As if making a mockery of the warning to come back before sunset and not be late, my first outing ended before it had even lasted two hours by my reckoning.
On the way back, between the two people who said nothing the entire time, I too could not say a word and merely fiddled for no reason with the cord ornament on my clothes.
The suffocating, stifling silence continued until we arrived at the manor gates.
“Jeongi, you may return. I will call for you separately later.”
As soon as we arrived, Hwaya turned back and told Jeongi to leave. Jeongi bowed without complaint and departed.
Once Jeongi had gone, the already awkward atmosphere seemed to grow even more awkward.
Until yesterday, I had spent most of my time with Hwaya, and yet, as if that meant nothing, the Hwaya before me now was harder to face than she had been on the first day of my possession.
In Hwaya’s eyes, was I still her pitiful mistress who had lost her memories? Or was I an alien existence?
“My lady. Shall we go to your room?”
Unlike my complicated heart, Hwaya held out her hand to me as usual. As though I were the only one who found this awkward.
That considerate hand that held me so I would not fall, that matched its pace to my steps. It was a kindness I had naturally accepted ever since possessing this body, and yet only now did it begin to weigh on my mind.
How had I held that hand until now? Had I perhaps been holding it strangely all this time? Such thoughts began to fill my head more and more.
The hand I would have reached out so naturally even this morning would not move easily. In my own way, I paid as much attention as I could as I extended my right hand and placed it on Hwaya’s.
Was it strange? Awkward? Different?
From excessive tension, it felt as though the sound of my heart was filling my entire body for the first time in a very long while. Though I had complained of sleepiness as recently as this morning, sweat began to bead in the palm clasping Hwaya’s hand.
Until now I had been lying down, being fed fruit, even receiving help with bathing and living just fine, so it was truly ridiculous of me to start worrying about this only now.
But once I had given up on choosing for myself and begun to consciously act like Ryu Sua, I could not help but become bothered by every tiny thing.
Like breathing, which one usually does naturally, becoming endlessly awkward the moment one becomes aware of it, even each step I took toward my room felt awkward.
“My lady. Then please rest comfortably. If you call, I will come at once.”
After only helping me take off my accessories such as my hairpin and norigae, as well as the outer robe I had been wearing over everything else, Hwaya went outside, and I simply nodded to her.
Only after the door closed and I confirmed that Hwaya had completely disappeared could I finally let out the breath I had been holding. The long sigh I released was mixed with relief and an inexplicable unease.
Barely supporting my unsteady body, I sank silently to the floor. I must have been so tense that my whole body was drenched in sweat, and I felt the unpleasant sensation of my damp inner garment clinging to my skin.
The faint chill rising from the floor seemed to slowly erase that discomfort, so my seated body gradually leaned to the side, and I decided to lie facedown on the floor and savor the coolness.
But my time alone would not be long. When dinner approached, Hwaya would return, tidy me up simply, and then I would have to eat dinner with Sohwi.
“Haha….”
When dinner with Sohwi came to mind, the worry I had felt toward Hwaya spread like wildfire, and I began to worry about Sohwi’s gaze as well. It was not as if we had shared only a few meals. What if, during that time, I had unknowingly given them some strange impression?
In a world where mysterious beings capable of taking human form and alien existences called calamities actually existed, supernatural powers like magic or sorcery seemed entirely plausible.
…A method for dealing with an existence like me, who had taken over someone else’s body, seemed plausible too. Damn it.
What if the suspicions that piled up one by one eventually became certainty, and in the end they looked at me with cold eyes and tried to get rid of me?
“Ugh….”
Why was it?
It had only been a few days since I began seeing their faces, and yet imagining them looking at me coldly made it feel as though my breath were being cut off.
Had I grown attached to them in just a few days? Or had I already become addicted to the goodwill they showed me and this comfortable life?
Why, why was I so anxious? On the first day of my possession, I had tried to run away the moment I saw his face, so why was I now so afraid of losing the goodwill I had been deceitfully accepting?
Had I been under the delusion that I was the real “Ryu Sua”? Get a grip. I’m not Ryu Sua.
I am merely an uninvited guest who arbitrarily took a place inside Ryu Sua’s body. If someday a path back to my original world appears, or if for various reasons I am exposed as not being “Ryu Sua,” I am an existence that will be driven out in one way or another.
And yet, despite that, I had been far too complacent until now. Had I already forgotten the resolve I made while looking in the mirror on the first day? With what kind of nerve had I taken his kindness for granted?
I should have made at least the minimum effort. I should have at least pretended to play along with their efforts. Instead of hiding only behind the excuse of amnesia, I should have made an effort to earn their goodwill.
Now that I had realized it, I could start trying from now on. After all, the fact that I was deceiving and misleading them would not change.
I should not make choices like myself, but choices like Ryu Sua. At least until the convenient excuse of amnesia loses its effect.
And yet, perhaps I could not help the selfishness that refused to give up my original self entirely. I could simply marry Sohwi, receive his love, and live an easy life. But these paltry memories of having been a man made it impossible to choose that so easily.
Truly. Even I am confused about what I am trying to do.
It just feels as though my head is far too tangled, and nameless sensations keep colliding and reaching strange conclusions.
Still, for now, I only want to rest comfortably until Hwaya returns. That much is certain.
***
After spending time lying facedown on the floor and staring blankly into the air, the sun had already tilted, and shadows began to stretch long around the window.
Perhaps because I had spent several days without a clock, preparing for dinner at the same time each day. I could now tell that it was about time for Hwaya to return.
I raised myself up and slowly stretched. Looking at the door Hwaya would enter through, I curled up the corners of my mouth as much as I could. Soon after, the door opened, and Hwaya entered the room.
“My lady. Are you feeling a little better?”
“Yes. I’m fine. Thank you for worrying about me.”
As kindly as possible, as brightly as possible.
Because, from the few things they had said and the Ryu Sua I had sensed, she was a woman who was kind and bright to everyone, like sunshine.
I smiled with all my might and answered.
“…Are you truly all right?”
Was something lacking? Why did Hwaya look even more worried instead?
I did not know. I must look fine.
“Yes. I’m really fine. I have to see my lord soon, after all. Shall we get ready quickly?”
“…”
Again, Hwaya seemed to want to say something.
But this time, too, she only moved her lips.
“Yes. Then I will prepare you.”
“I leave it to you.”
A quiet answer returned.
As expected, I must have looked fine. After all, I was smiling so much.
In my own way, like an innocent woman looking forward to meeting the male lead, Sohwi.
As usual, the simple adornment was finished quickly, and Hwaya withdrew from the room as she always did. After that, Sohwi opened the door and entered.
“Are you feeling somewhat better? I heard the outing you had been looking forward to ended so quickly, so I was worried.”
As soon as he saw my face, Sohwi asked after me. Most likely, everything that had happened today had reached Sohwi’s ears.
Because Hwaya would have reported to him after arriving in order to discuss what should be done with Jeongi.
“Yes. Since it was my first outing in a long while, I suppose my body was startled. After resting a little, I became fine. My lord. Hehe.”
I spoke with a slight hint of childishness, as though acting cute.
No matter what I did, Sohwi’s smile had never left his lips during the time we spent together, so if I acted as though I were approaching him first, he would surely like it.
“Hmm… so this is what she meant.”
But Sohwi’s expression had stiffened subtly. As though something bothered him, he muttered something to himself and sat down across from me as usual.
Once Sohwi sat down, the maid who had brought in the meal quickly set the table between Sohwi and me, then withdrew.
After roughly glancing over the prepared meal, I spoke to Sohwi again.
“It looks delicious today, too. My lord, are you having trouble with your chopsticks again….”
“Before that.”
Sohwi cut off what I was about to say and rose from his seat. Wondering what on earth was going on, I was about to stand as well, but Sohwi raised his hand to stop me as if telling me not to get up.
Then he slowly moved his feet and gradually approached me, reached out, and covered both of my eyes with one hand.
“Um… my lord? I can’t see like this. Why are you doing this?”
Flustered by Sohwi’s sudden action of covering my eyes, I asked, but Sohwi merely remained still with my eyes covered.
After staying like that for a long while without saying a word, Sohwi quietly opened his mouth.
“You. Can you tell me what was set on the table today?”
“Pardon? That would be… that is….”
As I could not say anything, stammering and hesitating, Sohwi quietly spoke again.
“My wife. It does not seem to me that you are all right at all. It seems we need to have a somewhat honest conversation.”
Unlike usual, his voice was calm and without a trace of laughter.
“What are you suddenly saying? My lord? I can’t eat like this, so please move your hand. All right?”