# 127
127. The Maid Stands Before the Secret (6)
"You want to condemn me, don't you. But do you know what's funny? You're worse than I am. I never gave them affection, but what about you? You acted sweet when you couldn't even protect them properly. And then when it was time to be sold off, you coldly turned away. Isn't that right?"
"…Stop it."
"What do you think those children were thinking? The only older sister they relied on, turning her back on them at the most crucial moment…."
"Stop! I said stop!"
I covered my ears with both hands and curled up. It felt as if my chest had been hacked to pieces. As if someone had pulled out what lay inside and whispered to me. Look at this, this is your ugly heart. The surging emotions finally forced tears to spill from my eyes.
"Sister, sister."
The phantoms of my younger siblings surrounded me. The legs of the dead fourth and youngest swayed before my eyes. The second wrapped her pale arms around my body.
"You probably think I'm pitiful. I must seem stupid to you, like a child living in the world knowing nothing. But do you know what? I pity you. You, who were sold to Gold Flower and yet returned home, are more pitiful than the dead children. You, who couldn't even run away together knowing the others would die, are the most pitiful bitch of all."
The truth pierced me like a blade. I couldn't make any reply. Alicia knelt before me and grabbed my trembling hands.
"Sister. You're not going to kill me too like the others, right? Hmm?"
She whispered in a gentle voice, unlike before.
"I only have you left now. You know that, right?"
"…I can't. I can't do such a thing."
"Really? Then try telling that man. Tell him proudly that this ugly, wretched woman is the one he searched for so desperately. But I'm curious too—would that man still care for you when he learns the person he was looking for is a woman like this!"
When I couldn't say anything, Alicia snorted as if she'd expected as much. Then she shook off my hand as if touching something filthy.
"Leave before that man called Count Christopher arrives. Understand?"
"…."
Having said her piece, Alicia rose and turned away. Even as Alicia's footsteps grew distant until I could no longer hear them, I couldn't move. I couldn't refute what Alicia had said. Because I lacked the confidence to reveal my existence to him proudly.
The misery that endlessly streamed down fell drop by drop onto the floor, leaving traces behind.
* * *
I feared the night. The night that settled with darkness and silence brought a loneliness as if I were the only one left in the world. And that darkness and silence birthed various phantoms.
Every night, my dead siblings came to find me. Sometimes laughing, sometimes crying, sometimes vomiting blood, they whispered to me. Why did you do it, how could you turn your back on us and live on alone.
The nightmares were vicious and at times unbearably agonizing. Every moment, I wanted to die. At such times, being crushed beneath my father's hands seemed like a way to atone for my sins.
'A bitch who survived by eating her own flesh and blood.'
I had to remember my sins. My life was built upon someone's sacrifice. Even if my life reached its end, I must never forget my sins.
Five years ago, when death came before me, I ultimately survived by sacrificing others. That sin became a nightmare and suffocated me.
I was afraid of being alone. So I went to find my family. When I heard the news that the demon bastard had died, along with the emptiness, this thought crossed my mind. Now it's my turn. Then who would know of my death. When I came to my senses, I was clinging to my one remaining sibling and living on.
Ethan, whom I met again, didn't condemn me. He must have known that I had abandoned the dying Lucas and fled, yet he didn't question me about that sin. He treated me more kindly than before, no, more gently than back then.
But deep down, hadn't he resented me? Didn't he want to condemn me for running away alone, for saying that if I had taken proper action then, maybe we could have saved him? His kindness sometimes frightened me.
'That's right. Just as Ethan said, my coming here might be fate. Heaven is trying to punish me for surviving while turning away from the deaths of the people I cherished.'
I'd rather someone condemn me. Then wouldn't this heavy heart feel a little lighter? Even in this moment, I end up having selfish thoughts.
"Anne. Are you feeling unwell?"
When I sat there blankly, the wet nurse asked with concern. I snapped to my senses and shook my head. My bangs, grown long enough to cover my eyes, swayed before me.
"No. I just couldn't sleep well last night, so I'm a bit dazed."
"My. Try to bear with it a little and get some shut-eye."
The wet nurse said kindly. I needlessly organized the dishes scattered on the table. Because Joelly slept in, Robert had his lunch in the room.
As the wet nurse spooned soup for Robert, she continued speaking.
"Come to think of it, I heard Anne's sibling knew the Count from long ago? Did you know that too?"
"…I didn't know."
Every word pierced my throat like a thorn. I was afraid my lies would show. The conversation I had with Alicia dizzied my mind.
That day, long after Alicia left, I finally came to my senses and as soon as morning broke, I sought out another servant. It was the maid who had fought with Ethan on his first day at this mansion. I grabbed her as she expressed her irritation and demanded to know about the rumors.
'That the master here is searching for some woman? Of course I've heard it. There were even some who came trying to cash in on that rumor. Well, I suppose you were tempted too.'
She laughed as she looked me up and down. I couldn't say anything. Was Vincent really searching for me? Something I had never even imagined. No, something I couldn't even imagine. Did he, like I couldn't forget him, also couldn't forget me?
But I couldn't reveal everything now. The moment I did, I knew without looking what would happen to Alicia. She might seem merely sweet-tempered, but I knew well their hidden side. I couldn't push Alicia into the mire with my own hands.
Whether the rumor that Alicia had been embraced by Vincent crying circulated through the mansion, a few servants unable to contain their curiosity asked about that day's events, but I couldn't give any answer. Johnny also came with a face full of curiosity, but upon seeing my face, she closed her mouth.
Each day felt like walking on a bed of thorns. Not knowing when something would erupt, I was anxious and uneasy every moment, startled by even small noises. With my nerves stretched to their limit, normal life became difficult. Is this how a condemned person feels? Several times a day I wanted to flee this place.
But unlike me, Alicia confidently approached Vincent. Her face following him, calling "Master, Master," looked joyful. Vincent only gave her a fleeting glance without showing any particular reaction, but neither did he stop Alicia. I didn't know what passed between the two, but in any case, Alicia's confidence grew by the day.
Once, I was called to the drawing room where they had gathered, on the grounds that I was Alicia's older sister. The topic that day was what I had said five years ago. Alicia casually smiled and spouted lies with a face that showed nothing, and I wanted to die. Every time I felt their gazes, I bowed my head deeply like a sinner. Not fleeing the room was the best I could do.
This was a ridiculous farce no matter who saw it.
Lies that would soon be discovered. When Ethan came, everything would end immediately. He would never, ever let this pass quietly.
I was afraid of that. So I tried to persuade Alicia several times, but each time Alicia instead said that if only I were gone, she'd be fine, and pressured me to leave quickly.
We only repeated meaningless conversations. Neither of us backed down. As the probationary period decreased day by day, my guilt only grew, and every night I suffered from vicious nightmares. My siblings condemned my complacency, and Lucas glared at me with resentment. Whether I closed my eyes or opened them, they surrounded me.
Am I going mad again.
"Well. Since you said you tried to hide it, it's possible Anne didn't know either."
The wet nurse's words didn't reach my ears. Even now, I saw Lucas's phantom. The blood he spilled spread in a circle on the floor, seeming about to touch me. Seeing the vivid red blood, a wave of nausea surged up. As I clutched my suffocating chest, a small face suddenly appeared before me.
"Does it hurt?"
Robert blinked and fumbled for my hand that was clutching my chest. I hastily pulled my hand away and smiled broadly.
"No. It doesn't hurt."
"Really?"
"Yes."
I smiled, saying I was really fine, but Robert's face was filled with worry. The wet nurse behind him asked if I was feeling very unwell. I was about to say no when Robert patted my cheek. The small, gentle touch almost made me cry right then and there. I abruptly stood up.
"I'll go fetch new water."
I fled the room in a rush. Only when I was alone could I calm my anxious heart a little. I leaned against the wall for a moment, rubbing my stinging eyes, then walked down the corridor. But it was only after coming down to the kitchen that I realized I had left the water pitcher behind. What am I doing right now.
I stared blankly at my empty hands, then went back up the stairs. Upon reaching the first floor, I grabbed the railing and turned around—then froze. Vincent was walking toward me from the opposite direction.
He slowly gave me his gaze. I flinched and turned my head away. Suppressing my anxiously racing heart, I hesitated over whether to pretend I didn't know him and flee.
Since that day, I had been avoiding Vincent. When he came to see Robert, I would busy myself and leave the room, and even when he gave me a glance, I pretended not to see. When we occasionally shared the same space, I kept my head bowed deeply, and when he spoke to me, I replied only briefly.
I couldn't bring myself to face Vincent.
The rumor that he was searching for some woman might truly be a false rumor. Or perhaps the woman he was searching for wasn't me. Alicia might have been mistaken, or Lennica might have lied to me.
I hadn't heard the truth about the rumor directly from his lips. Alicia had pretended to be me first, but that couldn't serve as an answer to whether he had been searching for me.
But if he really had been searching for me, how should I describe this subtle emotion? Resentful, grateful, and also sorry—various emotions were mixed together, impossible to express precisely. And with such complicated feelings, I couldn't bring myself to face him.
I should have faced Ethan properly when he suggested I be honest, back then.
I bowed toward him as he approached closely. Vincent stood before me, quietly watching me. I fidgeted with both hands, enduring his uncomfortable gaze.
"If you have nothing to say, I'll take my leave."
"Why do you keep avoiding me?"
The voice he dropped was full of discontent. I carefully parted my lips.
"I haven't avoided you."
"You just did."
"I didn't."
"I believe I told you not to bow your head."
He had said that. But I didn't want to raise my head. I refused his words with silence. Amidst the discomfort that continued again, I heard approaching footsteps. The moment his hand grabbed my shoulder, I jumped and struck it away.
Slap! The sound rang out quite clearly. Vincent, holding up one hand with a startled expression, came into my view. Having retreated two steps, I realized what I had done and quickly bowed my head.