Her consciousness dog-paddled obliquely across the water’s surface. In the silent darkness, Annette slowly drummed her fingers on the bed.
It felt as though the entire world were composed in C minor. Soundlessly, Annette hummed the first movement of Lobanov’s Symphony No. 2 in C minor.
Her fingers moved along with the harmonies in her mind. A bleak piano prelude bloomed at her fingertips. The silent world was soon filled with piano music.
Adagio (heavy and slow), the prelude in C major, Più andante (a little slower), the transitional passage, Più allegro (faster)…….
Her endlessly moving hands came to a dead halt just before the Picardy third. The world fell silent in an instant. Annette stared into the black void and blinked once.
‘Why did I survive?’
In the silence that had returned, she questioned.
They had stabbed me to die. And yet I could not. Was it because I had lived a life without ever exerting myself, one where I’d entrusted even the opening of a bottle cap to a servant?
Even so, if they had just left me be, I would have died.
Why did I survive?
Who on earth saved me?
The same questions chased each other endlessly in circles inside her mouth. Like a madwoman, she asked herself again and again. Why did I survive. What went wrong. Just how does one die?
Rustle.
A shuffling sound came from the foot of the bed. It was the nurse who had remained in the room. Perhaps having dozed off and woken, her face was slightly dazed.
“Excuse me.”
Startled by Annette’s call, the nurse rose to her feet. Somewhat flustered, she asked,
“Madame, yes, is there anything you need?”
“Could you…… step out for a moment?”
“Pardon?”
Annette spoke again, a faint smile touching her lips.
“Could you step out, please?”
“Madame, I……”
“I want to be alone.”
“I’m sorry, but I was told not to leave you alone, Madame……”
The nurse mustered the friendliest smile she could over her troubled expression. Annette smiled back in turn.
“Even so, shouldn’t my wishes come first?”
“You are in a mentally unstable state, Madame. I will stay by your side. Please tell me if you need anything.”
“I am fine.”
“But the doctor……”
“Please leave.”
Annette dismissed her flatly. The nurse hmm’d and hawed in deliberation, then soon let out a sigh.
“For now, I shall call your guardian.”
“There is no need.”
“I think I must discuss this with your guardian…… oh my.”
The nurse, who had been opening the hospital room door, gave a start and stepped back. Annette fixed her gaze on the door, frowning. But her eyes, adjusted to the darkness, could not make out much.
The nurse murmured in a surprised voice.
“Commander, why are you here……?”
“Is something the matter?”
A familiar low voice came from outside the room. Annette felt a forgotten headache rush in.
“……It’s nothing…… the Madame……”
The nurse relayed the situation to Heiner. He responded briefly and stepped into the room. The nurse glanced at Annette with worried eyes and nodded.
The door closed behind Heiner’s back. The faint light seeping in was completely cut off. The room sank back into darkness and silence.
Heiner hesitated briefly where he stood, then trudged over. As he drew closer, the world of notes swirling inside her slowly receded.
Heiner dragged the chair the nurse had been sitting in closer to the head of the bed. He perched on the chair, regarding her with cautious eyes. Annette remained silent, her gaze lowered.
“Annette.”
How strange it is to hear my name spoken in his voice, Annette thought.
“Are you…… a little better?”
“……”
“You are in an unstable state right now. Someone needs to stay with you.”
“……”
“So…… you shouldn’t be alone…… because there’s no telling what might happen to you.”
Heiner hesitated like a man who did not know what words to pull forth. Ignoring him, Annette asked bluntly,
“Were you the one who found me?”
“……I was.”
“And so you saved me?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
Annette’s voice was neither sharp nor aggressive. Rather, her tone sounded almost innocent.
Likewise, with a face no different from usual, Annette met Heiner’s eyes and asked again,
“Why did you save me?”
Heiner stared at her blankly, as if at a loss for words.
“Heiner, I am already unhappy enough to die.”
“……”
“Truly, ‘enough to die’ unhappy. It has turned out exactly as you wished. I have nothing left to give you now.”
“……”
“This was the ending you wished for, and the ending I wished for myself. But you ruined it all.”
A voice slightly high and clear drew the conclusion. Annette murmured as if whispering,
“You ruined everything.”
“……I did.”
Heiner moved his lips in an expression that seemed to smile and cry at once, then spat out,
“I ruined it? What, exactly? Are you saying I should have simply let you die?”
“That is what you should have done.”
“I never wished for this kind of ending.”
“Then what did you wish for?”
Annette struggled to raise herself. Heiner caught her shoulder weakly, trying to stop her.
“Please don’t get up.”
Shaking off his hand, Annette stubbornly sat up. Pain throbbed through her entire left arm, but she paid it no mind.
“Then, Heiner, what did you wish for?”
Annette continued calmly,
“To repeat the past three years until the moment of death? What meaning is there in that? It is nothing but suffering for you and for me.”
“At least, I never imagined it would come to this.”
“Are you saying that in all earnestness, you never once considered this outcome?”
That was truly…… a bizarre thing to say.
To wish for a human being’s bottomless misfortune, yet never assume that person would choose death.
“You did not see me as a proper human being.”
Heiner had completely overlooked that Annette, too, had the right to choose between life and death. Annette smiled bitterly.
“That is worse than wishing for my death, Heiner.”
His eyes widened slightly. Heiner opened his mouth as if to say something, then merely let out an unsteady breath and closed it again.
Silence flowed. Heiner’s clasped hands twitched intermittently. After several attempts, he barely managed to spit out a single word.
“I……”
His voice emerged terribly unsteady.
“I do not want you to die.”
Annette felt as though his words came from very far away. Heiner murmured as if reciting,
“I do not wish for that.”
***
Two days later, in the afternoon, Ansgar Schütter came requesting a visit.
He had originally rushed to the official residence the same day he heard the news that Annette had awoken. However, for the sake of her stability, he had been forced to leave with only a brief note.
Heiner had turned Ansgar away again the next day. He had not even informed Annette of the visit.
Annette was only able to see the note Ansgar had left two days late.
「I heard you are currently unable to meet.
I'll come again tomorrow afternoon.
Hoping I can greet you as your usual self.
—Ansgar Schütter」
With a blank expression, Annette gazed at the note. She did not hate Ansgar. On the contrary, he was an old friend consisting of only good memories.
But there are relationships best left in the past. For Annette, Ansgar was one such person.
The reason they had been able to maintain a good relationship was because, at the time, they had existed within ‘such’ circumstances and ‘such’ a background.
Now, everything had changed. Annette knew she could not return to the same relationship she had once shared with him.
Nevertheless, the reason she had accepted Ansgar’s request for a visit was that, after all, she had liked him as a person.
She also felt somewhat sorry toward Ansgar. Of course, Annette did not believe she had any obligation to confide in him about difficult things ‘as a friend.’ Thus, it was not because of this that she felt sorry.
She looked into a hand mirror and simply tidied her disheveled hair. As she was not in a condition to go down to the drawing room, she had no choice but to receive him in her room.
A gaunt woman was reflected in the palm-sized mirror. Annette brushed away the hair stuck to her forehead.
Somehow, it felt as though she were looking into a mirror for the first time in a long while. As she stared blankly, a knock suddenly sounded.
“Annette, I’m coming in.”
Ansgar’s voice rang out from beyond the door. Annette set the mirror down on the nightstand and replied,
“Come in.”
The door clicked open. Ansgar entered, the tips of his ears red from the cold. He removed his hat and raised one hand in greeting.
“Annette.”
“Welcome, Ansgar. Is it very cold outside?”
Ansgar nodded and sat down across from her.
“It’s gotten quite cold. The wind is terribly biting.”
“Shall I get you some hot tea?”
“No, I’m fine. ……How are you feeling?”
“Better. Thanks.”
The conversation remained superficial. Annette faced him with a smile as if nothing were wrong. Ansgar did the same.