Chapter 155. Guilt
2024.02.02.
Herdin toured the port with the chief overseer of the port construction.
Since the winter brought strong winds and the workers' bodies became sluggish, leading to many accidents, the port construction was temporarily halted.
Herdin intended to identify the gaps in the blueprints before this winter passed and make the design more meticulous. So that construction could commence as soon as spring arrived.
The chief overseer, who had been walking with Herdin and reporting on the port construction plans, moved on to the next agenda item.
"Ah, and the conversation with the shipbuilder you mentioned earlier went well too. They said they would start designing the ship as soon as they receive the deposit."
"Since it will take time for the port to be completed, there's no rush, but the longer they review the blueprints, the better. But did they say my requirements could be incorporated?"
"Yes. They simply haven't built them so far, but adding more passenger cabins isn't a difficult task."
"Good work."
Herdin had commissioned the shipbuilder to design a large vessel. A port without ships was meaningless.
Of course, once the port was built, ships would naturally gather, but he intended to expand the business a bit further.
To build a large ship under the name of Delmark, and to be able to directly import and export goods from the continent across the sea.
Not only that, but he also decided to build a massive passenger ship dedicated to carrying people. Larger and more luxurious than any passenger ship that existed until now.
That ship would become Ardel's first passenger ship to connect Ardel with the lands across the sea.
'Can you take me to the sea later when I grow up?'
Blair had always wanted to go to the sea, to see the wide world beyond it.
But the promise to take her to the sea went unfulfilled, and she eventually reached the sea by her own strength.
Though that promise could not be kept, he wanted to forge the path to a new world across the sea for her.
'I'll give you this sea.'
'…….'
'The sea suits you.'
The promise he made while looking at this sea the day before parting with Blair, that one he had to keep.
The day the port is completed and she crosses this sea on a passenger ship. What expression will she make as she gazes upon the vast expanse of the ocean?
Herdin, whose lips had curled up unbidden as he imagined Blair's joyful face, turned his gaze upon sensing approaching footsteps.
"Your Excellency!"
It was one of the mansion's servants. His pale, drained face suggested something was amiss.
And a sinister premonition struck him that this had something to do with Blair.
Before Herdin could ask what was wrong, the servant gasped out urgently:
"My lady…… has started having contractions."
At that news, his mind went blank.
* * *
Having heard the news about Blair, Herdin rode his horse and immediately returned to the mansion.
The butler of the Libren mansion, who happened to be inspecting the mansion's entrance, was quite flustered to see Herdin entering.
"Y-Your Excellency?"
Herdin had gone out with Ruth, but he had returned alone without Ruth anywhere in sight, at an earlier hour than scheduled, and looking thoroughly disheveled.
What startled him the most was Herdin's expression, colder than ever before. Yet at the same time, it looked somehow precarious. The atmosphere was completely different from when he had left the mansion.
Herdin didn't ask the butler anything and went straight up to the second floor where the bedroom was. It was better to see with his own eyes than to spend time asking the butler.
Herdin's breathing grew rapid as he strode across the second-floor hallway. At the same time, his face contorted painfully.
He didn't even know what state of mind he had been in while returning to the mansion. From the moment he heard that Blair had started having contractions, he hadn't been in his right mind.
The moment he heard that news, the memories of his past life came flooding back.
'Your Excellency! My lady has given birth to the young master!'
The memory of not being by her side at that moment when she must have been most frightened, the moment she needed her husband more than ever.
Remembering the Blair of his past life, who must have died alone and lonely while he was away……
He felt like he was going mad. That memory felt like it was strangling him, making it impossible to breathe properly.
As he rode his horse back to the mansion, he prayed desperately.
Please, let me not be too late.
This time, let me be by your side……
Walking down the hallway that felt like it stretched for thousands of miles, Herdin finally reached the door and went straight in without even knocking.
As he entered the bedroom through the reception room, the first thing he saw were Melly and Lina looking at him with rather flustered eyes.
And behind them, Blair was sitting leaning against the headboard of the bed.
At his earlier-than-scheduled return, Blair stared at him with wide, surprised eyes.
"Herdin?"
Herdin strode toward her. The first thing he saw was her belly, still round and swollen just as it had been before he left.
Seeing her belly and Blair looking fine, he could finally breathe again.
"Why did you come back so early?"
"……They said you were having contractions."
"Ah……. Someone must have told you."
Blair made an awkward expression. It seemed she had hoped the news wouldn't reach him. At her reaction, Herdin's eyes turned cold.
Blair signaled Lina and Melly to leave, and explained what had happened as if to reassure him.
"It's false labor. As you can see, the baby is still fine in there."
"What's the cause of the symptoms? Because of the long-distance travel recently? Because I pushed you too hard yesterday? Or—"
Herdin's hand was trembling as his voice gradually rose. Seeing this, Blair grabbed his hand.
"Herdin, calm down. I'm fine. Our baby is fine too."
Even at Blair's words that she was fine, Herdin couldn't stop the trembling of his hand. Looking at him with pity, Blair pulled down the blanket covering her belly.
Just then, the baby's squirming movement on her round belly could be clearly seen.
"See? Our baby says they're fine too."
Blair guided his hand and placed it on her belly, calming him down.
"It's not your fault. It's a common symptom as the baby's due date approaches."
"……."
"Were you very startled? I told them not to tell you because I thought you would be."
The fact that Blair hadn't informed him of this news and tried to endure it alone made his heart crumble once more.
At the same time, he suddenly recalled Blair's poor expression that morning before he left the mansion.
It had been since then. She had been having symptoms.
She had endured the pain. Afraid that if she showed it, he would worry. Afraid it would interfere with his work.
A laugh, like a sob, escaped him at his own stupidity for not noticing. No matter how many times he tried to suppress and swallow the surging emotions, they wouldn't subside.
"Every time you say you're fine…… I feel like I'm going to go mad."
It was the same during their time in Icar.
The pregnancy he had watched from her side was a much more difficult and arduous process than what he had vaguely heard in words. Her body changed by the day, and there were many struggles even without pain.
But Blair faced those changes calmly, without any sign of fear. Every time he saw her like that, his heart ached, thinking she was so used to preparing alone in her past life.
The guilt that occupied a corner of his heart would tear at and stab his heart whenever it found an opening. Like an awl hidden in a pocket.
And that awl would never disappear. Even if she didn't remind him of its existence.
"So please, let me do something for you."
"……."
"If it's hard, say it's hard. If you're scared, say you're scared. If it hurts, say it hurts……. Like that."
"Herdin."
"You said we'd do everything together. You said that's what being a couple is."
Blair quietly watched him crumbling under guilt, then gently stroked his hand, which was still trembling slightly, and spoke.
"Actually, I was a little scared, but I wasn't too worried because I knew you'd come soon. And you really did come this quickly."
"……."
"Even now, you're doing well enough as a husband and as a father."
She must be the one having the hardest time, and even if she blamed him by overlapping the past with the present he would have no excuse, yet she was comforting him instead.
"Just being by my side is enough."
"That is doing well."
Herdin quietly gazed into Blair's eyes as she said that.
Her eyes, filled with him, were sparkling.
Just like that time when she had loved him purely, unchanged.
"Come here. I'll praise you."
Blair patted the space next to her and smiled. There was no way he could refuse his wife's command that wasn't quite a command.
Herdin sat down beside her. But instead of a kiss, he pulled her into his embrace.
Blair, who seemed briefly startled by the sudden embrace, leaned quietly against him and hugged his back in return.
At the faint milky scent emanating from her, at her comforting touch, the trembling of his body that hadn't been able to subside finally stilled.
It was around then that Blair opened her mouth.
"Herdin."
"……."
"Forget about the past. I've forgotten it all."
Her gentle voice settled down as if stroking his heart. Listening to that voice, Herdin realized anew.
He loved this woman.
There was no way he couldn't love her.
* * *
The contractions began exactly the evening before the day Ashiel was born. As if remembering the day of their own birth.