# 99
99. That Strange Guest Still (13)
Ethan sluggishly lay back down on the bed. He looked like he might cry at any moment, but in the end, he neither shed tears nor poured out his sorrow. He was still a person quite inept at expressing himself honestly.
Watching him close his eyes, I left the room. I carefully closed the door and turned around, only to pause. Vincent was leaning against the wall.
I stood frozen, blinking, when Vincent turned his head toward me. He wasn't making any particular expression, but it was a face with many questions. I immediately bowed my head.
I thought he would speak to me at any moment, but when I glanced up again, Vincent was looking straight ahead, not at me.
Here was another person inept at expressing themselves honestly.
After some hesitation, I quietly approached Vincent's side. Seeing him standing like that, I couldn't just walk past.
A moment of silence flowed. Vincent didn't look at me, and I only stared at the floor. Just as the silence was becoming tedious, the words I'd been waiting for slipped from his mouth.
"How is he."
Even asking was so difficult for him. Still, he must have been worried, as he was inquiring about Ethan's condition. I didn't know what the two had said in the room, but it clearly wasn't a warm conversation that had passed between them.
I was about to say he was fine but stopped. As Ethan's distorted face came to mind, a surge of stubborn resentment suddenly welled up.
"He cried an awful lot."
"……."
Then I regretted saying something unnecessary.
"I'm joking."
Vincent looked at me in disbelief.
"What are you doing right now."
"……I felt I should tell you."
"What?"
"He didn't shed any tears. But from what I could see, it seemed like he was crying on the inside. And crying his eyes out at that."
"……."
What exactly was the relationship between Ethan and Vincent right now? Ethan had kept his words brief, but I knew their awkwardness wasn't created from simple feelings. It wasn't something that could be precisely defined as dislike, resentment, or guilt. Deeper and more complex emotions were entangled between them.
To Ethan, Vincent was a precious friend and someone he felt sorry toward. Especially because of what happened with Lucas, this would be even more so. Then what about Vincent?
"After composing himself, he's sleeping now."
I calmly offered the answer to what he was curious about. Somehow, a gaze full of dissatisfaction bore into me for a long time. I pretended not to notice, bowing my head even lower and glaring only at the floor.
"Did he say anything else."
"He said you were a very precious friend, the only one he has."
"It wasn't to that extent."
A retort came right back. Honestly, I had exaggerated a bit.
"I heard you had a big fight."
"Did Ethan say that?"
"Yes. He said that's why you grew apart."
"……Anything else besides that?"
"Nothing."
I held my tongue, afraid that if I said more, he might suspect that a mere servant knew too much. Vincent didn't ask any further either.
Another uncomfortable silence flowed.
What state of mind had Vincent been in while waiting for me to come out? I knew well that because the other person was precious, one instead became more cautious. That was probably why he didn't pour out all his emotions. He even hid his true feelings, afraid that his own emotions might hurt the other person.
To Vincent, Ethan was a precious friend, a resentful person, and at the same time, someone he felt sorry toward. I vaguely tried to understand his heart.
Even now, he hadn't left his spot and was leaning against the wall. Though silent, he seemed to still have something to say.
After hesitating for a moment, I opened my mouth.
"It may be presumptuous of me to say this, but if I may offer one piece of advice—please don't suppress your emotions too much. I'm worried that even your other feelings might become dulled."
I felt his gaze again.
"And if you hold it in too much, you'll get sick. Even if it hurts the other person sometimes, if you feel the need to pour out your feelings honestly, then you should do so."
There must have been many events between the two, and as many accumulated emotions. They should have resolved them as they came, but from what Ethan said, it seemed they hadn't even had a proper conversation.
Hadn't I just witnessed that myself a moment ago? It felt like that kind of dynamic had continued for all five years.
It was so regrettable that I spoke up despite the risk of being impertinent. To restore a relationship, one had to open up about their true feelings to the other person first.
"Sounds like you're telling us to fight."
"That would be good too."
Of course, revealing feelings wouldn't always lead to good results. It could inflict emotional wounds, or lead to a big fight.
But if they were precious to each other, even if they got hurt by the other's true feelings, they would eventually understand the heart behind it.
"How about raising your voices and fighting. You're friends, after all."
I believed the two would understand each other's true feelings.
Then I suddenly blurted out a thought that crossed my mind.
"If it comes down to it, you could even duke it out."
"Duke it out?"
He repeated the words as if he'd heard something unfamiliar.
"Yes. Violence is bad, but they say sometimes it's a way to clear your chest and let out your feelings."
I didn't fully understand it myself, but I had often seen men who got into fistfights as if they'd never see each other again, getting along perfectly fine the next day as if nothing had happened. Even with bloody noses and dark bruises on their faces, they said they had satisfactorily resolved their built-up complaints against each other. Since Ethan and Vincent were also men like them, I brought it up thinking that method might work.
"Duke it out, huh……."
Vincent murmured, chewing on my words.
It seemed like I might have said something unnecessary. He couldn't possibly be seriously considering a fistfight, right? Somehow feeling an ominous premonition, I added, "As long as no blood is drawn, just some bruises should be enough, don't you think?" Then I quickly said that resolving things through conversation would still be the best, but Vincent seemed to barely hear my latter words.
As Vincent fell quiet, seemingly deep in thought, silence returned to the hallway once more. I blinked as I looked at the floor, occasionally glancing up to read Vincent's expression.
Did I offend him? He might think I was being presumptuous. It was a remark that crossed the thickly drawn line between him and me by a step.
His expression gradually worsened, making my heart anxious.
But contrary to my expectations, a laugh suddenly rang out.
"That's unexpected."
"Pardon?"
"I thought you'd say something like 'make up quickly' or 'resolve it calmly through conversation.' That's what people usually say in these situations."
At those words, I became puzzled.
"What did I say?"
Why would I say such things? I hadn't said anything like that in Ethan's room just now either. I hadn't even offered words of comfort.
Not being present in that moment made me an outsider. I could understand the wound but couldn't share the pain. Advice and comfort can only be given by someone who has felt the same wound. Words offered without knowing what kind of pain the other has endured are arrogance, no different from inflicting another wound.
"I don't know the details between you two. I don't know what you've been through, or what wounds you carry because of it. I wouldn't dare presume to fathom them. For someone like me to lecture you this way and that is only possible because I'm not a party involved. When it's difficult, how can I only say nice things? Whether to endure that pain or reveal it outwardly is up to the people involved. Whatever choice you make, I have no right to judge it as right or wrong."
"……."
"You can continue on like this. I'm not saying that's good, but that doesn't mean you need to force yourselves to make an effort."
Once a relationship has crumbled, it's not easily restored. If simply being honest could immediately make them understand each other's hearts and heal their wounds, how wonderful would that be.
But theirs was not a gap that could be so easily closed. Someone who wants to be honest and someone who wants to run away cannot face each other with one heart. That was the reason this relationship was creaking now.
However, if they didn't try, there would be no chance for recovery either.
"But if you wish for things to change, you can take it slowly. It's something that needs time. Slowly, even if you have to fight, you just need to face each other properly. You can raise your voices, you can even hurt the other person. If that's what you wish, don't be afraid and approach them. Little by little, as you keep building, someday change will come."
"……."
Just as you once did.
After saying that much, I bowed my head even deeper. The gaze touching my cheeks felt stinging. Somehow, that gaze seemed to contain emotion. When I subtly rolled my eyes, Vincent was looking at me with a peculiar expression.
"W-why are you looking at me like that."
"I'm just intrigued."
"Pardon?"
"Because…… someone once gave me similar words before."
Whoever that was, they must be quite a remarkable person.
Vincent took his eyes off me and looked straight ahead again. His slightly lowered eyelids trembled faintly.
"If I wish for it…… can we return to how we were before."
His heavy voice revealed his inner struggle. I smiled slightly. Because the words Ethan had said before I left the room came to mind.
'After Vincent found out everything, we should have had a proper conversation, but we missed that timing. After that, we just drifted along, and now even having a normal conversation is difficult.'
Ethan had said so with a bitter smile. Is there a proper timing for becoming honest, too? Ethan regretted not being able to face Vincent properly. And now Vincent was agonizing over his changed relationship with Ethan. I thought that was quite fortunate. Because I knew they shared the same heart.
"You probably can't go back to how it was."
"……."
"But it can be rebuilt in a new form, even more solidly."
A relationship that has split and crumbled cannot return to its original form. Even if you piece the broken parts back together, the scars won't disappear.
But if you build and stack again to fill those gaps, it will become stronger than before. It wasn't an easy task, but it wasn't an impossible one either.
"If you wish for it."
Yes, if the two of them wished for it. Someone who has already departed cannot do anything. But if you're alive, what can't you do? As you live, a moment will come when a crumbled relationship becomes strong once more.
Thinking that, I smiled bitterly. Because I had never had such a relationship myself. But the words I just said to him were sincere.
"You're weird."
A sudden remark criticizing me came back. Wait, what did I even do? I looked at him in disbelief, and Vincent, who had been staring intently at me, turned his head and slightly furrowed his brow.
"Weird……."