〈 Episode 623 〉 Choice and Decision.
Crackle-!
The smell of burning brushed the tip of my nose.
This was a place that might have originally possessed some kind of scenery.
But everything had burned and burned again, so its original appearance was long lost.
I couldn't possibly imagine what it had looked like before.
It was a world where only blackened, charred ashes and embers burned.
'What a sorry state.'
Looking at it, a short laugh escaped me.
It's not even some other place, but inside my heart.
That the world has become this shape… must mean that my insides are equally rotten and burning.
'Pathetic.'
Acting so eager about living properly,
and yet inside, it was in this state.
I lowered my gaze.
Beneath the burning world, a space was barely holding its ground.
I saw a child trembling violently, barely holding back a border made of flames.
A small frame, looking utterly terrified.
[Hhrgh… Hhrrr…]
Damn it.
Such a damn memory.
"Hey."
[…Hhrrr…?]
At my call, the child raised its head.
Eyes shaped like fierce slits; a face quite savage-looking for a child.
"Look at that face."
With a face like that, you must have heard you look savage your whole life.
"Haa…"
I sighed, looking at the child.
"What kind of state is that? Pathetic."
[Save me… Please save me…!]
The child's hand reached toward me.
Grip.
I felt a hand grab my pant leg.
[Please, please save me…!]
"…"
[I miss my mom… Please…]
It was a desperate voice.
A very small yet clear voice that wanted to live by any means.
When was it?
'That I made such a voice.'
I tried hard to recall, but found nothing.
'There wasn't.'
Not once.
Not even once.
Right after Mother disappeared, I had never made such a voice.
So.
"Are you going to cry endlessly even here?"
[Hhrrrr… Hhrr…]
"Shut up."
[…!]
Hearing my words, the child stopped crying abruptly.
"Don't cry. Shut up. It's noisy."
[Kkeup… Eup…]
"If you cry now, you're only hurting yourself. Your life's fucked from here on out."
There will be countless days to cry.
You have to endure and endure it, yet why are you trying to cry here?
[Mommuaaa…]
The kid ultimately couldn't hold back and let out a cry.
Seeing that, I let out an even deeper sigh.
"You don't have a mom, you brat."
[…!]
Oops. That was a bit of a slip of the tongue.
It wasn't that she didn't exist.
However.
"From now on… roughly… you won't see her for about thirty more years?"
Including the previous life, it was roughly about that long.
I was trying so hard to find her. At this point, it was practically…
"Treated as nonexistent, more or less."
[Hwaaaah!]
"It's too noisy. Should I just hit you?"
[Hhrrrr…]
I bent my knees to meet eyes with the child.
"Did you want to live?"
[Hhrrr… Uhh…]
"I didn't think so. But you did?"
That life had no meaning.
I lived thinking that.
I lived saying I didn't care if I died right away, but…
"Looks like you were different."
Why is this child screaming like this?
"Why do you want to live so badly?"
I couldn't understand.
"Your life is hell."
Still the Asura realm.
I tried not to live such a life, but after going around and around, it was still the Asura realm.
"Probably even more so from now on."
Plop-! I looked at my hand at the feeling of something flowing.
"Huh?"
Before I knew it, my palm was stained red.
It was all blood. Drops of blood were falling from my fingertips.
This was regret.
Regret I had tried so hard to forget.
Absurd. To think it would express even this.
I raised that hand and showed it to the child.
"This is the life you will walk."
[Hhrrr…]
"I can't even remember how many people I've killed."
And.
I probably won't remember in the future either.
I killed an uncountable number.
Because they are uncountable, I will not remember.
"Did it have to be that way?"
This is a question for myself.
"Did I really have to do it that way?"
Because the child before me is frightened. Because my world is burning away like this.
It was a question I asked myself.
'You.'
Did you really have to live like that?
Of course, there would be no answer.
Because I wouldn't answer.
[Please save me…]
The child still wished for life.
[I want to live…]
"…"
Seeing this, a question arose.
Did I wish for life?
Perhaps I did.
It comes to mind.
The time when I first stood in the marketplace after the regression.
I, who couldn't properly grasp the situation,
had thought, feeling the bustling crowd and the murmuring sounds:
'So I had longed for such a sight.'
Peaceful times.
Even if it was the shittiest time for me.
I had wished for that time.
So I must have felt relieved.
'The sight I saw at the moment of death. Because it was that day.'
[Want a potato?]
Because it was the moment I met that child.
Even if the life before that was hell,
that moment alone seemed to hold much meaning for me.
"But you know."
Drip.
With a hand dripping blood, I caressed the child's cheek.
"I should stop this now too."
[Hii… Hiiik…]
"How long are you going to hesitate?"
The child trembled in fear at my touch.
[Mo… Mommuaaa…]
It started crying like a child.
Ah, right. It is a child.
'To think I'd see myself crying.'
This is quite a unique experience.
Even if it's an illusion.
Looking at the trembling child, I continued.
"Someone kept saying that you shouldn't exist."
[Hhrrr…]
Swoosh.
The hand that had been rubbing its cheek moved.
The blood smeared on it left traces along the movement,
and was brought straight to the child's neck.
Crunch-!
I gripped it tightly.
[Hk-!]
The child groaned.
Hesitation.
And Attachment (我執).
That is this child's name.
The hesitation that blocks me from advancing further.
Several emotions I had deliberately kept instead of discarding.
Among them.
"The most useless one to me."
That is how I defined it.
Something I had known for a long time.
"…And yet."
The one I wanted to lose the least.
This child was such a thing to me.
But.
"It seems too much to do so now."
I could no longer be stubborn.
So I grabbed the child's neck.
Tremble tremble tremble tremble.
I felt trembling from the hand that gripped.
It was a disgustingly vivid sensation.
"Actually."
I spoke, looking at such a child.
"I didn't want to throw you away."
A true feeling I had never spat out to anyone.
"I still feel that way. That's how I feel."
The moment I throw you away.
"I will have to acknowledge it."
Leaving behind a normal life that held even the faintest hope.
I must depart from the axis of being human and become a dragon.
I must acknowledge that life.
I thought I had already made up my mind to do so.
But there was also a me who couldn't do it.
Truthfully, I already knew.
"I'm not human."
Something I had known for a long time.
"I won't be in the future either."
I know I can't go back.
Though I still question whether that was truly my choice.
"…But you know."
Apart from that.
"Even knowing that, it isn't easy."
It's attachment.
I knew better than anyone what they call damned stubbornness.
Even so, I couldn't do it.
Why?
Why couldn't I do something this simple,
to the point where the world rotted and turned this black?
I don't know the reason.
Is it simply because I hate becoming a dragon?
Not acknowledging that I became a dragon didn't make me human.
I knew that well.
'From the moment I decided to become a Demonic Human.'
From the moment I let go of myself in order to protect something.
Something I recognized long ago.
That it was already too late to turn back.
'Even though I knew that.'
I clearly knew. Yet I couldn't do it.
Why?
I don't even know myself.
Was being human that important?
What was so important about it that I agonized over it this much?
I don't know.
But now was not the time to question such reasons.
Unless I let go of this attachment.
'Because I cannot advance any further.'
I cannot protect what I must protect.
My life was always placed on a scale,
always a continuous series of choices.
Placing choices on the scale and picking the heavier one.
I had always lived like that.
This time, though quite late, I was merely doing the same thing again.
"You. You weighed less than the others. That's all."
Yes, that's all.
[Save, save me…!! I, I don't want to die!]
I slowly put strength into the hand around the neck.
[I miss my mom…! Da… Daaaad!!]
The child's wails rang out.
I had to ignore them.
Killing one inside.
What changes by doing this?
Can many things truly change through this action?
I didn't know, but…
I just had to do it anyway.
Crunch-!
[Kkeuugh…]
As force entered, despair filled the child's eyes.
Crackle-! Crackle-!
The flames burning the surroundings also began to move again.
As if to swallow even the space that had been barely kept empty.
"I'm sorry."
That was all I could say while looking at the child.
"I don't know if there will be a next time."
This is the last time with the child.
"Thank you. For everything until now."
Like that.
Finishing my words, I tried to break the child's neck.
It was natural, as I had to finish it.
However.
Thud-!
Inside the burning flames.
Thud-! Crack-!
I sensed something strange.
The sound of embers that had been continuously burning.
Thud… tat-dak… thud.
Gradually began to slow, and then…
…Thud.
At some point,
not a single sound could be heard.
"…?"
I stopped putting force into my hand at the strange sensation.
I looked around.
Then I realized.
The flames that had been dancing as they burned in all directions had all stopped moving.
"What?"
They had been so loud until just now.
What phenomenon was this now?
I was somewhat bewildered, but I had no intention of stopping.
I was about to erase my bewilderment and resume what I was doing when…
"Huh?"
I turned my gaze back and widened my eyes.
The child I had been holding with both hands had disappeared.
I hesitated at the sudden situation, but only for a moment.
Rustle.
"…!"
I realized there was something else before me, not the child.
[Hh…]
And that something was embracing the childhood self I had been looking at until just now.
What?
I had to furrow my brows at the sudden figure.
Because it wasn't visible properly.
The form was blurred, so I couldn't see it clearly.
What is this now…?
Ah, maybe.
"Blood Qi?"
I asked with that in mind, since it had appeared in strange forms before—perhaps the Blood Qi had appeared again.
But.
"Hmm."
I paused briefly at the voice that came.
Because it was a woman's.
Moreover, it was a voice that seemed somehow familiar.
'But.'
I couldn't recall.
Whose voice was it?
I couldn't remember.
Was this also the Blood Qi's deception?
"What are you trying to do appearing again this time—"
"You see."
In the middle of speaking,
my mouth clamped shut at the woman's voice.
Normally, I would have ignored such things and spoken, but…
for some reason, I couldn't.
"I hoped you wouldn't make this choice. That is why I stubbornly resisted."
The calmly spoken voice was somehow making a corner of my chest ache.
"In truth, I knew as well. This was even a mechanism I had prepared for this purpose."
The woman embraced the child in her arms, as if soothing it, fearing it might cry.
"I delayed again and again because of greed. It seems that hurt you."
I waver.
At words I didn't even understand, my insides kept shaking.
"…Who… are you?"
It's not Blood Qi. 'Instinct' was telling me so.
That woman is not Blood Qi.
Then who?
Could it be.
"Divine Sword…?"
When I faced the Heavenly Demon at the Divine Dragon Temple.
I had absorbed her energy after hearing Mother's words.
This was also something I would have to resolve by meeting Mother someday.
Because of that, I wondered if the being before me might be the Divine Sword, but.
"…Haha."
The woman only let out a laugh with a calm voice upon hearing my words.
For some reason, that voice sounded incredibly sad.
"Similar. But no. I am not that child you are hoping for."
The woman turned back and took a step.
Then.
Hwa-aaaack--!!
"…Heh!?"
Starting from the woman's toes, the world filled with ashes began to change.
Saaa-aaaah--!
Blue grass grew over the black world and coiled around the region.
Trees that had rotted and lost their forms came back to life and took on color.
The space that had nothing changed and changed again,
until even a small dwelling appeared under a world dyed with autumn leaves.
That happened in just a few seconds.
Creak-! Clack-!
The sound of a water wheel moving was heard near the dwelling.
Chirp-! Chirp chirp-!
Even bird songs echoed from the forest behind.
My insides had already rotted away,
and the result was the world from moments ago.
Where is this place now?
Inside the suddenly changed world.
[Hhh…]
"Good."
The woman soothed the child and calmly walked to the dwelling.
She sat naturally on the wooden floor with a graceful posture and looked at me again.
The gaze wasn't clear.
Because the blurry lines of her body and features were indistinct, I couldn't see properly,
but for some reason, I could be certain that she was looking at me.
"…What are you? What is your identity?"
I asked while looking at the woman.
Then the woman answered.
"I was, once, your heart."
Thump.
My heart pounded at those words.
"I have been eyes and ears, and both legs. I was also a sword. And furthermore."
The woman stroked the hair of the child she held.
"I was everything to a man, and a mother to a child, but."
Srrust.
A single autumn leaf fell onto the woman's lap with a light tap.
My gaze went to it unconsciously.
"Now, because you do not remember me. Now…."
I felt the woman's voice tremble slightly as she spoke.
"Nameless."
As if she was afraid to say it.
"I think you may call me that."
******************
A few seconds had passed since Gu Yangcheon asked for time.
The Palace Lord stood beside Gu Yangcheon, who had his eyes closed, watching over him.
He judged that Gu Yangcheon had realized something and needed time to think.
"Hmm…"
Meanwhile, the Palace Lord was slowly observing Gu Yangcheon.
The reason was none other than this:
The more he looked, the more he resembled him.
That was the thought that came to mind while looking at Gu Yangcheon.
'At first, he didn't seem to resemble him.'
He only resembled a few characteristic features,
and he judged that many aspects of his outward appearance were different.
So he was not a direct descendant.
He had thought so, but…
the Palace Lord had to erase that thought after just two meetings.
He recalled Gu Yangcheon's actions during their first meeting.
Gu Yangcheon's words asking if he had done the same to his companions.
The way he had raged, saying he would overturn everything if that were the case—he resembled that person back then.
Though his actions and manner of speaking were completely different.
If I had to compare.
'…That side was scarier.'
Rather than Gu Yangcheon's current appearance that showed violence openly,
that person who suppressed such an appearance and merely crushed the surroundings with pressure alone was scarier.
'I wonder how he is now.'
Even then, he was quite the monster.
Seeing the state of his offspring, the Palace Lord already felt he knew.
So he was even more curious.
'I couldn't settle the match even back then.'
He still hadn't settled the score with that person.
It was regrettable.
In the Palace Lord's eyes, he was the only one who could match him,
but now that person was near death, so it was merely frustrating.
'If by chance I could see him…'
He indulged in a brief delusion, but…
quickly erased it with a smile.
He didn't even have time for that.
The Palace Lord looked at Gu Yangcheon again.
Apart from him being that person's child, the facts he had uncovered so far were astonishing.
'Not only has he reached this level at such an age.'
To think he awakened as a dragon by shattering his own vessel himself.
'In other words.'
It meant he was never a human vessel to begin with.
If so…
'Who could it be?'
The women who had been by his side at that time.
Whose child was he among them?
There had been quite many, so he couldn't properly guess.
What was certain for now.
'Among the women, I don't recall a single one lacking in looks.'
Rather, they were outstanding if anything.
He remembered not a single one who was somewhat lacking.
Then how did this child turn out this way?
That was a bit fascinating.
Just as he was raising this question.
Hum.
"Hm?"
The ice crystal before him suddenly began emitting a faint light.
"…Heh?"
An anomaly with the ice crystal.
The Palace Lord paused momentarily upon confirming this.
Huuuuuuk---!!
At the same time as the ice crystal's light,
the cold energy circulating in the space whirled and began circling around Gu Yangcheon.
It wasn't that the cold energy approached Gu Yangcheon on its own.
As if.
It looked as if Gu Yangcheon was absorbing the cold energy.