# 51
51. The Count's Secret Maid (4)
"I'm not throwing you away. I'm trying to put you somewhere safe for a while."
"That is throwing me away."
"I'm not."
I shook my head. I couldn't believe it. What if he forgets me after leaving me somewhere? What if he feels relieved that he got rid of a nuisance? I couldn't be certain. I couldn't trust his words. He was someone who wanted to drive me away from the start. He might be using this incident as an opportunity to send me off. That's how insignificant a servant's value was to their superiors.
If he ordered me, I couldn't refuse. I knew that, but even knowing it, what I hated I hated. I didn't want to be left alone. I shook my head and tried to pull my captured hand free. I didn't want to hear any more.
He grabbed my hand tightly as I tried to slip away. Then he pulled my hand and drew me into his arms. The distance that had stretched between us suddenly closed, and my body fell into his embrace. His arms wrapped around my back as he held me tight.
I buried my face against his chest. I could hear a pounding heartbeat near my ear. Trembling with anxiety. Both I, and he.
"Trust me. I won't throw you away."
He whispered low by my ear.
"I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. But it'll be difficult. So at the very least, I want to keep you from getting caught up in it. If you stay by my side, I can't protect you. So... I'm trying to send you somewhere safe."
"……."
"I'll bring you back to my side. Definitely."
"……."
"Promise me."
His hoarse voice trembled. He made the vow as if to soothe me.
Vincent was right. If the person who stabbed Lucas saw me, it was true that I was in danger. Living came before dying. He was trying to protect me. Knowing that, knowing his sincerity so well, I could no longer say no.
"Do you remember when I told you to stay by my side?"
"……Yes."
"Protect me too."
My face contorted at those words, but I forced the corners of my mouth up. A weak laugh slipped out. I raised both hands and grabbed his back. Then I hugged him tightly.
"You really mustn't forget me."
"Yeah."
"If you forget, I'll follow you around for the rest of my life even as a ghost."
"Alright."
Laughter sounded by my ear. Afraid he might take it as a joke, I emphasized once more.
"I mean it."
"I know."
Saying so, Vincent turned his head. The wind blowing from beyond the window ruffled his hair. I leaned my face against his chest again. I couldn't even blink properly, afraid my tears might soak through to his chest.
We stayed like that for a long time. Somewhere inside, I had a premonition. That this was a real farewell.
* * *
Preparations proceeded quickly. Vincent instructed Isabella to ensure I could get to the Nobels' villa as swiftly as possible.
There was nothing for me to do in the meantime. Just attend to him as usual, or stay holed up in my room. After that day, Ethan didn't come, and the mansion without even Lucas felt dead and empty.
Perhaps that was why my mind kept going blank. Holding the mop handle as I cleaned the floor, staring vacantly out the window, Vincent suddenly spoke.
"Shall we take a walk?"
It was a sudden proposal. Perhaps sensing my bewildered look, Vincent added that the weather was nice. For him to say such a thing, he had been gradually returning to a healthy lifestyle lately.
"You don't want to?"
"No. Let's go."
I finished mopping the floor and put away the cleaning tools. After helping him prepare to go out, I brought his cane. Recently, he had been practicing walking on his own with the support of his cane. He used the cane to tap around and sense what was ahead beforehand. So I handed him the cane this time as well, but he set it aside and abruptly held out his hand.
"Why your hand?"
"You need to support me."
"Me?"
"Yes, you."
He flexed his hand once. It felt like he was urging me to hurry and grab it, so I happily took his hand.
Holding his hand and leading him reminded me of our walks before. Given the recent circumstances, let alone walking, I hadn't even been able to read. Naturally, I hadn't enjoyed teatime either.
"The forest again, I see."
"There's nowhere else to go."
"I suppose so."
He gazed straight ahead blankly. Though he couldn't see, he seemed to enjoy the outdoor energy, textures, and sounds he experienced during the walk.
Walking along the path stretching deep into the forest, I asked.
"What's at the end of this path?"
"A wall, I'd assume."
"Just a wall?"
"Just a wall."
"Just a wall……
Even walking like this, all we can see is a wall. The words that came out like a mutter left a dry taste in my mouth. The end of the path he bravely strode down, struggling every step of the way despite his blindness, was a dead-end wall. It felt like my own future.
I grew needlessly melancholic and hung my head low. For a while, no words passed between him and me. Then he suddenly tugged my hand.
"Shall we go back to that place again?"
"Where?"
"The place you said was so pretty you wanted to jump right in."
A place so pretty I wanted to jump right in……
"The flower bed where white flowers were blooming abundantly?"
Vincent nodded.
"Do you remember where it is?"
"Roughly."
"Then let's go."
He said it readily, but I hesitated a little. It was because Lucas, who had led us to that flower bed, came to mind. I still vividly remembered his face, swollen with excitement to show me that place. And that moment when his face contorted.
A suffocating terror welled up again. When I didn't answer, he gripped my hand tightly.
"Calm down."
"B-but."
"He must have taken you there hoping you'd be happy. So that even after he's gone, you, who will remain in this mansion, could go there anytime to find comfort. Honor that feeling."
"How do you know that?"
"Because he's that kind of guy."
Vincent forced a smile. But it was a gentle smile. His face, which had finally gained some flesh, looked good now.
"Let's go. I want to go now."
"Yes, let's."
I was ultimately persuaded by his words. I held his hand firmly and turned around. I took slow, heavy steps. Even though we were just going to see a flower bed deep in the forest, I felt strangely afraid. So my steps grew slower and slower, but he followed behind me without complaint.
We went deep into the forest where there was no path. Pushing aside branches, walking over uneven ground. Since there was no clear path, I had to rely on memory.
As we went deep into the forest like that, the white flower bed came into view. The flower bed was still lush and beautiful, as if time had stopped there.
"We're here."
"I can tell. The smell of grass has gotten strong."
"Don't people usually say it's a nice smell?"
He just shrugged at my words. He displayed the haughtiness of someone saying, 'I think so, so who's going to argue?' Actually, his familiar attitude put me at ease. I let out a short laugh and led him into the flower bed.
Petals fluttered lightly in the wind. It was pretty, like falling snow. As I tilted my head back, the petals that had risen on the wind poured down like snow.
"Something fell."
"Petals. They're falling like snow."
Vincent brushed off the petals that had landed on his shoulder and head. There was no emotion on his sullen face. What an emotionally barren person.
"At times like this, you should say it's pretty."
"Is it pretty?"
"Yes. It's very pretty."
"If you say so, then it's fine."
I looked at him in puzzlement. He still had that sullen expression. He wasn't looking around or enjoying the sensations like when we walked the forest path. So... I finally realized. He hadn't really wanted to come here.
"Don't tell me you're going to say you came here for my sake?"
"Since that day, you've looked horribly listless."
"Why?"
It wasn't asking why I looked that way. It was asking why he was suddenly being so kind. Why do you care? It's not like you.
Vincent slowly let go of my hand. Then he faced me. Even though he couldn't see me, he directed his gaze precisely at me. I could see myself reflected in his emerald eyes. As if he could see me standing one step away, his eyes didn't waver.
The bangs that had been frustratingly covering his eyes were swept apart by the wind. My two confused eyes were revealed. White petals fluttered down, crossing between him and me.
"Are you scared?"
He asked. Normally, I would have asked what he meant.
But I knew what he was asking.
"I'm scared."
"Me too."
My eyes went wide. I thought he'd mock me for being a coward, but an unexpected answer came back.
As if knowing I'd be flustered, he let out a short laugh.
"When you're flustered, you stop talking."
"……."
Just as he said, I grew even more flustered and my words stuck.
While I was stuttering, he stopped laughing and held out his hand. A white petal fell onto his palm. He curled his hand, felt the petal, then opened it again and let it fly in the wind. The petal from him hit my hand and tickled my skin.
"Soon I may have to publicly announce my condition. It means the time will come when I must get used to someone swinging a knife at me or shooting a gun. It might even be better that way. Sometimes words can kill people more brutally."
"……."
"I knew I couldn't live like this forever. I'm a Count. I can't keep staying cooped up in my room. There are many people I must take responsibility for. But, it wasn't easy to accept. It's true that I'm scared. Even now, when I think about having to appear before people, my hands and feet tremble. Pathetic, isn't it?"
"……You're not pathetic."
"Even if it's pathetic, it can't be helped. That's the kind of person I am."
He said it plainly, but the meaning contained in those words was not light at all. It was so heavy it could crush my chest. I couldn't even dare to fathom the weight of responsibility he carried. He was truly a great person, someone I had to tilt my head back to look up at. Proving that, his body, having gained more flesh than before, looked dependable.
Unlike me, who hadn't been able to live properly since Lucas was attacked, Vincent was composed. He acted as if what happened was something he had been waiting for. I knew he had been preparing to go outside his room lately. Eating alone, washing, changing clothes, planting his feet on the floor, standing and taking steps all by himself.
He was practicing living on his own.
Of course, even then, if I weren't there, another maid or footman would attend to him, but there would be times he'd have to step forward himself. Facing opponents he couldn't see, having to read their true intentions. He was preparing for that time.
I wasn't the only one who was scared. He must be scared too. But even while afraid, he was not someone who could simply retreat. That was why he was striving the hardest and preparing the most in this very moment.
"If it's too hard, it's okay to let go of one thing."
"What nonsense."
"I'm saying you don't have to try so hard for my sake."
"Who said I was trying for your sake?"
He tilted his head as if he'd heard something he hadn't. His face scrunched slightly too. No, why break the mood so suddenly when things were going so well?