# 10
10. The Count Family's Damned Master (10)
"It can't be undone. No matter how hard I try, nothing will change, so how am I supposed to overcome it? How am I supposed to keep living in this hell?"
After the sound of grinding teeth, the huddled figure suddenly rose. As the sheet draped over him fell away, his face was revealed. My eyes widened in surprise. His forehead was stained red.
"Your forehead..."
He snatched my hand that was fumbling in the air. He grabbed my face, forcing my gaze toward him. His long bangs were pushed back.
I instinctively pushed him away. Don't do this! Stop!
"Let go—!"
"Look at me!"
He tried to seize my wrists and face, and I twisted my body to avoid his hands. In the struggle, I ended up falling back onto the bed. He swiftly straddled me, determined to hold me down.
His disheveled bangs kept falling back, revealing his face more and more. Don't look. Please don't look at me. I pushed at his face, struck his shoulders, tried everything to shove him off, but it was no use. He finally caught my face as I tried to twist away and escape.
His dry fingers gripped my hair as if tearing it out. He thrust his face close to mine as I groaned from the stinging pain and shouted.
"Look at me!"
Only then did I open my eyes and face him.
Our harsh breaths intermingled. Seeing his murky emerald eyes, I remembered the fact that he was blind.
Right. That man cannot see me. He cannot see me. What flooded through me was relief.
"How am I supposed to keep living like this? What am I supposed to believe in? Do you think you understand my heart? You? How could you possibly understand this suffocating fear of not being able to see anything—of not knowing whether someone holds goodwill or malice toward me, whether they'll hurt me or protect me!"
His pale eyes were full of venom. The hand gripping my face was trembling. It wasn't fear. It was fury.
"My life is a failure. There's no light left before me."
He was lamenting his fate.
"If you try..."
He scoffed. So that's all you can say. His eyes were filled with disappointment.
"Cheer up, you can do it, if you try you can overcome it—I'm sick of hearing that bullshit. It's all just empty words anyway. You can say it easily because you're not blind like me. Don't say ridiculous things. My eyes will never see again."
I could feel his rage in every word he spat out. His rapidly exhaled breath swirled with lingering fear.
"So what am I supposed to try for? What can a blind cripple even do..."
His increasingly contorted face looked sorrowful. Like a child left all alone in an empty place. With so much wealth, honor, and power, how could he be so sad? I could only gauge his sorrow but couldn't truly understand it.
He was right. In the end, I was an outsider.
"So you're trying to die? Like this, withering away alone."
"Is that so wrong? Between life and death, I can choose death."
"I suppose so."
"..."
I grabbed the back of his hand that was still holding my face. His hand was still cold.
"You may choose."
I could have spouted pretty, hollow words. I didn't, because his pain ran deep. So I stopped. It was arrogance to think I could comfort him.
"Reality isn't a fairy tale. They say God only gives us trials we can endure, but I don't believe that. When it's this hard? Whether to keep enduring it or not is my choice. You're wielding that freedom, so there's nothing I can do."
"..."
"Just tell me before you die. I don't want to clean up a corpse without warning."
Because I need time to prepare myself too.
I peeled his hand from my face and pushed at his chest. This time he easily fell back. I quickly slipped out from under him.
The moonlight outside the window was still bright. Bright enough that I wanted to show it to him. But even if I spread those curtains open, that light would never reach Vincent.
"Until then, I'll stay by your side."
When I looked back, Vincent had a blank expression.
"You're not afraid of me, after all. You can kill me anytime you want. As I told you before, there's no one who would come to avenge me even if I die. You don't need to worry."
"..."
"And to add one more thing—you're wrong, Master. Sometimes a world you can see is far more terrifying."
Like a mother who abandoned and ran from her own flesh and blood, like my siblings who were beaten to death by their father, starved by poverty, and sold to a brothel by our own father's hand.
And like my own life.
"You have so much, Master. You have a tomorrow. So while you can still breathe, how about trying a little? So you can live even one more day happily."
"...It's all useless."
"I'm not saying you have to do something right now. Just... try as if it's your last. Whatever it may be. Eat meals on time, take baths in warm water, wear new clothes, and step out of your room and go outside."
"..."
"If it gets scary, you can just run away again. You have a place to hide like this. Stay holed up in here, and when you've calmed down, come out again. You have wealth and power, servants who worry about you, and this grand mansion—what's so scary about all that?"
"All of that... is terrifying. The wealth, the power, the attention, this mansion."
"It's better than having nothing."
At least you can run away.
"Master, you must be misunderstanding something. Life without all that is far more terrifying."
I had often seen people like him who couldn't see. Newborns abandoned by their parents for being born blind, elders who had to have their eyes removed due to disease, young breadwinners who lost their sight in accidents but still had to support their families. They too had to live in eternal darkness like Vincent. But they couldn't cower in comfortable rooms like his.
To survive, they had to work. For them, hunger was more terrifying than the fear of not being able to see. Only by enduring disregard, condemnation, and mockery as they begged could they breathe for even one more day.
Everyone lives in their own hell.
Some from poverty, some from terrible parents, some from unexpected accidents, some from a life of blindness—they all face tomorrow.
"If you build up little by little, change will come. Whatever it may be. Like the light that shines even into this dark room."
"..."
"Do you know the moon hanging in the sky right now is incredibly beautiful?"
Beautiful enough that I want to show it to you.
If you could see it, would you stop thinking about dying?
Even at my words, Vincent didn't lift his head. He wrapped himself tightly in the sheet again. I reached out and lifted his face. A ray of light seeped into his murky emerald eyes.
Beautiful.
His eyes glistened as they held the moonlight.
It was the first time I had ever faced someone this closely. Everyone always looked at my face with horror, so I always kept my head down to avoid their stares.
The third child, Alicia, often sent me looks of shame. My father clicked his tongue whenever he saw my face. I was afraid to meet their gazes. So I never cut my bangs. My long hair would at least partially hide my ugly face.
But right now.
"Don't lower your head."
My heart pounded. Isn't it fine? That man can't see anyway. I can be honest. So for the first time, I faced someone this closely.
So that as his emotions reached me, mine could reach him too.
"This is real."
I stroked his reddened forehead. The skin was torn and bruised. Did he smash his forehead against the wall because his nightmares were too terrifying? To keep himself from falling asleep. Perhaps he wanted to confirm this was reality.
"Have courage."
It may not be what your heart desires, but I'll try. Ever since I was sold for gold coins, there was no way back.
Whether living or dying, in this place.
By this blind master's side.
In secret.
His emerald eyes wavered with confusion. Then slowly, his trembling fingertips cupped my face. His unfocused gaze gradually shifted and fixed on me.
Our eyes met.
"You..."
And at that moment, a powerful force snapped my face to the side. In the blink of an eye, my vision flipped. Then my body plummeted backward. Thud! A sharp, familiar pain rushed to the back of my head.
...What? What's going on?
I lay on the floor, only blinking. A situation I'd experienced before.
"I've felt it since last time, you talk too much useless nonsense."
A nonchalant voice rang out. Only then did I gather my dazed mind and sit up. He was already lying in bed, wrapped in the sheet. The trembling figure from his nightmare was nowhere to be seen.
"Did you not hear me tell you to watch your mouth?"
And even a calm warning.
Seeing his usual damned behavior, I momentarily wondered what was going on.
"Be careful next time."
"...I'll be mindful."
So, his filthy temper has returned.
I rubbed the back of my head that had hit the floor and glared at his composed face. He slightly furrowed his brow.
"Stop looking. Before I gouge your eyes out."
He sure senses this kind of thing well. I immediately lowered my gaze as he warned. My energy drained away. I slumped my shoulders and wiped my face with my hands.
After watching him bury his face in the pillow, I stood up. Just as I took one step toward the door.
"Where are you going."
"Ah, I'm returning to my room."
"Why?"
"Pardon?"
"You said you'd stay until I calmed down."
"You seem sufficiently calmed now."
"Not at all. Someone said they'd stay by my side and all, my heart is still racing. Because I'm scared."
"..."
No, I said nice things to him! I felt my temper flare, but remembering who the man before me was, I clamped my mouth shut.
"Stay here. Until I fall asleep."
"Yes, yes."
At my perfunctory answer, he immediately scowled. Ignoring him, I plopped back down on the floor and glared at the moon visible through the curtains, imagining beating him up in my head.
From behind me, steady breathing sounds rang out.
The calm breathing continued for a long, long time.