The Toxic Member Has Returned! Episode 98
Maybe it was because it was the period when I was living up to the name "Rex Trash."
Before I could even be shocked by the disastrous sight, my body moved on its own.
Arms, legs. And mouth.
"Ah, yes. I was wrong."
As if my mind and body had separated, the words flowing from my mouth were unfamiliar, things over which I had no control.
"…
Let's do it again."
If I could have done anything about it, I wouldn't have said such things to the five pairs of eyes looking at me.
'I'm crazy, I'm crazy.'No apology, just brazenly saying we'll do it again?
The anguish born from shame made my head throb as if it would burst.
This was me back then—was I even in my right mind?
"I have an appointment after this, so let's get it done quickly."
Definitely not in his right mind.
"Ha… Fine. For now, let's just do it again. We have to, what else can we do."
The practice that continued with the choreography teacher's sigh had a completely different atmosphere than before.
Periodically I messed up the moves, couldn't match the formations properly. Fell during the dance break.
If it had taken about an hour longer earlier, this time it probably took about twice that.
Rather than the practice ending, the teacher raising the white flag came first.
"…
This isn't working. Let's leave the rest for next time to finish matching up, and I think we should stop here for today. Teacher also has a next schedule…."
"Oh, it's fine. We'll try it once more on our own. Please go ahead, Teacher!"
"…
All right, Hwaseong. Thank you."
"Come on, let's keep practicing, shall we?! The song is good, but it won't do if the choreography is a mess!"
Hwaseong tried to somehow change the atmosphere with a cheerful voice, but that effort easily crumbled.
Because.
"…
I'll head in first. Good work, everyone."
Because of me.
As if trying to carry out the hint I'd dropped earlier about having an appointment, my legs quickly crossed the middle of the practice room toward the exit.
When my body, moving on its own, hurriedly picked up the bag I'd tossed beside the door.
"Wait, just a moment. Rex hyung, don't go."
There was a large hand grabbing my shoulder.
It was Hwaseong's.
He seemed troubled, as if he had much he wanted to say.
After hesitating for a while and choosing his words, Hwaseong opened his mouth with the gentlest voice he could manage.
"…
Hyung, you can't just leave. Stay with us a little longer."
"Why? I told you earlier I had an appointment."
"Well, the music video shoot is coming up soon. Hyung, you haven't even fully learned today's choreography yet before the next one, and also…."
Unable to continue those next words, Hwaseong's pupils were trembling wildly.
"Also, what."
"……."
There was something he needed to talk about, but he couldn't bring it out carelessly. Perhaps afraid of saying unnecessary things to someone struggling.
In that silence, the one who opened his mouth first was, of course, me.
"…
Hey, Ji Hwaseong."
From here, the memories were extremely vivid.
What words I had spoken, what actions I had taken.
"Oh, Rex hyung. Are you going out to your appointment?"
"Yeah. Drinking appointment."
"…
It's still lunchtime, though. Then what about dinner? Will you come back and eat dinner? Want to eat together? My mom sent some side dishes from Daegu—"
"No, I'll come back at dawn. Hwaseong, you eat alone."
"…
All right. Be careful out there."
Until just before this, even if there was some distance, I had been conversing normally with the members.
But. Because of that one insane remark I threw out at this moment.
A nightmarish time began where the members spoke harshly toward me, and I pretended not to know and rushed outside.
'Hey, you crazy bastard. Please stop, please…!'
I wanted to raise both hands and cover my mouth, but my hands and mouth, divorced from my will, were busy chattering away.
"You, you're doing this because you're worried I'm going to meet my girlfriend, huh."
"…
What? No, this isn't like that—"
"What, is this some kind of dating crackdown? I'm a bit bewildered. Until now you didn't say anything no matter what I did… Drinking is okay, but women aren't? Picky."
"…
Rex hyung."
"You must be disappointed your guess is wrong, but I'm just going to drink. That's okay, right?"
"……."
As if shocked by the words I'd poured out on Hwaseong, Siu, eyes wide open, approached and grabbed my collar.
But I just brushed it off nonchalantly and shrugged my shoulders.
"Siu, let go. Hyung is going to have a drink… You can't go because you're still a minor."
"Hyuung…."
"Rex."
In this chaotic situation, Yuchan hyung cautiously approached me with a shadowed face.
"No, Jaeha hyung. Let me go. I said that with good intentions, because I wanted to be a strength—"
"I know how you feel. I know everything, so for now… Let's go out, Hwaseong."
The thoroughly angry Hwaseong was already being led outside the practice room by Jaeha hyung.
With this kind of judgment, no wonder Jaeha hyung is the leader.
Well… that wasn't important right now, though.
"Fine. Since you have an appointment, I won't hold you long. Instead, shall we talk?"
"What is it that you want to say so badly, Yuchan hyung."
Yuchan hyung's bangs fluttered in the air conditioning, and beneath them, two slightly hidden eyes were revealed.
In those cool eyes, the black pupils were full of worry.
"…
Whether you actually dated or not. I don't think that's important."
"Oh, is that so?"
I touched my cheeks, which had lost all moisture and become dry, a few times and spoke in a bewildered voice.
"So?"
"……."
"Just get to the point quickly. I want to get out of here."
"Ha…."
The sound of Yuchan hyung catching his breath was clear.
No matter how cheerful, good-natured, or kind a hyung he was, skilled at embracing conflict situations, that didn't mean he was used to this kind of situation.
Nevertheless, Yuchan hyung, who had suppressed the emotions trying to burst out from within, spoke to me calmly.
"Rex. So, what I want to say is…."
"……."
"If you're meeting people because you're struggling, because you're lonely… you don't have to do that."
"I don't understand what you mean. Speak properly…."
"Talk more with us members who live together, tell us about your struggles too. I wish you would do that."
"Ha, haha…."
What came next.
"Yuchan hyung, sorry to interrupt while you're saying something touching."
I uttered words that couldn't be taken back.
'Ah, please. Don't say that kind of thing.'
I wanted to struggle, to scream, but I had no right to choose.
That belonged to Rex Trash.
I alternated my gaze between Siu and Yuchan hyung, who were staring at me, and eventually.
"Don't even think about playing family."
Words that would wound even the one who spoke them—he just threw them out like that.
What had been so hard and unfair for me at that time?
Because I'd already lost their trust, so even if I denied it, the members probably wouldn't believe me?
Or because I thought they were pitying me even though my family was perfectly fine at home?
Or because in a situation already heading toward the worst, I thought it couldn't get any worse?
Or, or.
This regret had no meaning. It was something I shouldn't even do.
Losing my family wasn't the members' fault. It was solely because of my own mistakes.
Even if, because of that, I had really been struggling so much….
"Rex, you…."
"Don't, hyung. Whatever you want to say, just hold it in."
"……."
"We're strangers anyway."
I shouldn't have said such things.
With no more hands holding me back, my footsteps walked out the door on their own.
"Rex, hyung…."
"Ah, you heard everything? Well, it wasn't particularly something I was saying only to Yuchan hyung."
"……."
Jaeha hyung and Hwaseong, who had heard everything I said beyond the slightly open door, had expressions that were indescribable.
"Go back inside, hyung. Hwaseong too."
"……."
"As you said, the music video shoot isn't far off."
Except for the trash, you all better film well.
At the end, even speaking sarcastically.
The two hurriedly moved back inside the practice room, and the double doors slammed shut.
Only then did control of my body and voice return to me.
"Wait, no. No matter what, this, this isn't right…."
I desperately tried to open the practice room door in a hurry, but the firmly shut door showed no signs of opening.
Only bits of the members' conversation could be heard through the rattling gap in the door.
"…
If only I hadn't needlessly picked a fight with Siu then, I would have been able to talk properly with Rex."
"No. I, I was unnecessarily sensitive to Yuchan hyung. That's why…."
"How is this either of your faults? The situation is what it is! And no matter what, Rex hyung had absolutely no reason to act like that toward us!"
"No, Hwaseong. Don't say that."
Self-blaming voices, or slightly angry voices.
And, voices of resignation.
"…
No matter what we say, nothing will ever change now."
Emotions that had been blazing like fire quietly settled down. Coldly, as if water had been poured on them.
I mumbled blankly toward that voice.
"…
No. Things can change, Jaeha hyung."
This time, it will really be different.
Because the me right now isn't Rex Trash, but Gim Chunyong.
Because I've returned to apologize to the members, and to my family.
Along with X, who I don't know whether they're a devil or an angel but is helping me, and because I'm trying to push forward invincibly with a status window like in a game.
"It can change, it can…."
With pouring thoughts and guilt, I couldn't help but slump down in front of the door.
Squeak—And from within, Jaeha hyung slowly walked out.
The pale face that had seemed shocked by my bombshell declaration earlier was nowhere to be seen; instead, he had a very calm and gentle countenance.
Just like what I'd seen in the elevator earlier.
"Do you think it can change, Chunyong?"
"…
Why are you stating the obvious, Jaeha hyung."
Now I understood this entire situation.
Why the very moment I felt most sorry toward the members had unfolded before my eyes, and why Jaeha hyung was the one speaking to me in that situation.
"Hmm, just because I'm not entirely confident. It's not that I don't trust you."
Jaeha hyung sat beside me and continued softly.
"There are things you struggled with and pretended not to know even though you knew. Right?"
"…
Yes. I know."
"If you really want to change, you'll have to resolve those things."
With those final words, Jaeha hyung slowly opened the door behind me.
"Then, goodbye. Chunyong."
Since it's time to wake up from the dream.
As my back slowly tipped backward, my body fell downward into an endless hole.
In my vision, I saw the flickering light of an elevator.
The bulbs at the four corners flickered once, twice. And three times.
Feeling the same dizziness I'd felt when I nearly first woke from this dream, I entrusted my body to the fall.
Like this, if I keep falling….
* * *
Boing!
"…
Huaaack!"
At the cute notification suddenly ringing from his phone, Gim Chunyong screamed and bolted upright in bed.
The four corners of the phone that had been on his face lit up, sparkling to announce a message.
"W-what kind of dream is this…."
Boing! Boing! Boing!
At the notification still ringing like crazy, Gim Chunyong had to hurriedly check his phone before he could even fully come to his senses.
Messages from X covered the entire notification screen.
- X: Yaaaaaaa Gim Chunyong-yong chunyong chunyong wake up quick
- X: Hey did you see the objective window got renewed? See? See?
- X: It's finally the start of a new chapter ><
- X: Congrats on debuting huh? Of course you still don't know the song or the dance or anything but you've got a business card now!!
- X: Let's commemorate this newly arrived day hehe together with me!
"Ha…."
Having read all those worthless sentences, Gim Chunyong slowly lay back down on the bed and rubbed his face with his hand.
"They say you have nightmares on good days, really…."
After becoming a member of T.O.J.
It was the first morning.