# 76
76. The Count I Met Again (6)
Yes, I caused an accident.
Right after the disaster that day, I begged Vincent to spare me.
‘I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry.’
‘Do you even know what you did?’
‘Yes. I’m sorry. It’s all my fault.’
‘If someone helps you twice, you try to kill them and then say sorry? Or is that just your attitude toward people who help you?’
‘…….’
That mouth of his hasn’t changed. But since it was my fault, even with ten mouths I’d have no excuse, so I silently accepted his reproach. Vincent seemed like he wanted to say more, but couldn’t bring himself to put that disaster into words, so he appeared to swallow his anger. Beside him, Joelli had been cluelessly laughing her head off for a while now.
‘I-it’s fine, pfft, Vincent, heuk. D-don’t you need to look into a career as a physician? Heh.’
‘Shut your mouth.’
‘Puhahaha!’
But Joelli didn’t back down and kept laughing, and Vincent’s murderous gaze pierced back into me. My head dropped deeply. While doing so, I sneakily hid behind Johnny’s back, but he stepped to the side and avoided me. I sent him a pleading look not to dodge, but Johnny was firm.
‘You have to deal with it yourself.’
Annoying bastard. In the end, I had to endure that dizzying time alone.
That day, I seriously considered whether I should run away again.
Since he always came to visit Robert whenever he came here, several more uncomfortable situations followed after that. His disapproving gaze soon morphed into disregard. Occasionally, Joelli would playfully mention that disaster, making me secretly break out in a cold sweat.
Alicia, the other witness to the disaster, looked complicated, wondering whether this was a situation to be envious of or not.
Just thinking about that day still makes my face flush. I thought I might be punished, but perhaps out of pride, he didn’t take any measures. Fortunately, I had kicked his thigh next to *that place* between his legs rather than *that place* itself, so a tragedy was averted, but it was obvious what kind of impression I had left on him.
This time, I avoided him for a different reason.
“Ah……”
It was when I took Robert’s dessert and entered the room. Someone was inside. It was an adult man holding a child in his arms. Even from the back, I recognized who it was immediately.
While I stopped in surprise, Vincent also noticed me and turned around. As his gaze reached me, I instinctively bowed my head. I fumbled with my bangs out of habit. Flustered by his unexpected appearance, I glanced up, and he frowned upon recognizing me. Seeing his displeased face made me unnecessarily nervous.
He raised his index finger to his lips toward me, who was standing stiffly.
‘Shh.’
Shh? Ah, shh. Shh. I also put my index finger to my lips, mimicking him awkwardly, and nodded. Vincent took his eyes off me and patted Robert’s back with his large hand.
“Mo… ther…”
A voice full of tears flowed out softly. Looking closer, Robert’s face was puffy from crying. Did he cry again? Robert’s longing for his mother was considerable. There were many times he would whimper and cry in his sleep like this. It made me wonder what kind of person Robert’s mother was.
Vincent gently stroked Robert’s head. A relaxed, careful, yet familiar gesture. Robert, who had been whimpering for a moment, let out even breaths again.
Bright rays of sunlight poured in through the large window carved into the wall. Short, messy blonde hair falling over Vincent’s shoulder sparkled in the sunlight. Robert mumbled and rubbed his chubby cheek. Vincent adjusted his posture familiarly.
The figures of the two swayed in the sunbeams.
Quite a good match, aren’t they?
“Why are you looking at me like that.”
Vincent, turning back, frowned.
“No, it’s nothing.”
I immediately lowered my gaze and bowed.
Not long after, only the even breathing of the child echoed in the room. Vincent, having laid the fully asleep Robert on the bed, left the room.
I, who had been standing there holding the silver tray with the dessert until then, also glanced at the sleeping Robert and headed outside. I killed the sound of my footsteps, walked out softly, and gently closed the door.
“You.”
The hardship I had forgotten had found me.
Seeing his murderous eyes, I unconsciously held up the silver tray to cover my face.
“W-would you like some?”
It was an out-of-the-blue remark even by my own standards.
“What?”
He also seemed dumbfounded.
“I brought it for the young master, but he’s asleep. If you don’t eat this, it’ll melt. If it melts, it won’t taste good, and it’d be a waste. I-if you don’t mind, if you like sweet things… No, even if you don’t, I mean, um…”
As I rambled on, my words became strange. What was I even trying to say?
My voice gradually trailed off, but he didn’t say anything more either. An awkward atmosphere flowed between us.
As I was struggling with how to wrap up this situation, the silver tray suddenly became lighter. As I lowered my gaze toward the silver tray, I saw him leaning against the window right in front of me. In his hand was the dessert I had brought for Robert.
The dessert was a chocolate cake. He broke off a piece of the dark cake with a fork and put it in his mouth. He was chewing it. There was no rebuke asking what nonsense I was suddenly spouting. He really started eating the cake deliciously.
A little laugh escaped me. It wasn’t just his attitude, but his face, having taken a bite of the cake, came alive. Even though he pretends otherwise, it must suit his taste quite well. His face was sullen, but he looked inexplicably satisfied. It seems he still likes sweet things.
“Please have some tea as well.”
Worried that eating only cake might make him choke, I poured tea into the teacup I had brought along. However, what the child drank wasn’t water brewed with tea leaves, but milk mixed with honey. Seeing the white milk, I became flustered again. He, who had been looking down at the white milk just like me, silently took the teacup I offered and gulped down the milk.
“It’s sweet.”
“It has honey in it.”
“Perfect for a child’s palate.”
The man before me was also included in that child’s palate. He drank the sweet milk well enough.
Holding the silver tray, I read the room for a moment and then stood slightly next to him. He didn’t tell me to get lost. He didn’t even give me a glance, as if he had no interest.
Silence lingered in the hallway where only the two of us remained. It was quiet. However, it wasn’t uncomfortable. Perhaps it was because his appearance, enjoying the sweet treat, overlapped with old memories.
“What did you say your name was?”
“Pardon?”
“Your name.”
“Ah, I told you last time as well, but perhaps you don’t remember.”
“Last time?”
His voice turned fierce. I quickly shook my head, indicating it wasn’t *that* last time.
That day, I couldn’t dare to answer his fierce question asking who I was and only read the room. I was able to escape only after Joelli, who had been laughing heartily for a while, permitted me to leave.
“I-I greeted you before that.”
“……”
“We met about twice and I greeted you.”
“Do I have to remember every single one?”
It somehow reeked of sarcasm, but I was surprised for a different reason. He was acting as if he truly couldn’t remember meeting me twice.
Normally, I heard that once people saw my face, they couldn’t forget it. They’d frown and say that because I was so ugly, the exact opposite of Alicia, it made me even more memorable.
I thought for sure he had been surprised seeing my face too.
“You… don’t remember?”
“Because you didn’t stand out.”
“Are you talking about me?”
“Who else is here besides you?”
The voice that returned was cold. Since that problematic day, he had revealed his emotions to me. Usually annoyance, and now even irritation.
But I was truly baffled. Was he pretending not to know on purpose?
No, what was contained in his sullen emerald eyes was indifference. Only then did I realize. He just had no interest in me. Enough to easily forget the face of a servant he’d seen twice.
I felt strange. I didn’t know whether I should feel bitter at the rudeness of meeting someone and then forgetting them, or be grateful for his attitude of not treating me as anything special.
Still, considering what happened last time, him going along with my out-of-the-blue dessert offer so it wouldn’t be awkward was Vincent’s own way of being considerate. Even though he’s so prickly while doing it.
Even though time had passed, he hadn’t changed.
“Did you say… Ann?”
But what came out of his mouth wasn’t my name. I hesitated to answer. It was a name I had told him twice, but for some reason, I didn’t want to answer now. Even though it wasn’t my real name, I couldn’t say it wasn’t, so I chose silence.
“Remember it.”
It didn’t seem like he meant to remember it in a good way.
I stole a glance at him eating the rest of the cake deliciously. His emerald eyes held a distinct gleam, and his peaceful face showed no suffering. His eyes can really see now. Even though I had confirmed it several times, it was amazing every time I saw it.
Perhaps sensing my constant glances, he slightly frowned. It seemed like he was telling me to turn my eyes away. I quickly looked down at the floor.
“Did the nanny go out?”
“Yes. She went to the main house early in the morning. She occasionally goes out to the main house when she has some business.”
“Is it frequent?”
“Recently, yes.”
“How is Robert? Is there anything he finds uncomfortable in his daily life?”
“Yes. He’s doing well.”
“Does he still look for his mother a lot?”
I, who had been answering right away, paused. Did he happen to hear the conversation I had with Robert that time? I nodded a little late.
“He doesn’t show it much, though.”
“Because showing it doesn’t change anything.”
A familiar phrase. I had heard it from the nanny last time as well.
Actually, Robert wasn’t the type to throw tantrums about missing his mother. Even when he was with the nanny, he would chatter a lot, but he never showed such feelings. Last time, after getting scolded by the nanny for going into the forest, I explained why he had acted that way. Even the fact that Robert was missing his mother.
Then, the nanny smiled bitterly.
‘It’s because he doesn’t show it well. He doesn’t show it because even if he does, he can’t meet her.’
She said he threw a lot of tantrums when he was younger. But since throwing tantrums didn’t make his wishes come true, such expressions gradually decreased.
He should just say he misses her. Throwing tantrums is more childlike. But this young child was also a noble. He lived within the strictness of noble society. Perhaps Robert was a more mature child than I thought.
‘If he says he misses her, please listen to him a lot.’
The nanny had made that request to me.
“Still… he is doing well.”
“I wonder. If he were doing well, he wouldn’t climb up on the mounting block to look outside.”
So he knew that too. He had more interest in Robert than I thought.
“What do you think?”
“About what?”
“Do you think there’s a way for Robert not to miss his mother?”
I rolled my eyes for a moment. It was a question I couldn’t easily answer.
But I know the answer.
“Is there someone you miss?”
“…Why do you ask that.”
“Wouldn’t it be the same depth?”
“……”
The depth of longing stems from affection for the other person. Robert loves his mother very much. Therefore, there is no such thing as a way to forget that longing. Even if you can temporarily divert his attention elsewhere, forgetting it completely is impossible.
“I think if he could easily forget it, he wouldn’t be missing her in the first place.”
It’s also an issue that can’t be forced.
Because emotions are like that. Even if it’s not just pure joy, even if it wasn’t wanted, you can’t just throw away something that pierces your heart at your own discretion. That’s why it’s complicated, troublesome, and also difficult.
“I don’t think it will be light just because it’s not visible.”
He is right. Not showing it doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss her. Just as no one knows the struggle of clambering up a mounting block with short legs, no one can fathom the longing Robert hides. Rather, the emotions hidden away tightly might be even deeper.
Because what is visible isn’t everything.