I spilled out, one by one, the absurd worries I’d been dealing with to Siu.
The story of how I’d turned into a woman overnight, the thoughts I’d had after changing, and why I hadn’t gone to the hospital.
For quite a long while, Siu listened silently to my rambling story with his arms crossed.
Unlike usual, the mischievous look he always wore was gone, and he listened with a fairly serious expression, nodding from time to time.
“Hmm…”
After listening in silence for a long time, Siu carefully opened his mouth.
“…But then wouldn’t it be better to contact your parents first instead of me?”
“Ugh.”
He was right. Painfully right.
“…”
I couldn’t tell him the reason.
Instead of answering, I lowered my head. It was a question I’d expected, but it was hard to explain these complicated feelings to Siu.
No, this feeling had to be mine alone. It wasn’t the kind of emotion that should be shared with someone else.
“You know how people say the only ones truly on your side are family. Well, I mean, this situation is pretty unusual, but…”
Siu gave an awkward laugh and scratched the back of his head, then, seeing my expression darken, hurriedly added as if he’d realized his mistake.
“Ah, that doesn’t mean I’m not on your side. That’s just what I think.”
“Ah, yeah. Right…”
An awkward atmosphere drifted through the room.
I was the one who broke that heavy silence. Not by choice.
Growl—
A rather loud sound cut through the quiet of the room.
“E-eat. First.”
Siu cleared his throat and fully opened the lid of the lunch box for me.
I picked up the chopsticks and hurriedly shoved rice into my mouth.
When I’d eaten about half of it, Siu, who had been watching silently, spoke to me.
“But didn’t your body change a little over two weeks ago? Why are you already out of living expenses?”
“Eh…”
“You weren’t exactly the type to spend money recklessly, either.”
Siu asked, looking puzzled. My motion of chewing and swallowing in a rush came to a halt.
“Right… Hmm…”
“You don’t have to say it if you don’t want to.”
I slowly set down the chopsticks I was holding and lowered my head.
“No, it’s not that I can’t say it…”
“Then what is it?”
“V… Failed…”
“Huh? What?”
“I tried to become a VTuber, but I failed…”
A voice as small as a mosquito slipped out from between my lips. I glanced sideways to check Siu’s expression.
Siu froze with his mouth hanging open, then covered it and began shaking his shoulders.
“…”
“Pfft, heh!”
In the end, Siu couldn’t hold it in and burst out laughing.
“Ah, sorry! I’m seriously sorry for laughing! You really… A VTuber? Well, I mean, your voice isn’t bad, but… khh!”
“…Don’t laugh. I thought about it seriously before doing it…”
Was it really something to laugh that hard about? A wave of self-loathing washed over me.
“No, but that’s just a little… Khahaha! Ah, sorry, sorry.”
After laughing for a long while, he stared at me.
“But why a VTuber of all things?”
“Because I couldn’t think of anything else I could do in this body…”
Once I said it out loud, even more self-loathing flooded in.
Had becoming a VTuber really been the best choice?
“I-I could receive money under my original name. I wouldn’t have to reveal my identity…”
“So that’s why you tried to become a VTuber? And how did that go?”
“I-it flopped…”
Siu, for some reason finding my words endlessly amusing, couldn’t stop laughing.
“Then should I tell you something too?”
“What…?”
“To be honest, I tried doing babiniku before.”
At the words Siu tossed out so casually, I shot back with genuine disgust.
“Ha, that’s honestly kind of gross…”
A moment of silence. The faint grin that had been creeping over Siu’s face evaporated in an instant.
Siu slowly, very slowly, leaned his head toward me.
He smelled like cigarettes.
“…Hey, say that one more time.”
I didn’t avert my eyes and stared straight at him as I spoke slowly. One word at a time, each one packed full of contempt.
“It’s. Honestly. Gross.”
“Ugh…”
Siu clutched his chest and staggered backward. The strangely rewarded look on his face sent chills down my entire body.
“…Crazy bastard.”
* * *
Siu talked with me for quite a while longer before getting up from his seat.
“Make sure you tell your parents. Before it gets any later. You need to sort this out before it turns into something you can’t handle.”
Then, before stepping out the front door, Siu looked back and said,
“Still, don’t worry too much, and if you need anything or if things get hard, tell me right away.”
Instead of answering, I nodded.
I kept staring at the closed front door. Someday, I would have to open that door and leave.
But I wasn’t mentally prepared.
If I could put it off, I wanted to put it off until the absolute limit.
Yes, at least until before the graduation ceremony.
That was the Maginot line I had set for myself.
The graduation ceremony coming in a month. Something I had no choice but to go through. Something I couldn’t run away from.
There was the option of disappearing completely, but that would be too cruel to the few people around me.
I didn’t even have the courage to live alone in this body.
One way or another, I had to let Mom know. The fact that her son had turned into her daughter.
‘I’ll be able to go back someday, right…?’
Suddenly, the future felt bleak.
I might never return to my original body and might have to keep living like this.
My eyes caught on the lunch box, half of it still left because I’d gotten too full to finish.
“Ah. There’s some left…”
My voice, still unfamiliar to me, spread toward the ceiling of the room.
This voice and this body would surely become familiar with time.
Whether I liked it or not, I would get used to them.
I put the leftover lunch box into the refrigerator.
* * *
In the bathroom that morning, the pathetic figure reflected in the mirror caught my eye.
The pajamas that had originally been mine now hung awkwardly on me, as though I’d borrowed someone else’s clothes.
‘So this is what I looked like…’
A precariously low neckline that looked like it might slip down to my chest, and sleeves that drooped loosely when I raised my hands.
Looking as if I’d stolen my boyfriend’s clothes and put them on, I seemed a little pitiful.
‘Should I buy clothes?’
But I had no money.
Lying on my bed, I sent a text with my smartphone.
[Siu]
[What]
[Can you lend me some money?]
[I was wondering why you hadn’t asked when you said you had no money]
It was the first time in my life I’d ever asked someone to lend me money.
The tips of my ears burned with humiliation.
[I don’t have clothes to wear outside, and I don’t have money for food. I’ll definitely pay you back later. Seriously]
There was no reply from Siu.
“Ah… Maybe I shouldn’t have sent that…”
Then a notification immediately appeared at the top of my smartphone.
[Seong Siu from Cocoa Bank has sent you 500,000 won.]
“Eh…?”
At the amount, which was larger than I’d expected, my throat naturally opened in surprise.
And the moment the transfer notification disappeared, a text arrived.
[This is my limit too. Pay me back later.]
[Thank you.]
It seemed I really had picked one good friend.
I immediately lay on my stomach, opened a shopping app on my phone, and entered the clothing category.
Even though I knew there was no point in pressing the men’s category, my finger wandered for a moment.
In the end, when I pressed Women - Casual, the bright pastel tones and lace filling the screen made my breath catch.
‘No matter what, me wearing stuff like this is a bit…’
My pride still wouldn’t allow me to wear clothes like that.
I decided to just pick clothes that anyone could wear regardless of gender.
I chose designs as similar as possible to the clothes I used to wear.
Things as simple and plain-colored as possible. Combinations of black and white.
Ah, I could allow gray too.
Before adding the clothes to my cart, I stopped at the selection options.
S, M…
I had always chosen M, or L if I wanted to wear something a little loose.
If I carelessly picked a size and the difference was so big I couldn’t wear it, that would be a disaster in its own way.
In that case, I had to measure myself.
* * *
“Haa…”
When I took off my clothes to measure myself, self-loathing flooded in.
The cold air brushed against my body. I lowered my head and looked at myself.
A body made of soft curves—my waist looked like it could be completely covered if I placed my two palms side by side.
‘Are all my organs really inside this?’
With trembling hands, I wrapped the tape measure around my waist. The moment the cold metal end touched my skin, goosebumps erupted violently.
After my waist came my chest.
‘I was supposed to measure the upper bust and underbust separately… But do I even need to measure when it’s this size?’
I tossed the tape measure I was holding aside and placed my hand on my chest.
A vivid sensation traveled up my fingertips and stimulated my brain.
Under normal circumstances, it might have been moving, but maybe because it was my own body, I felt nothing.
‘Hmm… It’s there, but…’
All I felt through my palm was the faint beat of my heart, soft skin, and the hardness of bone beyond that skin.
To put it simply, it was flat.
“Mm…”
Misery and relief surged over me at the same time. I felt pathetic for having just wondered whether I needed to buy something like a bra.
Well, that was better, actually.
If something big had been attached to me, I might not have been able to keep my sanity.
“Ah.”
Why was I thinking about breast size? I shook my head left and right to get ahold of myself.
I selected the sizes for the clothes I’d looked at earlier and put them in my cart.
A faint hesitation caught at the tips of my fingers as I slowly scrolled up and down through the cart list.
Plainly designed pajamas, a plainly designed solid-colored hoodie, plain jogger pants, and achromatic socks and underwear.
“This much should be fine…”
I muttered softly out loud.
They were the designs I used to wear, very ordinary and plain designs, with only the sizes changed a little.
After all, I had carefully selected only the options that would protect the last of my pride.
Even from now on, I would absolutely never wear feminine clothes.
“Mm…”
I rolled once across the bed.
The ceiling spun, and even as my vision shook, my gaze stayed fixed on the button at the bottom of the screen.
[Pay Now]
Press—
My hesitation before pressing the button was long, but the finger that pressed it was light.