[Episode 114] - A Letter from a Loved One (2)
"To my beloved mother, whom I dearly miss,"
"Mother, can you believe it? It's already been a year since I enrolled at the Academy. By the time this letter reaches you, I'll already be a second-year student. Honestly, I still can't believe it myself. That a whole year has already passed since I came here."
"In other words, it also means a year has already passed since I last saw you. And it means I still have two whole years left until I can see you again. Time seems to flow quickly, yet it also feels slow—I can't quite tell."
"How has it been for you, Mother? Does it feel like a year has already passed? Or does it still feel like merely a year? It's selfish of me, but I hope the past year still feels like just a year to you. Why? Because that would mean you missed me so much that the passing time still feels recent. Hehe."
"Did you know? Veronica misses you far more than you'd think. She said she wouldn't write to you, but I know. I know that she wrote you several letters over the past year."
"I don't know if she actually sent them or not, but if you happened to receive a letter from Veronica, please let me know. I'll use it to tease her. Ah, you must be thinking that as the younger sister, I shouldn't tease her, right? But Veronica is the one who teases me first, isn't she?"
"She never shows any sign of studying, yet her grades are always better than mine. Every time, Veronica becomes so detestable I can barely stand it when she teases me like that. How can she maintain top grades without even studying? I simply can't understand it. Is she secretly using magic or something?"
"Anyway, I feel like I need to catch even the smallest weakness to release all this overflowing frustration. Please, secretly tell me alone. If she gets caught having sent some kind of letter to you, I'm sure Veronica's face will flush bright red. I look forward to seeing that."
"...Honestly, I fully understand Veronica's feelings too. Lately, it's like I've come down with homesickness—there are times when I miss you so much I feel like I'm going crazy. I barely endure by longing for the memories I have with you, but it's not easy. I really want to see you."
"Spring has only just arrived here. The garden at the Royal Palace must already be in full bloom, right? It must be that season by now. I wish you would enclose a daisy from the garden in your next letter. Only then do I think this homesickness would ease a little. That's how much I truly miss you."
"With all my longing, Titania Snow White."
*
"To my beloved mother,"
"I'm sorry I couldn't write for several months. Ever since becoming a third-year, I've had more obligations in high society than Academy coursework. By the time I returned to my dormitory, I didn't even have the strength to hold a pen. I was too busy collapsing onto my bed and falling asleep... Truly, these past few months have been so hard."
"I'm enduring solely on the thought that I'll soon graduate and see you. There isn't much time left until I can return to you if I just hold on a little longer. If I endure through one more summer and winter, I'll be able to go see you. You haven't forgotten your promise, right? You absolutely must come to welcome me?"
"Because you are the person I want to see first and foremost. If you come to welcome me, I think that alone will make me feel that enduring three years at the Academy was worth it. The moment I arrive at the Royal Palace, I'll leap out of the carriage and run straight into your arms."
"And I'll boast to you. About the fact that I've grown taller than you. I've grown tall enough to look down at you now. It won't be me resting in your arms anymore—it will be you resting in mine. You can look forward to how much I've grown."
"Ah, come to think of it, Veronica asked me to relay a message to you. She could have just written you a letter herself, but... ever since I teased her about a letter before, she refuses to write to you. I'm sorry. It's entirely my fault."
"What Veronica wanted me to tell you is: 'I obtained what I wanted.' She's probably talking about the 'Fairy Egg' she acquired early this year. She even held an auction to get it, you know? Perhaps because of the rumor that it grants wishes, countless students participated in the auction. Well, in the end, Sister won it."
"The reason she could win the auction was largely thanks to Ainsel's help. Ainsel told Veronica how much the opponent was bringing to the auction. Ainsel also dug up the opponent's secrets and such. Since then, Veronica and Ainsel have become a little closer. I said 'a little.'"
"So we're getting along well enough without any major incidents. How are you doing, Mother? You always write that you're doing well in your letters, but I'm so anxious since I can't see you for myself. Because even if you were sick, I feel like you would lie and say you weren't."
"So, I think I need to see you in person. Whether you're really alright, whether you're truly doing well—I won't be satisfied until I've seen it with my own two eyes. I think this anxiety will only subside when I meet you and touch your skin with my own hands."
"I'm sorry for being so clingy. It's because my longing for you has grown so intense. The moment I close my eyes, I see your form flickering before me. Now that I think graduation isn't far off, I can't help but think of you constantly. Doesn't it make you pity me, that I miss you this much?"
"I'm only joking. I believe that just as much as I miss you, you miss me too. So when I return after graduation, please welcome me with a smile. Let's meet while you're healthy and put my anxieties to rest. I really, truly want to see you."
"Your daughter, who awaits the day she can see you, Titania Snow White."
*
'This one is from two years ago, this one from three months ago, and this one...'
In the depth of night.
I sat at my desk and began organizing the letters Titania had sent me thus far. Rereading the letters she had sent from the Academy filled me with such bitterness I felt as though I might go mad.
It was as though, with every letter I read, guilt constricted my heart. The contents of the monthly letters never ceased to contain such heartrending words—how she wanted to see me, how she missed me.
Each time, I endured the pain of guilt piercing my heart like a blade and wrote lies upon the stationery. That we could soon meet. That I looked forward to seeing how she had grown. That I would absolutely come to welcome her.
Every month, I sent letters like bundles of such lies, lying to Titania each and every time. It was unbearably agonizing, so every time I wrote a letter, I was too busy crying. Because I was sorry, so sorry.
Just as I began to reread the letters, I heard a knock at the door, and then—without my permission—*bang!* the door flew open. The person who had entered my room without permission was none other than the Queen Dowager.
Startled, I moved to support the Queen Dowager, but she frowned.
"Your Majesty the Queen Dowager...? What brings you here... more than that, is it alright for you to walk like this?! You're not in good health, so where have you left the maids...! You should have just called for me...!"
"Do not make a fuss in the dead of night. I came without the maids knowing."
"...If the maids find out, they'll be terrified."
Hmph. Whether they do or not.
The Queen Dowager snorted and entered my room, plopping down heavily upon my bed. Perhaps because walking here had taken its toll, she caught her breath and then looked at the 'bag' upon my bed and questioned me.
"...Is this all the luggage you have?"
"...Yes, what would I possibly have to pack? I've only brought a few clothes and the bare necessities."
"The greedy child of your youth has finally grown up."
"Haha..."
I could only laugh bitterly at those words.
It was 'Vivian' who had been greedy, not me.
Besides, there truly wasn't anything worth taking. Even if I packed the dresses filling my wardrobe, I couldn't wear them outside the Royal Palace, and since all the dresses were tailored to my body, I couldn't very well sell them either.
A few pieces of jewelry that could be sold, some modest clothes, and the pouch of gold coins the Queen Dowager had given me were sufficient. With this much, I probably wouldn't starve to death out there.
'Yes, even if I leave the Royal Palace tomorrow, I should be fine with just this much.'
It was around three months until Titania's graduation.
I had ultimately resolved to leave the Royal Palace tomorrow.
I had originally intended to stay here as long as possible until just before Titania's graduation, but Her Majesty the Queen Dowager's health, which had been said to last at most three years, was not very poor even now—in fact, it had improved.
Furthermore, since Her Majesty the Queen Dowager had personally told me to leave, it wasn't something I could resist. I decided to think of it as a good thing instead. After all, she had set a departure date for me when I had been unable to decide on one myself.
As I smiled bitterly, the Queen Dowager took an envelope from her bosom and held it out to me. When I hesitated, unsure whether to take it, she sighed and continued speaking.
"Take it, quickly."
"...What is this?"
"It is an invitation to my funeral. With this, even a queen who has been forbidden from entering the Royal Palace will be able to enter, if only for that day."
In that moment, I felt my heart sink with a thud.
Upon learning the contents of the invitation in my hand, it felt as heavy as a thousand pounds. An invitation to Her Majesty the Queen Dowager's funeral? For her to suddenly give me something like this, could it be...
When I raised my head to look at the Queen Dowager, she smiled gently and stroked my cheek. The moment her rough hand brushed down my cheek, a single tear rolled down and fell with a drop.
The teardrop precariously hanging from the tip of my chin fell to the floor, drop by drop. The Queen Dowager wiped my tears with the back of her hand and smiled, not knowing that her very action made me want to cry even more.
"...You must live a long life. You must see Titania become queen, and see a great-grandchild who looks just like her. You have to live a long, long life until then..."
"Do not worry. Even without you saying so, I intend to live a very long time. I have no intention of dying, at least until Titania becomes queen, though I cannot say the same about seeing a great-grandchild."
"???"
Wait, then why are you giving me something like this now? As if you're someone who will die soon? When I abruptly stopped crying and looked at the Queen Dowager in disbelief, she began to pull on both my cheeks.
"But then why are you giving this to me now?"
"Because you're leaving here without telling me where you're going! I have no choice but to give it to you now! I don't know if I'll be able to reach you when the time comes, so I must give it to you now!"
"Uwaaah—"
The Queen Dowager grabbed my face as if annoyed and began shaking it wildly. My vision swayed back and forth, giving me a headache. As if even shaking my face was tiresome, the Queen Dowager sighed and glared at me in irritation.
"I don't know where in the world you plan to wander, but do not leave the kingdom. If you cause trouble in a foreign country, the kingdom will be unable to help you."
"Do I really look like someone who would go to a foreign country and cause trouble?!"
"Yes, you rascal of a daughter-in-law! Thinking of your youth still gives me a headache even now!"
"Uwaaah—"
Once again, my vision swayed back and forth. Even as my face was shaken every which way, for some reason, laughter bubbled up. Seeing me laugh, the Queen Dowager broke into a grin and released my face. As I touched my cheek as if it hurt, she sighed and looked at Titania's letters.
"...Write at least one letter to Titania before you go. It will be too difficult to explain otherwise."
"...I don't know what to write. No, even if I write a letter, will Titania forgive me?"
"It would be better than leaving without a word. At the very least, write down how things came to this. We will try to comfort her somehow after that."
"...Yes."
As I smiled bitterly and fell into thought for a moment, the Queen Dowager tapped my arm.
It was a signal for me to help her up.
When I reached out my hand to support her, the Queen Dowager, now standing, pulled me into an embrace and patted my back. Feeling as though I would burst into tears again, I bit my lower lip and held them back.
"...My dear, I'm sorry this is all I can do for you."
"...No. This is more than enough."
"If only you had truly, truly received the 'Seong'..."
The Queen Dowager stopped patting my back for a moment and let out a deep sigh. Knowing that countless emotions lay within that sigh, I said nothing and quietly remained in her embrace.
"...I am truly sorry."
After that, the Queen Dowager did not speak another word until I escorted her back to her own room. It was a brief apology, but for me, it was enough. Because I knew the heart for me contained within those words, truly, that alone was enough.
I quietly returned to my seat, picked up my fountain pen, and looked at the stationery.
"To Titania"
"......"
What in the world could I write to Titania? Was the act of writing a letter even right to begin with? Could a single sheet of paper possibly explain this situation to Titania?
Without having written a single word, the nib of the fountain pen, long coated in ink, had dried and split. I repeated the act once, twice, three times, over and over, yet I could not write a single consecutive letter.
And so time flowed on endlessly; night passed, and dawn began to break.
The dawn of the day I would leave the Royal Palace began to break.