Side Story, Episode 3
2024.06.
2
1. They served the same functions of speaking and eating, and both were called lips, yet every time they tangled together, they keenly felt how different what each possessed was. Even the lingering scent of saliva permeating their resilient, swollen lips was, at its root, the scent of their respective bodies. “……Clodell.” When Kaian called her name with desperate longing, Clodell leaned back diagonally and pulled away from him. She tucked the side hair that had slipped out from being pressed beneath his hand behind her ear and laughed awkwardly. “Ha. Haha. Are you, um, hungry?” Avoiding Kaian’s passionately burning gaze, she feigned disinterest. Watching Clodell act awkward, he swallowed a sigh and removed the arm he’d been leaning on the desk. “Are you hungry?” “I suppose so. I think I feel a bit emptier than usual.” Kaian forcibly tried to smooth out the furrow forming between his brows, straining to meet Clodell’s eyes. “Do you have a moment? I would like to have a meal together, if possible.” But absurdly, Clodell, having avoided his eyes, pretended not to notice and subtly turned her head the other way. “Yes. If it’s just for a moment, let’s eat together.” “Wow. Somehow, it’s been a while.” Contrary to her expectant tone, Clodell didn’t look at Kaian throughout the meal, keeping her gaze fixed on her plate. Where had the woman gone who used to beam every time their eyes met while taking a bite he fed her? In the end, Kaian made the excuse that work was busy, hurriedly emptied his plate, and rose from his seat first. After the meal, leaving the queen’s chambers, he let out a deep sigh. “Hah.” He couldn’t understand the reason at all. ‘Clodell is avoiding me.’ He had already been concerned, but she was clearly uncomfortable with him or avoiding him. “Why is she acting like this?” Kaian felt frustrated. A sense of déjà vu came to mind. Back when Clodell had first come to Rowen Castle. There had been a time when, for a while, he had hovered in a state where he could neither approach nor retreat with her. ‘Don’t the two of you not know each other well?’ Since there had been nowhere to turn, when he had quietly confided in Baron Colon, hadn’t the man said that? Now was different from then. He and Clodell were a married couple who had confirmed each other’s feelings. The problems that other couples in political marriages experienced were no longer their problems. No, he thought they absolutely shouldn’t be. How much hardship had they endured to reach this level of relationship? ‘But why has it become like this?’ Had something spun around like a wheel only to stop in nearly the same place? Lately, he felt that his relationship with Clodell was in far too ambiguous a state. There were almost no days when the two of them spent time leisurely together, and it was so distant a memory that he couldn’t recall when they had last focused on each other and shared intimate conversation. “Is that the problem?” Kaian muttered without realizing it. If that was the problem, the solution was simple. He just had to make time and talk. “Ha. Tell a woman exhausted from childcare not to sleep and wait so I can talk to her?” Muttering aloud without realizing it, he laughed hollowly. To Kaian, that solution was absurd. Moreover, Clodell’s insomnia was so hopeless that even doctors threw up their hands. It had been said that it seemed to have become a chronic illness from having lasted so long; how could he wake a woman like that when she was finally sleeping well? “What is wrong with my head?” Kaian thought he was the problem. His desire that clung to her so persistently was excessive. Since he couldn’t confide this in anyone, there was nowhere to seek proper advice.
***
“Isn’t this practically at the level of mental illness?” said Guildmaster Hindenburg, whom he was seeing for the first time in nearly five months, curtly. “I-Is that so?” So frustrated, Kaian had quietly poured out his troubles to Rohan, framing it as a story about ‘someone he knew.’ “To think that even though you’re married and have a child, you don’t want to be apart from your wife for a single moment and want to take her with you everywhere, keeping her constantly in sight.” ……He was thankful he hadn’t said he wanted to put her in his pocket or swallow her whole to keep her in his belly. Briefly dazed by the sharp, censorious remark, Kaian quickly came to his senses and asked back, “Aren’t you the same?” “I am normal, though.” At the word ‘normal’ that Rohan uttered so confidently, the ends of Kaian’s eyebrows trembled. “What is the standard for that normal?” “Hanna is an extremely sensible wife.” Rohan smiled like a doting fool. “My wife and I built sufficient fondness through empathy and conversation, then entered a full-fledged relationship before marrying, did we not?” He squared his shoulders as if subtly showing off. “Thus, I have no such thing as wife separation anxiety. Not when our trust in each other is unwavering.” Kaian was displeased. ‘Is he bragging in front of me under the guise of advice?’ Since he had made the excuse that it wasn’t his own story but someone he knew’s, he couldn’t show his annoyance and kept his mouth shut. He had paid a truly heavy price for marrying Clodell without sufficient empathy or conversation. Looking back, he had been cornered with few choices available to him. When he thought that not only his own life but Clodell had also nearly died several times, everything was steeped in regret. ‘If something had truly happened to Julian or Clodell.’ He didn’t even want to think of it. What was the point of living? What reason was there to keep struggling to survive? It was all to pass the legacy to descendants and glorify the family name. At that time, unable to accept Clodell’s death because he believed he had hurt her and driven her to her doom. He had said he would believe it if they found her even if they had to drain the lake, but if someone had truly brought back her corpse, he might have gone mad on the spot. ‘What am I to do about a first button already fastened wrong?’ How long would the past continue to spring up between them, shaking their hearts and sowing unease? It was while Kaian was distressed with such thoughts. “Could it be that the honeymoon phase is over?” “The honeymoon phase?” Kaian’s eyes grew as if they would pop out. “Isn’t it natural for the familiar to quickly become stale?” Rohan’s words weighed heavily in his mind. ‘We are familiar, but I’m not bored.’ Didn’t ‘stale’ mean fed up? Even now, Kaian was confident that if he entered the bedroom alone with Clodell, he wouldn’t emerge for about a week. As if reading his mind clearly, Rohan added, “It may not be Your Majesty, but Her Majesty who feels that way.” Clodell getting tired of him! Kaian was already considerably shocked by the mere possibility. “What other way is there? You have no choice but to ask Lady Clodell what is uncomfortable or weighing on her mind.” “It’s not easy to bring that up.” Answering naturally, Kaian raised his eyebrows. “As I thought, it wasn’t someone else’s story.” “Are you teasing me now?” “How could I? Am I not the foremost contributor who brought in the funds for Your Majesty to establish the Kingdom of Rowen?” Rohan snickered. “I may not be of great help, but my wife might be able to ask Her Majesty.” “Hanna?” “Yes.” It was an intriguing proposal. Rohan spoke of Hanna with a pleased smile. “Isn’t she full of loyalty, saying she would bury her bones in Rowen even in death?”
***
Thus, while Kaian was contemplating just how far Hanna, Clodell’s close friend, would demonstrate her loyalty for him, matters were already unfolding in the queen’s chambers. “Mmm. As expected, food in Rowen is the best.” Hanna, whom she was meeting for the first time in five months, was very relaxed. On the sea without a speck of shade, if one rode a ship for long, one’s skin was liable to tan red. However, like Clodell, Hanna was from the north and on the fairer side compared to the people of Rowen; perhaps due to a different constitution, she didn’t seem to get particularly sunburned either. “Is there nothing else you want to eat?” “No. None. Phew! I ate well.” Though she had known Hanna was doing well through letters exchanged via ships traveling to and from the Sol Continent, seeing her with her own eyes like this put Clodell’s mind at ease. Moreover, she was even happier that Hanna, whom she hadn’t seen in so long, treated her not as someone she served but like an old friend. Furthermore, Clodell had just heard news worth celebrating from Hanna. “Not you, ask if the baby wants anything.” “He says no. Ah. I’d like a cookie with jam and a cup of tea.” Calling for a maid to bring tea, Clodell gazed at her with gentle eyes. ‘A second child.’ Julian’s conception had been a matter of heavenly fortune and miracle. So Clodell hadn’t dared to wish for another child. Because even now, much happiness was surging like waves by her side, and she felt uneasy thinking she might provoke God’s wrath if she wished for more. However, she couldn’t help but feel a little envious upon hearing the news that Hanna had become pregnant with a second child while staying on the Sol Continent. “Does Your Majesty have no other happy news?” Seeing Hanna turn the question back at her and ask if there was no news of a second child, Clodell shook her head. “None.” “Aren’t you being too definitive?” “Because there’s no such occasion.” At Clodell’s roundabout reply, Hanna tilted her head. “What do you mean, no such occasion?” “Because lately, I can hardly spend any time with Kaian.” “Why?” “He’s busy…” Clodell sighed. “I may have done something to anger him.” “What happened?” At Hanna’s considerate words, she choked up. “It wasn’t like this before. When I’m alone with Kaian, it gets awkward.” Hanna, who only remembered Clodell and Kaian’s lovey-dovey appearances, looked at her as if she couldn’t believe it. “Awkward to be alone with His Majesty?” “Yes.” “Suddenly? Why?” It wasn’t sudden. Clodell spoke bitterly. “Because I love him.”