Chapter 106
Perhaps she had expected something like this to happen.
Jenok’s words were shocking. The statement and questioning ended there, but that night Rowena could hardly sleep. Every time she closed her eyes and tried to drift off, his words seemed to echo through her mind. Along with them, Killian’s final farewell kept repeating strangely in her dreams. His faintly smiling face, and the hand that had kept stroking Damian. As though he were trying to remember their faces and their touch one last time.
When she had heard the explosion, her heart had dropped; and when she found the wreckage of the carriage smashed to pieces, a helplessness came over her as though she were wandering through a thick fog. On the outside she remained calm and composed, but inside she felt herself sinking, little by little, into a dark sea.
Not knowing how much time had passed, Rowena continued to look down at the sleeping man. It was the sort of face even his enemies jokingly called a national treasure. A neat, cool forehead; arched brows raised a little sharply; an arrogant nose bridge that flowed as smoothly as water; and lips pressed tight as if in stubbornness. His lashes, spread like a fan, were longer than most women’s.
During the days when she had been his mistress, on the rare occasions he fell asleep beside her instead of heading straight to his office the moment they finished in bed, she would watch his sleeping face until dawn. Those memories rose vividly in her mind. In the past, she would have tried desperately to erase them, her chest aching as guilt washed over her. Strangely, now, she felt none of that. It was not longing, nor any tender affection. It only felt vague and hazy, as though it had happened a very long time ago.
“It’s been almost ten years since I met you.”
So much had happened, and so much had changed. Just as she was no longer the young and innocent twenty-year-old Rowena Pilone, Killian Devonshire was no longer the cruel man he had been. His cold nature might have been innate and impossible to change, but at least in front of her, he had hidden that side of himself thoroughly.
At times, his attitude had changed so much that she had rubbed her eyes and wondered if he had some ulterior motive. But in the end, that had not been the case. Jenok’s words were testimony to it, and the certificate of inheritance he had secretly placed in her robe was proof.
“Did you really do it on purpose?”
Though she knew no answer would come, once her lips parted, they kept moving.
“Did you think I would forgive you if you did? If you really meant to die.”
“……”
“I’ll hate you until the very end. That’s what you wanted, wasn’t it? To remain in someone’s heart to the last in that way. Just so your own mind could be at ease, for no more than that reason, now you’re……”
The more she spoke, the more her throat closed up, and she could say no more. At the pain that felt as though her vocal cords were tightening, Rowena wrapped both hands around her neck. She wanted to hurl words no different from curses at him if only it would make those doll-like closed eyes open. Even if doing so made her no better than a demon.
“This must be the situation you wanted to avoid most. Your plan failed, and I’m staying by your side out of nothing but pity. That……”
The end of her sentence trembled. Her voice would not come out properly, so Rowena bent over and whispered beside his ear.
“That is something your noble pride would never allow, isn’t it? Because even at the very end, you hated showing weakness in front of me more than anything.”
“……”
“Look at yourself now. Your noble Grace, the Duke of Rockford. How wretched you are. If there were a mirror, I’d tell you to look at yourself.”
She provoked him as much as she could, but still there was no response. Straightening her back, Rowena let out a weary breath. Far from feeling relieved, it was as though a stone had settled in her chest. As she rubbed her face with trembling hands, someone knocked on the door. Thinking it might be a nurse, she told them to come in, and a familiar face entered the hospital room.
“Lady Rowena.”
“……
Mr. Jenok.”
Jenok, who had grown haggard over the past few days just as she had, looked back and forth between Damian and Rowena before striding over to her.
“You’ve been here all this time.”
“Yes…… And you, Mr. Jenok?”
“The case has been concluded. The culprit was none other than Baron Sussex’s illegitimate child. They say he must have borne a grudge after learning that his father had been killed by His Grace.”
“Baron Sussex……”
It was not an unfamiliar name. Back when she had been Killian’s mistress, he had also been the man who had worked behind the scenes to drive her into being cast aside so miserably. As Rowena murmured the name, Jenok continued his explanation.
“Fortunately, the bomb was a defective, half-finished thing, so there were no deaths besides the culprit. There were no passersby at the time either, so the only injured were His Grace and the coachman. I heard the coachman woke up this morning, so I’ve just come from visiting him.”
“That’s a mercy amid misfortune.”
“Indeed it is.”
As Rowena let out a small sigh of relief, Jenok sat down beside her and studied her complexion.
“In any case, it seems you haven’t been sleeping well. You should go to the mansion with the young master and get some rest.”
“I’m all right. I can’t sleep.”
Rowena weakly shook her head and released a low breath like a sigh.
The day of the accident and the day after had passed in sheer devastation. The next day, everything had seemed like a dream, and she kept denying reality. The day after that, she spent all her time in the hospital room looking down at Killian, and then another day came, and another after that.
When Cedric, who had at least stayed by her side, returned to the estate with Lauren at dawn today with a promise to come back, she felt as though she had been left utterly alone. Selfish though the thought was.
“When will he wake up? Will he wake up at all?”
At the question that slipped out like a soliloquy, Jenok lowered his eyes gravely.
“I cannot say.”
It was the answer she had expected. Rowena merely blinked her dry eyes without any sign of surprise. Silence fell, and in the next moment, a voice filled with anguish, as if confessing, burrowed into her ears.
“I have regretted it all this time.”
At the abrupt words, Rowena turned her head. Jenok continued speaking without taking his eyes off the sleeping Killian.
“Why did I not defend you more actively back then, Lady Rowena? Why did I advise you to hide the young master’s identity after you met again?”
What “back then” meant was clear. It was when she had been Killian’s mistress. Staring at Jenok’s profile, Rowena parted her lips.
“Wasn’t it because you were afraid His Grace would harm Damian and me?”
“Well. Does he seem like the sort of person who would?”
In the past, the answer would have come immediately: yes. But not anymore. As Rowena could not respond and only swallowed dryly, Jenok shook his head.
“I thought I knew this man completely. I had served him since his reckless youth, and we had spent a long time together. Though most of the time, I served him as if competing with the baron.”
Whenever they met, they had bared their teeth and guarded against each other, but what had to be acknowledged had to be acknowledged. Lifting his gaze from Killian to meet Rowena’s eyes, Jenok confessed slowly.
“It is true that the baron respected His Grace and served him sincerely. I am sorry to say this to you, Lady Rowena.”
His eyes asked whether he might continue. Rowena shook her head with a look that said it was fine.
“No. It’s all right.”
In the past, even hearing such a thing would have been difficult, but like a rock gradually shaped by wind and waves, like iron hardened little by little through dozens and hundreds of times in the forge, the trials she had endured had tempered her. While passing through them, they had been as agonizing and painful as burning fire, but now that she had nearly reached the end, they were simply among the things she had endured and overcome. She hated to admit it, but they had made her stronger.
“You must think His Grace is an exceedingly cold and indifferent person. Even though you have seen another side of him.”
With her permission given, Jenok cautiously began, looking at her as if seeking agreement. Rowena nodded.
“It is true that he has changed. But one’s nature doesn’t change.”
He had shown only a different side to her and Damian and acted like a person wholly unlike who he had been before, but deep down, she believed people did not truly change. The “business” he was involved in proved that. She did not know the details, but it was an illegal and secretive business, one in which someone was bound to be sacrificed. His attitude, tone, and bearing toward others had not changed either. He was a man as cold as a snake, without a shred of compassion. She was not trying to judge whether that was good or bad. It was simply that he had been born that way.
“Have you ever heard of protective coloration?”
“……”
“Lizards like chameleons protect themselves by changing to a color similar to their surroundings, to shield themselves from the outside world. I do not think humans are any different.”
She, too, knew that Killian’s environment had driven him into a corner. But hearing about it and seeing it were two different things.
“……
That does not justify the path he has taken.”
After wavering for only a moment, Rowena shook her head in denial. At that, Jenok smiled bitterly and quietly laid bare his heart.
“Do you know this? The moment I first saw Master Damian, along with shock, a certain thought occurred to me. If His Grace had had a mother like you, Lady Rowena, perhaps he might have been like that.”
It was a statement that seemed to rake through her chest. As though he had struck the mark, Rowena could say nothing. More than once, however vaguely, she had seen Killian overlap with Damian. But had she ever seen Killian in Damian, the other way around? Almost never had Killian come to mind in Damian’s bright, positive, childlike face.
“I advised you to hide the young master’s identity partly because I was worried about the confusion His Grace would suffer and what he might do afterward. But I also felt that way. I feared he might feel that sense of deprivation and despair I had sensed, however faintly, and I hoped he would have enough time to accept it.”
Rowena listened to Jenok in silence. Encouraged by her response, Jenok poured out the sincerity he had kept buried all this time.
“As you said, Lady Rowena, His Grace’s past deeds cannot be erased, nor can they be justified. There were times when His Grace stained his own hands with blood, and not a few people were sacrificed in the process of expanding his business.”
Rowena, who had been listening quietly, opened her lips.
“Did he ever atone for it even once, or feel guilt?”
“No.”
At the firm answer, Rowena lowered the head she had briefly raised. Over her bowed head, Jenok’s words continued.
“But Lady Rowena.”
“……”
“Can there truly be a person who is cold-blooded from the moment they are born? When all of us are born the same—as human beings?”