Chapter 1
Didn’t you come to tell me the lottery numbers?
I am the head of a household. What people commonly call a divorced single father. I have two sons. I am the head of a single-parent family raising an eldest son who has just started running around and looking at the world with energy, and a younger son who hasn’t even been weaned off diapers and bottles yet.
I am exhausted. So utterly exhausted. If only people knew how hard it is to raise children alone…….
Today, I was fired from work again. It was inevitable. “Please don’t come in anymore, Mr. Dongbang Sak.”
“Yes…….”
Even at the words of dismissal, I could only nod. Because of my children who still attended daycare, I had been leaving early and absent from work almost every other day, so these were only natural words to follow. Living in a cold semi-basement single room, I was sick almost every day, and the daycare also called me every day because they couldn’t keep a child with a cold together with the other children.
“Hoo… what kind of work should I do now…….”
A life supported by a meager government subsidy, living hand to mouth while even having to pay off debts, was nothing but darkness. And yet, the reason I could muster my strength was because I had children who looked only at me and smiled.
“Dad will do his best! Okay?”
“Yes! Dad! Hurry up and hit it big so we can eat lots of delicious food!”
“Yes. Yes.” I always felt sorry, my heart always aching, that I could only make one fried egg and white rice every day for my eldest son, who was at an age where he should be eating well and growing well. Most of the government support went toward the younger child’s diapers and formula.
On a night like today, when I’d been fired from work, I craved a drink desperately, even though I didn’t even like alcohol.
“Sleep well……. Hoo…….”
Did they know their father’s heart? Even on cold nights, they fell asleep peacefully without a single complaint.
“Sigh… I don’t really know anymore.” I had stayed up all night with my eyes wide open, but I couldn’t put off what had to be done, so I woke the sleeping children.
“Boys!! Wake up! We have to go to daycare.”
Perhaps because of the hard floor and the electric heating pad, the children didn’t wake up easily. That was why waking them every morning was such an arduous task. My eldest son, Dongbang Yul, got up rubbing his eyes.
“Dad.”
“Yeah?”
“I’m hungry…. Is today a rice day?”
Perhaps because he was at an age where he was growing rapidly, he constantly said he was hungry.
“Yes……. Just wait a little…….” I hurriedly washed my eldest son’s face, then poured oil into a worn-out frying pan, cracked an egg, and quickly made a fried egg. The rice in the rice cooker had been made three days ago, so its color had changed, but even so, my eldest son ate without a word of complaint.
“Dad is the best! The fried egg you make is the most delicious.”
While I was mixing formula for the younger son, the eldest son kept giving me a thumbs-up as he lifted his spoon.
‘You little rascal……. Thank you…….’ He was an eldest son who had never once complained about side dishes. Feeling newly grateful, I gave the bottle to my younger son, who had just woken up.
“You’re eating well. Our Geon. You made a lot of pee-pee too.”
A diaper as heavy as my heart was in my hand.
‘Come to think of it, I need to send diapers to the daycare……. Sigh…….’ My younger son had already been wearing another child’s diaper from the daycare for three days.
The daycare teacher’s gaze had grown fierce.
‘How much is in my wallet? I need to buy some today…….’ I already knew what was inside, but still, I opened my wallet and checked the money. Seventeen thousand three hundred won.
It wasn’t enough money to even properly buy a pack of diapers.
‘Sigh… the support money is still a long way from coming in…….’
Afraid my sons might notice my worried expression, I quickly smiled and changed their clothes. Because I had gotten clothes that other children at the daycare had outgrown and put them on my children, the clothes looked very worn. Pretending not to know this, I layered several pieces on them and hurried to the daycare.
“Sir. Geon’s diapers…….”
“Oh my. I forgot. I was too busy. I’ll definitely send them tomorrow.”
“If you keep doing this, the other parents will…….”
“Yes. I’m sorry. I’ll definitely bring them tomorrow.”
Remarkably, my younger son only had bowel movements at daycare. Did he instinctively know there were no diapers at home? Although he couldn’t help the urine, he at least took care of his bowel movements at daycare, using another child’s diaper.
“Abu! Abu!”
“Yes. Yul, Geon. Listen well to the teacher today, eat well, and play well. Daddy will come later.”
“Yes! Dad.”
“Abu~~”
Leaving behind my eldest son’s spirited reply and my younger son’s babbling, I returned home. On the way home, holding a job flier in my hand, my pathetic appearance made me quicken my pace.
I wanted to do dawn manual labor, but it didn’t match the daycare hours, so I couldn’t.
“Haa. The timing…….”
Finding a job that matched daycare hours was no easy task. I had no relatives, so there was no one to watch the children separately. An acquaintance had suggested that if it were like that, I might as well leave the children at an orphanage, but I refused firmly.
“Family doesn’t get separated. Do you know how big a scar that brief time would leave on the children?”
At my words, the acquaintance eventually had to close his mouth. What was he thinking as he looked at me like this? That I was foolish? Stupid? What did it matter. He was an acquaintance who had never once helped pay for formula.
“Sigh… but as for the diapers for tomorrow…….” I sighed as I looked at the job flier. Putting down the flier, I pounded the pavement visiting several marts to find the cheapest diapers.
[Special Sale! One pack of diapers for 15,000 won!]
In the end, only after walking and walking for a long time was I able to find diapers on special sale.
Gurgle.
Having walked so much without eating, hungry sounds kept coming from my stomach. Hugging the diapers to my chest, I hurried back home, and in my hunger, I ate rice without side dishes, mixing it with water as if drinking it.
“Haa! Now I feel like I’ll survive. At least I won’t have to watch the teacher’s expression tomorrow.”
Even though they were on special sale, the pack had a lot of diapers, so I thought I had made a good purchase. If only I had a little more money, I would have wanted to buy a few more, but still, I felt I had managed to secure at least one. I rinsed the finished rice bowl roughly in water and set it aside; there was almost nothing to wash.
“How many eggs are left?” The children were taken care of at daycare until dinner, but on weekends, the situation changed. On weekends, if I was lucky we ate one meal a day, maybe two, so the number of eggs was an important matter.
There were 13 eggs remaining in the mini refrigerator.
“Hmm… I think if I feed them every other day until next weekend…….”
I am truly a pathetic father. Sometimes I wondered if I should live like this, but I had no choice but to endure, believing the situation would change when the children grew up.
“Ugh. This isn’t the time for this.”
I quickly turned on the electric heating pad and neatly covered it with a worn blanket. That way, when the children came home, they could get under the covers and warm their bodies. Setting aside a few diapers for home use, I hugged the remaining diapers to my chest and delivered them to the daycare. The teacher’s eyes narrowed at the already opened diapers, but I pretended not to notice and greeted my children.
“My goodness. Yul, Geon. Did you have fun today too?”
“Yes! Dad, let’s go home quickly.”
“Haha. Yes, let’s go.” Holding my younger son in my arms and grasping my eldest son’s hand, I quickly left the daycare.
Poverty is a sin. My eldest son probably feels it. That no one at daycare looks at him and his younger brother with a kind gaze. When they send such looks even to me, the parent, what more is there to say? And yet, this was the only place that accepted children until the latest hours, so I had no choice but to leave them here.
In the dark evening, my eldest son’s tiny, fern-like hand grabbed my pants.
“What is it, son?”
“Nothing. Dad, is it hard?”
“Hahaha. You’ve grown up. My son. Are you worried about Dad?”
“I’ll grow up quickly and earn lots of money for Dad.”
“Really?”
“Yes! I’ll earn enough money to buy that apartment.”
These days, my eldest son’s dream is to live in an apartment. I remembered how he used to stare especially long at his friends playing at the apartment complex playground.
“Thank you, son. Dad will earn lots of money, so you just grow up strong and healthy without getting sick. Okay?”
“Hehe. I wish Dad would hit it big soon.”
“Yes. We’ll be able to hit it big someday too.”
Where had he learned to say “hit it big”? Lately, my son had been saying “hit it big” often. He was at an age where he should be causing trouble and running around playing, but it pained my heart that he seemed to have matured too early.
I bundled the children up in thermal underwear and watched TV with my sons under the covers.
‘Hoo… I’m sleepy…….’
Was it because I had walked too much today? Fatigue rushed in, and before I knew it, I had closed my eyes.
‘When did I fall asleep?’
It seemed my eldest and youngest sons had turned off the TV and lights and fallen asleep after I did. The worn digital clock still showed 1 AM.
Looking at my sleeping sons, I sighed, then squeezed myself in beside the children, resettling my body and lying down. It had been a long time since I had turned on the boiler in the cold winter. These were days spent enduring with an electric heating pad, worrying that the children might catch a cold.
It’s hard. So hard. I could newly feel why the news never stopped reporting on whole-family suicides.
‘I need to find a job tomorrow…….’
Worrying about tomorrow like that, I fell asleep again.
[What shall I do……. What ever shall I do about this…….]
‘Wh… who are you?’
I opened my eyes at a voice tickling my sleeping ear. A dream? It was too vivid a voice to be a dream. Could this be what they call a lucid dream? I got up from my spot and turned my head in the direction of the voice. There stood an old man dressed neatly in white hanbok.
[To think the karma wrought upon my descendants would prove so heavy and fearsome……. Hoo… to think the curse of a short life would persist so long…….]
‘A… a curse of a short life……. Excuse me, who are you?’
Rather than answering my question, the old man looked at me with eyes that seemed ready to burst into tears at any moment, full of pity. Even though he was an old man I had never seen in my life, he did not feel unfamiliar.
‘C… could it be the lottery numbers!! Has an ancestor come to tell me the lottery numbers too!’
I was someone who would buy my children an extra snack with the money meant for lottery tickets, but if he really told me the lottery numbers, I thought I would definitely buy one this time. Now that an ancestor had appeared to tell me the lottery numbers, I felt like I could hit it big as my eldest son said and live a life without worrying about tomorrow.
‘You are my ancestor, right?’
[Hehe. Child. What is thy name?]
‘Ah… I am called Dongbang Sak. My father and mother named me that so I would live as long as three thousand years.’
[Hehehe. Three thousand years……. ‘Twas a most futile life indeed…….]
‘What do you mean…….’
[I too am called Dongbang Sak. I am none other than the progenitor of the Dongbang clan.]
‘Eek!’
The progenitor appeared in my dream to tell me lottery numbers? Eh, what did it matter. Whatever it was, if he told me, I’d be grateful. I resolved to hold a grand ancestral rite for him later.
‘Then the numbers, how…….’
[Hm? What numbers do you speak of?]
‘The lottery numbers. Didn’t you come to tell me the lottery numbers?’
[Lottery? What is that?]
‘…….’
In that moment, I was at a loss for words. No, if he hadn’t appeared in such a vivid dream to tell me lottery numbers, then why on earth had he appeared?