Episode 33
Helen could not easily believe his sworn words that he had never loved Violet.
Edwin did not know, but for that one year, Violet had been none other than Helen herself. For a time that was short if called short, and long if called long, it had been Edwin’s lot to keep watch by Violet’s side. Wherever his gaze turned, Violet was there, and thanks to that, she had been safe.
After Helen had devoted her life to keeping her alive in this world, to think that his heart had never dwelled in any of the smiles, kindness, and touches he had shown her.
“Liar.”
“It is not a lie.”
Edwin looked at her with an upright gaze. Even so, Helen could not believe even that gaze.
“But there is no one who did not love Her Imperial Highness, and you must have loved Her Imperial Highness as well.”
“Of course, I served Her Imperial Highness. It was my duty.”
“Then why did you always smile when you looked at Her Imperial Highness?”
The smile he had shown Violet was not an ordinary smile shown merely as a person. The smile shown by Edwin Barnes, so faithful to his duty as a knight, was like a tender sprout growing in barren land where not even a passing shower had fallen.
“That is because… when I looked at Her Imperial Highness, I was reminded of you, my lady.”
A smile just like the one he had shown in the days when Violet was alive draped over Edwin’s lips.
“Her Imperial Highness’s smile greatly resembles your smile in my memories, my lady.”
Only then did Helen realize she had been mistaken. All this time, the smile Edwin had directed at Violet had not been for her. From the very beginning, the reason he had kept by her side was the Emperor’s order.
In a world where everyone had loved Violet, he had not loved her.
“Edwin.”
“You finally call my name.”
Edwin rejoiced as though he had received the most precious treasure in the world simply from being called his name once. The more he did so, the heavier Helen’s heart grew.
Because of a man who still remained in that time due to an act of helping a boy of pitiful circumstances in childhood.
“The reason I cannot accept your feelings is…….”
“I understand your desire to forget the past. It is all right if you forget even me, whom you saved. I shall remember.”
“Why do you go that far? I cannot love you, and loving someone like me will only bring you pain.”
“Even that pain is mine to bear. Is the simple reason that I love you not sufficient as an answer?”
“I did not want to feel sorry for you.”
She had pushed away a person who liked her for who she was. Though she knew it was a wicked thing to do, she lacked the strength to stop her heart from pushing him away.
Knowing all too well how terribly difficult it was to love someone who did not love you back, she had no choice but to push him away.
Helen pressed her furrowed brow with her fingertips, judging herself arrogant.
A silence she would never grow accustomed to descended. The silence flowing between them like a transparent wall soon collapsed beneath the clamorous noise beyond the curtain.
The affectionate chatter of lovers she had hoped would fade seeped through the curtain. The lovers’ conversation she had inevitably overheard summoned memories of that time she had tried to forget.
When Helen closed her eyes, her long, slender eyelashes trembled. She relaxed her tightly pressed lips, and the old memories subsided.
Feeling that continuing an endless conversation would only discomfort her heart, she took out the letter Lucas had sent. The letter was quite thin, yet its mere presence weighed heavily on one’s heart.
She could not imagine at all what it might contain.
「Helen.
I could not sleep through the night thinking of the sin I committed against you.
I merely wanted to keep Violet’s last will, yet looking back, I am not happy at all.
There was only one person I wished to appear happy before.
Had Violet been alive to see my sorry state, she would have teased me for days, calling me a fool.
Still, I am truly fortunate to have ended up marrying, as that child wished.
If you, too, congratulate my marriage as she would have, I could ask for nothing more.
This is my apology and my sincerity to you; I sincerely hope you will not refuse it.
My.......」
“Violet.”
It was the name Lucas had ultimately been unable to write.
Feeling a hollowness in one side of her chest, Helen folded the letter neatly in half.
“His Majesty will become a wise king.”
“Of course. Since His Majesty’s ascension, not a single small war has broken out, so everyone praises him. Of course, every winter demonic beasts invade the north, but…….”
At the single word “demonic beasts,” Helen’s pupils, which had shown even the slightest movement, stopped in one place. All that entered her vision were a wooden table, two people’s teacups resting upon it, and the coffee forming small ripples inside the cups.
Any normal person ought to shudder at the word “demonic beasts,” yet she found herself awaiting the winter when they would appear. Helen did not think herself strange.
“If they return, His Majesty will send an expedition as he did this winter, will he not?”
“Indeed. With Duke Everett present, His Majesty must feel secure.”
“Yes, it is truly reassuring to have the Duke.”
Ah, perhaps when the white snow piled high enough to touch one’s cheekbones, she might meet him. Before these memories were severed, she would be able to see his face one last time.
But contrary to her clinging heart, she was certain Carlisle would not set foot in Hexilof. For she had pushed him away so cruelly that night.
Helen placed the neatly folded letter into her coat pocket.
All the way back to the Platini mansion, Edwin reminisced about his childhood. Maintaining an even stride, he smiled broadly as he spoke of the episode in which Helen had saved him.
His memory was quite detailed.
The collateral branch’s rebellion in the Imperial Palace took place at night. Every path leading to the palace was filled with houses blazing fiercely and the cries of children who had lost their families.
Until dawn broke, the world could truly be called despairing. The collateral branch’s rebellion was suppressed in mere hours, but the screams of despair remained as they were.
Edwin, too, had been one of the victims that night.
“At first, I disliked the young lady who whispered.”
“That is strange. In my memory, you grabbed the hand I held out at once.”
“That is because…….”
Edwin turned his reddened face sharply to the side. His appearance was proof that Helen’s words were true.
That he disliked the whispering young lady meant he had hated being pitied in his despair. Yet the reason he had not refused the offered hand was perhaps because the boy had realized it was a reality he could not overcome with his own strength.
But if that were the case, Edwin’s two bright red cheeks seemed to point in another direction.
“Did you like me even then? Enough to snatch a stranger’s hand.”
Helen covered her mouth with the back of her hand and smiled slyly. She imagined the absurd notion of despair turning to fresh love in an instant. No matter how innocent a boy, love in that situation was preposterous.
Still, they had been so young then; one never knew.
Before long, the Platini mansion came into view. The bustling sounds from within seemed to reach even here. She did not wish to return to that busy space, but she had no choice if she was to send Edwin off.
“We have arrived already.”
The signal of parting wiped the red from Edwin’s face. Instead, it brought their gazes to meet.
“It was good. So good that all the sorrow melted away in the hand you offered me.”
His firm, nervous tone made her fingertips, which had wished to remain indifferent, curl inward.
She was about to say that it was truly time to part. Her heart pounded as if reacting to something.
She turned her head with an achingly longing heart.
“……!”
It was him.
A person she would recognize at a glance even if she passed him unwittingly was walking across the street. His uniquely wide stride and gait, the hem of his fluttering outer coat. She could not tear her eyes from the sight of both hands tucked into his coat pockets. Not just her gaze, but everything in her being focused on him.
She could not distance herself from him at all. Not unless all her memories of him were excised.
‘I want to catch him.’
She wanted to stop his steps and meet his gaze.
‘I want to call out to him.’
She wanted to touch his fingertips and share their warmth.
But she could do nothing. The closer they drew, the more they would only inflict pain upon each other.
But then why…… why does my heart race whenever I see that man!
She could endure her vision blurring with tears and her legs losing strength as much as needed. If only her heart would not beat in a way that proved her love for him had not dimmed one bit.
Wishing for his happiness, yet she took a step toward him. Despair approached.
Helen failed to notice the wind growing stronger or the carriage rushing from afar. For every nerve in her body stretched only toward Carlisle Everett.
The carriage did not slow, and though the coachman who spotted Helen tried desperately to rein in the horses, it was all too late.
The horses’ cries rang out loudly enough to pierce heaven and earth.
The relatively calm wind suddenly blew fiercely. That wind threw back the hood hiding Helen’s hair.
Bright red hair fluttered in the air.
“My lady!”
A deeply startled voice settled in her ears. Edwin pulled Helen into his embrace, drawing her back just as she was about to collide with the carriage. Since strength had left Helen’s body, he had no choice but to hold her tightly to support her.
Edwin’s pupils shook from side to side as he checked Helen’s safety.
“Are you all right?”
“Ah…….”
In Helen’s vision, still buried in Edwin’s embrace, that man remained. Helen tried to hide her most conspicuous red hair, but strength had left her entire body.
“Sir Barnes, I am sorry, but please pull up my hood.”
“You may be injured…….”
“I do not wish to stand out. Please.”
Edwin, who had squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them, hid her red hair with careful hands as if he had no other choice.
Fortunately, Helen was completely unharmed without a single injury. Even knowing that, he was uneasy. Especially since Helen was not looking in his direction.
“That was truly dangerous. Do you know that?”
“I know. I was distracted for a moment.”
“What on earth were you looking at?”
“Indeed. What was I looking at?”
I wish I had seen nothing.
Pushing against Edwin’s chest and distancing herself from his embrace, she found Carlisle had disappeared somewhere. On the street where Carlisle Everett had been until moments ago, other people’s shadows filled and vanished repeatedly.
“Thank you for delivering the letter. And for spending time with me.”
It was a short distance from the main gate of the Platini mansion, but they had decided to part here. Because of others’ gazes, and because she did not wish for the Platini household to know she had met with the Emperor’s man.
Helen entered the mansion without allowing even a single strand of red hair to flutter outside. Edwin, who had watched her figure until the end, remained in that spot for a long while.