Episode 78
Rose, on nights without you, time does not pass.
A vicious headache made it feel as though his temples would split apart. Ejekail rubbed his eyes, gritty from lack of sleep.
It had been a sleepless night. It had always been that way since Rose disappeared. Through her, he had learned for the first time the comfort brought by another person’s warmth, and now that warmth was gone, he was enduring the aftermath through long, arduous nights every day.
His subordinates had advised him that if he exhausted himself enough to feel as though he might die, sleep would come whether he wanted it or not, so he had tried tormenting his body with training. It had no particular effect. All that followed were nights when he was exhausted enough to die and still could not sleep.
And if, once every two days for a short while, or once every three days by chance, he did manage to fall into a light doze, he would invariably have nightmares.
In his dreams, he wandered through a vast darkness in search of Rose. He walked, ran, and stumbled as he chased the traces of a woman whose hiding place he did not even know, then opened his eyes with the sensation of his heart collapsing. It was no different at all from the days when he had been blind.
Unable to bear it, he tried drinking for the first time in a long while. But thanks to his constitutionally immense tolerance, even getting drunk was difficult.
“It’s because you’re not by my side.”
He felt as though he were being worn down day by day. His emotions vanished, and his senses dulled. On some days, the world around him appeared in black and white. In a world that had lost its light and faded of color, he would stand still for a long time.
“Rose, you can’t even imagine what you gave me, or what you took away.”
If she could have imagined it, that gentle, tender woman would never have left him so cruelly. She was the sort of woman who, even if she left for a moment, would quickly return out of guilt.
Ejekail slowly dragged one hand down his face.
Rose, my imagination is so poor. Perhaps because I have never seen your face, you do not appear even in my shattered nightmares.
“……Didn’t you promise to stay by my side when I was in pain?”
I am in pain, but you are not beside me.
“Rose, I said it hurts.”
No matter how many times he called her name, no answer came back.
Ejekail closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath until his chest heaved. Because a baseless sense of suffocation sometimes came over him, he had developed the habit of deliberately breathing deeply like this.
For a while, he looked around at the shadows draped across the bedroom with an expressionless face. Then he tugged the bell pull and summoned a servant.
“Did you call, sir?”
A servant who had heard the bell came rushing in.
Ejekail gave the order calmly.
“Bring the laudanum.”
If he was going to spend the entire night unable to sleep because he was thinking of Rose, then he felt he could only survive this night by looking at even her shadow. He had endured enough. His patience had long since worn away and snapped. Now, he truly was at his limit.
The servant asked anxiously,
“Are you in pain somewhere?”
“My headache is severe.”
“Shall I call a doctor?”
“No need. Laudanum will be enough.”
“Yes, understood.”
The servant brought out the laudanum kept as household medicine. With practiced hands, Ejekail poured the opium into wine and swirled it around.
The servant, who had been watching what he was doing, widened his eyes.
“You take that much medicine all at once?”
“Alcohol and medicine alike don’t work well on me.”
Ejekail swallowed all of the drug in a single gulp.
After confirming that he had lain down, the servant quietly left the bedroom. With the sound of the door closing as the last sign, every noise in the world disappeared.
For the first time in a very long while, his heart pounded. It was the sensation of the drug spreading through his bloodstream.
He closed his eyes and waited for the effect to take hold.
Rose, now I can see you.
His heart fluttered like that of an adolescent boy fallen in love for the first time. Even the headache pecking at his temples felt sweet.
Step. A light footfall rang out. It was a careful, gentle sound, the sound of someone setting down her feet with almost no weight.
Ejekail turned his head toward the sound.
A woman with a beautiful silhouette, red hair, and green eyes was walking toward him by way of an opium hallucination. That strange and beautiful world, with one foot placed in reality and one in dream, had returned.
A crooked laugh slipped out. Ejekail slowly lifted the corners of his mouth.
“My head hurts, Rose.”
A cool hand covered his forehead.
He had missed this temperature terribly. Ejekail lowered his eyes and savored Rose’s touch.
“How cruel. When I said I missed you, you never came, but when I say I’m hurting, you appear?”
Then I should be in pain every day. And I should hold on to Rose tightly so she can never run away again.
“I’m really hurting.”
It hurts because you’re not here.
He covered Rose’s hand, which was stroking his forehead, with his own palm and pressed it down. On days when he wanted to feel Rose’s presence more clearly, he had often held on to her and felt for her like that.
“So don’t disappear. Promise me. Promise you won’t go.”
If Rose disappeared again, he intended to call her back once more. Three times, four times, five times, ten times, twenty times, or even more.
Ejekail willingly threw himself into this precarious yet rapturous hallucination.
❖ ❖ ❖
At the strange discomfort of something prodding insistently at her shoulder blade, Rizan opened her eyes in a daze. The instant the brief respite brought by sleep lifted, her vision spun. It seemed her cold had grown worse. Rizan hurriedly covered her mouth with her hand and broke into a fit of coughing. Afterward, she held her breath for a moment against the raw sting that followed the cough.
“If you’re awake, get up.”
Avoiding the prisoners lying tangled together in a mess, the guard prodded her shoulder a few more times with the end of a long pole and gave a low command.
“It’s a special visit.”
A visit was a visit; she had never heard the words “special visit” before. Besides, there was no one who would request a visit with Rizan. Ejekail always burst in out of nowhere; he did not appear after giving notice.
Rizan braced herself against the floor and unsteadily pushed herself up to sit.
No matter how much she thought about it, it was strange, because there was no one who would come to see her secretly this late at night.
It can’t be Mother and Father.
That, at least, absolutely could not happen. If it did, her entire family would die in this camp.
Forcing away the most dreadful possibility, Rizan trembled with anxiety.
“……Miss.”
A moment later, a whisper so faint it could barely be heard called to her.
Rose raised her head.
It was Merlot.
“Good God…… What is this? Why are you here, miss?”
After confirming Rizan’s face, Merlot was silently aghast.
Rizan also remembered Merlot, who had come the other day to summon Ejekail and had nearly fainted at the sight of her. He had been so shocked that day that he froze without even making a sound. It was fortunate that Ejekail was already leaving the camp; if he had so much as glanced back, he would have noticed something suspicious from Merlot’s expression.
Rizan was just as flustered to see him. Still, at least she came to her senses more quickly than Merlot did. Rizan hastily shook her head, urgently imploring him not to say a word to Ejekail.
“Is your health all right?”
Rizan nodded.
“You don’t look all right at all. Do you know how terrible your complexion is right now? It’s so dark I can barely see, and yet you alone look blue.”
Merlot narrowed his eyes.
Rizan shook her head to mean that she was not sick. Merlot, Valdemarea’s errand man, was an uncomfortable person to face. The way he had suspected she might try to claim the seat beside Ejekail still remained vividly in her mind.
Why has Valdemarea’s errand man appeared here?
Rizan was wary of Merlot.
“No, say something. All you do is nod and shake your head, without saying a single word. Why are you being so frustrating? Back in Derosa, you spoke perfectly clearly.”
As expected, the man pointed out the most troublesome part.
After hesitating a little, Rizan pointed to her throat and crossed her fingers.
“You’re saying your voice won’t come out?”
Merlot pressed her. Instead of answering, Rizan kept her mouth closed.
“Why?”
“…….”
An awkward silence settled over them.
“……I truly never expected this at all. You said so readily that you would leave, so I was surprised, thinking you were a remarkably desireless person. But it seems you weren’t refusing to be greedy—you simply couldn’t be.”
“…….”
“What in the world am I supposed to call this……?”
Merlot clutched his head.
“For now, the reason I came here is…… Honestly, this is so—so absurd that I don’t even know what I should say.”
The look in Merlot’s eyes as he swept them over her from head to toe was complicated beyond words.
“In any case, they said red hair and green eyes.”
“…….”
“Is Rose even your real name?”
Rizan remained silent. Merlot, understanding what her lack of response meant, let out a hollow laugh.
“Not a single piece of information was correct.”
She had thoroughly deceived a man of Valdemarea, so she deserved his reproach. Rizan silently waited for the man to bring up his purpose.
After laboriously composing himself, Merlot opened his mouth.
“My head was a mess wondering whether coming here was truly the right thing to do…… but since we know each other, pretending not to know felt far too unpleasant.”
Merlot glanced around, then gestured for her to come closer to the bars. When Rizan sat pressed close to them, an extremely low whisper reached her.
“Miss, do you want to live?”