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8. Then and Now -2“Oh, you’re back.”
“You’re back. Our daughter, our son!”
On the way back from a stroll around the neighborhood that doubled as a trip down memory lane.
Opening the door and stepping inside, thick air and gravelly voices welcome us.
The fact that it was noisy from the moment you opened the door was a trait of this house, but now it felt a little different.
Passing through the entryway and entering the living room... a party was in full swing.
It wasn’t an Italian-style house party, but a Korean-style one where several large tables had been pushed together and everyone reeked of alcohol.
“Oh, yeah. You’re back.”
“...Have you been drinking?”
“Just a little. I drank a little.”
I scurried over and sat next to Dad, and Dad, his face flushed red, patted my shoulder for no particular reason.
That sight felt a little awkward.
Because not once in my life had I seen Dad drunk.
That had been true whether we were in Korea or Italy, so Dad’s flushed face was quite unfamiliar.
“I think you’ve had quite a bit, not just a little.”
“No, no. I really only had a little. What, does the smell bother you? Should I stop drinking?”
“...No. It’s not that I dislike it.”
I answered Dad’s question while shaking my head, and Dad laughed sheepishly.
It was a slightly unfamiliar side of Dad... but that smile looked so happy that I found myself smiling along without realizing it.
Come to think of it, how had I never once seen him drink?
Seeing how happy he looked, it didn’t seem like he couldn’t drink at all or hated it.
When we were in Korea, he was so busy I could barely see his face at home, so he probably hadn’t had time.
Even in Italy, where they drink wine like water, I’d never seen him so much as put it to his lips.
Maybe he couldn’t let himself get drunk.
Because it had been only Dad and me, just the two of us.
If something happened to me, Dad was the only one who could help, so I wondered if he had always stayed sober for that reason.
Well, or maybe he just hadn’t drunk at all and I was reading too much into it.
Anyway, although everyone was incredibly kind to me.
My shyness hadn’t completely disappeared yet, so I sat with my knees pulled up to my chest next to Dad and watched the boisterous K
-home party.
“Alright, everyone fill your glasses!”
“Ooh, look at this girl emptying her glass. Did Mom teach you that?”
“Ah, Mom. What kind of mom in the world scolds her daughter for emptying her glass?”
“Right here, right here.”
Whether in Korea or Italy, our house had always been quiet.
So this kind of rowdy atmosphere still hadn’t fully grown on me, but if you asked if I disliked it, I didn’t think I particularly did.
How should I put it.
Is this what they call the smell of people living their lives?
I felt somehow warm and cozy, so I hugged the knees gathered in front of my chest tightly.
They say extremes meet.
Jiwoo’s house had a completely different atmosphere from ours—it was fun, yet on the other hand, I was envious.
Maybe Jiwoo had grown up to have a bright and cheerful personality because she was raised in this kind of atmosphere.
If I had been born and raised in a house like this too... hmm, I don’t know. I still couldn’t really imagine myself being outgoing.
Anyway.
It wasn’t like I was saying my family circumstances were unhappy or anything.
People are bound to envy what they don’t have, aren’t they?
Just like how you might envy an athlete with a big build and excellent physicality, it was simply that kind of feeling.
This family atmosphere, which I had felt for the first time in my life, looked so nice that I felt quite envious.
What if our family... got along this well too?
Come to think of it, ever since I was young, I hadn’t really liked holidays like Seollal or Chuseok when the family gathered.
I hated that relatives I hadn’t seen in a while would talk about this and that regarding me.
For whatever reason, they’d always end up fighting when they met, and I hated the subtly cold atmosphere that flowed between them.
Family should be more comfortable around each other.
I had memories of us growing more uncomfortable the more we gathered.
It was to the point that when all the relatives finally left and I could be alone in my room, I felt an immense sense of liberation.
Still, well... it was only once or twice a year.
And I was as used to the cold atmosphere of the house as I could be.
I’d never thought of myself as unhappy because of that, and the same was true now.
But seeing it like this, I was just a bit envious. What would it have been like to have a family like this...
This rowdy atmosphere wasn’t bad enough to make me feel that kind of envy.
“Alright, this time let’s have our in-law here give a toast! Yes?”
While I was lost in these thoughts, Jiwoo’s father raised his glass and spoke.
Then my Dad answered.
“Hmm? Haha. Shall I?”
...Hm.
I didn’t think what he had just called out was Dad’s name.
Was there an overly specific term in Korea for your daughter’s friend’s father?
Anyway, Dad, glass in hand, spoke with a quite happy-looking smile.
“You must have been anxious sick sending your precious daughter to that faraway country, so just as you have looked after her like this, I too will think of myself as family and look after her well. So don’t worry... cheers!”
“Cheers!”
Since when did Dad speak so well?
While I was newly surprised, everyone drained their glasses refreshingly.
Then Jiwoo’s father spoke.
“Not like family, I wish we’d become real family! I’m not just joking about being in-laws, in-laws. Haha!”
He said this while looking at me and Jiwoo and smiling, and we looked at each other and simultaneously shrugged our shoulders.
No matter what, how could we become real family...
*“Should we not open the window since it’s cold?”
“Do whatever you want.”
“Whatever I want? Then I’ll open it? I won’t take responsibility if you catch a cold.”
“Yeah...”
Quite late at night.
Should that be called a sunroof, or just a window?
Jiwoo opened wide the window set in the diagonal, slanted ceiling.
“...It is chilly.”
“I told you so. Close it?”
“No. It’s fine.”
“Okay. Bear with it a bit. Don’t be dramatic.”
“...”
Cold November night air poured in through the open window, making me hunch my shoulders.
At the same time, moonlight bright enough to sting poured in through the window and began illuminating the darkened room.
Brrr.
As I stood spellbound, blankly gazing at the night sky bathed in that moonlight, Jiwoo came and sat beside me.
I sneaked a glance... and saw her wrapped up in the blanket all by herself.
“...What.”
“It’s a bit chilly.”
“You said it was fine. There’s only one blanket.”
We could share the one... no.
Ahem.
I coughed unnecessarily and turned my head back to the night sky.
“...Should I close the window?”
“No. I like it.”
It was a bit chilly, but somehow my mind felt clear, so I felt good.
Maybe because I’d been breathing air mixed with alcohol for so long, I’d been feeling a bit dizzy.
Taking a deep breath, it felt like my polluted insides were being cleanly washed away.
While we were both silently gazing at the night sky like that.
“...Makes me think of the old days again.”
I nodded at Jiwoo’s words.
Seems Jiwoo was thinking the same thing.
I too was remembering when I was little, coming over to Jiwoo’s house and looking up at the night sky with the window open like now.
“Nothing’s changed between then and now. The living room is still noisy. And the stars over there are in the same place.”
It really seemed that way, so a snicker escaped me.
For some reason, the memory of that day, that time remained so vivid that I remembered everything.
It might sound a bit funny... but even the air and humidity of that time were vivid.
I think it was probably because it was the first act of rebellion I’d ever done.
Sleeping somewhere other than my own bed for a night had been an enormous rebellion for me back then.
Even when going to competitions in the countryside, there had always been someone who followed me around, so I had never slept alone.
Anyway.
Thanks to that, a memory that was already vivid felt like yesterday, no, like right now, when placed in the same situation.
It had been chilly like this then too, the adults’ laughter and chatter had been heard from far away in the living room, and the stars that looked like they would pour down had been twinkling in the same spot.
And... the person rolled up in a blanket by herself next to me was exactly the same too.
So somehow my feelings were strange.
Between then and now, it felt like I was the only one who had changed...
“Hey, look. It’s the Big Dipper. It’s super bright today.”
“Where...?”
“There! Take the brightest one there and connect this, this, this, and it’s the Big Dipper.”
Thanks to Jiwoo, who pointed at the sky and made a fuss while I’d been needlessly lost in sentiment, I snapped out of it.
...Which part was the Big Dipper?
Come to think of it, I think Jiwoo had taught me how to find the Big Dipper back then too, but they had all looked the same to my eyes so I couldn’t find it well.
It was the same now.
The funny thing was I remembered all sorts of useless things, but I couldn’t remember how to find the Big Dipper.
“See it?”
“...I don’t know.”
“I definitely taught you before, didn’t I? You forgot?”
“Yeah.”
“Ah, seriously. Here, look. Bring your face here.”
...!
She didn’t really have to go that far, but Jiwoo pulled my face and pressed it against her hand pointing at the sky.
And then she manually adjusted my gaze... aiming it at a brightly shining star.
“See. Connect this, this, this, and this... and it’s a ladle shape. See?”
“...Yeah.”
“That’s the Big Dipper. Okay?”
“...Okay.”
...Honestly I still didn’t really get it, but I pretended to more or less understand.
Because if I didn’t get it again, I would definitely get hit.
By the way, I didn’t know why I couldn’t tell even when I looked.
Just... all of them twinkling looked pretty, that’s all.
It was just amazing how Jiwoo could tell which was which.
Big Dipper or whatever, a night sky full of stars was just beautiful.
Wasn’t that enough.
“Hey.”
“Yeah.”
“Remember that time? We wished on stars while watching them. Right here.”
“...Yeah.”
Wished... we did.
We had been so innocent back then.
Because we had really wished, truly hoping those stars would grant our wishes.
“What did you wish for back then?”
“...My wish?”
“Yeah. You can tell me now, can’t you?”
“You first.”
“I asked first! You first.”
...Hm.
What I had wished for back then was...
“...To get better at soccer.”
“That’s all?”
“...Yeah.”
When I nodded, Jiwoo smirked as if it was bland and shook her head.
And then she soon said.
“It came true?”
“What do you mean came true?”
“It did. You got good. Look at your greed. How much better do you have to get?”
Jiwoo looked at me as if dumbfounded, and I too smirked and shook my head.
“...Actually, I cut out the context when I told you.”
“What do you mean? Cut out the context?”
“I didn’t just wish to get better... I wished to become the best in the world.”
Embarrassed for no reason, I quickly spilled the truth as if tossing it out.
Because I had thought back then that just being good wouldn’t change anything.
“Still, well, it’s in the process of coming true. I guess.”
“...I hope so.”
“Hey, look. When do you think the starlight we see over there is from?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, ah damn. You fell asleep in science class, didn’t you.”
“Yeah. I did.”
“Aren’t you too shameless? Anyway, light takes time to travel all the way here too. No matter how fast it is, the distance is enormous, so the light we’re seeing now might actually be from several years ago.”
I nodded vigorously at her passionate explanation.
Of course I didn’t understand, but I just needed the teacher to be satisfied.
“But so what?”
“So, it means it takes time. Wishes don’t come true instantly. They come true gradually.”
“...I guess so.”
Why was she so eloquent today?
At Jiwoo’s words, I put on a sappy smile and looked at the night sky.
Was this the power of late-night sentimentality after all.
“...”
Then, I suddenly caught something I’d almost forgotten and let slide.
“So what about you?”
“Me what?”
“I asked what you wished for.”
“...Me?”
“Then who else is here but you?”
I waited a moment without answering, and Jiwoo hesitated a bit before speaking.
“I... um...”
What kind of wish had she made that she was dragging it out like this?
I waited silently, but she showed no sign of finishing her thoughts, so I looked at Jiwoo, and Jiwoo stuck her tongue out like an elementary schooler and said.
“It’s a secret, you dummy.”
“...”
“You’re not supposed to tell your wish to others. Fool.”
...Then why had she asked me to tell her?
I sighed in disbelief and shook my head.
Then Jiwoo too teased me, asking why I was so naive as if it was funny, but I didn’t really get angry.
Because I hadn’t told her everything either.
Wishing to get better at soccer had only been one of my wishes.
Actually there was more.
There was more, but somehow I couldn’t say it.
I couldn’t say it... but I was certain that at least one of those wishes had come true.
Even now, years since then... because Jiwoo was by my side.