Chapter 100
Lord and Lady Joseph left the estate the day after Isaac and Sasha’s wedding. According to Lady Joseph, it was a period so busy that she could not even sleep for a few hours a day. Despite such a time, they had come solely out of affection for their nephew.
Thanks to Lady Joseph, Count Joseph, who had cleared up his misunderstanding about Sasha, exchanged warm greetings with Sasha, who had come out to see them off. He also conveyed his wish for her to take good care of his nephew. Then, after looking at Isaac with a strange gaze for a moment, he said he would write, and boarded the carriage with his wife. In that brief instant, Isaac realized Count Joseph had seen Diane through him.
Following the Josephs, the Vaux family was the next to leave the estate. Sasha, of course, saw off their family without partiality, and it was only right before boarding the carriage that Mrs. Vaux first offered an apology to Sasha.
She drew out her words at length, saying that since they had shown each other unpleasant sides, she hoped they might next meet in a better place and in better spirits. Strictly speaking, it was not an apology. The main point was that, while they too had been in the wrong, Sasha had also been quite rude, so they should simply let bygones be bygones.
While his wife was speaking with Sasha, Mr. Vaux had already boarded the carriage first, as if it were none of his concern. Mrs. Hudson watched their conversation with a rather sharp and prickly expression, perhaps worried that Sasha might bring further disgrace upon her younger sister.
“Thank you for welcoming us so warmly. I hope we shall meet again?”
Among them, only Philip was amiable. The young Philip had been openly enthusiastic toward Isaac, and Isaac answered him with a far more relaxed expression, “Of course. Come anytime.” Rachel watched the scene with a somewhat strange gaze, and when her eyes met Sasha’s, she audibly huffed, snorted, and pulled herself to sit deeper inside the carriage. For some reason, Sasha found herself not disliking the girl’s behavior.
“Anyway, those siblings got what they wanted.”
Watching the carriage carrying the Vaux family grow distant, Sasha murmured as if to herself. Isaac looked down at her with a belatedly sheepish expression.
“Philip is a fine child. And above all, because of my wedding, he was all but used by the adults…….”
“I am not scolding you. Even if I had said something about that tuition matter, you need not concern yourself with it. You know that.”
For a moment, Isaac lost his words and felt offended. Though he knew her words were fair, the way she so naturally treated herself as an outsider stung, leaving him in low spirits.
“Do as you wish, Isaac. You are the master of this place now.”
Sasha continued, and Isaac hid his turbulent thoughts behind a mumble, “……Yes,” barely managing a reply.
Anyway, even after the Josephs and the Vaux family had departed, the wedding reception and afterparty continued for two more days.
Just as Isaac was seeing them after a long while, they too were meeting one another after some time. After breakfast, the ladies took walks around the estate with Sasha, and when teatime came, they sat around together and chatted.
The men gathered separately to smoke and play cards, or freely discussed business matters that their wives must never discover.
Pressed by Sasha’s insistence, Isaac reluctantly kept company with the men. The atmosphere was awkward and suffocating, as they were uncomfortable with Isaac just as much as he was uncomfortable with them, but after some thought, Isaac clumsily attempted to mimic Sasha.
He asked about things he was not curious about as if he were, asked what something was simply because it caught his eye, and praised things as impressive even though he did not think them so at all.
And the effect was quite good. As Isaac approached them first, as if breaking down a wall, the men began asking him this and that favorably, as if they had been waiting. They praised Isaac’s achievements in the army, subtly pried, and repeated their admiration, confirming that this large, intimidating man was a decent fellow after all.
Just as on Isaac’s side, the gathering of Sasha and the ladies continued in a harmonious atmosphere. Contrary to some people’s concerns, Sasha had returned to being polite and kind, as if nothing had ever happened, and treated everyone with warmth.
So, as long as they did not rashly bring up the new Count’s affairs like those foolish families had. The ladies tacitly understood this fact. Even if Sasha had acted rudely and childishly toward them, from their perspective, they had far more reason to stay in the good graces of this wealthy woman.
“I should very much like to meet with you separately later, Mrs. Finch.”
“Of course. I feel the same.”
“How about around autumn? Or perhaps winter?”
Behind Mrs. Cooper, who was rather tenaciously pressing the matter, the other ladies’ eyes shone as if waiting their turn. Rather than immediately accepting, Sasha replied, “It would be best to discuss the specifics by letter, Mrs. Cooper.”
Only when their respective engagements ended and late night fell could Sasha and Isaac finally reunite in the bedroom. As on the first night, Isaac still found it difficult to lie down beside her. Especially when she had just washed and was even slightly damp, he would not openly look at her.
Could she truly be that translucent?
“It all ends today. Tomorrow the guests will all be gone.”
“……You have worked hard because of me. Thank you, Miss Grayson.”
Sasha was about to turn off the lamp on the nightstand but stopped, looking at Isaac’s back as he lay there. She gazed at him with a strange expression for a long moment, then soon said, “Good night,” and extinguished the lamp.
He heard the rustle of her settling down behind him. As if it mattered not whether she answered, Isaac spoke once more.
“Truly, thank you. Miss Grayson.”
For everything. For all of it.
He faintly sensed Sasha sigh.
“If you are so grateful, you could always compensate me financially to match your gratitude.”
“……How much do you need?”
Sasha fell silent for a moment. A sigh of exasperation was heard again.
“I was joking, Captain.”
“I was joking as well.”
Isaac replied, as if he had been waiting for that.
A cool answer came from Sasha shortly after.
“Do not copy me.”
＊＊＊
But his gratitude was sincere, at least. He did not know if it had begun when he heard those words of thanks from that arrogant cousin Rachel. In any case, since that day, rather strange emotions had rushed over Isaac.
The estate had merely felt suffocating, but with Sasha, it was bearable. And not only that. She continued to act in ways most unlike herself, transforming the estate into a far more breathable place.
Even after hearing his past, she treated him no differently than before. She did not clumsily pity him. Whether it had been a delusion or not, for an instant, he had seen something in her expressionless face as she had looked at him—something that felt strangely like kinship. Because of that, Isaac had been able to lay bare all the things he had considered his shameful weaknesses. It was only that, as if bewitched by something, by the time he came to his senses, he had already poured everything out.
“Do you want to forgive them now?”
After all the stories had ended, she had simply asked him that. She had asked if he wanted to forgive.
Forgive whom? Edmund, who was already dead? Or the parents who had stood by and watched despite knowing everything? Or all the people around him who had played their part in isolating him while pretending sympathy?
It was an old grievance that could hardly even be called anger now. Isaac had thought so himself. He had dismissed it as a matter of the past, too late to blame, trivializing it to himself as nothing more than a “minor personal affair.”
“That is by no means a ‘small and trivial’ matter. If thinking so comforts you, I cannot say, but well. Do you truly wish to think that way?”
Sasha asked again, as if to confirm, and after a long silence, Isaac answered, “No.”
“It is not that I want to receive an apology, but still……. There is something I want to confirm.”
Isaac continued. He said there was something he wished to confirm.
The next day, after all the guests had left. While the servants were busily clearing away the remnants of the reception that had lasted several days, Sasha said she should go see Caroline. Mrs. Penon had left, so she must be lonely.
Isaac naturally headed to the Count’s study. After knocking and entering, the Count turned to him as if he had been waiting.
“It seems no one properly apologized.”
“…….”
The Count spoke the moment he saw Isaac. It had been only two days since Isaac had threatened that he would make them apologize, telling the Count not to interfere. Belatedly, Isaac felt his face burn.
“I shall persuade them, and at the very least, make them apologize by letter.”
“It is all right. She said it was fine. I also received something resembling an apology while seeing them off, and if I continue, I fear I will only burden her along with that child…….”
“So be it.”
“I was overwrought that night as well. Of course, it was because they crossed the line first. In any case, seeing them off, I do not believe they will dare treat her rashly ever again. Then that is enough. She is right. She is far wiser than I am…….”
While Isaac rambled on at some length, the Count watched him with a strange expression.
“I am the one who is sorry, Isaac. I did not know they would cause such trouble. I tried to mediate, yet I only hurt your feelings instead. As Diane said, I have no talent for such matters.”
Isaac pressed his eyes shut, as if the Count’s next words were all too predictable.
“……And about Edmund, too, I was sorry. Isaac.”
Both Edmund and Diane were already dead. Edmund, who had never apologized despite Isaac wanting it more than anyone, was dead and gone. Diane, who had wanted to see Isaac until the day she closed her eyes more than anyone, was also dead and gone.
All that remained was the Count, his father, and he now apologized to Isaac as if unloading a debt he had long carried.
No—truthfully, there had been plenty of opportunities before. The Count had been seeking Isaac all along. When Isaac did not reply, he made all manner of excuses regarding household matters, and sometimes used Caroline to reach him.
It must have been because he had wanted to apologize like this.
Each time, Isaac had fled. Because it was repulsive, because he had not wanted to grant absolution now. But more than such feelings, it was simply that he had been averse to the situation itself. In a way, he thought he had been afraid.
“There is one thing I wish to confirm.”
“Speak.”
“……Was it truly because I was less beautiful than Edmund?”
Isaac laid bare the question that had tormented his younger self all along.
“No, both of you were beautiful and lovely children to me. Isaac.”
The Count answered, as if he had been waiting. That he had loved them both.
“It’s just that I felt so sorry for that child. For him, barely making it through each year, desperately just managing to survive.”
“Yes. More sorry for him than for me, you mean.”
He had loved them both equally, yet pitied Edmund more.
How was that, in the end, any different from saying he had loved one side more? But it was far too late to question him about it now. That was what Isaac thought. Yes—he simply no longer wanted to.
“I should go.”
Isaac turned his back and left. Behind him, the count seemed to say something in a low voice, but he did not hear it clearly.
Only after Isaac had put distance between himself and the corridor where the study was, turning the corner, did he let out the breath that had been trapped in his chest.
It felt emptier than he had expected.
In a way, it had surely been a moment he had dreaded so terribly all this time, and yet also waited for. How could it feel this hollow?
If it had been several years ago, upon hearing that belated apology, upon hearing him frankly admit that he had done it because he pitied Edmund more, Isaac might have sobbed like a child. But the Isaac of now felt not even a swell of emotion, let alone tears. Only emptiness.
Was this because he had grown in his own way? Or had he simply gone numb? He did not know, but in any case, Isaac—
After taking a moment to breathe deeply, urged his halted steps onward again.
＊＊＊
“Where are you going?”
His long, hurried strides, fixed only on what lay ahead, came to a stop. Isaac turned back to look at Caroline, who had called him.
She was sitting on a bench along the path to the garden. Holding a parasol, she looked up at Isaac with her usual expression.
“With such a frightening look on your face.”
Caroline said, studying her grandson’s face. Only then did Isaac run his palm down over his jaw and cheek. As if hastily collecting himself.
“If you’re looking for Sasha, she’s farther inside. She’s been dragging the gardener all over the place, busy as can be. Ah, there she is now.”
Calling her by name without hesitation, as though they had grown close in the meantime, Caroline gestured off to the side. Isaac looked where her hand was pointing.
“It seems she plans to either fix that swing or have it removed. Do you remember? That swing you used to like.”
“…….”
“When you were young, you sat there by yourself every day. Looking so pathetic.”
Today Sasha was wearing a pale violet dress, and perhaps because of that, she looked a little indistinct, hidden amid the deep greenery. As though she might vanish at any moment.
Sasha held the snapped rope of the swing and mimed tying it back together. When the gardener said something to her, she spread both hands wide, as though trying to explain something.
Isaac stared at the sight blankly.
“I’ve no idea how on earth you managed to capture that girl’s heart, but well done all the same, Isaac.”
Caroline said, looking off in the same direction as him.
“Where else could you possibly find a bride like her? If not for you, she would be receiving a flood of proposals from men far more respectable and impressive.”
Caroline spoke quite dryly. Belatedly, those indifferent, appraising words of hers sank into Isaac.
The other choices she could have made. ……Once he realized that.
“Isaac, fix your expression. It was only a joke.”
Caroline said as if to smooth it over, but Isaac could not smile.
The problem was that those words would soon become reality. Because theirs was only a relationship for a single year, once that year passed, she would—
……Sasha would leave him now and.
“Isaac?”
Along with the feeling of his insides twisting, he wanted to simply vomit everything out.
Isaac turned his back and went straight back inside.
“I should go.”
It was a realization that came all too late.