3. Love Letter (19)
The hills in this forest were quite steep. With average stamina, it would be hard to walk up. I gathered my cumbersome skirt in one hand and stepped forward. Though I wore lower-heeled shoes than usual, climbing through the forest in this outfit was no easy feat.
After struggling uphill for quite a while, I finally reached my destination. It was a place where an X mark was carved into a tree trunk. I traced the mark with my hand.
I buried my younger siblings beneath this.
It started with the youngest. The baby, barely newborn, breathed her last without any resistance in our father's hands. I held the youngest in my arms, not knowing what to do. I was too young to understand anything. I thought that holding the youngest, whose body was growing colder, would warm her up. But the youngest never let out a single cry.
I thought I couldn't just leave the youngest like this. So in the middle of the night, I carried her and climbed the forest behind the village. With a face covered in tears, I went deep into a place no one could find. Then I dug the ground under a suitable tree and buried the youngest. I was afraid wild animals might dig her up, so I dug very deep, my fingernails wearing away and getting filthy, but I didn't care.
"I wish we could have given her a proper funeral."
If we had, maybe at least one villager would have looked in on this place. Back then, I could only think about hiding my siblings from our father. In a place no one had visited for a long time, only dust and dry leaves rolled about sorrowfully.
"You've been waiting a long time."
I bent down and swept the dry ground with my hand. Then I laid my body down flat on the floor. The chill of the rough dirt floor seeped into my cheek. My clothes would get dirty, but I didn't care. I closed my eyes and carefully stroked the ground.
"I haven't forgotten you."
I couldn't forget. And I shouldn't forget. I just never had the chance to come here. With the distance, it was difficult unless I made a deliberate effort to come. And during that time, I was so busy adapting to a new environment that I couldn't find the opportunity to visit.
"You know, I've found someone I love. I came to Filton with him, but I couldn't bring myself to bring him all the way here yet. But he's a good person. He treats me well and makes me feel genuinely loved. Someday I want to show him to you too."
If a day came when I could muster a bit more courage, I wanted to introduce Vincent to my siblings. Then they would be so happy. They might have pestered me, asking how someone so handsome could be my boyfriend, demanding to know how that happened.
"I've also gained a new family. One older brother, someone who's been through similar experiences as me. He can be mischievous and absurd at times, but he still cherishes me. If you were here, you definitely would have liked him even more."
The large and silent Christopher mansion would probably have echoed with the laughter and voices of my siblings. Ethan treated me so well that it made me wonder if this was what a real family felt like. Sometimes he gave his heart so generously that it felt almost too much to deserve. Perhaps because we had both experienced the pain of losing our families, we both tried harder to create a more proper family shape.
"I've also made friends. She told me she loves me, which was a bit bewildering, but I know she's a good person. Thanks to her, I have no time to feel lonely. Besides her, there are many people who treat me well."
I told my siblings about each person I had met. If the opportunity arose, I wanted to show all of them to my siblings. How overwhelming would it feel to introduce new connections, reminisce about the past, and share happiness?
Tears were streaming from my eyes before I knew it.
"I'm really living well."
So well that I wondered if I was allowed to be this happy.
"I'm sorry."
And so I felt sorry. For not being able to give this happiness to my siblings, for having it all to myself. Sometimes I have this thought. If my siblings were alive, wouldn't they have met people they loved and been enjoying happiness by now? Even if their immediate life was like hell, wouldn't they have found small hopes within it? The future they never got to experience somehow painted itself beautifully in my mind. Because life had been nothing but unhappy, it only felt more sorrowful.
I missed my siblings. It wasn't that I didn't long for them. But no matter how much I longed, I couldn't see them. That fact poked and prodded at my heart. The familiar pain bound me. As always, I steadied my breathing and let that pain flow away endlessly.
I sat up and took a string from my coat's inner pocket. The violet embroidered on the round corner fluttered in the air. This was a hair tie I had exchanged for bread a long time ago. After getting it back from Vincent, I had kept it preciously. The once-white fabric had yellowed, and it was too worn for a noble lady to use, but it was the only remaining item from when I used to be 'Paula.' I discarded everything else and kept only this.
I picked a flower blooming nearby and wrapped the string around its stem. Then I tied a ribbon and placed it on the ground where my siblings were buried. Just like when I buried them long ago.
"Don't worry. I'll be with you too."
I would be buried here when I died. That was a fact that wouldn't change even if I entered the Bellunita family. I couldn't leave my siblings here alone. Since I couldn't be with them in life, I had to stay by their side in death. That was a resolution I had held onto for a very long time.
"Wait for me until then."
I stroked the ground where my siblings lay for a long time before standing up. Leaving this place felt heavy. In my heart, I wanted to leave together with my siblings.
Unlike going up, my steps going down through the forest were slow. As I descended the path that somehow felt long, I saw a stranger in the middle of the forest. A white-haired old woman was crouching on one side of the woods.
I recognized who she was immediately. She was someone I had seen during my days living in Filton. I had heard the village women gossip about how she was brilliant and rose to a high position at a young age, but chose love and came to Filton. The women said they couldn't understand her choice to abandon a wealthy life and become ordinary, but she herself looked happy. Before I left this place, her mind had been starting to slip, and now she seemed completely lost in mind, sitting hunched over with a foolish smile.
I looked around. No one was there. It seemed she was alone.
"Grandmother, it's too dangerous here."
"Oh? That tiny little girl from back then?"
She opened her narrow eyes wide and recognized me. None of the villagers had recognized me, but this old woman with a slipping mind somehow remembered me.
"That's right. Do you remember me?"
"I remember. The kid with the tiny body who lived so hard."
The old woman, when her mind was sound unlike now, was a very blunt person. She didn't express emotions well, and her way of speaking was curt. So they said the women avoided her. She was a difficult person for me too, but on the other hand, she was someone who treated me without prejudice. I had once overheard her evaluating me as a diligent kid who ran about busily despite my tiny body. At those missed words, I smiled with joy.
"Why are you here alone?"
"Ung, to see pretty flowers."
She shook the flower in her hand this way and that.
"Did you come to see your sibling?"
"Yes. Do you remember my siblings?"
"Of course. Those poor children. Such pitiful children."
I looked at her with a bitter smile and bent my body. The old woman smiled brightly and greeted me happily. Her face was deeply wrinkled, but her beaming expression was like a fresh young girl. Plus, with her hair braided in two pigtails, she looked cute.
"Then did you see the other sibling too?"
"Pardon?"
"She passed by just now. That wicked girl."
Wicked girl? I mulled over the old woman's words and abruptly stood up. Then I raised my head along the path I had come down. No way.... The moment the thought struck me, I was already climbing back up to where my siblings were buried. My footsteps were rougher than before, and I gasped for breath. Stumbling up the sloped hill, I soon reached the tree with the X mark.
I immediately looked around. But nowhere could I see a human figure. I looked around frantically like a crazy person in the quiet space where not even a small presence could be felt. No way, could that child... could Alicia have come? But no matter where I looked, I couldn't find any trace of Alicia.
As my panting breath subsided, my mind cleared a bit. Maybe the old woman saw wrong. This situation suddenly felt hollow. That couldn't be. Didn't I ask to be sent as far away as possible? Besides, Alicia had never visited even once, despite me telling her about this place's existence.
My ankle throbbed from running up. I had done something unnecessary. I took a step to go back down. Then, for a moment, I looked at where my siblings were buried.
'Ah.'
The hair tie was gone. That was when—
Rustle—
I quickly turned around at the unfamiliar noise. Still, I couldn't find any trace of a person nearby. But strangely, my eyes were drawn toward where the sound came from. Even though there was clearly nothing there. Without realizing, I took a step in that direction, then stopped.
What would I even do now? If Alicia did come, would I meet her again? That day I survived the brink of death at the Bellunita household, I bid her farewell. With the resolve to never see her again, I showed her final mercy and let her go. For us to live our remaining lives even a little happily, we must never meet again.
I turned my step in the opposite direction. Then I looked back again. Only the densely overgrown forest met my eyes. I swept my gaze over the place once and turned away. It felt like a gaze on my back, but it must have been my imagination.
As I went down, the old woman was still sitting in the same spot. She waved at me when she saw me.
"Did you meet the wicked girl?"
"No."
I shook my head. Then I smiled faintly.
"But it's okay."
Even if we didn't meet, as long as she was alive. I crouched down again. The old woman was still beaming at the flower in her hand. I recalled the story she had told me long ago when I was secretly crying.
"Grandmother. You said a worthwhile life is like light shining down in the darkness. Were there ever moments of value in my life here, like light shining down?"
I only starved, lost, and was hurt. Did my hellish life ever shine? Then the old woman tilted her head. She probably didn't understand my words. I wondered what I was doing talking to someone whose mind wasn't whole. As I reached out my hand to lead her down with a bitter smile—
"Remember? There was a big fire."
"Pardon?"
"Adam's house burned down completely. Adam was stomping his feet in distress."
Ah, I remember. It was a very long time ago. To ward off the cold, someone had briefly lit a fire, and while they stepped away for a moment, a spark carried by the wind spread, and the fire engulfed Adam's house in an instant. Adam's wife, who had just returned from doing laundry, discovered this and screamed.
'The baby is inside the house!'
Unfortunately, the baby taking a nap was still inside the house. The fire raged in an instant, and the wife wailed and cried for help.
"That tiny girl threw a swaddle over herself and ran in."
That's right. I was near Adam's house and heard her scream first. The moment I heard that sound, I grabbed a swaddle from the laundry area without knowing whose it was, threw it over myself, and ran into the burning house. I wasn't in my right mind then. Filled only with the thought that I had to save the baby immediately, I didn't even feel the heat of the fire.
"And saved the baby. Though I burned all my hair off."
I was able to find the baby before the fire reached her. But the flames were so fierce that getting out was difficult. Because I had wrapped the baby in the swaddle, when I rolled out, my clothes and hair caught fire and it was a chaos. Fortunately, the fire was quickly put out, but I had to go around with short hair for a while since my hair was completely singed.
"That child is getting married this time."
"Really? To whom?"
"A kid from the next village. A really kind kid."
"That's good news."
People living in Filton were poor, so they tended to marry early to reduce one mouth to feed. It felt like just yesterday they were toddling around, and they were already getting married. I thought time really flew by.
"If that tiny girl hadn't saved that child then, she couldn't have gotten married. She would have died. Then she couldn't have become a couple with such a kind kid. She's really kind. She even gave me bread."
The old woman mumbled that it was very delicious bread and rambled on with explanations. I blinked at her words.
"To that child, the tiny girl was the light."
I blankly listened to the old woman's words. The old woman held out the flower in her hand to me. I quietly looked at the flower, then reached out and accepted it. The old woman smiled brightly at me.
"But when is the girl coming?"
As if her earlier demeanor was a lie, the old woman lost her mind again. Grabbing my arm and pestering me about when she was coming, I could feel the sincerity of her worry for me from long ago. I smiled at the old woman as if about to cry.
"She's not coming anymore."
"She's not coming?"
"Yes. She left on a night when the moon rose beautifully."
The day I sent my siblings away, the woman who was trampled by her father, begged from others, and lived only in unhappiness also left. Just as she had once wished, she left holding her siblings' hands, finding happiness.
"She went far, far away with her siblings."
Just like that, the woman named 'Paula' disappeared forever from this world.
"Is she happy now?"
"Yes. She says she's happy."
"That's a relief. She worked so hard. She really went through so much."
The old woman repeated only that it was a relief. I didn't expect to hear such words from someone who knew me. I quietly looked down at the flower in my hand. My chest burned with emotion, and I couldn't muster a reply.
"Then who are you, miss?"
"I'm...."
I twirled the flower and lifted my head.
"Just a passerby."
At my words, the old woman opened her eyes wide and grinned. Facing her, who welcomed and congratulated me, I could finally smile with joy too. I reached out my hand to the old woman. She willingly took my hand.
We walked down the forest, holding hands side by side. The old woman kept talking as she followed me down.
"Then you have to be happy too, miss. Understand?"
"Yes, I will."
"You promise? You absolutely have to be happy?"
"Yes. I will definitely be happy."
I answered her and willingly made the promise. That I would be happy, and that I would strive to be happy in the future too.
More than anyone else.