dowager. Ainsel could not say anything about the First Queen, and the only person who would know this “truth” accurately and be able to tell me was likely the Queen Dowager.
“Can you tell me why the First Queen made that ‘choice’...?”
*
Tap, tap, tap.
After my question, a heavy silence settled over the banquet hall. The Queen Dowager tapped the table with her fingers, debating whether she ought to say this or not.
“...You must know the rumors about the Marchioness as well.”
“I am not foolish enough to believe the rumor that the First Queen made such a choice merely because of the Marchioness’s education, Your Highness.”
“It would have been better if you were a fool.”
After letting out a deep sigh, the Queen Dowager gulped down cold water as though to soothe herself. She glanced at me briefly, then sighed again and slowly began to open her heavy mouth.
“As you, who loved His Majesty, must know, love is both blindness and deadly poison.”
“...Pardon?”
“His Majesty, the former king’s only son and sole heir to the throne, had no choice but to bear those heavy expectations all by himself. From the mere age of five.”
The Queen Dowager reminisced about the past and slowly continued.
“I, too, had no leisure to give His Majesty love. Before I married His Late Majesty, Her Highness the Queen Dowager at the time had already passed away.”
“......”
“And so, from the time he was young, I never gave His Majesty anything one could call love. Even so, His Majesty grew up under good teachers and was able to become a fine king of this country.”
The Queen Dowager, letting out a bitter laugh, shook the glass she had lifted and stared fixedly at the water swaying inside it. In order to cool her throat, which burned each time she opened her mouth, she did not set the glass down.
...It was a story I already knew to some extent. Because the Queen Dowager had never expressed love even to her own son, she had not been able to express it even when looking at her granddaughter, the princess.
“And so, in His Majesty’s eyes, the First Queen must have seemed incomparably sweet. Before His Majesty, who until then had to make bloody efforts to receive love, she was a woman who gave love freely.”
“The First Queen was?”
“Yes, the First Queen was such a woman. A woman who taught His Majesty love, made that love blind, and in the end became deadly poison to him.”
“Deadly poison...”
“...If that blindness had not been mutual, nothing could have been better. Tch.”
Mutual..?
Did that mean the First Queen had also loved the king blindly? As if even thinking back on it now left her dumbfounded, the Queen Dowager let out a hollow laugh and smiled bitterly.
“Even after the princess was born, the love between those two showed no sign of cooling. Many were looking forward to it, saying that soon a small sun would rise over this country. Though the result was wretched.”
The small sun likely meant a “prince.” It was because there had been no “prince” between the king and the First Queen that Vivian had been able to marry the king. But as I listened to the Queen Dowager’s story, I could not understand.
If they loved each other so much, why had they not given the princess a name? Why had they left alone a child who was the fruit born between two people who loved each other, without even giving her a name?
“...You look as if you are wondering why, when they loved each other so much, they did not give the princess a name.”
“...Does it show?”
“Reach my age, and you will be able to read people’s thoughts to some extent from their expressions.”
The Queen Dowager chuckled, then returned to a calm expression once more.
“...It may not be my place to say this, when I never gave His Majesty love, but... ‘maternal love’ and ‘romantic love’ seem to be different things.”
“...Pardon? What do you mean...”
“His Majesty and the First Queen loved ‘only each other,’ and they had no interest in the princess who was born as a result. Does that not mean ‘maternal love’ and ‘romantic love’ are different?”
...?
For a moment, the emotions swirling inside me made my head feel as if it would come apart. With the feeling that the common sense within me had been shattered, I could say nothing and had no choice but to continue listening to the Queen Dowager’s story.
“...To continue, the two of them loved each other far too much. If His Majesty so much as glanced at another woman at a ball or the like, that day the First Queen’s room would be filled with shouting without end.”
“......”
“Look only at me, love only me, do not send that gaze to anyone else—the First Queen would plead with His Majesty that way. And His Majesty listened to the First Queen’s words.”
“That is why you said love is blindness and deadly poison...”
...I felt as though I understood why the First Queen had taken her own life without needing to hear any more. They had been too blind toward each other, and in the end, that blindness had become deadly poison, leading the First Queen to end her own life.
A terrible image filled my mind.
And as if to add to that terrible imagination, the Queen Dowager continued her story.
“...You asked why the First Queen chose to take her own life.”
I nodded faintly.
“If I said it was because His Majesty exchanged greetings with a female envoy from another country, would you believe me?”
...How terrible.
At the First Queen’s dreadful blindness, my face twisted without my realizing it.
“The First Queen’s suicide note was rewritten by me, so it became known that the First Queen had simply grown exhausted and weary and had taken her own life. But her original note was written in such a mess that it was difficult to read properly.”
“......”
“The contents of the note, so horribly stained with blood and ink that it was nearly impossible to read, contained only the few words that could barely be made out: ‘His Majesty,’ ‘love,’ and ‘always by your side.’ That was about all.”
As she continued speaking, the Queen Dowager’s face gradually began to twist as well. As though she no longer wished to recall it, she shook her head vigorously, let out a great sigh, and looked at me.
“...After that, while His Majesty’s mind was still unclear, the elders acted arbitrarily, saying the queen’s vacant seat had to be filled, and that was how you were able to rise to the position of Second Queen.”
“......”
“And as you remember, immediately after the wedding, His Majesty shut himself in his room and began his seclusion.”
As though her throat was parched, the Queen Dowager cleared it with a hem and gulped down cold water again while looking at me. Under that gaze, I had no idea how I was supposed to answer, nor what expression I ought to make, and simply stared down at the plate of food before me.
“...Has your curiosity been satisfied now, Second Queen?”
*