July 4, 2024.
South Korea.
“Hoo.”
I close the door, step into the quiet room, and let out a sigh.
A cozy, quiet room with the lights off, pitch-dark.
Maybe because I’d been in a noisy place just moments ago, this quiet room feels all the more comfortable.
Creak—
I push open the window set into the ceiling at a slant.
Since it’s an attic, the structure is quite unusual.
The weather is hot, so I leave the screen closed.
I open only the window, prop it with the stay, then sit on the floor and quietly gaze at the night sky beyond it.
“···”
Is it because true summer is still far away?
Cool air flows in, and the sensation is quite nice.
I always feel this, but there’s a subtle feeling that comes whenever the seasons change, a restlessness of sorts.
How should I put it?
That mood you can feel only when things gradually changing suddenly touch your skin.
I quite like that feeling.
For example.
Like when you suddenly realize the sun is setting late one day and feel that summer has arrived.
Or when you’ve been wearing short sleeves all summer, feel a bit chilly, and pull out long sleeves.
It’s a subtle feeling that’s hard to explain concretely, so I can only speak of it abstractly, but there is definitely a feeling like that when you indirectly realize a change has occurred.
“···”
So why am I talking about this now? Well.
I’m just thinking about whatever.
It’s meaningless.
I just want to recharge a little.
The energy that had drained out of me without my realizing it.
I was with Jiwoo’s family all day long.
It’s not like that was a bad thing, but.
Being with so many people like Jiwoo, some energy was inevitably drained, I suppose.
I like outgoing people, but ironically, it’s because I’m an introvert.
After spending time like that, I need time like this to quietly recharge alone.
“···”
By the way.
This isn’t my house, and it’s not somewhere I’ve come to often, either.
Yet it’s a fascinating room that gives me a strangely more comfortable feeling than my own house.
There’s a comfortable feeling, and a slightly fluttering feeling too.
I think it’s probably because this was the first place I ever experienced going over to a friend’s house to hang out.
I even slept over for the night.
It was only natural that it remained such a vivid memory for young me.
What young boy isn’t crazy about a secret hideout?
That’s what this place felt like to me.
The memory is still vivid.
Sitting right here like this before bed, looking up at the night sky, and receiving astronomy lessons from Jiwoo about that being the Big Dipper and what constellation that was.
And as always, we talked about useless things and made wishes upon the stars.
The smell of the air back then, the scenery of the night sky, even the sensation against my skin—everything is still vivid.
It truly is a fascinating thing.
Other memories from around that time have long since faded, yet that exact moment is vivid, as if it were yesterday.
It feels like a short video clip.
The kind you can play back anytime just by pressing a button.
“···”
Seeing that, it seems memories don’t all have the same expiration date.
There are things from just yesterday that I can’t remember well, and then there are old things as vivid as yesterday.
Well, honestly.
Even if I talk about the old days, I haven’t even lived 20 years yet.
It might be funny to talk about memories that never fade when I haven’t even had much absolute time, but.
About this one thing, I think I can say for sure.
These memories right now.
Memories engraved in my mind like tattoos—I feel they won’t disappear even as more and more time passes.
And in most of those memories, I can always find Jiwoo.
Looking back on childhood memories that come to mind right away, there isn’t a single one not related to Jiwoo.
When I first went somewhere to play, Jiwoo was beside me; in memories of eating something delicious somewhere, Jiwoo was sitting across from me.
Come to think of it, those memories remained special not because we did anything particularly special.
But rather because of who I was with.
“···”
On the other hand, it even gives me a reassuring feeling.
That there is someone who shares these precious memories of mine.
Just as storing information in multiple places is far more reliable than keeping it in one.
The fact that Jiwoo was always together in these memories means this memory exists in Jiwoo, too.
Nothing is as upsetting as losing something precious.
Losing even a cherished pair of shoes or a bag is upsetting; if what you lose is a precious memory, I can’t imagine how great that emptiness would be.
A sense of loss so great I’d rather not imagine it.
“···”
...I shake my head without realizing it.
Because my thoughts flowed without order, even thoughts I didn’t want to think suddenly cut in line.
What if.
If when I left to study abroad in Italy, I had somehow lost contact with Jiwoo.
If after that we hadn’t contacted each other and became strangers, remaining only in each other’s memories.
Would the childhood memories I look back on now have remained as vivid as they are?
I don’t really know.
I just think they might have faded, or perhaps remained even more deeply.
But either way.
Even with a firm “what if” assumption, my heart drops with a thud, and I feel uneasy.
If they faded, it would naturally be sad.
Because they’re precious.
If these precious things faded from me, what would I have left?
I’d become an empty person.
But on the other hand, the possibility that they might have deepened feels even sadder.
Even if only the memories deepened.
They would only be memories of the past, not by my side in the present.
How sad that would be.
Longing for something you can never meet again, can never return to.
A sadness terrible enough to be dreadful.
Thinking that way, I can’t help but be grateful for now.
Like how you feel grateful that it was all a dream when you wake up from a nightmare.
After these thoughts, I’m grateful that Jiwoo is still by my side.
...Geez.
Spending alone time in the night air seems to be a scary thing.
Seeing how it makes you think all kinds of useless thoughts.
“Haa, hoo—”
As I was pushing the cool air deep into my lungs to refresh myself—
Bam—!
Hearing the door burst open, I turn my head to see Jiwoo entering with a giggling face for some reason.
Seeing her cheeks flushed red... surely.
She clearly had a drink of the alcohol the adults were having with their meal.
“So this is where you were hiding again?”
“Hiding? I wasn’t hiding.”
“You are hiding. Well, I get it. People are a bit much, right? But what can you do? You’re popular.”
Tsk, tsk.
Jiwoo clicks her tongue and comes to sit beside me.
Jiwoo brings her knees to her chest, wraps her arms around them, and sighs.
“The stars are visible again tonight.”
“Yeah.”
“You still can’t find the Big Dipper by yourself, can you?”
“I know how to find it.”
“Liar. Where is it? Point with your hand.”
“It’s that one. Connect them like this, this, and this.”
“Oh, wow? You remembered. I’ll praise you. Here.”
...Is this really praise?
Jiwoo pretends to pat my head while completely messing it up.
I pout and look at Jiwoo, but she just giggles and taps my cheek.
Is this what they mean by not being able to spit on a smiling face?
Seeing that face, I can’t help but break into a smile too.
“My memory is probably better than yours.”
“Funny. I always did better in school, you know?”
“Not studying for tests. Literally memory.”
“What’s the difference? Studying is all memorization anyway.”
“Then, do you remember this?”
“What?”
“You and me. What was the first thing we ate at a restaurant? Not something we bought in front of school.”
At my sudden question, Jiwoo looks at me as if I’m absurd.
An expression as if asking if I’m looking down on her.
“Tteokbokki. When we were in elementary school. I dragged you to that really delicious place, didn’t I? After eating that, we had bingsu for dessert too.”
...Huh.
We had bingsu too?
I don’t even remember that much.
“...You do remember.”
“Are you subtly looking down on Noona? But well, you’re pretty good too? You remembered that?”
“Of course I do.”
“Why? Was the tteokbokki that good?”
...As if that’s the reason.
“I remember it because it was the first thing I ate with you. I don’t even remember the taste.”
“...Look at this kid. What’s he saying.”
“Ah. Why are you hitting me?”
Ah, ah.
I look at Jiwoo dumbfounded by the sudden flurry of punches.
It’s scarier seeing her hit me while grinning tipsily, but since she’s smiling while doing it, I can’t say anything.
I just give up on one shoulder.
“You should be grateful, right? That I dragged you around back then. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have those memories.”
“That’s true.”
“What’s with you? You’ve been agreeing pretty easily these days. It doesn’t suit you.”
“I should acknowledge what needs acknowledging.”
“Then, do you acknowledge that this Noona is an irreplaceable existence to you?”
Jiwoo, sitting beside me, leans in close and asks; meeting those eyes, I nod.
“I acknowledge it.”
“...You’ve become boring.”
Jiwoo pouts and readjusts her posture.
Yet seeing her smile again soon after, I somehow feel like I’ve become a more honest person now.
Since I’m at it, should I be even more honest today?
Especially since you seem to be in a good mood after drinking the alcohol the adults gave you.
I learned at the last party that when she drinks, everything in the world looks like flowers to her.
“I was looking at the stars and remembered something.”
“Yeah?”
“When we were young, we wished upon stars here like we are now.”
“Yeah. We did. We talked about that last time too.”
We nod at each other.
The first time I came to Korea after becoming a national team player, we had that talk here too.
Jiwoo speaks.
“You said back then you wished to become the best soccer player in the world. It’s really come true now, hasn’t it?”
“...No. Not yet.”
“Still? What more do you have to do?”
“I have to win the trophy.”
“That Ballon d’Or?”
I nod, and Jiwoo sighs as if displeased.
“Are visible things that important? Everyone already knows.”
“It’s still important.”
“It’s practically already decided.”
“There’s still three months left.”
“It’s not like you’ll be playing around for three months.”
“That’s true, but anyway.”
I don’t know how the conversation suddenly turned to the Ballon d’Or, but that’s not what I’m trying to talk about right now.
“Actually.”
“Yeah?”
“There was something I didn’t tell you truthfully back then. I hid it.”
“You hid something? What?”
Jiwoo’s eyes go round.
“...I didn’t just make that one wish. There was one more.”
“What, what?”
I look at Jiwoo.
The stars are reflected in Jiwoo’s eyes.
“...I wished for us to stay friends like this forever.”
“···”
“Actually, that was the wish I made first.”
“...Liar. Who wouldn’t know you’re just saying that to sound nice?”
She’s grumbling for no reason.
Why would I lie about this?
“It’s true. Back then, you were my only friend, and even though I pretended otherwise, it was fun being with you, so that’s why.”
“Well, you only had me.”
“I still do.”
I turn my gaze back to the stars in the night sky.
Then and now, those stars float in their same places, shining unchangingly.
“Those stars.”
“...Yeah.”
“They looked like that 10 years ago too. And 100, 1000 years ago, they must have looked the same.”
“They must have.”
“Then 100 years from now, they’ll still be the same...”
Just like when we gazed at the stars together for the first time as children.
I make another wish.
“Can we be like that too?”
“...What do you mean?”
“Just, you know. For us to stay unchanging like those stars, just as we are now. I think it’d be nice if we could.”
I can’t imagine it now, nor do I want to.
Being apart from Jiwoo, that is.
I don’t want to lose the memories that would fade away, and I don’t want to become someone who lives only ruminating on barely surviving memories.
I don’t want that.
So I want a definite answer.
“What about you?”
“···”
...Hm.
But there’s no answer.
Feeling strange for a moment.
Frozen without even thinking to turn my head to look at Jiwoo, just glaring at the innocent stars—
“Hey.”
Jiwoo spoke.
“Yeah.”
“I told you, didn’t I? Back when you told me what you wished for. I said it was a secret and didn’t tell you what I wished for.”
“Yeah. That was sneaky of you.”
“Yeah, it was sneaky. But since you told me, I’ll tell you too. For real.”
“Yeah. What was it?”
As I quietly wait for Jiwoo’s words, what comes first instead of an answer is Jiwoo’s hand.
Slip.
Jiwoo’s hand slips into mine, overlapping and interlacing.
“I wished for the same thing.”
“...The same thing?”
“Yeah.”
“Ah.”
There was no need for more words.
I simply nodded, and Jiwoo rested her head on my shoulder.
With a heart that wants to believe something unchanging exists in this world, no matter how much time passes.
We gazed up at the stars in the night sky silently for a long while like that.