# 98
98. Still That Strange Guest (12)
“That’s why I’m curious.”
“About what?”
“If you went out of your way to come here and bring this up, I figured there must really be something.”
He spoke in a plain voice, but the intent to sneer was palpable.
Vincent clamped his mouth shut and slightly furrowed his brow. Seeing this, Ethan smiled faintly, which gave me an uneasy feeling. Vincent probably knew too. That when he was smiling, he was having the most ominous thoughts.
“When you act like this, even if I had no thoughts, it feels like I should do something.”
As expected, an ominous remark popped out. Ethan’s head tilted even more. It was a posture that anyone would mistake for an ill-mannered noble ruffian.
“If I’m bothering you, are you going to kick me out from here?”
“…….”
Vincent didn’t answer right away. His slightly lowered emerald eyes briefly revealed annoyance. I thought he would immediately lash out in frustration. However, contrary to my expectations, he squeezed his eyes shut and opened them as if trying to suppress his emotions.
“What are you up to? Let me join.”
Ethan sneered. Vincent still maintained his silence. He acted like someone who didn’t even start because he feared he wouldn’t be able to stop once he let out a single word. Somehow, hesitation could be seen in him.
Watching him from the opposite side, I realized.
‘Vincent is being mindful of Ethan’s mood.’
He didn’t openly show it, but he seemed strangely unable to do anything against Ethan. Even with words and attitudes that anyone could tell were full of sneering intent, he didn’t rebuke him.
It wasn’t that he wasn’t annoyed. He hid the emotion the moment it was about to show. The fingertips holding the teacup handle curled slightly inward. It was faint, but the hesitation contained carefulness.
It was a moment where the one-sidedly tilted relationship was clearly revealed.
“I’m joking. I really came here to rest, literally, so don’t get the wrong idea.”
Ethan laughed lightly and eased the atmosphere. He straightened his tilted posture and sat upright. Then, lifting his empty teacup, he held it out to me. I had been watching the mood, so with a beat delay, I tilted the teapot and filled his cup.
Ethan gulped down the tea.
“More importantly, since I came like this, tell me a bit about yourself. How have you been lately? Aren’t you really busy? It’s a chaotic time for everyone, and you seem like you can’t even sleep well. You’ll get sick like that. Are you hurt anywhere?”
Questions poured out rapid-fire. As if he had been waiting only for this moment, Ethan threw out words without pause. Vincent’s brow furrowed even more.
“Yeah.”
It was a short answer, unclear which question it was responding to. Ethan’s voice stopped abruptly. But he soon opened his mouth again.
“What exactly is ‘yeah’?”
“I mean ‘yeah’ to everything you asked.”
“Really? Is work very hard?”
“Yeah.”
“Is there anything you need my help with? Just say the word. I’ll help.”
“No.”
“……Has there been nothing special lately? Something fun, perhaps.”
“Not really.”
“…….”
The conversation stuttered to a halt. As if he had no desire to talk, Vincent answered perfunctorily. Ethan must have felt it too, as his voice stopped again. His tightly pressed lips stretched long, but his eyes weren’t smiling.
“Right, are you still scared of the night falling?”
Night...? As I looked at Ethan in bewilderment, he was glaring at Vincent with only his mouth smiling. Vincent’s gaze, which had been resting on his teacup, lifted again. I thought he would ask what he was talking about, but a calm answer returned.
“No.”
Another short answer.
Silence followed as if it were a natural procedure. A small sigh escaped from beside me.
“Is there nothing else you want to say to me?”
“Yeah.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Weren’t you curious about how I was doing?”
“Seeing that you’re doing well is enough.”
“……Still, stay and talk more. Let’s have a conversation after such a long time.”
“Let’s do it later.”
The rejection was swift and firm. He gave the rejection without even looking this way. Ethan probably knew that saying “let’s do it later” was just out of politeness.
With those words, Vincent got up from the sofa. The sight of him smoothing out his wrinkled jacket clearly showed that he was done.
At that moment, a bang! sounded as someone struck the table. Startled, I turned around and saw Ethan’s fist trembling on the table.
Despite making a loud noise, Ethan smiled as if nothing had happened. Flustered, I checked Ethan before turning my gaze back to Vincent. He, too, was looking at Ethan without a single movement, as if he hadn’t heard any sound.
“How long are you going to keep doing this?”
Ethan murmured low.
“I’m asking how long you’re going to keep acting like this.”
With every word he spat out, emotions leaked out. It felt like something that had been pressed down and contained was slowly seeping through the cracks of its prison. He smiled more deeply than usual, pretending to be calm, but his fist resting on the table was still trembling slightly.
Vincent cast a fleeting glance at me. I bowed deeply.
“I will take my leave now.”
This time, no one stopped me.
The conversation got quite long. I paced the corridor anxiously. Not a single raised voice leaked out from beyond the firmly closed door. Should I call that a relief? But my anxiety only swelled larger.
Just as I was wondering if I should go in, the door opened. Soon after, Vincent came out.
He gave a fleeting glance at me, who was pacing the corridor. I briefly bowed my head and passed him to enter the room.
I softly closed the door and observed Ethan. He was sitting on the sofa just as he had been a moment ago. His side profile as he gulped down the tea looked calm, as if nothing had happened. I observed him up to that point, then quickly approached and sat next to him.
“Lord Ethan.”
Ethan slowly turned his head. I hadn’t noticed from a distance, but up close, he looked somehow exhausted.
Watching the two’s conversation today, I was certain. Something definitely happened between them. What could have made their relationship change like this?
Can I even ask? As I hesitated in thought, he smiled faintly.
“It’s okay, ask away.”
Permission was granted. I slowly parted my lips.
“Did something happen between you and the Master?”
“You caught me. Our relationship did worsen.”
“Did you fight?”
“Something like that.”
“Did you come to blows?”
“It would have been better than it is now if we had.”
Then why?
“Our relationship soured a bit because of Lucas. To be exact, because of this.”
Ethan pointed his fingertip at his own eyes.
“I did it without Vincent knowing.”
“……!”
My breath hitched. It was a fragmented statement, but I understood its meaning. I was that horrified.
“T-Then, are you saying the Master received it without knowing?”
“Yes. To be exact, he received it without knowing it was Lucas’s.”
“W-Why. How come…….”
“Because it was what Lucas wanted. So I did that for him.”
But I tried to hide it well, yet he found out right away. Ethan added in a tone as if it were nothing. However, the situation just a moment ago was enough to explain that it was absolutely not nothing.
And I couldn’t dare to fathom the emotions Vincent must have felt when he learned of that entire process. It must have been the moment he desired so much, yet the truth was too cruel.
I replied bleakly.
“……But it must have been something the Master didn’t wish for.”
“Exactly. He threw a fit the moment he found out.”
“He might have told you to turn it back to the way it was.”
“Because Lucas had already left by then. Such an option didn’t exist from the start. Well, even if Lucas had been alive, turning it back would have been impossible.”
A lie. If Lucas had somehow managed to stay alive, even if he was in a coma, if there had been a chance of survival, Ethan would have never made such a choice.
When Lucas spoke of his wish, what must Ethan have felt?
Being given the right to choose can feel good sometimes, but other times, it is too cruel. What tastes better, what is more needed, who is better, which is more important between the slender thread of a younger brother’s life and the hope of the friend whom that brother had driven to despair.
That was the choice Ethan made. What was more important. In truth, nothing was unimportant, yet he had to make the choice to let go of one of the two. Perhaps Lucas made the choice for him to at least slightly lessen his agony.
Vincent was right. Ethan was adept at lying. He was a man who perfectly hid even his own emotions within lies.
“It’s been like this ever since. It’s not like we had a huge fight or are openly giving each other the cold shoulder. We just grew a bit distant. Vincent doesn’t even try to talk to me, and even when we do end up conversing, he acts awkward. Then he watches my mood, which makes me feel uncomfortable, so eventually I started avoiding him too. Actually, it’s been a while since we last met. We were both busy. This time, I made time to see him for the first time in a while.”
“…….”
“I couldn’t tell you because I was afraid it would be like this.”
Afraid of what? When I asked back, Ethan smiled awkwardly.
“Because you looked like you might cry.”
“I’m not going to cry.”
“I know.”
Saying so, Ethan placed one hand on the edge of the sofa and leaned his upper body forward. The distance closed a bit more. His tilted face held a gentle look.
“But if you want to cry, I’d like you not to hold back and just cry. Since there’s no need for even Paula to hold back.”
Sadness seeped into his smile.
Quietly meeting his gaze, I grabbed the back of the sofa with one hand like him and brought my body closer to his. As I tilted my head slightly, a question filled his brown eyes.
“You scolded me for not living happily, yet you lied when you weren’t doing well yourself.”
As I muttered softly, his brown eyes curved into a smile.
“Oh my, you caught that too.”
“You were saying so much earlier too.”
“I’m ashamed.”
His speaking attitude was playful. It made my heart bitter, thinking that was his own way of defending himself.
“I will do as Lord Ethan says. In return, please grant my request too.”
“Haha, what are you going to say?”
“Promise me you’ll listen.”
“Alright. Tell me.”
“Lord Ethan, when you want to cry, please don’t hold back and cry too.”
The smile disappeared from Ethan’s face again. I slowly recalled the events that had unfolded since this afternoon.
Ethan, who had been cooped up in the room sleeping late; the servants’ trembling expressions of fear when they saw him following me around; even the maids who begged for their lives over trivial matters.
In such a situation, Ethan was calm. He looked accustomed to it. Perhaps to Ethan now, such sights were natural. They might be unfamiliar to me, but not to him. A count who survived by devouring his own flesh and blood. He would have to live wearing those shackles for the rest of his life.
Even now, he couldn’t express his emotions even in front of his precious friend. Without a single place to pour his heart out, wouldn’t there only be people around him suffocating him? That was what weighed on my mind the most.
“Even if you can’t show it to anyone, even if you must not, at the very least, I wish you wouldn’t hide it in front of me.”
“…….”
“I wish you wouldn’t hold it in.”
So I wish you wouldn’t do that even to me.
There were shared memories between him and me. So I could empathize at least a little with his pain. Since he was now in a position where he had to read others’ moods, he would try even harder to suppress his emotions, but there was no need to do that in front of me. It’s okay to have at least one person you can honestly reveal your feelings to, right?
“You’ll do that, right?”
And this was the only thing I could give him. I hoped it would ease his breathing even a little. With those feelings in mind, I looked at Ethan and smiled softly.
“And I wish you wouldn’t hold back right now either. It’s just me here.”
At that, Ethan’s face crumbled in an instant. His expression distorted as if he would cry at any moment, and he buried his face in my shoulder. His shaking emotions spilled out in ragged breaths. Just as he had done for me, I continuously patted his back.