8. Debut Preparations (2)
The diary from his trainee days, in which he had written down what he felt practicing every day and what needed to be improved.
Eunchan ran a hand down his face in a dry wash. He felt as though he needed to prepare himself mentally before opening the notebook. There had been a point when he couldn't find it, after which it had completely vanished from his mind.
‘Even though I wrote this myself, it’s been so long that it’s not easy to open.’
Eunchan squeezed his eyes shut, took a deep breath, and opened the notebook right to the middle. True to Yoo Eunchan and his terrible handwriting, the pages were packed with sprawling, scrawled letters.
-----
January 30
Today I kept missing the beat. My body wouldn’t follow my will, so I feel awful…
From now on, I have to come in about 0.5 seconds early on the chorus part of the practice song!
Yoo Eunchan, fighting!
-----
February 1
Today I was complimented on my tone color. It finally seems to have stabilized. I’m glad I tried various things!
Getting compliments always feels good.
Maintain singing without straining my neck, and never, ever forget the feeling of engaging my core!
-----
So this was the day I changed my vocal technique.
Eunchan let out a deflated snort and flipped the page.
-----
February 14
A day where nothing worked out. Ah~ did I come to Seoul for this?
I just want to go back and live with my grandfather… I miss my friends too…
At this rate, don’t I just have no talent at all? I got scolded so badly today…
-----
February 19
Today I finally talked to Hyeonjuin for the first time…!
Honestly, it was awkward and I thought he’d be really rude since he snapped at everything I said,
But maybe a high schooler is just a high schooler, because when I gave him a Power*x*de and asked for his LoL ID, the way he showed interest was a little cute haha.
I hope we end up on the same team.
-----
In an instant, his nape prickled and burned. It felt like all the hair on his body was standing on end.
‘I did that?’
Facing memories in print that he had no recollection of, Eunchan reflexively flipped through the notebook.
I did such friendly things? He knew that during this period, his busybody tendencies had peaked and that he’d acted familiar with Hyeonjuin. But this went beyond his memories.
Not to mention that he had approached him several times after that day with food, trying to strike up conversations and get closer. Come to think of it now, Hyeonjuin wasn’t some simple guy who’d let his guard down over food… What the hell is this.
“You’re crazy.”
Eunchan let out a hollow laugh and turned the next page.
-----
March 21
After dance class today, my legs gave out and I collapsed down to sit.
Honestly, it hurt and was embarrassing, but I didn’t feel bad.
Kind of like I poured everything out and then collapsed?
If I said stuff like this, the kids would tease me again haha
-----
March 22
…
April 1
…
April 16
…
-----
Truly, inside this notebook, the flow of all his emotions had been poured out.
As Eunchan read through the middle section, he flipped through the pages and snapped it shut.
As if there were a daily limit to how much he could take, his heart kept swelling up and he simply couldn’t look at it anymore.
‘I really worked hard back then…….’
Even after debuting, he would jot down his thoughts after practice or finishing a stage, but since he only wrote them concisely in his phone’s notepad, this diary was nothing short of a relic to Eunchan. And after the possibility of Chilwol Chilseok’s revival disappeared, he had stopped doing even that.
‘No matter how things turned out, it seems I really did regress to find my original resolve.’
Eunchan carefully placed the notebook deep inside his bag. Nothing seemed more valuable than this.
He must have forgotten about its existence because he hadn’t considered it important back then. Four volumes of practice diaries stacked up had felt like a burden. How could he have thought to leave these behind? This is exactly why they say you don’t know anything when you’re young.
He couldn’t say he had matured now, but back then, he really had been immature.
***
“The reason I called you all here separately today is…….”
“We’re really debuting? OMG!”
Even before the trainer finished speaking, a booming voice rang out.
Then as now, since their voices hadn’t changed much, he could tell who it was without turning around. The one speaking lightly in a low tone unbefitting his age was the only person around Eunchan.
“Do Iseon, quiet.”
As Eunchan expected, the owner of the voice was indeed Iseon.
“Iseon, who did you hear it from? Aren’t you already running your mouth everywhere?”
“Teach, I’m not that kind of person. I’ve got a heavy mouth.”
“…Bullshit.”
As Iseon answered the trainer’s words slyly, Juhyeok, who was beside him, shook his head and muttered. As if he meant for everyone to hear. Eunchan bit his lip, barely holding back a laugh that was about to burst out. Right, our Iseon’s mouth is a bit like feathers…….
While Iseon was smoothing over the situation with his characteristic refreshing smile, Juhyeok glanced around and looked up at the trainer, asking,
“But Hyeonjuin isn’t here?”
An absence Eunchan had noticed too.
Truthfully, since the CEO hadn’t said anything definite about this, he had been in the process of giving up hope, assuming the member count would remain at seven.
‘No way, is he skipping out again today?’
That’s why he had been thinking this while recalling Hyeonjuin’s usual behavior.
“Ah, that’s how it turned out.”
But the answer he heard was completely unexpected.
‘Huh? No way… really?’
Honestly, the CEO hadn’t seemed inclined to listen regarding the debut team member count either.
Juhyeok scrunched up his face as if he couldn’t accept the trainer’s answer.
‘Juhyeok was never able to manage his expressions, then and now, just like me.’
And this was sudden news for Eunchan as well.
“Hyeonjuin said he wants to focus on acting.”
“Huh? That’s strange…….”
Despite hearing the reason, Juhyeok didn’t seem able to accept it easily. Iseon added from the side,
“Hyeonjuin said he was curious about being an idol and wanted to try it. Wasn’t that something he wanted to do?”
Eunchan couldn’t help but doubt what he had just heard.
The Hyeonjuin in his memories was a guy who had regretted debuting as an idol because he wanted to act during the entirety of Chilwol Chilseok’s activities. To be exact, since Eunchan was the one who persuaded the reluctant kid to debut, it was understandable that he hadn’t wanted to do it.
But he was curious?
‘Hyeonjuin?’
No way. If that were true, it didn’t explain why he acted that way after debut. If it was because he wanted to act, he could at least understand. But someone who said he wanted to be an idol gave up before even a year had passed?
The Hyeonjuin Eunchan knew was a guy with at least a sense of responsibility. He wasn’t some bastard who’d half-ass things and immediately toss them aside saying it didn’t work out.
‘Besides…….’
It’s strange that a spot would open up immediately just because I told the CEO not to include Hyeonjuin.
Of course, he had persuaded the CEO, but he remembered it becoming a seven-member group because the circumstances aligned—the company directors also had wanted Hyeonjuin to debut as an idol.
He was thankful everyone had moved appropriately, but the situation was flowing too ideally, and an eerie sense of dissonance washed over him.
“Do you want to debut with Hyeonjuin?”
The trainer asked in a flat voice. There wasn’t much expression on his face either, making it difficult to grasp the intent behind the words.
Is this situation with six members in the debut team a good thing, or is he asking if we regret it?
I was unconditionally the former. Not knowing what the other kids were thinking, I kept silent and watched the situation.
“…….”
Whether Juhyeok and Iseon didn’t know what answer to give either, Juhyeok kept his mouth firmly shut while Iseon merely glanced at him.
The trainer, scanning the restless surroundings, let out a slight sigh and continued.
“The CEO told us to form a six-member debut team. Since it was decided as a draft in the meeting, it’ll probably proceed like this. You guys just need to practice well.”
“No, but something seems…….”
“You guys are the top six, right? Well, your images match well when you’re all together too.”
His expression remained sour. But he didn’t look regretful or disappointed.
Rather than wanting to debut with Hyeonjuin, Juhyeok seemed closer to being unable to accept this situation.
‘Well, Hyeonjuin was the most popular among the Minutes trainees.’
And though I didn’t know for certain, it seemed those three nineteen-year-olds had spoken positively about debuting as idols when they were among themselves.
“Juhyeok, is there something hard to say? Want hyung to say it for you?”
“…It’s not really that.”
Juhyeok shook his head. He didn’t seem to have any intention of replying further regarding the debut team matters, but Eunchan, watching him, furrowed his brow for a moment.
According to his memories, Juhyeok hadn’t liked Hyeonjuin very much.
It wasn’t like he openly bickered with him like Eunchan did, but it had grated on him. Understandably so, since these two were polar opposites in their actions.
Juhyeok, who took pride in his skills and put in corresponding effort, versus Hyeonjuin, who seemed to rely on innate talent and slacked off on the given practice but always met the cutoff line.
‘Should I call this a difference in values…….’
He couldn’t know the deeper inner thoughts, but from Juhyeok’s perspective, Hyeonjuin couldn’t have looked good. Especially not as a member he’d have to share weal and woe with.
However, that was a trainee-versus-trainee matter.
They were people who might soon become one group, so there were bound to be irritating points, and before that, Do Iseon, Seo Juhyeok, and Hyeonjuin attended the same high school and had known each other for quite a while, so it wouldn’t be strange for Juhyeok to be a little sensitive about Hyeonjuin’s matter.
‘Well, I think I had a similar reaction when a friend I contacted after debut said he was going to quit studying for the civil service exam to do flower arranging.’
He had only been able to stop worrying after meeting his friend’s face in the middle of the night, asking if something had happened. So it wasn’t that he couldn’t understand Juhyeok and Iseon’s reactions. If they were worried as same-age friends, it made sense.
“We won’t be conducting 12-person group lessons anymore. You six will practice separately. You expected this, right? Ah, keep your mouths shut around others until the debut. If unnecessary rumors start flying, what should work out won’t. Don’t look at useless things.”
“Yes!”
With the teacher’s final instructions mixed with a yawn and their booming reply, the formal gathering concluded. Though he hadn’t expected such an important debut team announcement to be made by gathering them in the corner of the practice room after dance class ended.
‘But why do I feel so stabbed by those words……’
He felt a little ridiculous being needlessly guilty about being told not to look at useless things.
…No, actually, it’s not funny.
Even in the past, fans had told him to stop lurking so much, and thinking about it now, the fans were absolutely right. SNS addiction is hard to quit. No, but the fans are on SNS. I didn’t do it because I wanted to; the fans were gathered on SNS in the first place.
So it’s an act of God.
Having won the battle against himself, he immediately logged into his SNS subscription accounts and cleaned up his surroundings.
Nothing out of the ordinary… Huh? Senior Byeon Seungchae got a fixed spot on this variety show… Was it like this in the past too? Well, he’s popular. He must be busy receiving love calls from all over, so it isn’t that strange for one or two fixed programs to change.
As he roughly finished cleaning up the practice room and was about to follow the kids pouring outside, he spotted Ham Jeongwon running toward the trainer from afar. Seeing that, his steps stopped involuntarily. His body stiffened reflexively.
“Teach!”
“Huh?”
“Why am I not in the debut team?”
…Ah, I feel like I shouldn’t have heard this.
“What am I lacking?”
I’m screwed. An emergency alarm seemed to ring in his head. Beep—beep—Private Yoo Eunchan is advised to immediately evacuate and avoid Ham Jeongwon. Emergency. Emergency.
‘Ah, damn.’
Moving now would draw attention. Eunchan bent his upper body deeply, pretending to tie his shoelaces. And when he no longer heard voices, he glanced back, but at the worst possible moment.
‘What… did he just look at me?’
His eyes met Ham Jeongwon’s dead on.
The gaze was fierce; clearly not the kind of gaze directed at the trainer. Anyone could see he had been staring this way the whole time, and their eyes just happened to meet?
Come to think of it, Ham Jeongwon’s favorability rating that he had glimpsed yesterday was negative too.
On the day he regressed, the cafe part-timer he had bothered also had negative favorability at first, but it quickly turned positive once he apologized. But if he’s in the negative despite not having particularly clashed with me now, just how much does he hate me?
‘He still hated me, then and now…….’
A light sigh escaped him. He had thought Jeongwon only came to hate him after debut, but if he hated him from this point onward, didn’t that mean there was no particular reason? Then there was no need for him to approach him first.
“Jeongwon, you’re still a middle schooler. Practice more.”
The silence that had made even Eunchan awkward finally broke. Thanks to that, pretending to finish tying his shoelace, he tried to quickly leave, but Ham Jeongwon’s voice continued.
“How would I know when they’ll make the next group……!”
“Jeongwon.”
“…….”
The trainer was merciless. A sigh-laden voice cut off Ham Jeongwon’s words in one stroke.
“Right now, you don’t match the debut team’s image, and it’s not about skill. It’s a group—the overall harmony has to fit. Right?”
“…Yes.”
Wow, a stone fastball.
He thought it was a bit harsh, but he had no intention of stepping in. The original ‘Yoo Eunchan’ would have moderately covered for him, but.
‘Why would I interfere?’
The current him wasn’t the type to have that kind of composure.
Still, he’ll recover quickly since he’ll appear on a survival program later anyway.
Sending his not-insignificant comfort to Ham Jeongwon in his heart, Eunchan tapped where his shoelace was, stood up, and looked back. Ham Jeongwon looked like he was about to cry.
‘……’
Feeling he shouldn’t listen anymore, Eunchan quietly opened the door and followed the members out.
“Hyung.”
“Huh?”
The moment the break room door closed, Juhyeok called out to Eunchan. As he answered and looked around, everyone seemed to have taken their seats, sitting around the table in order. Juhyeok was looking up at Eunchan fixedly.
“You’re the leader, right?”