Heiner made a puzzled face, as if doubting his own ears. Annette, her fists clenched in her lap, spoke again.
“You must have found me truly laughable.”
In this situation, it seemed she ought to grab him by the shoulders and pour out a stream of resentful words, yet strangely, she only felt empty.
Annette lowered her head, then raised it again.
“Isn't that so? You merely pretended to love a woman you despised and found utterly repulsive…… and that foolish woman fell for it, saying she loved you too. It's ridiculous.”
She laughed softly, as if genuinely amused. But the laughter soon died down. Then, with all trace of mirth gone from her face, she continued.
“But if that's what it was…… you should have told me three years ago. After you'd achieved your goals, when you no longer needed to deceive me, you should have told me. And I, not knowing any of this……”
Her throat was tight. But no tears came. A choked voice emerged from deep within.
“……I loved you for three more years.”
At those words, Heiner's eyes trembled greatly. Or perhaps it was her own vision that had blurred. Annette quietly averted her gaze.
For three years, her love had shattered countless times, until its original form was nearly unrecognizable.
That which collapses often is often rebuilt. Over three years, Annette had collapsed often, and had been rebuilt just as often.
He will come back. He will smile at me again. He will change his mind again. He will whisper tender words to me again. He will love me again.
How much longer did she have to repeat this?
“Even now.”
Heiner broke the silence. He asked in a voice that sounded as though its edges were crumbling.
“Even now…… do you still love me?”
Annette thought his words were scorn or sarcasm. They hadn't been spoken in such a tone, but to her, at least, that was how they sounded.
Annette smiled dryly and murmured.
“If I say yes, just how pathetic would I become?”
The stove quietly radiated warmth. Annette kept her eyes on the bedsheet and said hollowly,
“I don't know anymore. What I loved was the act you put on, pretending to love me. The you I loved was all a lie. Then wouldn't my love be a lie as well?”
On his hand, pressed against the floor, blue veins bulged in tangled lines. Annette thought of the days when she had buried her cheek in that hand.
“Now, I wonder if any of that even matters. After all, I'm hardly in a situation where I can simply dwell on love.”
Could something rebuilt over and over truly be called the same as it was in the beginning? Annette could not be sure.
In truth, it didn't even seem important.
“My feelings are of little use anyway. Whether I love you or not, nothing changes.”
When Annette raised her head again, she wore a perfectly peaceful expression, as though she held no past at all.
“This won't happen again.”
“……”
“Never again.”
***
She had vaguely suspected it since entering the hotel, but it seemed Heiner intended to spend the night here.
His attendant had brought luggage containing a change of clothes, shoes, cosmetics, and so forth. Annette showered using the hot water prepared by the staff.
Having changed and stepped out of the bathroom, Annette paused. She had assumed Heiner would be staying in another room, yet there he sat at the table, turning the pages of a newspaper.
“……Are you staying here as well?”
“Why? If I stay elsewhere, will you run off alone again?”
“That's not what I meant.”
“You never know.”
Heiner replied curtly and rose from his seat. As he gathered his clothes to enter the bathroom, Annette spoke urgently.
“Wait, the staff can prepare hot water……”
“It doesn't matter.”
He turned back just as he was about to close the bathroom door. A cold voice came through the gap.
“Don't think of leaving. Unless you want to be caught and dragged back by the attendant outside.”
Even after the door closed, Annette stood there blankly. She felt somewhat bewildered. The biting remark from earlier, too—he truly seemed angry.
She listened to the running water for a moment before moving. She sat at the dressing table and pressed the towel firmly against her hair.
A pallid woman was reflected in the glass. She looked utterly devoid of vitality. Annette rubbed the mirror for no reason, leaving a handprint over the face.
By the time she had finished drying her hair and lain down in bed, Heiner had come out of the bathroom. Annette pulled the blanket over herself and curled up.
Heiner turned off the lights and lit only the gas lamp hanging above the table. Yellow light dimly illuminated one corner of the room.
He took a document envelope from his luggage bag and sat in a chair. Annette tried to fall asleep with her eyes closed, but she couldn't even feel drowsy. In the silence, the occasional sound of paper turning could be heard.
‘Why did he come all this way when he's so busy?’
Even after hearing the full story from Heiner, there were still many times when she could not understand his behavior.
Heiner sometimes acted as though he never wanted to see her, and other times as though he wished to settle forever by her side.
Either way, their relationship was precarious, like standing on a thinly frozen lake.
He worked until late into the night. Annette counted those faint sounds with open eyes. The scratch of a pen writing, the sound of fingers brushing over paper, his low breathing……
Only after quite some time did Heiner extinguish the gas lamp and stand. As he walked toward the bed, Annette shifted to make room, moving to the edge.
At that, Heiner furrowed his brow.
“You're still awake?”
“……I can't sleep.”
Heiner climbed onto the bed with a displeased expression. The mattress sank beneath him.
Annette sat up groggily and poured water into a glass on the nightstand. Then she bent down and picked up the handbag she had placed under the bed. She was trying to take out a packet of medicine when he grabbed her wrist.
“What is it?”
“Medicine.”
“Sleeping pills? Why?”
“Because I can't sleep.”
“So you take sleeping pills every time you can't sleep? Do you think that's good for you?”
“……It’s not as if I take them because I like to.”
Heiner let out an annoyed sigh and snatched the medicine from her hand. Annette left her hand hanging awkwardly in the air, watching his temper.
She couldn't tell which part of her had angered him yet again. What did it matter to him whether she took medicine?
“Stop taking this rubbish. Do you want to become addicted?”
“I can handle it.”
“And this is the result of handling it?”
Annette turned her head away to avoid his eyes.
It was always like this when she spoke with Heiner. He was dissatisfied with her every action. Perhaps her very existence was irritating to him.
‘Back then…… it wasn't like this back then.’
She knew it was meaningless to dwell on, yet she couldn't stop thinking of the past.
Their conversations in the past had always been filled with love and affection. They had quarreled occasionally, but those were merely fleeting conflicts, like any other lovers had.
After a fight, Heiner had always been the first to apologize and ask for reconciliation. After making up, he would always hold Annette tightly and kiss her forehead or cheek.
‘Now that I think about it…… he must have done so because he needed to maintain a good relationship with me.’
To become a close associate of the Count, he would have needed to marry the Count's daughter. So he had indulged her and pretended to love her.
Though she had eaten nothing, her stomach churned. Annette turned onto her side, then looked back at the sound of Heiner rising again.
He placed a teapot on the stove and selected the tea leaves provided in the room. In the silence, water began to boil. Soon, the faint scent of tea quietly filled the room.
“Here.”
Heiner held out a teacup. Annette looked up at him with wide eyes. He pressed her.
“Drink.”
Annette sat up and took the cup in a daze. A warm sensation spread through her palm.
“It will help you sleep.”
“……What is it?”
“Chamomile.”
Heiner's voice was still gruff, and at times even seemed displeased.
That was why she could not read him at all.
Annette watched his mood and sipped the tea. Heiner stared at her with cold eyes, then gave a slight nod of his chin.
“Hand me the bag.”
“My bag…… why?”
“To look inside.”
Swallowing the rest of her words, Annette hesitantly picked up the bag and held it out.
Heiner snatched it away and sat on the edge of the bed. Then he took out the items inside one by one and laid them on the bed.
“Is this a sleeping pill?”
“No, the sleeping pills are this……”
“Then what is this?”
“Headache medicine.”
“And this?”
“Digestive medicine.”
Annette, watching his rigid expression, added as if making an excuse.
“My stomach has been acting up.”
“What did the doctor say?”
“He just……”
Annette hesitated for a moment, then answered honestly.
“……He said I'm overly sensitive.”
Heiner would find out anyway if he asked Arnold. She didn't want to tell pointless lies just to save face.
Heiner silently held the medicine packets for a moment. Then he rummaged through the bag without a word.
His expressionless face seemed to say, ‘Just as I thought.’ Annette bit her lower lip.
Having taken out most of her belongings, Heiner picked up something from the bottom of the bag. It was a white card. Annette's face hardened as she realized what it was.
It was Anse Stetter's calling card.