102. The Still-Strange Guest (16)
When I realized I had returned to House Bellunita, the emotions that washed over me were manifold. Surprise, fear, relief, and sorrow. I was surprised by the sudden return, fearful that someone might recognize and harm me, relieved that the one who had threatened me was gone, and sorrowful.
I was sorrowful to meet Vincent and learn of Lucas's death, and sorrowful that he did not recognize me. In truth, I knew it well. That I had left nothing behind in this place. And that was truly sorrowful.
But of course, it was only natural.
'Did you ever wonder whether Vincent would forget or remember Paula?'
The reason I hadn't pondered that question deeply was that I already knew the answer. I know my place well enough not to dream beautiful dreams. I held no expectations that a mere maid would have remained a significant presence here. And yet, it seemed a corner of my heart had hoped otherwise. I suppose I did...
I suppose I wanted you to remember me just as I remembered you. And so, I suppose I was sorrowful. It was bitter, embarrassing, and resentful...
But Vincent did remember me.
I couldn't contain the emotions erupting from deep within my chest. Was it overwhelming emotion? Was it gratitude? I didn't quite know. Not knowing, I simply let it out. I stifled my voice, shed my tears, and just tried to let these feelings wash over me.
"Are you alright?"
"...Yeah."
I sniffled and wiped my damp cheeks. Just a moment ago, I had been sorrowful enough to die, but now I had calmed down somewhat. I rubbed my eyes vigorously with both hands.
This was the second time. Crying like this. After crying, I felt exceedingly embarrassed. That was because Johnny kept glancing at me, trying to read my mood.
"Why are you crying all of a sudden? You startled me. Did someone come in?"
"I don't know. I was just sad."
"What could be so sad to make you cry like that?"
"I guess I was just sad to be acting like this."
I gave a vague answer and quickly wiped away my tears. Doing so didn't erase the fact that I had cried, however. Johnny's constant staring made me feel self-conscious.
"Don't tell anyone I cried. Forget about today."
"Looks like you're embarrassed."
"Shut up."
When I glared at him fiercely, Johnny laughed. Glaring with a face that obviously showed I had been crying wouldn't be threatening to anyone. Even so, I didn't stop glaring, and Johnny eventually surrendered, saying he understood.
"You go out first. I'll leave once I've calmed down a bit more."
"Alright."
Perhaps sensing my embarrassment, Johnny tactfully rose to his feet. Even as he left, he kept throwing me glances, so I waved my hand, shooing him away.
The door clicked shut, and silence descended once more. I leaned against the bookshelf in a daze. I skimmed over the titles of the books before me, then closed my eyes.
From somewhere beyond the window, the sound of birds chirping drifted in. The scent of books tickled the tip of my nose. All of it served to calm my heart. I liked this kind of tranquility. It made even the most complicated thoughts fade away.
I steadied my breath, trying to cool my heated emotions. However, my face felt flush. It was undoubtedly red. I felt my cheek with the back of my hand and sniffled.
I sat there for a long time, soothing my heart. Once I had calmed down to a degree, I rose to my feet.
I weaved my way through the bookshelves and opened the door. I had been worried someone might be out there, but fortunately, the hallway was empty. Breathing a sigh of relief, I stepped out and carefully closed the door behind me.
I was hurrying down the corridor, just turning the corner, when someone suddenly jumped out at me. My hypersensitive heart nearly jumped out of my chest at the abrupt appearance.
"Ah!"
Before I could even register the figure before me, I was knocked flat to the floor. My heart plummeted. When I opened my tightly shut eyes again, my vision was blurred. I almost burst into tears again.
Clutching my racing heart, I scrambled against the floor. When I looked up, I met a pair of emerald eyes gazing down at me.
"……."
"……."
I quickly scanned him from head to toe. Then, I raised my gaze to examine his face. He, too, looked over me as I lay sprawled on the floor, then tilted his head. The slowly contorting expression etched itself clearly into my vision.
For a while, we simply stood there, exchanging glances. Then, he uttered a single phrase.
"What in the world..."
It was Vincent's voice, though it was unclear whether it was a question or a statement of certainty.
The very first thought that crossed my mind was this: Calm down. Even if I couldn't hide the dismay on my face, even if my eyes wandered through the air, I had to quell my pounding heart first.
However, my mind had grown feeble along with my racing heart. I hadn't even imagined he would appear so abruptly, and so I couldn't hide my panic.
Will he recognize me? He'll recognize me, won't he? I was terrified, and afraid.
"Where did you come from?"
"Ah, w-well, that is..."
"That is?"
"That is, ah... um... What brings the Master here?"
Even as I spoke, I knew this wasn't the right response. I had asked out of sheer wonderment, considering he had just been in Joely's room, but it wasn't strange for him to be here. He could have just stepped out of Joely's room, and since this was his mansion, it was only natural for its master to be inside it. Ah, I'm doomed. My forced smile was awkward. Vincent stared at me tenaciously.
A mere servant had dared to strut about the grand mansion. There were places here that servants were forbidden to enter, and areas where access was restricted depending on one's role. I had tried to avoid them, but the fact remained that I had been wandering around recklessly.
Hoo, am I going to be scolded? It terrified me that his face betrayed no reaction whatsoever. It felt like a warning not to even think about making excuses.
In the end, I dropped my smile and rose from the floor. Then, I quietly clasped my hands together and bowed deeply.
Sometimes surrender is necessary, and now was one of those times.
"I apologize, Master. I have never properly toured the mansion, you see."
"A sound."
Vincent cut off my words.
"I came because I heard a sound."
'Paula.'
The warm echo of that call reverberates in my ears. The faint remnants of my emotions threaten to surge up once more. I swallowed a breath in secret.
"There was no one over there just a moment ago. Where were you?"
"……."
"I am asking where you were."
"I was in a room."
"Which room were you in?"
"In a room near here... I was looking around the rooms in this area. I apologize for wandering about carelessly."
I couldn't confess to being the source of the sound he had heard, so I couldn't tell him I was in the study. I had hidden when he came in. To bring that up now... I couldn't do that.
In the span of a single blink, dozens of thoughts swirled in my head. Come to think of it, I wondered if Johnny had made it back safely.
"Were you alone?"
Vincent asked abruptly. When I fell silent, not understanding his intent, he continued.
"I passed by the study just a moment ago and heard a sound. A very strange sound. Startled, I went inside, only to find no one there. I couldn't sense any presence at all. I came out thinking it was just my imagination, but it was still so vivid in my ears that it kept nagging at me. You said you were looking around the rooms in this area? Then you must have gone in there as well."
"……."
"Did you not see anyone in there?"
His gentle tone seemed to soothe me, yet also seemed to conceal a sharp edge. However, the moment I realized the true meaning behind his words, the overwhelming emotions that had swelled in my chest fizzled out. I felt like letting out a hollow laugh.
You really don't think I'm that maid.
He doesn't suspect me. He doesn't doubt my identity, making my desperate efforts to hide my face out of fear seem pointless. Even as he suspects I might have been in that study just moments ago, he doesn't suspect who I am. Even though he remembers me, he doesn't think that person is 'me'. Rather, he thinks someone else must have been with me.
I knew he couldn't recognize me. It made sense. I had deceived him, after all; even I felt like I wouldn't be able to recognize myself.
And now, I realized that he would never recognize me.
You fool. This is a good thing, isn't it? It turned out exactly as you wanted. This should clearly be a relief, so why did it feel like plunging off a precipice? I smiled bitterly. Lord Ethan, you were right, but you were also wrong.
"...I didn't see anyone, nor did I hear any sound. Perhaps you misheard?"
"You didn't hear a presence, or any other sound?"
"No. I didn't hear anything."
"Are you certain? Perhaps you were with your sister."
Why was Alicia being brought up here? I found it strange, but I shook my head. His persistent questioning suddenly ceased, but he still hadn't dispelled his suspicions.
Feigning composure was easy. I swallowed my bitterness and lifted my head. Without any awkwardness in meeting his gaze, I put on an expression of a servant cautiously observing their lofty master. In times like this, one had to act all the more brazen. The thought that he would absolutely never recognize me somehow made it possible to look him straight in the eye.
"Would I dare speak falsely to you?"
And so, I could answer all the more calmly and firmly.
"When I entered, there was no one, and when I came out, I did not see you, Master. Since I left that room and went straight into another, the thought that you might have gone inside never even crossed my mind."
"……."
"Is there some sort of problem?"
I asked, feigning ignorance. He remained silent. He merely stared intently at my face. When I stared right back at him without backing down, he eventually lowered his gaze and turned his head toward the window. In that place where the white sunlight scattered, tree branches were swaying. It was so bright there, like another world entirely. His eyes took in the sight and gleamed with light.
But no emotion lay within them.
"Nothing."
"……."
"Right. It could have just been an auditory hallucination."
The soft, murmuring voice was frail. And then, his faintly smiling face looked particularly desolate. Why... does he smile like that? He can see now, and he's living the life of a Count as he originally did, so why does he smile like someone who has lost everything?
Under the bright rays of light, his once rough and gaunt face had filled out with a steadfast jawline, and his skeletal frame had grown handsomely robust. He was now undeniably a man larger than me. The kind of man who had no need for my help. And yet, at this moment, he looked like a man left all alone in the dark, just as he had been when he lost his sight.
"There are times when I can't tell if this is a dream or reality. Even as I breathe like this, look forward, and go about my daily life, I still feel that sense of alienation."
"……."
"Memories fade so quickly. Even a pain akin to death grows distant the moment it becomes the past. The harder I try to recall it, the fainter it becomes, fading until my confidence that I would never forget feels entirely meaningless. Furthermore, what remains within me isn't quite that. It's more of a sensation than a memory. Rather than seeing, it's hearing; rather than hearing, it's touching. And when I couldn't touch, I had to think. I had to wonder what I should do."
He looked back at me again. His golden hair, bathed in the white sunlight, shimmered brightly. Beneath it, his radiant face was beautiful enough to steal one's breath away.