Episode 5 - Secret Fantasies
The memory of that day, which she had thought she would soon forget, did not fade easily even after several days. As vividly imprinted as the smooth sensation remaining in her mouth and the breath that had tickled her nape were the wounded eyes she had seen behind the elevator doors.
Every time she thought of him, Jian felt an irresistible desire and an aching emotion simultaneously.
"Am I sexually frustrated?"
That she could be so swayed by a man she had only met once was utterly incomprehensible. To escape her thoughts of him, Jian immersed herself in her research like a madwoman. It was rather fortunate that it was winter break, leaving her with plenty of time to devote to it.
Knock, knock.
Jian, who had been reading a paper in her lab, raised her head at the sound of knocking. Taehun poked his head through the gap in the open door. It was the first time she had seen his face since they had parted on the night of the company dinner.
"Professor Song, do you have a moment?"
"Yes, please come in."
He entered holding coffee in both hands and held out the one in his right hand.
"Americano with two extra shots, right?"
"Yes, thank you. I should have been the one to buy it…."
"Don't worry about it. Buy me a meal sometime later."
"Okay."
His kindness—knowing even her tastes perfectly—was somehow not welcome. She knew all too well that an approach like this was rarely ever motivated by mere personal affection.
"Did you get home safely that day?"
"Yes, I'm sorry I couldn't contact you."
"But where on earth did you go at that hour? Do you know how much I argued with the substitute driver trying to find you? I eventually persuaded him to turn back, but I couldn't figure out where you'd gone. And you weren't answering your phone…."
"I just… had some business to take care of."
Taehun's words brought her suppressed thoughts of Jaehui back to the surface again. As if recalling the kiss from that night, Jian took the coffee into her mouth and savored it.
In her imagination, their bodies were always intertwined. Clinging to his firm shoulders, kissing him deeply, she wanted to feel inside herself the weighty energy that had brushed the back of his hand. She wished the soft sensation that had once roamed inside her mouth would graze her tender flesh as well.
As if she had suddenly become a slave to desire, her imagination recklessly extended its branches.
Taehun watched Jian's face as she silently stared into her coffee cup, then opened his mouth.
"Did you not sleep well? You look tired."
"I'm sleeping enough."
"Start hiring research assistants from next semester. I know grad student assistants don't help much with micro theory, but even if you just delegate administrative work to them, things would be much easier."
"I'll think about it."
Taehun stared intently at Jian, who had her lips pressed together stubbornly. Whether in research or in her private life, Jian never compromised. She was always thorough and coldly rational.
But over the past few days, she had changed somehow. Like a screw had come loose, she seemed disheveled somewhere—she didn't even seem to realize one side of her shirt collar had curled inward.
Without thinking, he reached toward her neck to straighten the collar. Then Jian leaned back, avoiding his hand.
"No, your shirt collar was folded…."
"Ah… I must have forgotten after washing my face earlier to clear my head."
As she pulled the curled-in collar outward, one precariously fastened shirt button came undone. Because of that, the bare flesh extending from her collarbone to her chest was revealed rather starkly.
Taehun turned his head away without realizing it. Heat flooded his face, and he heard the sound of his own dry swallow in his ears. To him, even a single exhale from Jian, even the slightest movement, was a maddening stimulus.
She nonchalantly fastened the undone button and looked at him.
"Senior, I should get back to my paper now…."
"Jian."
Before she could finish speaking, Taehun cut her off.
"Yes."
"Want to have dinner together?"
"Ah… there's a paper I'm reading right now."
"But you still have to eat. Stop saying you'll buy me a meal every day and actually buy me one today."
He was the youngest son of a corporate chairman who was a household name in the Republic of Korea. Whether in terms of career or financial power, he had no reason to feel intimidated by anyone. Even the older professors who were hostile to Jian would fall over themselves for Taehun.
Yet strangely, standing before Jian, he became infinitely small.
"Senior."
Setting down the coffee cup she had brought to her lips, Jian spoke.
"Yes."
"Do you like me?"
He was suddenly at a loss for words. He had thought she might know, but he had never imagined she would ask so openly. Taehun was so flustered that he could neither confirm nor deny, and simply stared at her blankly.
"Senior, you know me. I have no intention of dating, and I don't have the time or energy to spend on anyone else."
She was an ambitious person. But to Taehun, Jian was the only existence he wanted to obtain even if he had to give up everything.
Ever since meeting her, she never left his mind no matter which woman he embraced. He was practically dying to see her intoxicated by pleasure, clinging to him. When her shirt button came undone like earlier, he wanted to be the only one who could slip his hand inside instead of turning his head away.
Taehun took a deep breath and opened his mouth.
"I know you don't like me as a man. But you do have some personal affection for me. Don't you?"
Jian affirmed with silence.
"I think that's enough to be worth starting with. We're not in our twenties anymore—we're old enough to know that there are many things more important than passion in our thirties."
To shake Jian up, Taehun decided to put forward realistic conditions rather than emotions. He thought that was the only way to persuade her.
"I know you're ambitious about research, and I know you don't have the leisure to devote to romance. There's no one in the world who understands that better than I do. I know how you've lived and what an ambitious person you are."
"……."
"So come to me. I'll let you live most as yourself."
"I'm living as myself right now."
Taehun looked into Jian's eyes as if soothing a child and spoke.
"You came back to Korea after your father collapsed, and you've been pushed around by professors, unable to do the research you want. Korea doesn't even have a good research environment…."
"……."
"You're always so on edge because you don't have any leeway. I'll make it so you don't have to worry about such things at all, so you can live smoothly without issue. If I support you, you'll be able to achieve definite results in your future research too."
He had said it thinking it was the best way to move her. But the moment he spat out the last words, Jian's face turned ice-cold.
"Are you saying that I'll have a hard time achieving results on my own now?"
"That's not it…."
"Do you also think my career is over now, like everyone else?"
"That's not it. You're capable. But it's frustrating to see you unable to properly display that ability for reasons unrelated to your competence."
"……."
"Marry me and let's go to America. I can fully support the research you want to do, and you won't have to care about professors who throw their weight around for no reason. I'll make it so your father can receive treatment at a better facility too."
"Why would you care about my father?"
Her lips trembled.
"Jian."
"Are you saying this without knowing that if I accept your proposal, no matter what I accomplish in the world, people will say I succeeded through your power? And I'm not not going to America because I can't—I'm not going because it's my choice."
"I know, I know, but…."
"……."
"Moreover, what you're saying now isn't a marriage proposal—it's a business deal. Do you realize you haven't even said you like me once?"
"……."
"If I obtain those things from you, what do I give you in return? My body? Is that what I should give you in exchange for everything you're offering?"
The eyes of Jian, who rarely revealed her emotions, shook as if they would crumble. Only then did Taehun realize he had made a grave mistake.
"Jian, I'm sorry. I got ahead of myself."
"If you truly liked me, you should have first thought about what I want and what I value. You should have acknowledged and respected the abilities I've built up as a researcher."
"Of course I respect you. What I meant wasn't—"
Taehun tried to make excuses somehow, but Jian turned her head away.
"Please leave."
Red blood beaded on her lip, drawn between her teeth. In the end, Taehun had no choice but to rise from his seat.