Episode 45
Edwin stayed out that night. To be precise, he had likely been unable to leave the training grounds because of work rather than actually staying out, but to Helen, it was as good as staying out.
He had asked to stay at the mansion because he had nowhere to sleep, but she had known from the very beginning that accommodations were provided for the knights at the training grounds. She had toured the place with Carlisle, who had attended the training ground's completion ceremony some time ago.
“Accommodations at the training grounds are probably more comfortable than the mansion.”
After living among knights, suddenly staying at the mansion would mean there were many things to be conscious of. If she had to pick the most irritating one, it would probably be the presence of a mage who picked fights at every turn. Dealing with such a difficult mage must have been overwhelming. That was why that kind and earnest man hadn’t even sent word that he would be late or unable to return today.
Helen did not even entertain the assumption that something might have happened to Edwin. The reason was that something terrible—like running into bandits on the way to the mansion—simply didn’t suit him. If he really did encounter bandits, the bandits would be lucky to keep even half of their ten fingers intact.
“Still, the dawn wind is already chilly.”
The hour hand had only just reached five in the morning. She hadn’t been trying to watch the sunrise. Her eyelids had simply opened of their own accord, and having been unable to sleep well since last night, she had ended up waking early. This was largely the fault of the man who had stayed out a mere two days after saying he would remain at the mansion.
“He said he had something to tell me. And he looked at me like I was going to leave at any moment.”
She had a rough idea of what he had been trying to say.
“Can’t you stay by my side? Why can’t I……!”
What would have followed was probably a confession with the air of “Why not me?” Edwin likely wouldn’t have been able to finish his confession even if a knight hadn’t suddenly barged in. And the answer that would have come next would have been a refusal bearing the word “sorry”—hadn’t she already experienced this before?
She wondered if that was why he had stayed out. He had said there was something they needed to talk about alone, but because the ending of a confession was obvious, he must have wanted to put it off. Or perhaps he wanted to forget those words entirely. She wished he would forget them completely. She knew how hard it was to love alone, and that it was a love one could not abandon even while enduring pain greater than agony.
It was nearly time for the servants to wake. Helen wrapped her thin shawl tightly around herself against the rather chilly dawn air. Even the midday heat was no longer as sweltering as it had been just two or three weeks ago; summer must be nearing its end. Though perhaps that was also because Heksilrop was located in a polar region.
She decided to head back inside before the servants woke up. She had only intended to enjoy the cool air for about three minutes when she spotted Edwin returning through the main gate after staying out all night.
He stopped right before the gate, raised his head high toward the sky, and let out a long sigh. Even at a glance, he looked visibly exhausted. Helen wondered if approaching him now was truly the right thing to do. It seemed he had gone through something heavy enough to weigh down his shoulders, and she worried that showing her face might only exhaust him further.
After a brief moment of hesitation, she decided to avoid running into Edwin. She quietly turned to slip back through the slightly open front door, but he caught her.
“Young lady?”
She turned at the voice from behind and saw Edwin already inside the gate. While his face still showed fatigue, his eyes were wide as though he had seen something strange. Then he narrowed his brow and shook his head as if to clear it.
Helen felt exactly like someone who had done something wrong and began to ramble excuses without thinking. She even wove in a small lie.
“I fell asleep far too early yesterday, didn’t I? I must have slept a full eight hours, so it was about time I woke up. I also wanted to enjoy the summer dawn air. By the way, you’re quite late, aren’t you?”
“I had some matters to attend to.”
“No wonder your face says you’re worn out.”
“Does it?”
Edwin touched his cheek with his palm to check, but he couldn’t feel anything particularly unusual or telling on his face.
Weariness wasn’t something you could feel by touching your face, but Edwin’s actions were so unexpected that she didn’t want to point that out. Helen covered her mouth lightly with her hand and let out a small laugh.
He had been innocent as a child, and he still was now. Though everything else about him had changed. In particular, the brutal instincts of a knight sometimes made her tremble in fear. She had thought he was rather dense as a child.
“Your skin looks rough, like you haven’t slept at all. Hurry inside and get whatever rest you can. I’ll have someone bring you a meal separately, so you should sleep first.”
The kitchen staff would be the first to wake. After that, the other servants would rise one after another, so it was about time she went up to her bedroom. The sky had grown noticeably brighter, as though dawn was about to break. Helen looked up at the sky slightly and spoke.
“His Majesty is truly too much. No matter that you’re an Imperial Knight, isn’t he overworking you? If you collapse like this, who is supposed to protect the country?”
“Were those words just now an expression of concern for me?”
“Of course. No wonder you didn’t come even though I was waiting……”
She caught herself the moment the words left her lips. Helen swallowed back the words she hadn’t been able to finish and clamped her mouth shut. It wouldn’t undo what she had already said, but it was the best she could do.
She rolled her eyes downward and then back to their place, only to see Edwin’s cheek twitch. And that wasn’t all. The ten fingers of the Imperial Knights’ Commander—who would not let go of his sword even when surrounded by hundreds of enemies—fidgeted restlessly, unable to stay still for even a moment. It was a strange thing for someone of his profession, but perfectly natural for Edwin Barnes himself.
Helen wished, if only for this moment, that Edwin was a dull-witted person. She had hoped he wouldn’t understand the meaning of her unfinished words, but that prayer was rendered meaningless.
“You were waiting for me?”
When pursued by an enemy with nowhere left to retreat, she had been taught to stand and fight.
“I was waiting! And that’s not all—I couldn’t sleep! Is it acceptable to stay out all night without a word!”
Helen rose onto her tiptoes, pushing her face close to his as she yelled. Edwin Barnes was an adult who had even undergone his coming-of-age ceremony; he had done nothing wrong by staying out, so she had never intended to be angry with him in the first place.
“Are you angry?”
“No!”
She didn’t want to admit she was angry. But then again, she didn’t want to explode again either. Helen thought that the human heart was truly strange.
“Then?”
“This is, well…… anger born from worry! I told you. I was worried.”
“You are saying you waited because you were worried about me?”
“Why do you ask when you know? Don’t ask why I was worried. Just think of it as a family’s heart or something.”
Edwin’s lips looked as though they were about to open again, so she moved first and covered his mouth. The words she had thrown out were “a family’s heart,” but thinking about it now, they were exactly right.
She had intervened in his life when he became an orphan and given him a new life. It was true that her outstretched hand had been stained with pity, but if it had been only pity, she would not have wished for him to become an excellent knight, nor would she have forgotten even their first meeting.
It had also been the first time she had ever asked the Count for something she wanted. The seven-year-old child, who had hated the idea of earning her father’s displeasure, had clenched both fists and gone to find him. If someone were to ask whether she still would have sought out her father even if she had known she would afterward be called vulgar and chased away, she would answer that of course she would. Although she had been unable to help Edwin Barnes become a knight entirely through her own power, Edwin was living happily as a result. If this wasn’t a family’s heart, then what was?
Whatever deep thoughts Edwin was having, there was no change in his facial muscles. Watching him, Helen curved her lips into a gentle smile, told him to get some rest, and tried to move on her way.
Who could have known that Edwin would throw such a random question at that moment?
“Would you consider learning the sword from me?”
“……!”
“I suppose you must dislike the sword, young lady?”
Edwin’s face showed clear disappointment even though he had expected an obvious refusal. He hung his head deeply and ruffled his hair with his large, calloused hands.
Helen was more bewildered by his disheveled appearance than by his offer. The reason she remained silent was because she didn’t know how to receive the opportunity for swordsmanship training that had barged in without knocking.
“It’s not that, Sir Barnes. Aren’t you busy? Look at you now, only returning at dawn when everyone else is asleep. I just don’t want to be a burden to you.”
Somehow she had ended up reeling off a string of excuses. Helen swallowed hard and quickly assessed the situation. In other words, she was completely trapped. Even if this wasn’t some scheme Edwin had concocted, if he were to say something like, “It would be time spent with you, young lady, so rather, it would give me strength,” the situation would be over.
“I am returning after finishing administrative work so that you will have nothing to worry about, young lady. Moreover, simply being with you will fill me with energy.”
The brown irises, which had seemed to sink heavily toward the ground along with his bowed head, soon began to sparkle.