Being Honest Is Comfortable -2
“So… did you train well?”
“Nothing much. Today.”
“…Really?”
“Yeah.”
I answer Jiu, who’s cooking, while setting the table. Just like almost every day, Jiu had come over to my house today to practice cooking and prepare a meal for the day……
For a while now, Jiu has been glancing at me strangely.
……What, why.
“Here.”
“Oh… thanks.”
I take the steaming pasta that Jiu, finished cooking, hands me, move it to the table, and sit down.
Soon, Jiu took off her apron, washed her hands, and sat down across from me.
Before I knew it, I was staring blankly at that sight…
“What are you doing? Hurry up and eat. Before it gets cold.”
“…Ah, yeah.”
I lowered my gaze and picked up my fork.
…Ah, seriously.
The seniors have got me feeling all awkward for no reason.
I don’t know why, it’s just… a bit awkward.
And of all times, why does Dad have to be busy and come home late today……
“Ah, hot!”
“Hey, hey! Are you okay? No, you should blow on it before eating!”
“Ugh… I-I’m fine.”
Distracted by other thoughts, I mindlessly put the pasta in my mouth and then spat it all back out.
Ah, hot…
“Here, water! Are you okay? Did you burn your mouth?”
“Ah, no… I’m fine…”
“No, I told you to eat quickly, but why would you put something that hot straight into your mouth! Are you really okay?”
“…I’m really okay.”
I rinsed my mouth with the water Jiu hurriedly brought.
Fortunately, I don’t think I burned myself…
Ha, what am I really doing.
“Can you eat it? Blow on it before eating.”
“Yeah…”
“Goodness. I thought you’d grown up lately, but you’re still a baby. Should noona blow on it for you?”
“…No thanks.”
When I said I was fine, Jiu finally giggled, and I hung my head low and blew uselessly at the innocent pasta.
…How embarrassing.
I could feel my face burning, so I couldn’t lift my head.
So I ate the pasta with my face practically buried in the plate, when a sudden thought crossed my mind.
Why am I so embarrassed over something like this?
You can spit something out if it’s too hot while eating. It’s no big deal… so why is it so embarrassing that I can’t even raise my head?
“…”
I kept my head down and only lifted my eyes to steal a glance at Jiu.
Jiu was someone who didn’t care about anything but the food when eating. She really ate heartily.
There are sometimes girls like that at school.
Ones who eat very elegantly during meals.
When eating pasta, they always twirl it neatly with a fork, and take rice only as much as a fingernail. Wiping their mouths with a napkin after every forkful.
Compared to them, Jiu… hmm.
She really eats heartily.
But because of that, she looks much better.
“…What?”
“Huh? Ah, no. Eat.”
“…?”
Damn. We made eye contact.
Feeling a sting, I lowered my eyes again and fiddled with the pasta using my fork.
As I did that, I thought.
Why is it so hard for me to show my true self?
Come to think of it, I’d rarely ever shown my honest self in front of Jiu.
Pretending I wasn’t scared even when I was. Pretending I got along fine even when I didn’t. Rather than being honest, I was always lying.
Truthfully, it wasn’t just in front of Jiu.
Looking back, I’d never laid bare my inner feelings to anyone exactly as they were.
There were times I said I liked something when I didn’t, but there was never a time I said I disliked something because I did.
I just… think that’s how I was.
Other people’s feelings were more important than my own emotions and feelings. It was more uncomfortable for me to cause someone discomfort because of me.
Maybe that’s why. Being honest was a difficult thing for me.
When had that started?
Suddenly, I carefully thought about what the first lie I’d ever told was.
Hmm……
It might not be exact, but at least the first lie that came to mind now… seemed to have been to my mother.
It was probably the second day of school after entering elementary school.
That morning, my mother had asked if I didn’t want to go to school again today.
I answered no.
Because the day before, I’d come home from school and said I didn’t want to go, and got scolded terribly.
Afraid of getting scolded again, I couldn’t answer honestly, and so I told my first lie.
Well, once I tried lying, the second time wasn’t hard. Rather, lying became easier than being honest.
Especially… I lied to Dad a lot.
He always told me to tell him if I had worries or hard times, but every time I said I didn’t.
A lie was a lie.
So I felt sorry to Dad.
Well, anyway…
What was I thinking about to get here?
Ah, right.
Why can’t I show my true self as I am?
Jiu eats just as she is, her true self… and she looks good like that, so why do I only try to look perfect?
It’s a difficult subject.
—Try being honest with your heart. Then you’ll be the one who finds comfort.
Suddenly, the captain’s words from earlier come to mind.
Hmm. Come to think of it, they seem right.
I have lived uncomfortably, unable to be honest.
I want to live a bit more comfortably now too.
“…This.”
“Hmm?”
“This, you know.”
“Yeah. Why? Does it taste bad?”
When I pointed at the pasta with my fork and spoke, Jiu asked with wide eyes.
I shook my head.
“No. It’s delicious.”
“What? Out of nowhere. Everything I make is obviously delicious.”
“Y-yeah. Everything you make… is delicious. So, I’m always thankful for that.”
“…Inga?”
“You always cheer me on… and cook for me like this… so I’m always thankful to you… just wanted to say that…”
…Why does it feel like my throat’s blocked, the words won’t come out?
As I mumbled, Jiu tilted her head while still looking at me with wide round eyes.
It was an expression like she was wondering if I’d eaten something wrong.
“…Did you do something wrong?”
“Huh?”
“But what is it, all of a sudden. Tell me. You did something wrong, didn’t you?”
“What are you talking about. No, it’s not that…”
“But why are you like this all of a sudden. It’s giving me goosebumps.”
“Just. I just wanted to say it…”
Needing courage even just to say this much, I mumbled and hung my head again.
Ugh. This is uncomfortable.
Did I say something unnecessary?
But a moment later, I felt something touch my head. It was Jiu’s hand.
“Our little Jian saying that to me makes me thankful too, you know?”
“…”
Jiu said while stroking my head.
I lifted my head slightly and saw Jiu smiling brightly.
She looks pret… pret…
Ah, dammit.
Yeah. Pretty. She’s pretty.
“Want some more?”
“…Yeah.”
“My, you’re eating well. Seems your mouth really is okay?”
Jiu laughed and took my bowl.
And she skipped off toward the kitchen.
Watching her retreating figure, I ended up breaking into a grin.
…The captain is the captain after all.
The captain was right. When I spoke honestly, even just a little, my heart felt so much lighter.
Well, it was only a very small part though.
I still can’t honestly take out everything inside my heart, but…
Everything starts with small steps, right?
Just like my first lie was a trivial thing… couldn’t I become more honest later too?
And, it’s not good to change too suddenly either.
I read it in a book.
They say a person dies if they change suddenly.
I’m only sixteen, I don’t want to die yet.
“Here, eat it all.”
“…Isn’t this too much?”
“Just eat it all. You said everything I make is delicious.”
“…Okay.”
Well, anyway.
My training to be honest ends here for today.
…
“…Is that Sardinia Island?”
“Yeah. Is it your first time here, maknae?”
“Ah, yes. It’s much bigger than I thought.”
“It is. It’s the biggest island around here.”
“Ah…”
My mouth fell slightly open at the island scenery visible through the small window.
I’d been a bit worried since we were going on an away trip to an island, but Sardinia was so large that it seemed my worry had been for nothing.
…I guess I won’t fall into the ocean even if I kick the ball hard.
“We will be landing shortly, so please fasten your seatbelts—”
I hadn’t unbuckled my seatbelt in the first place, so I kept looking out the window at the scenery.
Last week was a cup match, and this week is a league match.
Our opponent was a team called Cagliari Calcio.
“Ladies and gentleman, we will be landing······”
Cagliari was a city located on an island called Sardinia, separate from the mainland.
Thanks to that, we were taking a plane for this away trip.
The sight of the massive island rivaling the mainland and the glittering sea reflecting the sunlight was beautiful.
“…”
I captured that sight in a photo.
When I said I was taking a plane again this time to go to a match, Jiu was incredibly envious.
She said it was a shame she hadn’t been born a boy, because if she had been a soccer player, she would’ve flown everywhere every week.
When I said there were female soccer players too, she told me to be quiet.
Anyway.
Once we land, I have to send the photo to Jiu.
Just to make her more jealous.
“Is something good happening? Why are you grinning by yourself?”
“…Huh? Ah, no.”
Imagining Jiu getting adorably angry made me laugh without realizing it.
*
The first day after arriving on the island, we trained lightly and rested well. And on the second day, we headed to the stadium for the match.
“The stadium isn’t that big.”
“Yeah. It’s on the smaller side. About fifteen thousand people or so can fit in here?”
As we went out onto the field to warm up, the stadium felt quite small.
Maybe because it’s right next to the sea, it felt somewhat humid.
“It may be small here, but it’s not a great stadium for the away team.”
The captain said as he approached from the side.
“Why?”
“Because it’s an island. Anyway, it’s hard for away fans to come. See? They’re all home fans. Even after kickoff, you can assume it’ll be packed with only home fans.”
Hmm.
Listening to him, that did seem likely.
No matter how small the stadium, if it’s packed with only home fans, it won’t be easy.
Moreover, the distance between the field and the stands was close, which seemed quite burdensome.
“Well, for big games, fans follow you overseas, but Cagliari isn’t a strong enough team to come across the sea for. So what does this mean?”
“?”
“It means we have to win. We need to beat a team like Cagliari easily and go back. Everyone got that?”
Everyone answered energetically at the captain’s words and ran out to warm up.
I too followed behind them and started warming up lightly.
*
Unlike last week, today’s match starting lineup was composed of returning starters.
In the defensive line, the captain and a Serbian centre-back duo had returned.
In the midfield, Torreira sunbae and Bonaventura sunbae had returned.
And in the front line, the real striker, Vlahović sunbae, was positioned.
Watching that scene, I definitely felt a sense of weight. You could say I felt the dignity of the starting players.
I got the feeling we probably wouldn’t lose.
Of course, I’m not ignoring the other sunbae sitting on the bench.
I’m sitting on the bench too, after all.
Today, I began the match on the substitute list.
*Beep—!*
Honestly, I’d been feeling a bit heavy lately.
Come to think of it, after my first-team debut, I’d played in every match.
Numerically speaking, six matches.
It wasn’t full time for all of them, but I’d played in every weekly match.
Of course, I’d rested during the A-match window, but still, my body didn’t feel light.
The coach always checked my condition, so I think he had me sit on the bench today.
Well, or maybe this was always my place to begin with.
“Nice, nice—!”
“Let’s push them!”
The match began to flow quite easily.
Cagliari, wearing red and black kits, were said to be currently 18th in the league.
We, on the other hand, were 5th.
We were ahead in objective strength.
Moreover, everyone seemed to be in good condition.
Rest really was a good thing. I could see with my own eyes that the sunbae who hadn’t played in the Verona match were light on their feet.
The defensive line was simply solidity itself.
The midfield centered around Torreira sunbae was firmly holding the initiative.
Especially, Vlahović sunbae’s presence was tremendous.
As expected, a real striker is different from a fake one.
Cagliari’s defenders were pouring all their attention solely on Vlahović sunbae.
Even without the ball, one man marking him was the bare minimum, and when the ball went toward him, two or three would stick to him.
But Vlahović sunbae didn’t get pushed around even among them and kept possession on our side.
Thanks to that, we could play the match easily.
We easily built up play by having Vlahović bring down long balls from the back.
When attacking, we simply sent the ball wide and targeted the goal with crosses.
If I had an overwhelming physique like that, I wouldn’t have to play soccer with such a headache.
“Yeeeeeah—!”
“Nice, nice!”
Anyway, the match went well.
In the 18th minute of the first half, the opening goal burst from Vlahović sunbae’s left foot.
“Wow, ruthless! What a smash!”
“Did he do a spinning jump!”
In the 37th minute, from a corner kick situation, Milenković sunbae put in a wonderful header to make it 2-0.
And so the first half ended 2-0.
In the second half that followed, the flow of the match didn’t change much, and in the 11th minute, Vlahović sunbae’s left foot spewed fire once again.
It was 3-0.
“Hmm…”
Around this point, I was slowly thinking that it might be time for me to go in.
Because before the match, the coach had told me that a situation where I might go in could arise.
But the coach didn’t tell me to warm up.
Instead, a few sunbae left the bench to warm up, and then substitutions began in succession.
At 71 minutes, Bonaventura sunbae was subbed out.
At 78 minutes, Torreira and Sottil sunbae were subbed out.
At 82 minutes, the captain and Vlahović sunbae left the ground as substitutes.
With that, almost all the starters were out, and the members from the Verona match remained on the field. Except me, that is.
“Good work.”
“Phew. How was I. Was I okay, maknae?”
“Y-you were definitely okay.”
“Haha, really? Feels good getting praised by the maknae.”
The captain, who sat down next to me, said while putting on his outerwear.
“We all ran ourselves ragged today so you could rest. So, let’s do really well in the next match. Got it?”
“Ah, yes…”
I nodded my head for now at the captain’s words.
The next match.
Our opponent in the next match was Juventus.
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